Season 1

Pilot

Sandy: When did you become so cynical?
Kirsten: When did you become so self-righteous?
Sandy: I’ve always been self-righteous. You used to find it charming.

Kirsten: I want my husband to be right about you.

Kirsten: Seth got into a fight.
Sandy: He did?
Kirsten: This is what happens when you let someone like this into our house. When you let our son hang out with criminals.
Sandy: At least he has someone to hang out with. Don’t salt his game, honey.
Kirsten: What the hell does that mean?
Sandy: It— I don’t know. I just know that I’d rather have Seth hanging out with Ryan than some trust fund kid from around here who only cares about getting a new Beemer every year. There’s a whole world outside this Newport Beach bubble.
Kirsten: You don’t seem to mind living in this bubble.
Sandy: I know there’s something else out there. You remember when we were 22? What’d you say? You said you’d never be like your parents. You’d never have their life.
Kirsten: I was 22. I stank of patchouli and I lived in the back of a mail truck.
Sandy: And you were fun. And rebellious. And… you married me.
Kirsten: I can’t. I’m sorry. I don’t want this kid in my house anymore.
Sandy: Where’s he supposed to go?
Kirsten: He has a family, Sandy. It’s not up to you to decide whether they’re good enough.

Kirsten: I’m sorry. You seem like a nice kid.
Ryan: It’s okay. I get it. You have a really nice family.

The Model Home

Sandy: We’re not saying we want you to cook more.
Seth: Oh hell no. You remember the meatloaf incident of ’98?
Kirsten: That was brisket.
Seth: Yeah, that’s my point exactly.

Kirsten: What is it about this kid?
Sandy: I thought I could help him, make a difference. I was this kid. If someone hadn’t helped me… I wouldn’t be here.

Seth: You forced me to live amongst these pod people and the first cool person I meet, you kick him out of the house.
Kirsten: I did the best I could.
Seth: So did I.

The Gamble

Kirsten: Where do you think you’re going?
Seth: What are you doing out here?
Kirsten: I’m taking a Newpsie break. Where are you going?
Seth: I’m not going anywhere.
Kirsten: Seth.
Seth: I’m going to juvie to visit Ryan.
Kirsten: No. No you’re not. No way.
Seth: Okay. Bye.
Kirsten: Seth. I know that I am not the perfect Carol Brady mom but I love you and I am trying to protect you. I have dropped all the charges against him. I have hired someone to find his mother. What more do you want?
Seth: I would like you to go with me.

Sandy about Kirsten taking Ryan out of Juvie: I never knew you to be an impulse shopper.
Kirsten: I didn’t know what else to do!
Sandy: Did you tell him it was permanent?
Kirsten: No, of course not.
Sandy: Because we can’t keep jerking this kid around, pulling him out of juvie, sending him to foster care, giving him hope and taking it away.

Ryan: I used to want to be an architect.
Kirsten: And what do you want to be now?
Ryan: Seventeen.
Kirsten: Me too.

Dawn: I’m an embarrassment to my son.
Kirsten: Welcome to my world.

Sandy: It’s not the money. It’s that you never told me.
Kirsten: I know. I don’t know why.
Sandy: I got a couple of ideas. Let me take you on a little journey through my neuroses for the past hour or so.

Kirsten: You can’t walk away.
Dawn: Why? This’ll be the first good thing I ever did for him. This way, he ends up with a real mom. Take care of him, okay? He deserves it.

Kirsten: Ryan’s gonna stay with us now.

Sandy: Well there’s a no-return policy now, you know that.
Kirsten: I love you. You know that? We okay?
Sandy: Yeah.
Kirsten: Good. Because we just got in way over our heads.

The Debut

Kirsten: Seth, we need to talk to Ryan.
Seth: Okay. If this has to do with the rug, though, I just wanted to tell you that Ryan had nothing to do with it.
Kirsten: What about the rug?
Seth: I’m gonna go now.

Sandy: So Kirsten and I went to Child Services this morning and we told them that we want you to stay with us. But there’s a catch. Because you’re a minor, the only way they’re gonna allow that to happen is if we assume all legal responsibility for you.
Ryan: I can’t ask you guys to do that.
Sandy: You don’t have to. We’re asking you.
Kirsten: We’ve all talked about it. And we want to be your legal guardians. We want you to be part of the family. If you want to be.
Ryan: What if it doesn’t work?
Kirsten: Well how do you mean?
Ryan: Well what if something happens and you guys change your mind?
Sandy: Like what? You steal a car? You burn down a house? You beat up the captain of the water polo team? Those ships have sailed, my friend.

