Season 2

American Duos

Gus: I’m putting up the official Burton Guster spoiler alert. Until I get back and watch the recording, nobody utters a word about American Duos.
Juliet “Jules” O’Hara (Maggie Lawson): That’s going to be difficult.

Juliet: What about Detective Lassiter?
Nigel St. Nigel (Tim Curry): Absolutely not. His hair looks like it’s been poured out of a cake mold.

Juliet: What are you planning on singing for round two?
Shawn: Yankee Rose. David Lee Roth. What? Too obvious? Gus can sing the guitar part.

Juliet: I have to go. I can’t be seen talking to you. And… not just because you’re undercover.

Juliet: Well I did go to cheerleader camp. For two weeks. I got kicked out.
Gus: Kicked out?
Juliet: Yeah. It’s a long story. Suffice it to say I don’t like liars who steal nail polish and then pass out when you slap them a little bit on the back of the head.

Juliet: Shawn, I’m a detective not a svengali.
Shawn: Jules—
Juliet: Shawn, I would know if I’m a svengali!

Juliet: Can I teach you how to crump? Maybe. That’s up to you. But I can’t reach inside of you and make you want this—I mean absolutely need this—the way that both Hall and Oates used to need this. Well Oates was a little more, probably. this has to come from inside here. And deep deep deep inside here.
Shawn: Jules. You do realize that there is a suspect in custody and the case is just about closed.
Juliet: Is that what this laissez-faire, half-baked effort is about, huh? The case? I thought you were in it to win it!
Shawn: Jules, are you feeling okay?
Juliet: Sharp as cheddar.

Shawn: I need to speak with Emilina right away.
Juliet: She’s mostly comatose, Shawn.
Shawn: We probably won’t know the difference.

65 Million Years Off

Shawn: Is there a problem?
Juliet: With what?
Shawn: With you. With me, With the chief. She hasn’t called in a month. Is she still mad about me requisitioning the Segue?
Juliet: You did that?
Shawn: No.

Shawn: What’s the long answer? I mean, through a but in there. And add something about a dream where you and I get thrown out of the mattress showroom.
Juliet: Detective Lassiter is literally on fire. What kind of fire are we talking about? Michael Jackson in the Pepsi commercial fire or misusing the word “literally” fire?

Lassiter: Come on, we’ll show you how real cops do it. {he leaves}
Juliet: No comeback? Shawn. That’s slightly embarrassing.

Juliet: That was amazing.
Lassiter: I’ll give you that one.

Juliet: I’m getting a bad feeling about your streak.
Lassiter: You too, huh?

Juliet: Do you need a hug?
Lassiter: Oh, what do I look like! {he walks off… and back in} Okay, I’ll take the hug.

Psy vs. Psy

Juliet about the washing machine: That’s a really cute front loader.
Agent Ewing: Thank you.

Agent Ewing to Juliet: So, ah, do you have a MySpace page or something?

Zero to Murder in 60 Seconds

Lassiter: You’re right. Helvetica is a much better font.
Juliet: I know! See how the “m” in double-murder suicide just jumps off the page!

And Down the Stretch Comes Murder

Juliet: Little people make me… Well let’s just say I had a bad experience with a Christmas elf.
Gus: What, he didn’t give you the right present?
Juliet: No. We dated. And then he dumped me for a dancer from the Ice Storm on Ice.
Shawn: She is an enigma wrapped in a little blonde ridddle.

Meat Is Murder, But Murder Is Also Murder

Juliet: Who’s this?
Gus: This is my uncle Burton from New Jersey. Shawn invited him.
Juliet: Very nice to meet you, Uncle… Burton?
Uncle Burton: His mom named him after me. It’s not a very common name but some of us still use it proudly.

If You’re So Smart, Then Why Are You Dead?

Juliet: Today is our anniversary.
Lassiter: Come again?
Juliet: It’s been one year to the day that I came to Santa Barbara and we got partnered up.
Lassiter: Hm. I didn’t get you a present.

Juliet: I think I’m entitled to be primary on a case.
Lassiter: How late are the shops open tonight?

Lassiter: What do you say?
Juliet: Hm? Oh. Right. Stay out of our way and don’t get involved, Spencer!

Juliet: You delegate this background stuff all the time. To me, usually. Almost always when I have dinner plans.

Lassiter: O’Hara, you are drunk with power.
Juliet: I know! Isn’t it great?

