Gossip Girl: On the Upper East Side all the world’s a stage, and the men and women merely players. But once a year, Constance/St. Jude students shed their usual roles and take on new ones for the senior class play. This year’s pick? The Age of Innocence.
Gossip Girl: Before Gossip Girl there was Edith Wharton. And how little has changed. The same society snobs still reigned. Only in corsets and horse-drawn carriages.
Blair: When I saw The Age of Innocence with Daddy I always saw myself as Winona. But playing a stronger, more emotionally complex female lead just feels so right. Dorota! Hair pin. Besides, you’re so much more suited to play May, who is so… pretty.
Serena: Uh. Thanks.
Blair: Alas, my life is perfect. My only problem: how to relate to my character. Countess Olenska is a ruined woman with no prospects. And let’s face it, I have the world on a string. Of course there is the odious task of playing opposite Dan Humphrey. Dorota! Enough. How are you two doing, BTW?
Serena: I’m just trying to think about it. Distracting myself with other… distractions.
Blair: You mean your crush on our director?
Serena: Julian is kind of amazing. Isn’t he? Did you know that he directed—
Blair: Bogosian off-Broadway in his last year at Julliard. Blah blah blah. You can always depend on Constance to snare some wunderkind. But S, aren’t you sick of brooding artists?
Serena: Well he broods in the sexiest way. That is when he’s not looking right through me.
Blair: Well my life is so bountiful I don’t need a boyfriend to feel fulfilled.
Nelly screams off-camera: Oh my god! Come look at this!
Blair: But I do need silence to emotionally prepare for the stage! What are you two clucking about?
Iz (Nicole Fiscella): Nelly just got in early to Yale.
Blair: Uh, that’s impossible. Yale only accepts one Constance student early a year and that’s me.
Penelope (Amanda Setton): She just got an email directly from Dean Berube.
Blair: I have to find Headmistress Queller.
Mr. Campbell (Beau Gravitte): Chuck Bass. It’s good to see you, son.
Chuck: Mr. Campbell. Hello.
Mr. Campbell: I, uh, I’m sorry for your loss. I was in Prague for the funeral or I would have paid my respects in person.
Chuck: Thank you.
Mr. Campbell: I’ll come by the office. I hear you’re learning the ropes.
Chuck: I’m trying to. Enjoy.
Chuck: Oh lucky day. Carter Baizen, back in town.
Carter (Sebastian Stan): Always a delight to see you, Bass.
Chuck: Hm. Elle? You’re all right.
Elle (Kate French): You have the wrong person. My name is Haley.
Chuck: What are you doing with this loser?
Carter: Back off, Bass. The lady says she doesn’t know you.
Chuck: She knows me. to Elle: I know you’re in some kind of trouble. Whatever help you need you’re not going to find it with him.
Elle: Carter, I have to use the ladies room. Get me a drink?
Chuck: Just wait a sec—
Carter: C’mon, Bass. Don’t cause a scene. Heard you were in Thailand recently. You should have come to see me in Singapore. Of course I had to leave in a hurry.
Chuck: Oh Singapore. I’m surprised you made it out in one piece.
Carter: I’m hooked up on every continent. I landed last night. Rolled into Apothéke and met— well, who really cares what her name is, right? God bless America.
Maitre D: Mr. Baizen. Your date just exited through the kitchen.
Chuck: Welcome home.
Jenny: What’s wrong with you?
Dan: Nothing. Did you see how those teachers treated Rachel?
Jenny: Yeah. They were like grown-up Mean Girls.
Dan: If I wrote a note could you deliver it?
Jenny: Dan, Headmistress Queller told her to stay away from you.
Dan: I saw how they were treating her. It’s my fault. I just want to know that she’s okay.
Blair: Nelly Yuki claims she got into Yale early. There must be some mistake.
Queller (Jan Maxwell): I’m sorry Blair. There was no mistake. I was on my way to tell you that I received a call from Dean Berube. They’ve rescinded your acceptance and given the spot to Nelly.
Blair: Is today April Fool’s?
Queller: I had previously informed Yale of your detention, I did not tell them what the punishment was for. But apparently an anonymous caller did. The Dean called for me to confirm the story. I had no choice.
Blair: But I did penance for that.
Queller: I explained that you made amends. But Yale considers hazing a faculty member a very serious offense. I’m sorry.
Blair: But there must be something we can do.
Queller: Blair. It’s over. You will not be attending Yale.
