Serena: Blair what are you doing? We said we wouldn’t check Gossip Girl all summer.
Blair: Summer’s almost over.
Serena: So what does it say about Chuck?
Blair: I couldn’t be less interested. Serena gives her a look. No new posts. He’s been MIA since he left town this spring.
Serena: And what does it say about us?
Blair: “Oo la la! Paris is burning and Serena and Blair lit the match.” Of course your flame is hotter than mine. Everyone knows that the only guy who’s been in my pants all summer is the tailor at Pierre Balmain.
Serena: And whose fault is that? B, just as many guys have flirted with you. I just happen to have a thing for French waiters.
Blair: And bartenders. And museum docents. Anyone on a Vespa or a bicycle. Or wearing Zadig & Voltaire.
Serena: B, what’s wrong? I thought you were having fun.
Blair: I am. The best. But all summer I’ve been sitting in front of my favorite Manet and reading Colette in the park. Hoping that I’ll lock eyes with somebody who’s doing the same thing as me. And feeling the same things I am.
Serena: That’s really romantic.
Blair: But alas, not effective. For all my efforts I’m heading back home with a Chuck-sized cloud over my head.
Blair: You know, as much as I’m going to miss you and your provenance, having separate lives ensures no competition. Which means no high school pettiness. Promise we won’t go back to our old ways.
Serena: Like you said, that was high school.
Blair to Serena: Stop whatever you’re doing. We need to shop.
Blair: Hey, maybe you could ask Loudoyant to be your new best friend because I’m done. Have fun on my date.
Blair: You can have the Left Bank, okay? But I want the Right. Every cleavage-bearing garçon and cute bartender is yours. But I want a dress from Dior and I want a date with a royal. And I want to go to school and take classes and have friends without living in your shadow for the next three years.
Serena: You heard about Columbia.
Blair: I love how it never has occurred to you that someone might not want to see you every single day.
Serena: Someone, sure. Probably lots of people. But not my best friend.
Blair: I need a chance to succeed on my own. I wanna be myself, where I belong. Last year, first with NYU and then Chuck, it was the worst year of my life.
Serena: Yeah, well my last year was pretty awful too. I fell for a married man, got in a major car accident. I fought with my mother so much I was basically homeless. And then there was my dad.
Blair: Fine. Stay in the city. Just go to a different school, okay?
Louis: He told me that I was being over-cautious. But I see that I was not.
Blair: About what?
Louis: I am the royal. Jean-Michel is my driver. When you asked me so many questions about my name, my car, the Embassy…. I was concerned that you may not like me for me.
Blair: What? No? Who would ever—
Louis: It happens sometimes. But when I found you gazing at my favorite painting I thought that someone who loved what I love could one day love me too.
Gossip Girl: We hear Baccarat just updated its menu.
Louis: I thought it was fate. But I guess not.
Blair: No no no! It is fate. It’s just…
Louis: Good evening, Blair.
Gossip Girl: The gâteau du jour? Is now humble pie. Bon appetit, Blair.
Blair: I really need my friend right now. I’ve been acting like I’m okay, but I’m not. They say it’s a broken heart but… I hurt in my whole body. What if I stay like this forever? What if I never get over Chuck?
Serena: You will. You’ll see.
Blair: I just don’t know what I’d do without you. I’m scared that if you come to Columbia I’ll do something to destroy us.
Serena: Well you pushed me in a fountain tonight and here we are talking about it like mature young women. So I’d say that’s a good sign.
Serena: I can’t believe it’s almost time to go back to New York already.
Blair: I know. And you still haven’t made your Sophie’s Choice between Brooklyn and the Upper East Side. Serena rolls her eyes. What? If you go back with an uncertain heart there will be drama and disaster for all.
Serena: It’s like choosing between eclairs and Napoleons. They’re both delicious.
Blair: Except Humphrey’s a doughnut.
Blair: Well. I would love to stay and talk patisserie, but I have to get ready for my perfect Parisian date.
Serena: Wait, what? You got Louis to give you a second chance? B, that’s great!
Blair: And to prove I care about more than his title I’ve planned a day of polite interaction with the proletariat. Think Diana, Princess of the People. Obviously I’ll wear gloves.
