Season 3

Ghosts

Juliet “Jules” O’Hara (Maggie Lawson): So. How did it go?
Lassiter: I’m winning.
Juliet: How are you winning?
Lassiter: I answered every question in character as Tom “Gunney” Highway.
Juliet: Who is Tom “Gunny” Highway?
Lassiter: Clint Eastwood’s character? In Heartbreak Ridge?
Juliet: It’s not a contest, Carlton.
Lassiter: Don’t kid yourself O’Hara.

Murder?… Anyone?… Anyone?… Bueller?

Shawn: Okay, what are you wearing?
Juliet: What? You said you were on a case and there were possible criminal suspects down here that might get spooked by cops snooping around.
Shawn: Yeah, but what are you wearing? This is a reunion, not a prom. I need you to fit in.
Juliet: What, this? This isn’t a prom dress.
Shawn: It looks like a prom dress. It’s a little poofy.
Juliet: It doesn’t poof! There’s no poof.
Shawn: There’s slight poof.

Shawn: Who hasn’t seen The Breakfast Club?
Juliet: Mm.

Chief Vick: Where were you at, the prom?
Juliet: Why would you say that?
Chief Vick: Because you’re wearing a prom dress.

Daredevils!

Juliet: So?
Lassiter: So what?
Juliet: Your date Friday night. Details. What happened?
Lassiter: Well we ordered the crab cakes and she went to the bathroom and didn’t come back. So either it went badly or she’s still in the bathroom.

Juliet: You told the dead clown story, didn’t you?
Lassiter: What? That was a funny story.
Juliet: Clowns are funny. Stories about them being shot to death, not so much.

The Greatest Adventure in the History of Basic Cable

Juliet: I cant believe your uncle Jack actually had a treasure map.
Lassiter: I can’t believe you actually pretended your uncle was your dad.
Shawn: I wanted Gus’ dad to do it, but there was a geneaology issue I just couldn’t sort out.

Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, let me be frank.
Shawn: As long as I can be Dean and Gus can be Sammy.
Gus: Why do I have to be Sammy?
Shawn: Fine. He’s Sammy. That makes you Joey Bishop. Is that what you really want? Do you want to be Joey Bishop?
Juliet: Shawn—
Shawn: I’m sorry, Jules. How often does someone set you up with “Let me be Frank”.

Talk Derby to Me

Chief Vick: Did you break somebody’s nose?
Juliet: Yes, I did. Thank you.

Gus Walks Into a Bank

Shawn: Lassie, Jules. What are you doing here?
Lassiter: What are you doing here?
Juliet: Shawn, we have a situation. Somebody held up the bank and we think he’s taken hostages. {Shawn makes a break for the door but Lassiter stops him}
Lassiter: Woah. Take it easy.
Shawn: Gus is in there.

Commander Cameron Lutz (Gary Cole): Heads up, we’re on the clock.
Shawn: And cut. Great. Dripping with swagger. Let’s go again though and maybe ease up on the cocksure smile, just a bit. I liked it, I’m just not sure it’s going to play in the Midwest.
Lutz: Who the hell are you?
Shawn: Oh, my apologies. I’m Shawn Spencer. Lead psychic of the SBPD. And dilettante of shadow puppetry.

Shawn: Don’t worry. It’s fine, Jules. Dare I say dandy. Isn’t that a word from his generation?
Juliet: Shawn!

Shawn: Chief. Elder Commanding Officer Lutz. You need to let me get involved here. You need to let me scope things out.
Chief Vick: Absolutely not. You’re not a trained tactical officer, Spencer.
Lutz: Are we positive he’s even house trained?

Shawn: Alright, Phil. I am just as mad about this as you are. Why don’t you let me go out there and make it right. On the way back in I’ll have them throw in a couple liters of Old Fashioned Root Beet and some Cinna Stars. They look like Cinna Dots, just, they’re pointy. They’re good. They’re not great, but I can get them free of charge. I’ll be right back. {he goes to leave}
Phil Stubbins (Alan Ruck): You’re not going anywhere. You’ve just become my next hostage.