Kirsten: And we should clean all this out so you have room for your…. Right. You don’t have any stuff. Which means we’ve gotta go shopping. For clothes and shoes and underpants.
Seth: Mom. Don’t say “underpants”.

Kirsten: You couldn’t put on a tux?
Sandy: Pick your battles, honey.

The Outsider

Kirsten: I’m sorry if I upset you. It wasn’t my place.
Julie: I remember as a kid if I saw a limousine driving, I’d always try to see through the tinted window, wondering what kind of life the people inside lived. How glamorous and lucky. Who knew, right? You knew. You were probably in there staring back at me. Which means I’ve been jealous of you since I was eight. When I met Jimmy I had nothing. No money. I don’t want to go back to being nothing again.
Kirsten: You won’t. You have a family, you have Jimmy. And he loves you.
Julie: Not as much as he loved you. But I knew that when I married him. I was winning the lottery. Great guy, great life. And he was doing the honorable thing.
Kirsten: It’s your turn, Julie. Don’t abandon him.

The Girlfriend

Sandy: Are we worried your dad won’t love us if we don’t feed him enough?
Kirsten: Alright, starting now, no more digs at my dad.
Sandy: Oh honey, that wasn’t a dig. Seth?
Seth: No. When you called him a heartless bastard, that was a dig.
Sandy: You sold me out.
See they’re like puppets and I’m the puppet master.
Ryan: World domination to follow.

Kirsten: Maybe you guys can make peace this weekend.
Sandy: Okay. Oh no, wait. We can’t. I’m still Jewish. Kirsten gives him a look. Just gettin’ it out of my system, I promise.
Kirsten: I wonder what his new girlfriend’s like.
Sandy: I am sure she is very well paid. Kirsten gives him a look. I am on fire.

Caleb: Honey, you don’t need my approval. After all, you adopted the boy without consulting me.
Kirsten: I would have called you about Ryan, Dad. But there wasn’t enough time.
Caleb: I get it. I’m pushing you too hard. Things are slipping through the cracks. Which is why I’ve decided to scale back your responsibilities.
Kirsten: You’re demoting me?
Caleb: I wanna get a bit more involved. Give you a chance to spend a bit more time with your new family, your new son.

Kirsten: I just don’t understand. I’ve worked so hard for him. I’ve killed myself for him.
Sandy: The man is a bottomless pit of need. You think you can fill it? You can’t. You’re amazing. If he can’t appreciate you, screw him. Quit.

Sandy: We could find out who’s living in our old house in Berkeley. We could buy it back. You loved that house. Seth loved that house.
Kirsten: That house had bad plumbing and termites.
Sandy: It was a fixer-upper that we never got to fix up.

Sandy: I wish I could tell you I’m sorry. But I’m not.
Kirsten: Okay, worst apology ever.

Caleb: You’re all I got, Kiki. And then I’m running you so ragged you haven’t got time to talk to me anymore.
Kirsten: That’s not true and you know it. I love working for you. I just want you to be proud of me.
Caleb: Taking in a stray kid. That’s the sorta thing your mom would’ve done.
Kirsten: Yeah, except she would’ve done it just to piss you off.
Caleb: Don’t be late Monday.

The Escape

Seth: Check you out. Big pimpin’.
Sandy: Well, I’ve got a meeting with a private law firm.
Ryan: What, are you suing one of their clients?
Sandy: It’s a job interview.
Kirsten: Which he’ll never take. They like to flatter him every once in awhile.
Sandy: Yeah, I go for the free meal.
Ryan: But, I mean, you’re still gonna be a public defender, right?
Kirsten: After 15 years? There’s no way he’s selling out.
Sandy: Well, it’d have to be one hell of a free meal.
Seth: And that’s what they call a callback in comedy, Ryan.

Kirsten: Sandy, you’re not seriously thinking about taking this job, are you?
Sandy: The salary they offered me, it’s outrageous.
Kirsten: Since when have you ever been swayed by a paycheck? This family has all the money it needs.
Sandy: Yeah, except of course it’s your money.
Kirsten: It’s our money.
Sandy: No, not really.