Gossip Girl: They say it’s easy to forget your troubles when the weather’s warm. But all it takes is one fall breeze to blow reality right back in your face.
Blair: What are you doing? Suddenly we’re stopping for pedestrians? Vite!
Serena: B, I went to the morgue today.
Blair: What is that, a sex club?
Serena: A place where they keep dead bodies. I had to identify one because he had Chuck’s I.D.. Don’t worry, it wasn’t him.
Blair: I’m not worried.
Serena: But Blair I just hung up with my mom and Chuck is missing.
Blair: Well consider him found. He was in the Rue de Charenton an hour ago.
Blair: He’s stalking me.
Serena: Well what did he say when you saw him?
Blair: Nothing. He looked away and I kept driving.
Serena: That doesn’t sound very stalkerish.
Blair: It’s Chuck. It’s probably part of some elaborate scheme.
Blair: Trust me, the only thing wrong with Chuck is that I’m going to be happy without him.
Louis: I had no idea you had such deep appreciation for street food. I’m quite surprised that your favorite restaurant is on Rue de la Huchette.
Blair: Yes well, the masterpieces of the Louvre don’t compare to the simple pleasures of a kebab.
Blair: The fairy tale is back on as long as the evil Queen doesn’t ruin it.
Serena: Well if you’re talking about Chuck, don’t worry. The only person he wants to poison is himself.
Blair: You talked to Chuck? No! I don’t care. I don’t even want to know what he said. I’ve been waiting all summer to feel sparkly again and I won’t be pulled back into the darkness.
Blair: No. I can’t do anymore of these prince and pauper games.
Driver: I’m sorry Madame. Monsieur simply asked me to escort you for one final touch before the gala. would you like to come with me to Harry Winston?
Blair: Would I?
Blair: Shouldn’t you be out dealing with your own issues instead of hunting me down?
Serena: I didn’t even know you were here. Why are you here?
Blair: Why are you?
Insp. Chevalier: I see that you have found Monsieur Bass’ stolen property.
Blair: Mr. Bass’ property. The ring is his?
Serena: That’s why I’m here. Inspector Chevalier asked me to claim it.
Insp. Chevalier: The thieves couldn’t pawn such a valuable piece in their usual haunts in Prague. So they came to Paris to try to return it for the cash. Harry Winston knew Msr. Bass was the original purchaser. That’s when they called us. And the body you saw was one of the thieves.
Serena: So why was Chuck’s blood on the wallet?
Insp. Chevalier: Msr. Bass would not let go of the ring. He fought them hard, so they shot him.
Blair: Chuck was shot?
Serena: You know that ring was meant for you. He was gonna propose to you on top of the Empire State Building.
Blair: I can’t care about that. It doesn’t change what he did instead. Jenny Humphrey.
Serena: B, I know how much he hurt you. He knows how much he hurt you. That’s why he signed over the Empire and everything he owns to my mom.
Blair: Well, hopefully she can run it without entering the human flesh trade.
Serena: Blair, he almost died holding on to that ring and to the hope of you.
Blair: I forgave him. For something no one else in the world would ever get over. Then he turned around and did the one thing he knew I could never let go.
Serena: But you don’t need to forgive him. You don’t even need to talk to him again after today. But I know you, and you’ll always regret it if you do nothing and just let him disappear.
Blair: Just because you’re dressed poorly doesn’t mean you’re not Chuck Bass.
Chuck: Why would I want to be him?
Blair: You should have told me you got shot.
Chuck: I’m surprised you didn’t shoot me yourself.
Blair: I have. Many times. In my dreams. The good ones. But if you were really hurt I’d want to know.
Chuck: When I woke up my ID was gone. Nobody knew who I was, nobody was coming to look for me. I realized I might be alive but Chuck Bass doesn’t have to be.
Blair: Changing your name doesn’t change who you are.
Chuck: It’s a good start. A chance to live simply, earn people’s respect. Maybe become a person someone could love.
Blair: Someone did love you. And… you owe it to her and everyone else you’re leaving behind not to run away. Which is what you’re doing. And I don’t think that great man you’re talking about wanting to be is a coward. I think he would face up to what he did.