Gus: I’ve had a lot of time to think in here, Shawn. And I’ve realized some things about life.
Shawn: It’s been two hours.
Gus: Yes. But two hours hostage time. Things happen fast in here, Shawn.

Shawn: I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a list of demands that you can give to Lutz.
Phil: Demands?
Shawn: Yeah, we’re gonna call out there and you’re just going to read these off to him.
Phil: “My Demands. By Phil. An airplane to take me wherever I want. Tour bus, blue, with a full tank of gas. And groupies.”
Shawn: That’s non-negotiable.
Phil: Five thousand dollars in unmarked bills. This is a huge list. what if they won’t give me any of this stuff?
Shawn: I don’t expect them to, Phil. It’s just to buy us time until we can figure out who in here has put you up to this.
Phil: “A zipline pulley system used to transport deliciously flavored snacks and such from one location to another.” What is this?

Lassiter: Look, I am breaking about fifty codes of police procedure just by talking to you about this.
Shawn: Code! That is your biggest problem!
Lassiter: Oh it’s my problem?
Shawn: Just once, can you grab life by the little Lassiters and follow your instincts? I know you don’t like my methods. I know you don’t like me. But we are pressed for time. And I’m telling you, I am vibing like crazy! Can we screw protocol and get the hell out of here?
Lassiter: You take shutgun.
Shawn: You’re so sexy right now!

Shawn: Look at you, man. Surviving a bank hostage crisis and still looking all Poitier on a hot day.
Gus: What.
Shawn: Go ahead. Slap me in the face, tell me to call you Mr. Tibbs.
Gus: I’m not doing that!

Christmas Joy

1988

 

Present Day

 

Six Feet Under the Sea

April: Listen, I don’t know if this is the right time to ask, but what about Shawn?
Juliet: What about him?
April: I don’t know. Something intriguing—odd. It’s refreshing. I was thinking of letting him know that I’m available. And all that. What do you think?
Juliet: I… don’t know.
April: Is there a problem?
Juliet: No! There’s no problem.

 

Lassie Did a Bad, Bad Thing

Shawn: The weather has dampened my psychic powers, but I am sensing something big is about to come through that door.
Juliet: Huge! We just got a call from lassiter. He arrested Ernesto Ramon Chavez twenty minutes ago. He is the second-in-command of the Cinco Reyes.
Shawn: So he plays the big guitar in the Mariachi band.

 

Any Given Friday Night at 10pm, 9pm Central

Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, we need you to psychically tell us who belonged to this foot. {Gus ducks into another room, clearly freaked out}
Juliet: Does he know that’s where they keep the bodies for identification?
Shawn: I think he’s figuring that out right now.

 

Tuesday the 17th

Juliet: Hello? Shawn?
Shawn: Jules. Wow. You made really good time.
Juliet: Shawn, are you hiding in that closet?
Shawn: No. No, I’m not. That’s a negative.

Juliet: I don’t like this Shawn.
Shawn: Well, your hands are a little bit tied, aren’t they? Plus when you showed up I was hiding in a closet so I figure I’m due to man up. If I’m not back in exactly four minutes please go looking for me. But really start giving it some serious thought after two. And if you think that there’s anything even slightly amiss after forty-five seconds, you’re the leader here.

Juliet: Can’t you do better than vibes?
Shawn: Jeff Goldblum and Cyndi Lauper couldn’t.

Juliet about the body: No touching, Shawn.
Shawn: Didn’t need to be said.

Juliet: Shawn, what’s going on?
Shawn: I think we have a very serious problem.

Shawn: I just wanted to say thank you for shooting that wack job psycho killer in the hand.
Juliet: My pleasure.

An Evening with Mr. Yang

1988

 

Present Day