Gossip Girl Gossip Girl (Narrator)

Season 5

2011.09.26    

Kristen Bell

Yes, Then Zero

Gossip Girl: This just in: due to a dumpster dive outside a well-known Fifth Avenue pre-war, it appears someone we know and love is in a family way. So this is your humble Gossip Girl issuing an APPB. Who could the mother of our next scandal be?

Gossip Girl: At least this secret is bound to show itself soon.

Gossip Girl: Sticks and stones may just break bones, but the wounds from words never heal. Especially when they’re words we hoped we’d never read.

Gossip Girl: Often all it takes to find a new path is to make a sharp turn and see what you find. But beware. Sometimes what you’re faced with is a dead end.

Gossip Girl: Lonely Boy learning three words, eight letters don’t come out right when no one wants to hear them.
Blair: Come on, Louis. Let’s go. I’m done here.

Gossip Girl: Well well well, Upper East Siders, I got my answer after all. And it turns out the only thing expanding at the Waldorf residence is the help. Yet all this talk about expecting has got me thinking about expectations.

Gossip Girl: The thing about expectations is most of the time, someone else sets them for you. Yet you feel like they’ve been there all along. And you can’t wait to live up to them. But just because you know what’s expected of you doesn’t mean you still can’t surprise everyone.

Gossip Girl: Nothing stays hidden for long.

Gossip Girl: And you often find, what you least expect is right in front of you. Waiting to change everything forever. Whether you want to or not. XOXO —Gossip Girl.

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Beauty and the Feast

Gossip Girl: Rise and shine, Upper East Siders. It’s time for your annual checkup. Lucky for you, doctors take their confidentiality seriously around here.

Gossip Girl: They say misery loves company, but sometimes it’s the company that makes you miserable. But nothing’s worse than company that overstays their welcome. Good luck, B. Have fun being the hostess with the mostest.

GG: Let’s hope B’s first Feast of Assumption doesn’t end in damnation.

Gossip Girl: A kiss is just a kiss.
Chuck: That hurt? Wish I could feel it.
Gossip Girl: Poor Lonely Boy. Even on the outer boroughs of love.

Gossip Girl: While one mother’s life leads her to Heaven, another’s is going straight to Hell in a Moses basket.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Chuck on the wrong side of town. Looks like Bassman doesn’t have enough of a dark side. He has to take a walk on one too.

Gossip Girl: Watch out, Nate. Looks like sex play may not be the only game you’re a pawn in.

Gossip Girl: How well do any of us really know each other? Even families have their secrets.

GG: They say blood is thicker than water. But it’s also a lot harder to clean up when it spills.

Gossip Girl: Maybe it’s not blood bonds that make us a family. Perhaps it’s the people that know us and love us anyway. So we can finally be ourselves. XOXO —Gossip Girl.

View all quotes from Beauty and the Feast

The Jewel of Denial

Gossip Girl: They say the only way to conquer your fear is face what you fear the most. You must walk into the belly of the beast. And risk the possibility of failure. But try to hide from your fear, and you risk it swallowing you whole.

Gossip Girl: Turns out that the rumored UES novel is fact, not fiction. And I have the inside scoop on who the author is. Patience, pets. Your answer’s coming.

Gossip Girl: Sorry, Charlie. But it looks like your Upper East Side dream just turned into a nightmare.

Gossip Girl: Poor Lonely Boy. You just learned the true meaning of publish or perish.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Chuck Bass sending this sweet guy off to the pound. We always knew Bass was one sick puppy.

Gossip Girl: How about it, Charlie? One last Cinderella moment before you turn into a bumpkin.

Gossip Girl: They say freedom comes at a price. Better watch out, Charlie. I think you’re going to be the one footing this bill.

Gossip Girl: Careful Dan, he who runs from the fear falls into the pit. Looks like you’re about to take a tumble.

Gossip Girl: Oh B. Your refusal to find out who’s the father has made you cause one mother of a scene.

Gossip Girl: There once was a Princess B, undone by the question: Who’s the daddy? But it’s time to find out. Will it be Chuck or will it be Louis?