Chuck: I destroyed the only thing I ever loved.
Blair: I don’t love you anymore. But it takes more than even you to destroy Blair Waldorf.
Chuck: Your world would be easier if I didn’t come back.
Blair: That’s true. But it wouldn’t be my world without you in it.
Serena: It doesn’t feel right to be in New York without you.
Blair: Did the plane ride back to reality land you on either Nate or Dan?
Serena: Not exactly.
Blair: How could you spend seven hours on a plane with a library of romantic comedies and not find clarity?
Serena: Trust me, I tried. I even made a list of pros and cons. “Dan: good shoulder to cry on. Nate: good shoulders.”
Louis: I hope your calling me means your business is complete.
Blair: It is. I’m sorry it distracted me from your parents’ ball.
Louis: In Paris there is always another ball.
The Sarkozys are saluting Jerry Lewis tomorrow night. If you’re not otherwise engaged.
Blair: There’s nothing I’d rather do than salute Jerry Lewis. But I can’t live in this fairy tale.
Louis: I promise this is not a story for little girls.
Blair: But I’ve been using it to run away from my real life on the Upper East Side. Someone there did something for me that I have to honor.
Louis: Will I ever see you again?
Blair: You can always come find me. hands him her shoe. It’s Vivier. It’s worth a hell of a lot more than a glass slipper.
Blair: I don’t understand. How can Gossip Girl be down my first day at Columbia?
Dorota: Maybe Gossip Girl get kidnapped. Unstable ex-boyfriend lock internet—
Blair: Dorota! What did I tell you? No more watching Law and Order: SVU while you’re breastfeeding. No, unlike those plebeians at NYU, the students at Columbia actually respect and understand the power of Gossip Girl. But how is my first day supposed to matter if Gossip Girl isn’t around to tell people it does?
Blair: The good thing about no Gossip Girl: no Chuck. What about you? You’re the one who has to start college with an ex-boyfriend loose on campus.
Serena: Oh there won’t be any issues. Nate and I are still friends even if he is dating some gorgeous blonde named Juliet.
Blair: Oh, please. You are Serena van der Woodsen. We’ve been on campus what, five minutes? I bet there’s already a frat house filled with guys fighting over you. And don’t worry, my jealousy issues are as over as… surf fabrics for evening wear. And besides, we’re carrying on our divide and conquer strategy from Paris.
Serena: But where will our neutral meeting ground be? Hot & Crusty will not possibly do after Café Louie Phillippe.
Blair: But Hamilton House will.
Serena: So they do have a Columbia chapter. You know I always suspected that Nate was a member but he would never fess up.
Blair: He was right not to. Their membership is so restrictive it makes SoHo House look like a halfway house.
Serena: So then how do we apply?
Blair: We don’t. Incoming students are selected by an anonymous board of alumni. If you dare to think you were chosen you have to find the keymaster on the first day of class. Either a key or white hot shame awaits you.
Penelope: Sorry, but this is a private club. No has-beens allowed.
Serena: Penelope. Good to see you too. Long time.
Blair: Clearly standards have slipped if you’re a member here. To whom should I speak to have you removed once we get our keys?
Penelope pointing to a painting: The wall. My great aunt. She was a founding member.
Blair: Ah. Nepotism. That explains it. Now if you don’t mind, could you direct me to the keymaster. Then get me some cashews. I’m famished.
Eva: Blair, I don’t want to hurt you in any way.
Blair: Oh, you’re the one that’s going to end up getting hurt, ma pêche, and not by me. Chuck will soon realize that it doesn’t matter if the dress is couture, if the girl is off the rack. And then as with all things that don’t fit, you’ll be sent back to where you came from.
Blair: Were we supposed to meet up?
Serena: Last night we were, but according to Gossip Girl you had a better offer.
Blair: I’m sorry.
Serena: B, it’s okay. I know you’re going to have house events. You just don’t need to cover it up.
Blair: I know. I was just drunk on gin and attention.
Blair: This isn’t a conspiracy, Serena. Face it. Hamilton House just didn’t want you.
Serena: I learned a lot about the issues.