The Rescue

Kirsten: I’m sure she’ll apologize.
Ryan: You are?
Sandy: It’s Julie Cooper we’re talking about.

Kirsten: Okay, now let’s talk about that surprise little trip to Tijuana.
Seth: It’s pronounced Tijuana. That’s how— You’re so white, mom.

The Heights

Kirsten: You know, I ask you questions in the hopes of illiciting an actual response.
Seth: I feel I convey more with a look.
Kirsten: You look adorable.
Seth: No.
Kirsten: Cute? Dope? Rad?
Seth: Please! Please! This is so painful.

Kirsten: Doesn’t Seth look rad?
Sandy: Oh, you do look rad. Mad props, son.

The Perfect Couple

Kirsten on walking in on Ryan and Marissa: It’s never happened with Seth.

Sandy: You walked in on them?
Kirsten: Well at least I knocked.
Sandy: I knew it. Ryan and Marissa Cooper. Didn’t I tell you!
Kirsten: No.
Sandy: No.

Sandy: I’m here.
Kirsten: We’re leaving.
Sandy: But I wore a jacket!

The Homecoming

Seth: Mom. Mom, no! No recipes. Put them away.
Kirsten: This is Ryan’s first Thanksgiving in the house and we’re going to make this meal as a family.

Kirsten: Are there pans? Are there any pans anywhere?
Sandy: Not inspiring a lot of confidence, darling.

Kirsten: You think Ryan’s okay?
Sandy: I think he’ll be okay. He needs to do this.
Kirsten: Okay. Let me get in there, do some flipping.
Sandy: No no! Honey, honey! Seth really likes corn.
Kirsten: How do you expect me to get better?
Sandy: I don’t. I’m sorry, but the boys and I made a pact.
Kirsten: A pact?
Sandy: A solemn promise.
Kirsten: When?
Sandy: You were in the bathroom.

Sandy: We suck.
Kirsten: That was not very smooth.
Sandy: I told you this was a bad idea.
Kirsten: No you didn’t.

Kirsten: We’re just working away.
Seth: Okay, if by “we” you’re referring to yourself then somebody violated the pact.
Kirsten: I am merely opening the wine. A skill I feel very confident about.
Seth: No argument here.

Seth trying to be heard over the blender: Hey, so Marissa’s with Ryan.
Kirsten: What?
Seth: I said Marissa’s in Chino.
Kirsten: I can’t hear you!
Seth: I said Marissa is in Chino! Wow. That actually happens in real life.

Caleb: Looks like we’ll be here awhile. to Kirsten You ready to talk?
Kirsten to all: Fresh margs?

The Secret

Seth defiantly: Hey! I’m not afraid of Summer and Anna, alright? *beat* Well, I’m not afraid of Anna.
Ryan: So you’re going to school.
Sandy: And you’re going to yogalates.
Kirsten: You just like saying that.
Sandy: Yogalates? I kinda do. To Ryan Yogalates?
Ryan: Yogalates.

Kirsten: Julie.
Julie: Kirsten. You showed up. How are you feeling?
Kirsten: So did you tell everyone I was drunk at Thanksgiving?
Julie: Well everyone was wondering where you were, so…
Kirsten: I was at the office. Working.
Julie: Well hey, it’s okay. I mean we’re all friends here.
Kirsten: Well if we’re all friends, why don’t you start acting like one.

Kirsten: Julie, if you and Kaitlin need somewhere to live I can find you a house. My dad can find you a house.
Julie: Not according to him. Not without compromising our relationship.
Kirsten: He said that?
Julie: So I told him if that’s true, we don’t have to have a relationship anymore. So now we don’t.
Kirsten: I had no idea. I’m so sorry.

Kirsten: I can’t be here right now.
Julie: Have you eaten?
Kirsten: What did you have in mind?
Julie: Fried foods and beer.
Kirsten: First round’s on me.

Julie: Can I ask you a question? Do you like that he calls you Kiki?
Kirsten: Hate it.
Julie: ‘Cause he kept calling me Juju. Like that candy that gets stuck in your teeth. I begged him to stop.

