Blair: After being broken up with my boyfriend for exactly 20 minutes, I succumbed to inebriation, performed at a speakeasy, and surrendered my virtue to a self-absorbed ass. The only good news is that he’s a total pig who’ll act it never happened. Thank god. Sorry. Truthfully I’m not even Catholic.
Priest: You don’t say.
Blair: You don’t grant birthday wishes, do you?
Priest: I’m a priest, not a genie.
Gossip Girl: Speak of the Devil and he doth appear. Wearing his trademark scarf.
Nate: Mom, that’s a family heirloom. I’m not giving it to Blair. It’s an engagement ring.
Mrs. Archibald (Francie Swift): I’m not asking you to propose. But it’s important that Blair knows how much you value her loyalty.
Nate: Her loyalty or her mother’s?
Gossip Girl: Whoever thought monarchy was dead didn’t realize it just changed ZIP codes.
Dan: You don’t get it, do you? You think I’m only mad about the cheating?
Alison Humphrey (Susan Misner): Okay, what else?
Dan: Maybe that you promised you’d be home by the end of summer and then weren’t. Maybe that you left at all.
Alison Humphrey: I asked if you were okay with me going away and I’d hoped that if there was a problem you would say something.
Dan: Like what? Your daughter’s a freshman at a school populated by mean girls and date rapists, I think she needs her mom? Or maybe, my father is madly in love with you and will probably never get over this. Why should I have to tell you this?
Nate: C’mon man, I can hear you breathing on the other side of the door. Is she anybody you can get rid of? I really need to talk to you, man. Please.
Chuck: Look, if you’re done with Blair, be done. Don’t cave to your parents’ wishes if they’re not your desires.
Nate: Excuse me? Where’s my boy? “Seal the deal.” “Tap that ass.” “Money marries bigger money.”
Blair: You sound like a jealous boyfriend.
Chuck: Yeah right. You wish.
Blair: No. You wish.
Chuck: Please. You forget who you’re talking to.
Blair: So do you? Do you… like me?
Chuck: Define “like.”
Blair: You have got to be kidding. I do not believe this.
Chuck: How do you think I feel? I haven’t slept. I feel sick, like there’s something in my stomach. Fluttering.
Blair: Butterflies? Oh no no no. This is not happening.
Chuck: No one is more surprised or ashamed than I am.
Blair: Chuck. You know that I adore all of God’s creatures and the metaphors that they inspire. But those butterflies? Have got to be murdered.
Serena: Blair this is Dan’s friend, Vanessa.
Vanessa (Jessica Szohr): Wow, you didn’t mention they were so nice. Now I get it.
Blair: Oh sweetie, you did not tell me she looked like that. This is such a problem.
Serena: Blair says in a relationship the best friend is—
Dan: Serena. Are you really taking relationship advice from Blair?
Serena: Good point. Look, I just don’t wanna have to compete with Vanessa. You know with Guitar Hero, okay. I’m way more awesome if you didn’t happen to notice. But not with you.
Dan: That’s fair.
Dan: Well listen, if you want to get out of here, Vanessa can only fit two on her Vespa but I can walk.
Serena: Well, you know I love me a Vespa but, um, I think I gotta be here, stay with Blair. You’re not the only one with a best friend.
Chuck: I really am sorry.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: B turning a year older but not necessarily wiser.