Gossip Girl: The true author of the tell-all tome has been revealed. And the author’s name is one everyone will recognize. But the question is, will anyone want to say it again once the book is out?

Gossip Girl: Face your fears and the rewards can be profound. You can discover the true depth of a relationship. Or what you’re capable of withstanding. The problem is, the more you gain, the more you stand to lose.

GG: Get ready to find out what you’re made of. Because to survive on the Upper East Side, you better be fearless. XOXO —Gossip Girl.

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Memoirs of an Invisible Dan

Gossip Girl: Looks like it’s going to be a hot time in this old town tonight. Let’s just hope Lonely Boy and his book don’t go up in flames.

Gossip Girl: Seems like things are looking up for Lonely Boy. Let’s hope they’ve actually read the book and not judged it by its cover.

Gossip Girl: Can we dare believe? Queen B and Lonely Boy doing the deed? Even I have to admit, it’s a novel idea.

Gossip Girl: Looks like the best piece of fiction is that people are actually happy for Dan Humphrey.

Gossip Girl: Seems Dan Humphrey is on the fast track from Lonely Boy to Only Boy.

Gossip Girl: In literature, there are thousands of endings. Some happy, some sad. Some end with a twist.

Gossip Girl: Some stories open the door for something more. And then there are fairytale endings where the girl gets her prince. And endings that turn you introspective about your own life and your place in the world. And then there’s the ending that you saw coming a mile away, and yet somehow still takes you by surprise. But don’t worry, my Upper East Side friends. This story isn’t ening. We’re just at the start of a brand new chapter. XOXO —Gossip Girl.

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The Fasting and the Furious

Gossip Girl: On the Upper East Side, it’s not what you say that determines who you are. It’s what you do.
Blair: I hope they take it well. Nothing matters more than our child being born into a big happy family.
Louis: Are you ready?
Gossip Girl: Whether you’re making a big announcement… or trying to close a deal.
Serena: Hey. Jane.
Jane: Did you lock up the film option for Dan’s book yet.
Serena: No, I just finished reading it unfortunately.
Jane: Need I remind you this is your chance to make up for blowing the Daniel Day Lewis deal.
Serena: No reminder necessary. I’m on it.
Gossip Girl: Or firing the first shot.
Diana: The site goes live in twenty!

Gossip Girl: Imitation might be the sincerest form of flattery, but stealing is an outright crime. And that’s what a new rival has committed when cell phones disappeared and reappeared at the Jenny Packham show.

Gossip Girl: Yom Kippur at the Waldorfs will truly be a high holy day, now that Her Royal Highness Princess Sophie has jetted in from Monaco for a bagel and a schmear.

Gossip Girl: Sometimes all it takes to cross a line is a little push.

Gossip Girl: That’s the thing about writing what you know. Soon everybody else knows it too.

Gossip Girl: As challenging as atoning can be, the rewards make it worth the sacrifice.

Gossip Girl: But the most difficult part can be admitting there was a sin to begin with. Most people find it too hard to face their crimes and find it easier to pretend nothing ever happened.

Gossip Girl: The problem with hiding your sins is they always come back. On the day when some have atoned for past transgressions, a once-pure Prince can’t help but commit a new one. XOXO —Gossip Girl

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I Am Number Nine

Gossip Girl: They say the road of life is long and winding. So it’s important to mark the milestones along the way. from picking your bridesmaids—.
Dorota: So many minions. How are you ever going to decide?
Blair: Tryouts begin after breakfast.

Diana: Nate. Can I add one more thing to your to do list?
Nate: Definitely.
Gossip Girl: To christening your boss’ new desk. Landing on your first bestseller list—
Dan: Number nine. Inside by Daniel Humphrey. What did Lincoln Hawk’s first single debut at?
Rufus: Eight. Ah, but don’t pay too much attention to that stuff that was the 90s.
Gossip Girl: —To finally asking for help.
Dr. Eliza Barnes: So how are you feeling today?
Chuck: Fit as a fiddle.
Gossip Girl: But keep your eyes on the road, Upper East Siders, or you could get lost along the way.