Sandy: Hey Seth. Ask your mother who was at the door.
Seth: Mom, who was at the door?
Kirsten: Julie Cooper, bearing gifts.
Seth: Julie Cooper, Dad.

The Best Chrismukkah Ever

Seth: Hey. What are you doing, working from home?
Kirsten: I’m on vacation.
Seth surveying the paperwork: Yes. Clearly.
Kirsten: I find reviewing end-of-the-year accounts to be very relaxing.
Seth: Okay. I hope that’s a recessive gene.

Kirsten: You should be so lucky. Look, I haven’t taken a vacation in a while and I’m easing into it.
Seth: Hey, I don’t judge okay? I only mock.
Kirsten: That you get from your father.
Seth checking his eyebrows: Oh my god, they’re coming in? Oh that’s… I gotcha…

The Countdown

Kirsten: Hailey can we focus for a moment?
Hailey: On the fact that someone’s gotten matronly in the last two years?
Kirsten: Two years is the part that I want to focus on.
Hailey: What am I going to wear tonight? A little Ann Taylor, little Ralph Lauren… Oh my god. Is this from Talbots?
Kirsten: It was a gift. Haven’t you been living in hostels, out of a backpack, wearing clothes made from hemp?
Hailey: That was last year, Kiki.
Kirsten: Don’t call me Kiki! Only Dad calls me Kiki. And only because he won’t… not.

Hailey: So tonight, you guys—
Kirsten: Are going to dinner at The Arches. We do it every year. Home in time to watch Dick Clark and the ball drop. Two images that should not be used in the same sentence.

Sandy: Okay, so we’re gonna go.
Kirsten: Do you guys need anything?
Seth: Yes. Ryan needs a tear in the space time continuum so he can go back and say “I love you” to Marissa.
Kirsten: She said “I love you”?
Sandy: So what’d you say back?
Seth: “Thank you”.
Ryan: Thank you.
Sandy: Well that was polite.

Sandy: Look, I don’t think anybody would think we’re boring.
Kirsten: But do we need to take more chances?
GPS Lady: In 400 feet turn left
Sandy: Yes, we do need to take more chances. GPS Lady says turn left. I’m going right.

Taryn: Oh my god! I can’t believe you’re here. I had no idea you were so much… fun.
Kirsten: Yeah. Hi Taryn. You know my husband Sandy.
Taryn: Well, if I don’t now, I might at midnight.
Sandy: Hello.
Taryn: Go ahead Sandy. Put your watch in the bowl. to Kirsten: Whoever ends up with him is gonna be one lucky lady.
Sandy: Oh my god.
Kirsten: I think we’re at a swingers party.

Sandy: I think we’re in the wrong house.
Kirsten: I don’t.
Sandy: What the hell happened here?
Seth: Okay, I don’t even know enough people to cause this much damage.
Hailey: So, how was the party?
Kirsten: What did you do?
Hailey: Nothing that can’t be undone. A little Palmolive, some elbow grease. Seth and I have it covered.
Seth: Woah. Nobody said anything about elbow grease.
Kirsten: Seth. Garbage. Out. Now.

Kirsten: You don’t walk away from me.
Hailey: You’re not mom. You can’t talk to me that way.
Kirsten: This is my house! My upside-down couch! I will talk to you any way that I want.

Kirsten: You spend so much time having fun. You’re whole life is dedicated to having fun. Are you even having any?

The Third Wheel

Sandy: She’s eating us out of house and home.
Kirsten: Sandy, it’s just a bagel.
Sandy: No no no. It’s never just a bagel.
Seth: Mom, as someone who’s basically been a shut-in for the last 17 years of his life I can pretty much say with the greatest authority, that woman never leaves the house.
Kirsten: She’s got nowhere else to go.
Ryan about Hailey: That’s because all her friends want to kick her ass. pause Sorry about the language.
Sandy: Why? I’d like to kick her ass.

The Links

Kirsten: Do you know who’s coming home today?
Sandy: Oh god, the ugly Americans are coming back. So when’s your father and Julie getting in?
Kirsten: They arrive from Paris this afternoon.
Sandy: After having confirmed all of Europe’s worst suspicions about Americans I’m guessing.

Kirsten offering Hailey a muffin: Pumpkin muffin?
Sandy: Yes darling?

