Gossip Girl Lily van der Woodsen

Season 1


Kelly Rutherford

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Serena van der Woodsen (Blake Lively): So where is he? What, they haven’t let him out yet?
Lily van der Woodsen (Kelly Rutherford): Let’s not discuss that right now, okay?

Serena: Let me guess, you told everyone Eric’s just visiting Grandpa in Rhode Island.
Lily: Your aunt Carol in Miami.
Serena: So you’re actually hiding him? He tries to take his own life and you’re worried it’s going to cost you Mom of the Year?
Lily: Serena, you’ve been gone. Doing who knows what with god knows who—
Serena: I told you, boarding school was not like that.
Lily: You know, as happy as I am to have you home, you have no idea what it’s been like.

Lily: What are you and Dan Humphrey doing?
Dan: Ah… we’re going to a concert tonight.
Lily: Lincoln Hawk.
Dan: Yeah. Rolling Stone named them on e of the top ten forgotten bands of the 90s.
Serena: Wooo! I’m a huge fan.

Rufus: Lily. Are you shopping for some art to match your furniture?
Lily: Why is my daughter going to one of your concerts?
Rufus: ‘Cause we’re awesome.
Lily: With your son.
Rufus: Dan scored a date with Serena?
Lily: Mm hm.
Rufus: Well our kids were bound to meet. It’s a small island.
Lily: Are you sure it’s not some ploy—you’re using my daughter to get to me now that your wife left you?
Rufus: How do you know about Allison?
Lily: Like you said, small island.
Rufus: Oh, I get it. You hear about Allison, use your daughter as an excuse to start something.
Lily: In your dreams.
Rufus: Well you are in my dreams, Lily. And one in particular recurs. It involves finding you in the back of a Nine Inch Nails bus with your shoes in your earrings and Trent Reznor… Oh, that happened.
Lily: No need to rehash details of decades past. So I moved on.
Rufus: Yeah. From Trent to Layne to Perry. Until you switched up rock stars for billionaires.
Lily: You think you’re so cute. Washed-up band. Crappy so-called art gallery.
Rufus: Well. Not all of us have settlements from multiple divorces to sustain us.
Lily: Just stay out of my life, Rufus.

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The Wild Brunch

Lily: I know how hard it is for you to be back, but the more you hide yourself away the more people are going to think you have something to hide.
Serena: Coming from someone who’s keeping my brother in an institution.

Nate: Is Serena in?
Lily: Oh, you just missed her, but I’ll tell her you came by. I’m sure she’ll be happy to here it.
Nate: I don’t know about that.
Lily: Oh, what? C’mon, Serena loves you. I mean I think she’s always had a little crush on you. Of course you and Blair are the perfect couple.
Nate: Mm. Is Serena going to be long? I could just wait.
Lily: Oh. Well Dexter here can take care of you. I’m just going to step out for awhile and Nate’s going to wait for Serena.
Dexter: Great. He can get in line behind that guy.

Lily: Just coffee, I’m not staying long. I’d like to get out of here before someone throws me down and tattoos me.
Rufus: This is Brooklyn, Lil. Not the Warped Tour.

Rufus: Admit it, you’re falling for me again.
Lily: You’re right. It’s the low income tax bracket, the bad v-neck shirts, the awful jokes. I don’t know why your wife left you.
Rufus: She’s got better taste than you.

Bart: Well it just seems to me that you’re the one who doesn’t want to be seen together in public.
Lily: Well I do want to be seen together, I just don’t want to see you with anyone else. Tell your harem of shop girls and models that you’re seeing someone.
Bart: I am but those conversations take a little time.
Lily: Well they’ve got nothing but time, Bart. They’re 25.

Lily: Look, I really don’t appreciate your lurking in the shadows, eavesdropping on my private conversation.
Dan: What? No no. I wasn’t. I was looking for Serena.
Lily: Well I don’t see her, do you?
Dan: No. Which is why I was looking.

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Poison Ivy

Lily: Why is Blair outing you for a drug problem you don’t have? You don’t, do you?
Serena: Mom.

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Bad News Blair

Rufus about the painting: What are you doing with that?
Lily: The questions is, what are you doing selling it to me?

Lily: Your wife despises me.
Rufus: I wouldn’t say that.
Lily: Well she did. She may have been wearing a slip dress and Doc Martens at the time, but she definitely meant it.

Rufus: So what did you think of it?
Lily: I thought… it was extraordinary.

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Dare Devil

Lily: Home by one o’clock. Bonus points for 12:45.