Gossip Girl: Every actress eventually finds the hook into her character. Even if sometimes life has to give her a little push. But don’t worry, B. When God closes a door he opens a play.
Blair: Get out of my way! I need to make a fat lady sing.
Nelly (Yin Chang): Pull!
Iz: It’s stuck.
Blair: No, leave it. She’ll need as much padding as possible.
Nelly: What is your problem?
Blair: My problem is a two-faced four-eyed devious little snipe in a fat suit. Did you really think you could rat me out to Yale and get away with it?
Nelly: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Blair: Everyone’s jealous of me because my life is perfect. And you’ve always been the most jealous of all.
Nelly: People aren’t jealous of you, Blair. They hate you! I didn’t call Yale but good luck figuring out who did. There are about a thousand people who would relish taking you down.
Gossip Girl: Wanna hear the sickest scandal ever? Remember B’s Lord? Turns out he was giving the royal treatment to his own Queen Mother. And the worst part? B knew and ignored it. How desperate can you be, B?
Penelope: No wonder Yale dumped you. Who wants inbred legacies.
Nelly: Someone’s out to get you, Blair. It’s just not me.
Blair: Airing my dirty laundry to Yale and sending the Lord Marcus Gossip Girl blast makes you officially my enemy number one.
Vanessa: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Blair. Honestly.
Blair: And what are you doing with her? We hate her.
Serena: I don’t hate her. She’s my friend. And you just need to calm down.
Blair: Calm down? Serena. She got me axed from Yale. You’re seriously taking her side. Fine. But a word of advice: she will be destroyed and you don’t want to become collateral damage.
Julian (Harmon Walsh): Have you ever seen Little Foxes?
Vanessa: Are you kidding? Serena made me see it like, what, three times? She’s obsessed with Bette Davis.
Serena: Bette Davis. Um, yeah…. I love her eyes. Her hair is Harlow gold.
Vanessa: Thank god. Serena. I know you like him but as your friend, Julian is the most self-absorbed, pompous person I’ve ever met. All he does is go on and on about classic movies and it’s totally annoying.
Serena: You were keeping up with him pretty good there.
Vanessa: Yeah. And I am totally annoying.
Vanessa: So what are you up to?
Serena: You mean “what are we up to.” I may not be a huge classic film buff but I have read Cyrano.
Gossip Girl: Poor Miss Iowa. Caught playing Mrs. Robinson. Looks like the teacher just got schooled.
Gossip Girl: Yale’s hallowed halls have gone to hell. S got accepted. But not for her SAT scores. Allowing a press release was her only prerequisite. [Turns out the Dean cares more about Q scores than quality.]
Blair: I’ve lost everything. I’m humiliated. And shunned. They’ve made me flesh-and-blood Countess Olenska.
Dorota: You are an actress. Pour it into the role. Use pain on stage.
Blair: You’re right. I’m an actress. No, I’m a seagull.
Serena: No. You’re a shameless bitch.
Blair: Now what?
Serena: Everything you’ve done—spreading rumors about who I’ve had sex with, what alley I puked in, or telling Dean Berube that I killed Pete Fairman—I forgave everything, all because one day I thought one day you’d grow up. But putting out a Gossip Girl blast about Yale and the press release.
Blair: Serena, I didn’t put out the blast.
Serena: At least have the dignity not to lie to my face.
Blair: But I’m not lying.
Serena: Only two people knew about it. You and Dan. And Dan would never do something like that. I always want to believe the best in you, Blair. The bottom line is, betrayal’s in your nature. She storms out.
Blair: I didn’t do it, Dorota.
Dorota: I believe you, Miss Blair.
Blair: And if I didn’t, that means Dan Humphrey did. Vanessa told him about Marcus and he could have put that out too. All to get revenge for Teachergate. Do you know how hard it is when your enemy is changing every five minutes?
Dorota: You need to calm nerves and warm vocal cord. You want tea?
Blair: No. I want Dan Humphrey’s head on a platter.
Julian: The great Ute Hagen used to tell actors “Give birth to the new person you are about to become”. Well. With Act One behind you and Act Two looming, my friends, you are still in labor.
Nelly: I feel like I’m in labor.
Julian: Remember, being on stage is like standing on the edge of a cliff. What saves you is the love and trust you have in each other. Also my friend, the renowned New York Times theatre critic Charles Isherwood is in the audience. And if you embarrass me I will kill you.