Kirsten: How was France?
Caleb: Aside from the French. Where’s Hailey?
Kirsten: She’s showering, I think. I wasn’t expected you guys so soon.
Julie: Oh, he couldn’t to see his precious Hailey. Couldn’t even let me go home and take a shower.
Caleb: How is she? How’s she looking? Truthfully.
Kirsten: Oh, she looks good. Her spirits are high.
Caleb: She’s high?
Kirsten: No. Her spirits, her mood. She up.
Caleb: So she’s on uppers?
Kirsten: She seems balanced.

Sandy: We’ll have a nice meal, a few drinks, and talk about his next move.
Kirsten: Alcohol. Yes. Inspired.
Sandy: How do you think I got you to marry me?
Caleb walking in: So you were drunk. Explains everything, Kiki.

The Rivals

Kirsten: Julie I really appreciate your desire to be such good friends. But the thing about good friends is that when they want something, they just ask.

Julie: Sorry about your office, Kiki. I needed a home base for Operation Model Home.
Kirsten: Okay, Julie. I think maybe a little bit you’ve lost your mind. This is a disaster.
Julie: Kirsten, if you stopped open heart surgery halfway through it would look like murder.

Julie: Kirsten, the Newport Group should be an aspirational brand.
Kirsten: Aspirational? Is that even a word?

Kirsten: Julie?
Julie: It’s a disaster.
Kirsten: What was all that about open heart surgery?
Julie: I lost the patient.

The Truth

Kirsten: You want me to break up with her?
Caleb: I knew you would understand.

The Heartbreak

Sandy: Valentine’s Day is not a holiday. Rosh Hashanah, that’s a holiday. Memorial Day, yes—a holiday. Do you know who invented Valentine’s Day?
Kirsten: St. Valentine.
Sandy: Hershey’s and Hallmark. If you’re single it’s designed to make you depressed and if you happen to be in love, start shellin’ out. Chocolate, flowers, lingerie—
Kirsten: You’ve never bought me lingerie.
Sandy: And see how upset you are? I hate this holiday!

Sandy: Like golfing. Lots of couples golf together.
Kirsten: Shortly before dying of old age.

Kirsten: You never want to do anything that I like. Everything’s a fight, everything’s an argument. “My life, my job.”
Sandy: Yeah. Yeah yeah, and I’m still here!
Kirsten: Don’t do me any favors!
Sandy: I won’t!
Kirsten: Fine!
Sandy: Perfect! What are we fighting about?
Kirsten: I am not sure, but it’s serious.

Seth: I need to talk to you. Girl stuff.
Sandy: Well. You’ve come to the master. {Kirsten snickers} Hey, I got you.
Kirsten: I was young, impressionable, and drunk.
Seth: Only child, right here.

Kirsten: Sometimes you make it hard to hate you.
Sandy: I know! It’s all, it’s part of my charm.
Kirsten: Sometimes you make it easy.

The Telenovela

Kirsten: He’s a consultant.
Sandy: Could you be please be a little more vague?
Kirsten: He knows people.
Sandy: You did it. That was a little more vague.

Kirsten: I sense sarcasm.
Seth: Well, you’re perceptive, mother.

Sandy: You did musicals? I did a musical myself in college.
Kirsten: Oh, please, someone stop him before he starts singing “Greased Lightning.”
Seth: Do it, Dad! Travolta’s your bitch!

The Goodbye Girl

Kirsten: This is my mistake, not yours. And I will not let you compromise yourself. Not even for me.

Kirsten: I told you that I didn’t want you to get involved.
Sandy: I will always do what’s best for my family.
Kirsten: I would rather go to jail than be responsible for you being mixed up in this— getting into bed with my father.
Sandy: I promise you, I’d rather send you to jail that get in bed with your father.

The L.A.

 

The Nana

Kirsten: What am I supposed to do? Sit back and let your mother take over the entire house?
Sandy: She’s going to do it anyway. At least this way we get a decent meal out of it.

The Nana: You told her, didn’t you.
Kirsten: I would never do that.
The Nana: That what were you talking about?
Kirsten: How scary you are.

The Proposal

Kirsten: My dad is marrying Julie Cooper. Julie Cooper is my step-mother.
Sandy: Maybe we’ll get you another bottle.

Kirsten: This marriage is an asteroid that has hit the earth. Now we just have to wait and see what species survives.