Rufus answering the phone: This better not be my wife.
Lily: Rufus, do you always answer the phone like that?
Rufus: Lily?
Lily: Listen, I need your son’s cellphone number. It’s an emergency.
Rufus: A real emergency or a Lily emergency?

Lily: I have a situation here.
Rufus: A situation? Your son is with your daughter and my kid. I trust them. Why don’t you?
Lily: Rufus—
Rufus: Goodbye Lily. Always a pleasure.

Lily: So I made some calls but as it turns out, none of my people know your people. Shocking, but true. Either “Dan Humphrey” is an alias or your son is not very popular. Regardless, I need that number.

Lily: I’ll pass on a glass of that non-premium liquor you’re drinking. But I will take something to eat, thank you for offering. What? You still know how to cook, don’t you?

Rufus: You haven’t changed a bit. You always have to be in control.
Lily: Hm. Well. I don’t remember you complaining.
Rufus: Well I wasn’t allowed to. It was one of your rules.

Lily: Are you still the same guy you were when I took this photo?
Rufus: What? You took that photo? You weren’t even at that show.
Lily: Oh, excuse me. If I remember, the first song was about me, the second one was about… your motorcycle. And then there was that one about that surf town. What was it?
Rufus: Saya Lida.
Lily: Saya Lida.
Rufus: Fisherman’s town.
Lily: Is that the one with the villa where we…. She smiles. Yes indeed, it was.

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The Handmaiden’s Tale

Lily: Do you think that Eleanor Waldorf will find this “Night in Tangiers” enough?
Serena: Maybe if you brought a goat.

Rufus: Since when were you the patron saint of former rock stars?
Lily: Since when were you a star?

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Lily: Long night?
Chuck: Alfonso made me an omelette. I may have washed it down with a Bellini or two.

Chuck: He tells me I can’t be committed and he’s the one screwing 25 year olds. When he’s supposedly committed to you.
Lily: We’re… newly committed as recent as last week.
Chuck: I wonder why he was pawing some Asian chick in his limo yesterday.
Lily: How can I be surprised, really.

Lily: Well. This is a new strain of obsessive-compulsive.
Rufus: The art piece projects up to the ceiling.
Lily: Still doing anything to get a girl on her back, huh?
Rufus: What are you doing here, Lil?
Lily: Oh, ah—
Rufus: Let me ask you that question another way: did you break up with Bart again?
Lily: Well. What did I do to deserve such a thorny welcome?
Rufus: I’m sorry, I’m really not in the mood to play games. I don’t know what’s happening with my wife, or my marriage. And you showing up here randomly—and often—doesn’t make figuring that out any easier.
Lily: I’m sorry I bothered you. Really.

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Blair Waldorf Must Pie!

Eric: Even if you did cook, we don’t have an oven.
Lily: Preaching to the converted, Eric.

Lily: There’s nothing wrong with having Chinese food on Thanksgiving. Jews have been doing it on Christmas since forever. Look, a pumpkin. It’s festive, yes?
Eric: We’re going to eat a pumpkin?

Lily: These smell great.
Eric: Yes. So we can starve in a fragant hotel room.

Dan: I’m not taking no for an answer. In fact I’m not even asking. You are coming with us. I’m adult-napping you.
Lily: Fine. Just. Stop talking and I’ll get ready.
Dan: Make it snappy. I’m double-parked. Thanks.

Rufus’ Voicemail: Hey, Rufus Humphrey. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.
Lily: Rufus, it’s Lily. Um, your very-persistent son insisted that I join you for dinner. I want to remind you that my kids do not know that we are friendly and I’d like to keep it that way. That said, I look forward to seeing you.

Lily: I am sorry. I did not know that you were—
Allison: Back? Well I am. And why would you know?
Lily: Well Dan never mentioned it when he invited me. to Rufus I called.
Rufus: I didn’t hear the phone.

Dan: You were talking about your ranch.
Jenny: Did you have any horses?
Lily: Yes, I had a few. Um, I had my own. Rosewood.
Jenny: My dad has a song called Rosewood.
Rufus: Oh, but no, not that Rosewood.
Dan: I completely forgot about that song!
Jenny: Yeah, it’s about my mom, you know. ‘Cause she had this perfume that she always wore. It was rose and —
Dan: Sandalwood.
Jenny: Sandalwood. It was like her own personal scent.
Allison: I’m a fool.
Rufus: You’re not a fool.
Dan: Raise your hand if you’re over 30 and acting really weird right now.

Rufus: Lily, these past few weeks have been…
Lily: Have been what? You can’t even say it, can you?
Rufus: I can. But I shouldn’t.