Gossip Girl: Looks like Louis is about to make Young Bass’ road to recovery a very bumpy ride. Better buckle up, Chuck.

Dan: But how can I guarantee that she’s not just going to screw it up?
Serena: Because I won’t let her. She may not know this world, but I do. And I will protect your story and you.
Gossip Girl: Careful, S.
Dan: I have your word?
Serena: You have my word.
Gossip Girl: Everybody knows the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And shady bosses.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: S trying to navigate a slippery slope. But she’s not the only accident waiting to happen.

Gossip Girl: When you drive Chuck over the edge, it’s you who will wind up road kill.

Gossip Girl: Don’t worry, B. You’re still marrying a Prince. Of Fools.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Chuck Bass, standing at the crossroads. Looks like we’re going to have to watch his every step.

Gossip Girl: They say every road comes to an end, but sometimes the end feels just like the beginning. Even when you think you’ve come a long way—

Gossip Girl: —you can suddenly find yourself right back where you started. Because every journey is fraught with twists and turns.

Gossip Girl: And one false step could spell disaster. But no matter what, you still have to stay the course and forge your own path. Because there’s no going back now. And it looks like this one’s going to be the ride of our lives. XOXO —Gossip Girl.

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The Big Sleep No More

Gossip Girl: Good morning, Upper East Siders. Or is it? We hear a certain future royal has had more than one rude awakening this week.

Gossip Girl: In drama there are many ways to unmask a villain.

Gossip Girl: Sometimes you know who the bad guy is from the start…. but most times you find out they’ve been in front of you all along.

Gossip Girl: Uh oh, Charlie. Looks like you’ve stayed in character all too well. Too bad there’s always an understudy waiting in the wings for you to slip and fall.

Gossip Girl: Seems the play’s the thing tonight. But watch out, players. You might be the ones getting played.

Gossip Girl: It’s been the performance of a lifetime for Cousin Charlie. But tonight it looks like it might just be the final curtain.

Gossip Girl: All masks eventually have to come off, and with them so do the gloves.

Gossip Girl: Lock your windows, Upper East Siders. Looks like Serena’s cuckoo cousin Charlie is off her meds again. And about to jump to her own conclusion.

Gossip Girl: We all wear different masks for different reasons.
Diana: Nate, you matter to me. A lot. I was just trying to be cool. You know that’s my thing. Although I’m beginning to see I may need a new thing. From now on, equals.
Nate: Just us. Together. Seeing what happens.

Gossip Girl: Some masks we put on because it’s truly who we want to be. Some we wear because we can’t bear to face what’s really underneath. Or because it’s what someone else needs us to be.

Gossip Girl: And some masks we wear because we hope to stay hidden. But that’s the problem with wearing masks. They can be ripped off at any moment. XOXO —Gossip Girl

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All the Pretty Sources

Gossip Girl: A shower is supposed to make you feel fresh and clean, but on the Upper East Side, they’re where I get the most dirt. And B’s bridal shower tonight promises to be an absolutely filthy affair. The only two people left off the list? Number one?

Gossip Girl: This just in: we hear Blair took a paternity test to find out which daddy makes three.

Gossip Girl: Seems Charlie’s in hot water. And she’s about to get burned.

Gossip Girl: Uh oh, Charlie. Your mother of a lie is about to get you stuck in one big parent trap.

Gossip Girl: It’s important to be careful about what you tell others. Because sometimes your words can come back to haunt you. It can happen to anybody. Even me.

Gossip Girl: Sorry, B. Must be hard to keep your head above water. When your prince is causing everyone around you to drown.

Gossip Girl: Guess this shower’s officially over. And it looks like B’s the one throwing in the towel.

Gossip Girl: Loyal readers, I’d like to apologize to all of you for the awful and embarrassing breach of security tonight. In bad times like this you have many options.