Caleb: I better get back to my bride-to-be.
Kirsten: Oh yeah. Definitely might vomit.

The Shower

Kirsten: I just don’t understand. What is the rush?
Sandy: Honey, it’s the Gruesome Twosome. What do you expect? It’s the shock-and-awe approach to courtship.

Kirsten: So he’s bought your acceptance?
Sandy: But at a really high price.

Seth: I think it might be time to take a step back and untangle this incestuous web that I like to call the Caleb-Julie union. Now let’s think about this. When this bizarro knot gets tied, Julie Cooper’s gonna be your mother-in-law.
Sandy: Woah.
Seth: Yeah. Enjoy. And your step-mom.
Kirsten: Seth, my head is spinning.
Seth: Me and Marissa, we could be related. I don’t know. I can’t even do that math. But the real kicker is: Julie Cooper? My grandma. My grandma wears Uggs. Think about it.

Ryan about Julie: I can’t believe your mom was into heavy metal.
Kirsten: I can’t believe she ever went to Anaheim.

Kirsten about her coffee: It’s so good. It’s only 1500 calories per sip.

Sandy: So, are you ready to face the happy couple?
Kirsten: The gruesome twosome?

Kirsten to Theresa: I have some concealer upstairs. Works like a magic wand.
Sandy: She’s right. You should see her without the stuff on. Terrifying.

Julie: Oh my god. Did she just say “monster truck”?
Kirsten: Julie, you were into monster trucks?
Julie: I better get over there or there might not even be a wedding.

Kirsten: This is what Hailey does. She uses people to get back at me.
Jimmy: Kirsten, this isn’t about you.

Kirsten: I am never throwing another party again.
Sandy: Ah honey, don’t tease.

The Strip

Kirsten: Julie, we are smart, sophisticated women. We don’t need strange naked men dancing in front of us to be entertained.
Julie: I’m not as smart as you. Plus, the boys are getting strippers.
Kirsten: The boys are not getting strippers.
Julie: Kirsten, it’s Las Vegas. You get strippers as a side with your entrée.

Kirsten: No strippers!
Julie: Just one little stripper. Please! Just one little stripper, who never hurt anyone, just trying to make his way in the world… naked.

Hailey: Can I ask you something? How do you get yourself into these things?
Kirsten: I wish I knew.
Hailey: Does she have a picture of you wearing culottes or something?

Kirsten: There are four male strippers, dressed as firemen, dancing in our living room.
Sandy: Theme-stripping. You gotta love that.
Kirsten: Oh, wait, now they’re not dressed as anything at all.
Sandy: Try to keep them off of the furniture.

The Ties The Bind

Kirsten on the phone: My dad hates cilantro. If you put cilantro on anything I may be uninvited to the wedding.
Sandy: Somebody get me some cilantro.
Kirsten: And colored lights no way. White lights only. Because colored lights remind my father of a carnival. And he hates carnies.
Sandy: Note to self: hang with carnies.

Sandy: You’re not in school.
Ryan: Yeah, we were at the doctor’s office.
Kirsten: Is everything okay?
Seth: Yeah, it’s fine.
Theresa: I’m pregnant.
Seth: Well, except for that.

Seth: Hey man. They raised me. Okay. Proof pudding. Speaking of pudding, mother, do we have any tapioca on tap?
Kirsten: You are king of the segues.
Seth: I just love pudding. It’s so fun to say. Pudding. Pudding. Puuudding.
Like the quote? Check out the shirt.

Kirsten: I have my secret recipe. Takeout.

Kirsten to Theresa: You won’t want to drive. I’m an excellent driver and an amazing parker.

Theresa: Not having this baby makes the most sense.
Kirsten: You don’t have to make the decision that makes the most sense.

Sandy: Do you know what Ryan’s going through right now?!
Kirsten: Not as well as I know what she’s going through.

Kirsten: Denial is a very effective coping mechanism.

Kirsten: A little something for the road. Don’t worry, I didn’t make it. But if I did learn to cook, could we convince you to stay?
Sandy: Thank you. For inviting me into your home. You guys. This year was, ah…
Kirsten: For us too. {they hug}
Sandy: And Kirsten’s not even a hugger.
Kirsten: You always know how to ruin a moment.