Allison: I think we’re splitting hairs here, Rufus. An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one.
Lily: Oh please. Nobody’s buying that. Emotional affairs are necessary to keep a marriage alive.
Allison: And how many times have you been divorced?
Rufus: Allison, this is not about Lily. This is about you and me.
Allison: Exactly. And if we’re going to have any chance then she can’t be here.
Lily: What, for Thanksgiving? Or ever? Oh you can’t be serious.
Allison: I am.

Lily: Too much turkey?
Blair: Um. Uh huh.

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Hi, Society

Lily: Well if you don’t listen to me you’re going to hear it from her. And I promise you don’t want that to happen. The brands I listed are the key to her happiness. And that includes Tanqueray.

Lily: Well I know you must not be happy, Mother. I remember how unhappy you were when I didn’t go. And I imagine you came all this way to change Serena’s mind but she is intractable on this.
Celia: That’s not the reason I came.
Lily: Everything okay?
Celia: Lily, my darling, the, uh, doctors think they found something.
Lily: Something? What something?
Celia: Something in my lungs.
Lily: Oh no. Mom—
Celia: Well they’re running tests but they said that it might not be good.

Serena: What’s going on?
Lily: Serena, you’re going to the debutante ball.

Lily: You make a fool of the presenter and then you start a brawl. I mean, what’s next, Serena? Girls Gone Wild?

Lily: Please listen to me and don’t interrupt because what I’m about to say… is hard for me.
Dan: Okay.
Lily: When I was your age I would have been lucky to find a guy like you. And I kind of did. But when it came down to it, I thouht my mother knew who I was much better than I knew myself. I’m not sure exactly who my daughter was, but I know who she’s become since she met you. She returns home every night at a reasonable hour. She doesn’t drink, she doesn’t do drugs. I don’t know if you’re responsible for that, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence. You belong with my daughter and I think everyone should know that. Will you come with me?
Dan: Yes, Mrs. van der Woodsen, I would love to.
Lily: Good. And it’s Lily.

Lily: We’re not supposed to talk, remember?
Rufus: I had to. Your mother came to see me and she mentioned something about why you left me all those years ago.
Lily: Oh. Yes well. She made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. And I wasn’t strong enough then.
Rufus: Why didn’t you tell me?
Lily: Oh come on, you never would have understood.
Rufus: But if I had known you hadn’t actually left me for him, I mean maybe—
Lily: Listen, don’t— Don’t say it. Don’t even think it.
Rufus: I can’t help myself. I never should have let you let me go.

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Roman Holiday

Lily: Well, that was awkward.
Bart: It wouldn’t be if you let people know what we were doing together.
Lily: I’m just learning to trust you again.

Lily: Rufus, why are you calling?
Rufus: I just wanted to say Merry Christmas. Hope you have a good holiday.
Lily: Yes, well. I’m flying to Anguila with Bart tonight so I’m expecting it to be a great holiday. One for the ages, in fact. Goodnight, Rufus. Goodbye hangs up Good luck. What is the matter with me?

Lily: When you two are done hiding up here I’m taking you both out for dessert.
Serena: Can’t Mom. I’m busy.
Lily: But this is important for our family—it’ll just be the three of us.
Serena: Mom, anytime you say it’ll just be the three of us it means you’re dating someone new. Whoever it is, I don’t care. I’ll just meet him at the wedding.
Lily: Fine. Then I will just tell you who it is because you’re going to be seeing him around from now on. It’s Bart Bass.
Serena and Eric: Bart Bass?!?
Serena: Mom. You can not date Bart Bass.
Lily: You just said a moment ago you didn’t care who it was.
Serena: That was before I knew who it was.
Eric: He only has one facial expression. He scares me.
Serena: And he raised Chuck. That scares me.
Lily: Serena, as usual you’re being overly dramatic. I’m not marrying Bart. This is very casual. And regardless, I’m not asking your permission.

Dan: Oh, Mrs. van der Woodsen, er, Lily. Hi!
Lily: Dan. Jenny.
Jenny: Hi.
Lily: Tree.
Dan: Yeah, um, they don’t allow Christmas trees inside. Which is why we’re out here.
Jenny: Which is why Dan’s about to ask you for a favor.
Lily: Ah, does it involve distracting Dexter and sneaking into the elevator?
Dan: Why? Would that work?
Lily: No. Never. He has the eyes of a hawk and he takes his job very seriously.
Dan: So I’ve noticed.
Lily: But Bobby at the service entrance. I think he could be bought. Come.