Gossip Girl: You can choose to go on the offensive and come out swinging. Or you can pack your bags and admit defeat. Or you can drink yourself into oblivion and hope it’ll all just go away. Whatever I choose to do to win back your trust, one thing is certain. This is not the end between us.

Gossip Girl: Because try as you might to fight it, you know you love me. XOXO —Gossip Girl

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Rhodes to Perdition

Gossip Girl: On the Upper East Side, staying alive isn’t as easy as it appears. And after last week’s security breach leading to no new tips, it looks like I might be dancing by myself.

Gossip Girl: Looks like I’m not the only one everyone despises. Lonely Boy’s fans are slowing dwindling. But his haters are going forth and multiplying.

Gossip Girl: Looks like I’m not the only one doing the hustle.

Gossip Girl: If you ever find yourself sick with Saturday Night Fever, the last thing you want is someone to turn up the heat.

Gossip Girl: Chaka Khan might have been every woman, but it looks like Charlie Rhodes is about to have trouble being two.

Gossip Girl: Just when things are about to hit the fan, they hit the ground instead. With a thud.

Gossip Girl: Sister Sledge sang “We are family” but she had nothing on the Rhodes girls.

Gossip Girl: Long after the clubs have closed, disco inferno rages on. For some, it’s burning desire that keeps them awake at night.

Dorota
: Miss Blair, if you finally find key to bring Mr. Louis back to the castle why you not look like perky self?
For others it’s the flame of uncertainty that plague them.

Gossip Girl: If you’re going to play with matches make sure you don’t leave them around to spark the flame anew. Disco isn’t actually dead. And neither am I. XOXO —Gossip Girl

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Riding in Town Cars with Boys

Gossip Girl: Apologies have been made and the security breach fixed. But two weeks later, still not one tip. Apparently no on can hold a grudge like an Upper East Sider. And no one can lie like one either.

Gossip Girl: I guess it’s time for me to accept that if you want something badly enough you have to go out and get it yourself.
Dan: Hey, I was wondering what you were doing today.
Blair: Coming to stay with you, actually.
Dan: Uh… okay.
Gossip Girl: Watch out, kids. The end of me just might turn out to be the end of one of you.

Gossip Girl: They say love is blind. But jealousy it seems provides a clear view all the way to Monaco.

Gossip Girl: Sorry, boys. But didn’t you know that if you wait to long to seize the day—
Chuck: Gone.
Louis: Where would she go?
Gossip Girl: The one you want could get away.

Gossip Girl: Camus said that life is the sum of our choices. Choose wisely and fortune smiles upon you. But choose poorly? You never know what price you’ll have to pay.

Gossip Girl: We all like to think that we’re in the driver’s seat of our own lives. But the truth is, the idea that we can control our fate is an illusion. You can choose the most loyal friends, the dream job, the truest love.

Gossip Girl: But at the end of the day, our fate is decided for us. All we can do is hope we have the strength to cope with the hand she deals us.

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The End of the Affair?

Gossip Girl: How about we help each other. xo xo Gossip Girl.

View all quotes from The End of the Affair?

Father and the Bride

Gossip Girl: Hey, Upper East Sider. It’s me, Gossip Girl. I’m hoping you’re interested in some quid pro quo, because we both have something to prove.

Gossip Girl: Miss me, Upper East Siders? Have you been asking yourselves if you’re better off now than you were two months ago?

Gossip Girl: Trapped under the weight of a false accusation, I’ve done a lot of thinking about the kind of girl I want to be from now on. I’d like to be the kind that does what she says she’s going to do.

You know what they say. “Talk is cheap.” So if you don’t have anything nice to say, maybe you should just shut your mouth. XOXO —Gossip Girl

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G.G.

Gossip Girl: Wakey wakey, Upper East Siders. Gossip Girl here, your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s elite. It seems like today is a big day for everyone. But none so much as me.