Julian: Nate, I told you. Your character went bankrupt. Suffered total public humiliation. Not that you would understand that. The characters in this play are smoldering tempests of emotion. You’re as empty as the Federal Reserve.
Nate: You want feelings? Well I- , I hate these clothes. I hate this play. And I hate pretentious ass hats who try and steal other people’s girlfriends. In fact I might just spontaneously punch one the next time you get in my face.
Blair: I know just how Mr. Beaufort feels. Working so hard for something and losing it. Because people are out to destroy you.
Serena: Well Countess, at least you don’t have to go through your whole life worried your best friend will humiliate and betray you.
Nelly: I hate this fat suit!
Nate: Oh and there’s one other thing. My whole family lost all of our money before my father went to jail for embezzlement. So I think I know more about humiliation and bankruptcy—
Nate: —than some lame dilettante director. Okay?
Stage Director: Oh. My. God.
Dan: Why don’t we retire to the parlor for some port? With Mr. and Mrs. van der Luydens.
Nate: I don’t give a damn about the van der Luydens, Humphrey.
Gossip Girl: Shakespeare says, “All’s well that ends well.” And sometimes it just ends.
Vanessa: Wow. That was a whole new level of fake.
Nate: I like ESPN. Okay? And you like books and movies.
Vanessa: The way you say that— You didn’t even bother to read Age of Innocence. You didn’t watch the DVD I gave you. You’re like a kid who swears he hates tomatoes and has never even tried one.
Nate: Well maybe you should be with a guy like Julian who already likes tomatoes.
Vanessa: Maybe if you’d put in… some effort you wouldn’t be so insecure.
Elle/Hayley: Chuck, I’m really grateful that you’re willing to help me. But all I needed was someone to give me money.
Rachel: That was some performance.
Dan: It’s nothing compared to yours.
Rachel: What do you mean?
Dan: You called Yale, sent the blast into Gossip Girl to get revenge on Blair? I believed in you. All your talk about integrity and ideals.
Rachel: My ideals? Blair spread false rumors, blackmailed the school, turned my job into a sham with no repercussions.
Dan: You’re just as bad as she is. No, you’re worse. Blair’s a high schooler. You’re an adult. You need to fix things with Blair.
Rachel: Absolutely not.
Dan: You know how you felt when your ideals were crushed? Well congratulations, you’ve crushed mine.
Dan: Hey Blair, it’s Rachel who’s been messing with you. And… we had sex in the costume closet. So you can do whatever you want with that.
Blair: Student sex in the costume closet. Is that what they mean by Heartland values? I at least expect a denial.
Rachel: No. I don’t deny it.
Blair: Well the Headmistress told me that my fate at Yale was sealed. So the question is, how do I make your fate as bleak as mine.
Rachel: I don’t know what’s happened to me. I don’t know what I’ve become. I’m… so sorry.
Blair: Well your punishment is… just… live with it. I should know. It’s not easy.
Dan: I’m sorry. I know you were just looking out for me. And Rachel, she turned out to be not who I thought she was. Or at least not anymore.
Rufus: I’m sorry too, son.
Dan: Dad. You’re right about this. But I think you need to give me space to make my own mistakes.
Rufus: Well lucky for you, you’ll be at Yale soon. You can make all the mistakes you want. With girls your own age.
Serena: I know it was Rachel that sent the Gossip Girl blast. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.
Blair: Why would you.
Serena: What do you mean?
Blair: Believe me. Nine times out of ten I would have sent the blast. Like you said, betrayal’s in my nature.
Serena: I didn’t mean—
Blair: Spare me, Serena. I don’t need a stirring speech telling me what I could person I am. I know I’m not. Yale kicking me out is the karma I’ve earned.
Blair: Could you please leave? I want to be alone.
Serena: You’re still my best friend.
Gossip Girl: In life as in art, some endings are bittersweet. Especially when it comes to love. Sometimes fate throws two lovers together, only to rip them apart.
Dorota: Miss Blair is out, Mr. Chuck.
Chuck: I’ll wait.
Gossip Girl: Sometimes the hero finally makes the right choice. But the timing is all wrong. And, as they say, timing is everything.
Carter: Hello Beautiful.
Blair: Carter. What are you doing here?
Carter: Buying you a drink.
Gossip Girl: Looks like this story might just have a second act. Let’s hope it’s not a tragedy. XOXO —Gossip Girl