Blair: Oh you mean the Daddy issues.
Serena: Oh, like you’re so healthy. “I love Chuck, I hate Chuck, I love Chuck, I hate—”
Blair: Oh, and who do you love? Nate then Dan then Dan again. Aaron, Gabriel, Carter, Trip. Then Dan again. Then Nate again. Did your father finally fix that because he seemed pretty good at giving your mom fake cancer.
Blair: Admittedly your ploy to blame me for Serena not getting into Hamilton House would have worked in high school, but not now.
Serena: Did you really think I would believe you over Blair?
Juliet: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Or what just happened here.
Blair: We had Dorota film us earlier. Gossip Girl played it as a favor. She prefers to be the only one screwing with us.
Serena: So how was it seeing Chuck with Eva?
Blair: Harder than I expected. But at least he’s not going to Columbia. No offense.
Serena: Yeah, I guess I just didn’t expect Nate to be so mad at me.
Blair: I thought the only thing he got upset about was a badly rolled joint.
Dorota: Sorry, Miss Blair. No papers today. I think maybe 8H steal them again.
Blair: Dorota. We both know it was you, not Susan Lucci, who took my papers. But there’s no point. It’s all over the internet.
Serena (from the adjoining room): What is?
Blair: What are you reading? Chuck gave Eva a limited edition Baignoire Cartier watch. Gossip Girl even has a whole thread where people can guess how much it costs.
Dorota: How can she even see time through all that sparkly? … I go get more coffee.
Blair: How can I stomach going to his charity auction later? Watching everyone ooh and ooh la la over that French floozy and that watch. Some are speculating it costs more than anything he ever gave me.
Serena: B, I know it’s hard to see Chuck with someone else, but you have to stop doing this to yourself.
Blair: I’m just worried about him. We’ve seen this before! Strangers weaseling their way into our hearts. Clearly Eva has an agenda. I’m guessing it’s his money.
Serena: You know Eva actually seems nice, and even if she isn’t it’s not your business anymore.
Blair: Oh. And it’s your business to be monitoring Nate and Juliet? And even worse, Humphrey and Dumpty?
Serena: Fine. We’re both having trouble moving on. But it was just so easy in Paris.
Blair: You were just so easy in Paris.
Serena: Enough. But now—
Blair: Now you’re here, and those boys are taken.
Serena: For now.
Blair: Yes, you’re right. Maybe Dan and Nate will see the error of their ways and break up with those girls. Or they’ll marry them and you’ll die hitting refresh.
Serena: Okay fine. You know what? I will stay away from Nate and Dan. But you have to stay away from Chuck and Eva. No plotting. No meddling. No Blair Waldorfing.
Blair: I’m not going to! I wasn’t— I… was going shopping. Anyway.
Serena: Okay. Then I’m just going to stay home and unpack all day. No gala. And tonight we’ll watch Amelie and try to recreate our favorite cocktails from Le Très Particulier. Deal?
Serena: I know what you’re up to. You’re at Cartier checking the cost of that watch. You’re breaking your pact.
Blair: And you’re looking at Gossip Girl, thereby breaking yours. Anyway it just so happens that my watch is broken.
Serena: You were wearing it yesterday and it worked perfectly fine.
Blair: Well. smashes the watch on the case. Now it doesn’t. She notices Eva.
Serena: Blair, we had a deal. silence B, why did you stop talking?
Blair: No reason.
Blair: Good afternoon Chuck. I thought we might enjoy some tea. You know how I adore those Empire bacon scones.
Chuck: I know everything about you, which is why I know your visit probably has more to do with a scheme than a scone.
Blair: Chuck you’ve changed. What makes you think I haven’t. And speaking of your newfound affinity for the huddled masses, how is the delightful Eva?
Chuck: Leave her alone Blair.
Blair: If you’re as serious about her as Cindy Adams thinks, then we’ll be crossing paths all the time. Don’t you think we should be friends? Eva walks in. Yay! There she is.
Chuck: Don’t worry, Blair was just—
Blair: Sitting. For some tea. Scone?
Blair: Forgive me for being vulgar, but I’ve always wanted a Baignoire timepiece. Might I see it?