Gossip Girl: Once upon a time Princess B was a virgin Queen, and her King was named Archibald. Who would have thought that in just five short years she could turn that headband into a tiara for real. I myself have come a long way too. But if you think I have spent all my recent down time reflecting on who I am and what I’ve done in those same five years, let me assure you, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I was just planning my comeback. So if I were you, I’d watch this space. Because the new Gossip Girl is coming. And what will my first post be?
All I can is you should probably pray I won’t be writing about you.

Gossip Girl: If no one else is willing to say it, I guess I have to. The person who should be objecting isn’t Chuck Bass, but the bride herself. Don’t believe me? Watch this. Told you my first post was worth waiting for. Now what will my next one be?

Serena: You expect us to believe you were just an innocent bystander?
Georgina: I never said I was innocent. I just like to watch. And while I love our annual showdowns as much as anybody, if you’re looking for someone to blame for what just happened you’ve got the wrong girl.
Serena: Come on, Georgina.
Georgina: Sure I made the video Gossip Girl played, but I didn’t send it in. I left my camera with Chuck thinking he’d show the Prince and they’d have a duel at dawn for what’s left of Blair’s virtue. Or maybe some royal fisticuffs. Whatever those are.

Gossip Girl: Weddings mark one of the largest transitions you can make in your life. They are a new beginning. The next step in a person’s evolution. But evolving is a tricky thing. You can’t change without changing the world around you.

Gossip Girl: And not everyone might see your transformation the same way you do. But if you can make it through and truly be reborn then maybe so can I. So beginning today the past is just a prologue. It all starts from here.

Gossip Girl: Oh, and if you’re wondering who caught the bouquet, I’ll never tell. XOXO —Gossip Girl.

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The Backup Dan

Gossip Girl: Everyone wants their wedding to be perfect. But on the Upper East Side, perfect isn’t good enough. Although some disasters can’t be avoided.

Gossip Girl: But no matter how you might plan for perfection there’s always a hitch.

Gossip Girl: Prince Louis may not have been left at the altar, but the honeymoon appears to be over before it begins.

Gossip Girl: Looks like everyone wants to know where the royal bride ran to, but will they find her in time?

Gossip Girl: You can run and you can hide, but Princess B, beware. Gossip Girl has eyes everywhere.

Gossip Girl: Careful B, loyalty’s only worth so much until there’s a bigger price on your head.

Gossip Girl: Sometimes when you want things done right you have to rely on others to do them for you.

Gossip Girl: Uh oh, B. Looks like you were right about their royal reach. Hope your plane ticket’s refundable.

Gossip Girl: Don’t look so sad, B. At least your prison is a palace.

Georgina: Since Gossip Girl abandoned her post after Blair’s accident, it’s been my civic duty to step in and continue her work. It’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it. The world needs Gossip Girl.

Gossip Girl: Some secrets I’ll never tell. But most secrets make for excellent blackmail material. That’s how it goes on the Upper East Side. XOXO —Gossip Girl.

View all quotes from The Backup Dan

Crazy, Cupid, Love

Gossip Girl: Another picture perfect Valentine’s Day on the Upper East Side. And how am I going to celebrate? By exposing a giant secret today that’s sure to break more than a few hearts.

Gossip Girl: Guess what, boys and girls. Looks like school’s back in session. The question is, have you learned your lessons? I hope not. ‘Cause I’m in the mood to see someone fail.

Gossip Girl: Looks like Gossip Girl just got her first Valentine’s Day gift.

Gossip Girl: Look out, B. You may be trying to play Cupid, but all the arrows are pointed right at you.

Gossip Girl: Sorry, S. Looks like your seven minutes in Heaven just turned into seven seconds from Hell.

Gossip Girl: I know I promised you all I’d expose a giant secret today and I didn’t deliver. But isn’t that what Valentine’s Day is all about? Hopes dashed, feelings hurt, relationships severed? It’s a day filled with crushing disappointments. Where it’s easy to take advantage of the vulnerable and lonely. While some continue to pine over those great unrequited loves, others can’t help but feel like they somehow got totally screwed.

Gossip Girl: And while it’d be nice to believe that most Valentine’s Days end well, we all know they are far more likely to end in heartbreak. XOXO —Gossip Girl.