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School Lies

Lily: I hope I’m not interrupting anything. I just got a message that our kids are in some kind of trouble at school.
Rufus: And you came all the way to Brooklyn to talk about it?
Lily: No no, not about that. Bart and I just landed at the airport back from our trip. And he proposed. And I’m going to say yes. I wanted you to hear it from me first. Not from my daughter or your son.
Rufus: Right. People who actually talk to me.
Lily: Oh, if you’re referring to the message you left me on Christmas Day I didn’t get it ’til we were already on the plane. It was… very endearing though.
Rufus: But not enough to turn a G5 around.
Lily: You miss me. That’s great. I miss you too. What? You kissed me at Eleanor’s party and then you say you can’t see me anymore because your wife came home. And then you call and say you should have never let me go. And then you’re back with Allison again.
Rufus: I didn’t plan any of that.
Lily: That’s just it, Rufus. You don’t plan anything.
Rufus: Well, I’m sure that your current plan will be full of jets and five-star hotels.
Lily: Take care, Rufus.

Rufus: Why did you really come to se me yesterday?
Lily: I told you, out of respect—
Rufus: Respect or regret? You wanted me to give you a reason not to spend the rest of your life with Bart Bass.
Lily: Rufus—
Rufus: I’m still in love with you.

Rufus: You packed light.
Lily: Please try to understand.
Rufus: I think I do. I’m just sorry.
Lily: So am I.

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The Blair Bitch Project

Lily: Oh, don’t put your dirty package on the table.
Chuck: If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard that.
Bart: That’s enough, Chuck.

Decorator: And here’s the second choice for the centerpiece.
Lily: Well we could put this one on a mylar tablecloth and pretend it’s a Bar Mitzvah. Serena walks in Ah, there you are.
Serena: I have a date with Dan.
Lily: Could you excuse us?
Serena: You’re going to say something worse than the Bar Mitzvah remark?

Lily: Chuck may be eccentric but I doubt he’s diabolical.
Bart knows better: What’s he done now?

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All About My Brother

Lily: When you revise the seating chart, don’t forget to place Mr. Spitzer as far away from Serena’s table as possible. Thank you. Ugh, what is not on the schedule today?
Rufus: I don’t think I am. Maybe you can fit me in between Preston Bailey and Sylvia Weinstock.
Lily: Well good luck fitting anything between those two. What are you doing here?
Rufus: Well believe it or not I’m here to see you.
Lily: Well I have a laundry list of things to do today.
Rufus: It’s about Jenny. Alison’s away at an artists’ retreat and I could really use a mother’s advice. I think I’m in over my head.
Lily: I suppose we could talk about it on the way.

Lily: If Serena’s indiscretions were as PG as Jenny’s I wouldn’t have needed the Botox.

Lily: Really Rufus, what were you thinking? You threw her a surprise birthday party and had her face painted on the cake with a tiara?
Rufus: Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Lily: Yeah well so did flannel and acid washed jeans, but they weren’t flattering either.

Lily: We make quite the team.
Rufus: Always did.

Lily: Hey, um. I made some tea. It’s probably iced now, but, um, my reaction earlier—
Eric: It’s okay, mom.
Lily: No, it’s not okay. You just caught me off-guard, I guess I, I just wasn’t ready.
Eric: Well I wasn’t ready either, so… it’s okay if you need time.
Lily: Well, since you’re being so honest I’m going to try as well. I’m scared. Life is tough enough as it is, you know? I want the best for you. And, um, I’m worried for your safety. And your happiness.
Eric: I have a better chance of being happy if I’m honest.
Lily: I know that. And I want you to know that love is whoever you’re with. Because it’s pretty great.

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Woman on the Verge

VH1 Guy: Tell me where you took this photograph. What undoubtedly could be called the band’s most well-known image.
Lily: Oh, well I wouldn’t go that far.
VH1 Guy: Well I would. It’s positively iconic. Were you and Rufus Humphrey already involved when you took it?
Lily: Excuse me?
VH1 Guy: Rufus Humphrey. Lead singer of Lincoln Hawk. Was this before or after?
Lily: Oh, well I simply don’t feel comfortable discussing anything other than my work.
VH1 Guy: I was talking about your work. Why’d you give up photography? Was it too hard to continue shooting after you broke his heart?

Lily: I have to say, I have never been happier to see you, Dan.

VH1 Guy: Do you think you were able to take incredible photos of Rufus Humphrey because you were in love with him?
Lily: Well I wasn’t in love with him… that much.