Eva: Oh, I— I don’t have it on. I brought it in to be resized.
Blair: Are you sure you mean resized? Because I think you brought it in to be returned. For cash.shows Chuck her phone See? That is Eva selling the watch. It is pretty. The watch I mean. Not the wad of hundies. Though Eva might disagree.
Chuck: Eva, what’s going on?
Eva: I needed the money for a friend.
Blair: That weak excuse might have worked in the former Vichy Republic, but Chuck and I are savvy New Yorkers.
Blair: Serena, do you remember when Chuck gave his heart to his mother? That was the beginning of the end. Of everything. Please.
Eva about meeting Chuck: Actually I was in my room when I heard the gunshots. I went downstairs and…
Blair: You found him?
Eva: Well when the ambulance didn’t show up I knew I had to do something myself.
Blair: So you’re a beautiful blonde nurse without a mean bone in your body and you literally saved Chuck’s life.
Eva: You make it sound like I’m an angel. I just… I just did what I had to.
Blair: The woman is a saint! She didn’t recoil from those creepy cat rescuers. Or turn away from those pictures of the starving children. She didn’t even cringe when that homeless man licked her arm.
Dan: Well she might be used to weird guys licking her.
Serena: Yeah, ’cause she may be a saint but she’s also a prostitute.
Chuck: So how’s the humiliation going to go down? Did your scheme team find Eva’s pimp? Is he going to roll up to the press with platforms on?
Chuck: Oh. Well maybe you’ll project a sex tape of Eva and one of her johns as I make my way up to the dais.
Blair: Chuck, I’m not trying to humiliate anyone. I just wanted you to know the truth, but obviously you already do.
Chuck: Yes. And I don’t care.
Blair: How can you not care? This is your mother all over again! You’re giving your heart to a money grubbing harlot who only cares about herself. Please don’t do this.
Chuck: You just can’t stand to see someone finally change me that wasn’t you.
Blair: Eva, would you mind if I had a word with Chuck? It’s important.
Eva: Why not Blair. What more can you possibly do to me.
Chuck: What do you want now? To tell me Nate’s running a secret drug ring.
Blair: If he was you’d probably make him the CEO of Bass Industries.
Chuck: You have twenty seconds.
Blair: I thought finding out your honey was a hooker would be enough to sway you but you just rewarded her for her tricks. Pun intended.
Blair: No Dan? In that dress. I’m shocked.
Serena: Yeah, I guess it’s for the best though. I mean If I end up with Dan a part of me will always love Nate. If I end up with Nate a part of me will always love Dan, so I don’t know. I guess I just need to find someone who gives me what I get from both of them.
Blair: That’s a mature decision. Not sure I’ve made many of my own for awhile.
Serena: What do you mean?
Dorota: Miss Blair, Mr. Chuck is here.
Chuck: I know what you did Blair. It’s despicable even for you. Do you hate me so much you can’t stand to see me happy?
Chuck: So why did you drive the person I care most about out of town?
Blair: Eva left? Chuck I never meant to—
Chuck: Make her leave me? Of course you did. I need to know why.
Is it possible you still love me?
Blair: How could I still love you after what you did?
Chuck: So you did it just to hurt me. Eva made me into someone I was proud to be. You just brought back my worst self. This means war, Blair.
Chuck: Me versus you. No limits.
Blair: Indra Nooyi. Ann Moore. Andrea Young. Why are these all businesswomen?
Jessica: We color-coded for easy reference. Businesswomen are in green. Women in academia are in blue.
Zoe: Politics and Government in red with a subsection on royalty and dictators.
Serena: Oo, Files. What’s going on?
Blair: Researching women of power so I can better forge my path to become one. Sarah Louise Palin? to Zoe: Do you even want to be a minion?
Serena: B, can I talk to you for a minute?
Blair: Yes. Five paces behind. For privacy. to Zoe. Ten for you.
Serena: With Dan and Nate behind me I really feel like I can bury the old me and start anew.
Blair: May you rest in peace.