Goddard: You two aren’t really acquainted with game theory or prisoner’s dilemma, are you?
Juliet: Hm?
Shockley: He means you two don’t really get the good cop-bad cop diad.

Juliet: I’ve got it. Kirk Gödel.
Shawn: Gödel. It’s almost pronounced like “girdle” because of the omelette on the o.
Juliet: I’m pretty sure that’s an umlaut.
Shawn: I’ve heard it both ways.

Juliet: Anything else I need to learn?
Lassiter: There’s one last lesson. Forget all the other lessons and know that you’re a good cop.

Rob-a-Bye Baby

Juliet: Fine I’ll do it. But only for the detective work. I don’t buy into this whole husband and kids thing. Marriage is just a contractual obligation that the state mandated centuries ago when wives were property. But if we are going to pretend, this is how our wedding would be.

Lassiter: Happy baby gift! {he hands her a Club}
Chief Vick: Ah. Thank you?
Juliet about her gift: It’s a mini-rattle. And also a low-calorie breath freshener.

Bounty Hunters!

Shawn: Is he diabetic or does he have a heart condition?
Juliet: Yeah. He has a heart condition. How did you know that?
Shawn: Oh, it came to me psychically. I just, you know, didn’t have the energy to do the whole “hand to the head” thing. I was leaning in quite nicely here and… {he trails off}

Juliet: Shawn, where are you guys? Let us send some black and whites.
Shawn: Gus, you want a black and white cookie? Catana, you want a cookie?
Tancana: Can’t eat wheat. Or yeast.

Juliet: Shawn, what are you doing?
Shawn: Nothing.
Juliet: Really? Because if you’re doing what it looks like you’re doing then it’s going to be one of those things we were just talking about.
Shawn: What’s that?
Juliet: A mistake.
Shawn: I agree, but that’s clearly not what we’re doing.
Juliet: Okay. Really? Then what do you say that we’re doing.
Shawn: I call it really close talking.

Gus’s Dad May Have Killed an Old Guy

 

 

There’s Something About Mira

Shawn: The wedding was merely a cover. So that Mira’s father would shut down the winery for a day. Jan intended to leave Mira at the altar while Mace broke into Gaffney’s cellar to steal his priceless wine collection and skip.
Juliet: But there was no robbery at the winery and Jan didn’t skip town, he came back.
Shawn: He had a change of heart.
Juliet: Oh, don’t tell me.
Shawn: There’s something about Mira. Jan was telling the truth and lying at the same time.

The Old and the Restless

 

Lights, Camera… Homicidio

Shawn: Ah, Jules. If you want to spend time with me you don’t have to trump up some case. You just pick up the phone, give me a call, say, “Shawn, I’m here. I’ve got pudding pops.”
Juliet: I’ll keep that in mind.

Juliet: It’s about time. We could use some new blood.
Lassiter: I hate new blood.

Chief Vick: I don’t know a delicate way to put this. Miss Pascaretti has filed an interdepartmental harassment charge against you.
Juliet: What?! That’s outrageous!

Dis-Lodged

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Black and Tan: A Crime of Fashion

Juliet: I am a woman, Chief, and I am choosing to dress like one.
Lassiter: You can’t do that.

Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead

Sophie: The mummy disappeared in fifteen seconds or less and our main feed picked up none of it. This all cracks of something larger than petty crime. And not to sound too Shirley Maclaine, scream of something potentially… supernatural. This requires someone with skills beyond the normal person. I want him. {she points to a photo of Shawn}.
Lassiter: No you don’t.
Sophie: Yes I do.
Juliet: Do you think he’s up?

Shawn: Uh oh.
Juliet: What’s wrong?
Shawn: They only put one name on the plaque.
Juliet: So?
Shawn: So
Gus is going to have an aneurysm. And not the good kind.

Shawn: Queen Nerfer-titty?
Juliet: Nefertiti.
Shawn: I’ve heard it both ways.

Chief Vick: Effective Friday I am stepping down as chief.
Juliet: What?
Chief Vick: I’m leaving.
Juliet: You can’t do that! Do they know?
Chief Vick: Oh, they know.
Juliet: I will write a letter. I will start a petition. I will leak it to the reporter at the Mirror.
Chief Vick: O’Hara, please. Thank you. I appreciate the sentiment, but the die is cast.
Shawn: Chief, are you sure you don’t want to wait it out just a bit—
Chief Vick: No. Mr. Spencer.
Lassiter: So you’re saying the job is open? {Juliet smacks him}