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Despicable B

Gossip Girl: In our modern age there are so many ways for information to travel. And yet with all our tablets and smart phones, there are still some people who like to get their morning dish the old-fashioned way. Even without the Information Highway, good news always seems to travel fast. But bad news? Well, you know what they say…

Gossip Girl: I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. But sometimes, the problem with fathers?
William: Sorry about that. Now, where were we?
Lola: I think you were about to tell me how you found out that you were my dad.
Gossip Girl: Is that they can be real sons of bitches.

Gossip Girl: Lily may have wanted the perfect nuclear family, but this bomb is going to start a war.

Gossip Girl: Uh oh, Carol. Dinner’s over and it looks like Ivy just served you your last supper.

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Raiders of the Lost Art

Gossip Girl: They say in life there are two sides to every story. But on the Upper East, we always have three. There’s his, hers—but the most important is always mine.

Gossip Girl: Be careful, Lola. When you cross a double agent there’s always double trouble.

Gossip Girl: Who doesn’t love a road trip. Just watch your blind side, kiddies. Or you’ll wind up blindsided.

Gossip Girl: Gossip Girl here. Your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s elite. Spotted: Blair Waldorf, headed back to Brooklyn. Haven’t we paid the toll enough for that relationship?

Gossip Girl: Of course, everybody knows that on the Upper East Side nothing lasts forever. And when one door closes, another one always opens. The only question is: Who’s waiting behind it?

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The Fugitives

Gossip Girl: Sometimes looking for answers only leads to more questions. And sometimes you’re better off not knowing.

Gossip Girl: But the best way to avoid giving an answer is to avoid the question all together.

Gossip Girl: They say the truth will set you free. But some truth comes at a price.

Gossip Girl: Looks like S is BSing as B. Let’s hope this works. There’s no place like Rome.

Gossip Girl: Uh oh, Chuck. You might need to have your private investigator investigated.

Gossip Girl: When you care about someone, you want them to stay. But sometimes showing you care means letting them go.

Gossip Girl: Evening Upper East Siders. Many of you have complained I’ve been too kind to S and B these last few months. But all of that’s about to change. Because I’ve got a page from Blair Waldorf’s diary, where she tells all about who’s really in her heart. And there’s lots more where that came from courtesy of her bff SVDW. XOXO —Gossip Girl

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The Return of the Ring

Gossip Girl: Good morning, Upper East Siders. How do you look today? You know image is everything. But under those perfect clothes and perfect smiles, everyone has their not-so-perfect secrets.

Gossip Girl: Lucky for me, nothing can stay hidden forever.

Gossip Girl: Whether the truth’s in the diary or the Daily News, once it’s out it will change everything. Let the chips fall where they may. Along with the husbands and boyfriends.

Gossip Girl: “This new romance with Dan is fun. But is cultural stimulation enough? What if I never love anyone more than I love Chuck?” Looks like someone forgot a “D” at the end of that word. Guess we just answered who’s in Blair’s heart. Question is, is there room for two?

Serena: Alright, well there’s been a change of plans. You’re not going to that. And neither is Blair. And you and your friends are going to see to it.
Gossip Girl
: That’s the problem with hired help. They’ll work for anyone.

Gossip Girl: Some secrets even I couldn’t see coming. Bye bye, Baby Bass.

Gossip Girl: Poor B. Now that she’s revealed what’s in her heart guess these diaries days are dead. Along with her happily ever after.

Gossip Girl: The French say, “plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.” Sounds romantic. But all it means is the more things change the more they stay the same.

Gossip Girl: Outsiders remain on the outside. At least for now.

Gossip Girl: And the wild cards just keep getting wilder.

Gossip Girl: But even the same characters can start to play new power games. And old stars can cease to shine. S always said she wanted to be left alone. Now she’ll get her wish.

Gossip Girl: As far as I’m concerned, Serena van der Woodsen doesn’t exist.

Gossip Girl: What did I say about letting the chips fall where they may? See you next fall. XOXO —Gossip Girl

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