Serena: The only problem is I’ve been late for my English Lit class a few times and lates count as absences, which—
Blair: If only there were a device of some kind to keep the time. S, listen to me. College professors have a God complex. So just meet with him and say you’re sorry. The simplest way to turn an enemy into a friend is to seek their counsel.
Serena: Who taught you that, one of your Asian Art of War gurus?
Blair: Martha Chamberlin. She’s guest lecturing a series called The Psychology of Business. I’m heading to the registrars to sign up.
Serena: Oh, I love her. B, how do you do it? Chuck declares war and you simply up your classload.
Blair: The more time I spend on campus the safer I am. Chuck is allergic to education and bettering himself.
Serena: Well I’m not. So if I’m going to work on my new self I should head to the library. Sign me up for Martha’s class. We’ll go together.
Blair: What are you doing here?
Chuck: Go Lions.
Blair: No. That’s impossible. even for you.
Chuck: The dean’s extended me the courtesy of auditing a few classes. He thought it important I get the feel for campus life before breaking ground on the new Bart Bass Memorial Rotunda.
Chuck: It’s a building. With a circle ground plan. Usually covered by a dome—
Blair: I know what a rotunda is! You can’t be here. Columbia is mine. What do you want?
Chuck: Funny, last time we spoke I thought I was crystal clear. You took away what I cared about most. To return the favor, I’m going to take Columbia away from you.
Serena: I mean who would lie to Gossip Girl like that?
Blair: Do you really want a list? Because I don’t know if I have that kind of time.
Serena: A good scandal is one thing, but even Gossip Girl likes to keep things classy and somewhat true. I just wanted to focus on school.
Blair: Well don’t let this stop you. Without someone confirming the rumor it’ll blow over by lunch. Now just keep doing what you’re doing. Hold your head high. This is our school. We were here first, damn him to hell!
Serena: Why do I get the feeling like your pep talk is not entirely meant for me.
Blair: Chuck is here. At Columbia.
Serena: Wow. He’s bringing the battle to campus?
Blair: Yes. Well. I already have a battle plan.
Tiffany: Ms. Chamberlin’s largest client to date?
Blair: National Rifle Association. She created the Mama Bears campaign. Increased female membership by a third.
Zoe: And the cherry pie?
Blair: Her first major success was branding
a cherry pie recipe for Better Homes & Gardens.
Tiffany: How do you go from Better Homes & Gardens to the NRA?
Blair: It’s a short trip, believe me.
Blair: We can’t let the men of our past define us. They want us to lash out, lower ourselves to their level. But it is our job to remain civilized.
Serena: So you’re going to let Chuck have the assistant position then.
Blair: I said civilized, not lobotomized.
Ms. Chamberlin: Let’s just say that nothing is set in stone.
Blair: Hm. I’m sorry, did you say scone?
Sam: Sam. Hi. I must say, Blair did not do you justice.
Ms. Chamberlin: I know the feeling. to Blair: You thought this was my special someone.
Blair: No. I mean unless…
Ms. Chamberlin: What? Since I’m a powerful career-driven woman who intimidates men I must be a lesbian.
Blair: No. This is not the date I set up! He was an intellectual property lawyer who does pro bono work helping kids sue Hollywood for stealing their Twitter ideas.
Ms. Chamberlin: Then I suggest you see if he needs an assistant. My class is full. Forever. Great scarf by the way.
Blair ripping off Chuck’s scarf: Where is Martha’s date?!
suite at The Empire. With a woman I assure you he won’t want to leave until morning; maybe afternoon—depends on his cardio.
Blair: I was going to play nice. You think I don’t have a plan B?
Chuck: Plan B? What could be more cunning and devious than date night.
Blair: I had Dorota get chummy with Martha’s maid, who came over from one of her sweatshops in the Philippines. If I have to I’ll blackmail her for the position.
Chuck: An illegal maid scandal, nobody’s cared about those in years.
Blair: Oh, and a lesbian switcheroo doesn’t make you Blackwater.
Chuck: Switcheroo was for fun. The IRS agent standing by to crawl up Martha’s audit is not.
Blair: A tax fraud setup. They give away Girl Scout badges for that.