Dorota: Miss Serena is here.
Lily: So I’ve heard several times today.
Dorota: I know it’s not my place, but Miss Serena is [] old days.
Lily: What are you trying to say?
Dorota: I think you should have worry about your daughter. Worry like before she went away.
Lily: Well, uh. Thank you Dorota. I’ll take care of it.

Lily: I have nothing left but to send you to reformatory school. What do you think about that?

Blair: Don’t send her away.
Lily: Blair it’s not polite to interrupt.
Blair: I don’t care who hears. Just don’t send her away.
Lily: Thank you, Blair. But it’s not exactly your business what I do with my daughter. If anything, you’re one of the reasons I’m having to take such strong action.
Blair: I say this with all due respect, Lily. But you have no idea what your daughter’s been going through. She’s in a lot of pain. And I don’t think the pain’s going to go away if she goes away.
Lily: I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.
Blair: Serena has a secret. And she’s been holding onto it for a long long time.And now it’s finally catching up with her. I’m out of my league here. I can’t do any more than I’ve done. And it’s not enough. She needs you.
Lily: I saw the video. She needs boundaries.
Blair: What you saw isn’t the whole story.

Serena: So where are we?
Lily: It’s the Fairman’s house. This is where the boy who died grew up. And his parents are expecting you.
Serena: Mom, I can’t go in there.
Lily: Sweetie, if I have learned anything in life it is that sometimes things get in your path and you have a choice. You can either smash right into them or you can adjust and move around. But you have to do one or the other in order to move forward.
Serena: How can I do this?
Lily: I’m gonna be right by your side.

Serena: Then why do I still feel like this?
Lily: Because contrary to what I might have said earlier, you are a good person. Who since that night has been living her life with care and compassion, respect—for yourself and for others. I’m sorry I doubted you.

Lily: Get out of my way, Rufus.
Rufus: No.
Lily: Get out of my way.
Rufus: No.

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Much “I Do” About Nothing

Lily: Oh my. god.
Rufus: Oh my god.
Lily: What?
Rufus: I just got the call. Lincoln Hawk is hitting the road. We’re opening for The Breeders. I guess that Luscious Jackson reunion didn’t work out. Wait, what was your “oh my god”?
Lily: Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. It’s day. As in Wedding Day. As in, ah, my wedding day.
Rufus: Right.
Lily: But, congratulations.
Rufus: Thanks.
Lily: No, thank you. For last night. It was—
Rufus: Amazing. Lily’s phone rings. It’s Bart.
Lily: That’s what I was afraid of.
Rufus: You want me to answer it?
Lily: You want me to kill you?

Lily: I don’t know what Bart wants, but I have to go. Talk to him.
Rufus: About any topics in particular?
Lily: Well I’m sure I’ll think of something.

Lily: Well there is a comfort in revisiting the things that we loved when we were young.
Bart: But the truth is I’m not that young man anymore.
I think maybe I’ve outgrown it. And holding onto it is keeping me from moving forward with what’s most important to me now. What do you think I should do?
Lily: I think you should let it go.
Bart: I agree. Now can you do the same for me?

Lily: Rufus, what are you doing here? I thought we had security.
Rufus: You want them to throw me out?
Lily: Well I’d like the option considering how much I’m paying them.
Rufus: So you want me to leave?
Lily: I didn’t say that.
Rufus: Do you want me to call off this wedding? If you so much as nod “yes” I will go out there and I will tell your fiancé and your guests they have to go home.
Lily: I didn’t say that either.
Rufus: We can figure this out.
Lily: How can we? It’s been 20 years. And I don’t think this is the moment to hash out the details. Look we’ve already had the morning after today. What’s going to happen tomorrow morning?
Rufus: Lil, I just got a divorce. I don’t want to get married again. At least not right away.
Lily: But I do. I’ve been alone for quite awhile now and you know what? It’s hard. And I love Bart. Not just because he has money. I have enough money. Not that you can ever have enough money, but… I’m rambling. And I’m nervous. You make me nervous.
Rufus: That’s a good thing, right?
Lily: There are just too many questions. Too many. What about Dan and Serena?
Rufus: Whatever their feelings are for each other, if we’re standing here 20 years in the making…
Lily: Yeah. Those 20 years have to count for something, don’t they?
Rufus: I think they count for everything.

Rufus: And here we go. Are you sure about this?
Lily: Ask me again and I’ll change my mind.
Rufus: I love you, Lily.
Lily: I love you too, Rufus.
Rufus: Then have a great wedding and try not to trip or anything.
Lily: I can’t believe you put that in my mind. Luckily, I have done this before.

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