Blair: Plausible deniability was a good call. And speaking of denials, you’ve been cleared in the court of public opinion. Gossip Girl sent out an official retraction and personal apology to you about the rumor. Not to mention she said whatever person sent it is now on her hit list.
Serena: Yeah well, it was Vanessa.
Blair: Vanessa? Oh a Gossip Girl scorn will only increase her social standing.
Blair: What are you still doing here? I lost the assistant position. The entire faculty thinks I’m just as crazy as you. You’ve made your point. Can’t you take your little celebration elsewhere.
Chuck: If you think I take tonight as some sort of balancing of the scales, I don’t. I’m not trying to make a point Blair. This is just a warm up. Whatever you want, wherever you want it, I am going to be there to take it away from you. I won’t stop until you have nothing.
Blair: You wouldn’t go that far.
Chuck: Who knows my limits since you took away my future.
Blair: That wasn’t your future. That was Henry Prince’s. Destroying me won’t make you happy.
Blair: The only thing that will make you happy you lost the moment you slept with Jenny Humphrey. And that was the best thing that ever happened to me because I got over you forever.
Chuck: If that’s the truth then why haven’t you told anyone about Jenny? Not your family, not your minions, not Gossip Girl. I know you’re not keeping that secret to protect me.
Blair: You wouldn’t. That revelation would result in mutual destruction. You may be homicidal but you’re not suicidal.
Chuck: A man with nothing to live for is capable of anything.
Blair: What have we here? Bed: unslept in. Hair in… missionary disarray. And yesterday’s dress with today’s shame all over it.
Serena: What’s wrong with you? You look exhausted.
Blair: Ugh. I had another Chuck nightmare. It was awful. I was in Wait Until Dark. And I knew that he was there just lying in wait like in real life. But then when he attacked me he turned out to be a she.
Serena: Like Chuck in drag or an actual girl?
Blair: I don’t know! I was blind.
Jenny: Whatever you’re about to do, Blair, my dad and Lily are going to be home any minute.
Blair: Not to worry, Little J. This is going to be a very short conversation. I let you walk away after you whored yourself out to Chuck because I assumed you were smart enough never to come back. I might have been willing to make exceptions for holidays, birthdays, health emergencies of immediate family members, but I don’t believe any of those scenarios apply.
Jenny: Blair I’m just here for one day. I have an interview with Tim Gunn and if everything goes well then he’ll write me a recommendation letter for Parsons.
Blair: Parsons is still in Manhattan is it not?
Jenny: Lower Manhattan. It’s a hundred blocks away from the Upper East Side.
Blair: Semantics! You were banished. If people think I’m not a woman of my word the whole system could break down.
Jenny: Look Blair, I’m not looking to destabilize your social order. You know how much fashion means to me and Parsons is the school for it.
Blair: I’ll call you a car to take you back to Hudson. And wait while you pack.
Jenny: How about a day pass? I promise I’ll leave directly after my interview and you know, who knows if Tim Gunn’s even going to like my work. But either way I won’t set foot in Manhattan for the rest of the year, not even Christmas.
Blair: Jenny-free Holiday Season. It’s been on my wish list for quite some time. Amnesty ’til midnight.
Blair: If it was ever made public that you had a dangerous liaison with a teenage Brooklynite who, also, technically is your step-sister then you’d be socially guillotined.
Chuck: Well I’d be mad to have anything to do with her return then, wouldn’t I?
Blair: Jenny Humphrey is back.
Zoe: She’s violating your order to exile?
Blair: I gave her a day pass. But she is not to move one inch outside that building without me knowing. Got it?
Penelope: Nothing could be more entertaining than bottle-Blonde recon, but we’re still dying to know why you deported Jenny in the first place.
Blair: Yours is not to wonder why. Yours is to do or die. Go!
Blair: Status report.
Penelope: Jenny didn’t get on the train. She’s at the Observer party. We followed her here.
Blair: This isn’t just belligerency. It’s insurgency. Why would she risk escalating my wrath?
Penelope: Tim Gunn is here.
Blair: Of course. An eleventh hour appeal.
Penelope: The Boom Boom Room is a private club and we’re having trouble with the door guy. Can you help?
Blair: Penelope. This isn’t congress. Accomplish something!
Chuck: Looking to paint the town red?
Blair: I don’t know what you’ve heard, but it isn’t your concern. realizing. Unless… it is. You’ve been behind this the whole time, haven’t you? You got Jenny the interview with Tim Gunn. And you made sure that your friend with no benefits stopped by the Empire just to defy me.
Chuck: I told you I wouldn’t rest until you were destroyed. Inviting your old sparring partner back was just my way of avoiding doing all the dirty work myself. Jenny always had a talent for making your life a living hell.
Blair: You’ve gone too far. Bringing Jenny back puts both of our reputations at risk.
Blair: If you’re here to deliver any further humiliation Dorota can sign for it.
Chuck: Jenny was right. If we keep going we’ll both end up dead. I like myself too much to let that happen. I assume you feel the same.
Blair: About myself. More. What do you suggest?
Chuck: A truce.
Blair: Why don’t you just sky write the word “Double Cross”. It’ll be more subtle.
Dorota: Happy to have you home, Miss. Eleanor.
Eleanor: You didn’t think I would miss throwing my only child a 20th birthday party.
Blair: Mother you do know that my actual birthday isn’t until next week, don’t you?
Eleanor: Twenty-three hours of labor, I am not likely to forget.
Chuck: If you give me The Standard on weeknights I’ll give you the Carlyle for the entire Christmas season.
Blair: Done. But I want an addendum that you can’t bed hostesses from a roster of restaurants I frequent.
Serena: Why are we sidebarring? Do you really want access to strip clubs?
Blair: No, I just don’t want to seem like I’m ceding territory too easily. So pretend we’re talking about something serious. Like my birthday. Or, have you figured out that anniversary situation?
Serena: B, what can I do? They’re already planning a family thing.
Blair: Unacceptable. Just like that sex glow you’re sporting.
Serena: There was no sex. Just coffee.
Blair: Coffee is the thing you have before you pay the check to go have sex.
Serena: It’s different. Colin is—
Blair: Our professor. The one you promised to stay away from except where class is concerned.
Serena: Which is why we’re only meeting during office hours.
Blair: You are one macchiato away from making the same mistake that you always make, and I won’t be an accomplice. Especially not on my almost-birthday.
Serena: Did you invite the entire Columbia faculty to your party tonight?
Blair: I may have invited the dean and whomever she favors. Why do you care? You’re not going.
Serena: Well the anniversary party was cancelled, so yes I am. And now it turns out so is Colin.
Blair: Unless you mean Firth or Farrell I’m not listening.
Dan: Chuck. Hey man, I was just stopping by to see Nate but I guess he’s not here.
Chuck: He’s in his room.
Dan: Oh he is? He’s… not in class? I would have thought—
Chuck: You don’t really know how to stage a run-in, do you? Cut to the chase.
Dan: Well, uh, since Blair betrayed you with your uncle I thought maybe you could betray her back. Call my sister, offer her protection.
Blair walking in: Well you’re just about six months late for that, aren’t you Humphrey?
Dan flustered: Hey, I uh… I didn’t expect to see you here. I assumed—
Blair: That Chuck and I would be back at war after that silly Gossip Girl blast? It was obviously fake.
Dan: What gave you that idea?
Blair: We have enemies Humphrey. All powerful people do.
Chuck: We anticipated someone would try to mess with us.
Blair: And this handiwork has your lying little sister’s fingerprints all over it. Besides, Jack Bass wasn’t in France last summer, he was in Chile.
Chuck: Again, how did you know that?
Blair: I must have read about it somewhere.
Blair: … since Gothic Barbie remains safely quarantined upstate, feel free to stop by. If you’re feeling lonely.
Blair: You put gladiolas in my cabbage roses? The Waldorfs is not a Best Western. Get them out!
Blair: How’s the guest list coming?
Eleanor: Everyone who’s anyone will be here. But I couldn’t help but notice a certain Charles Bass has been added to the list. Blair. We don’t need any trouble.
Blair: He’ll be no trouble, Mother. He and I are good.
Eleanor: Yeah. So good you have been berating the help all day.
Blair: Dorota, what’s going on with me?
Dorota: You aren’t fighting with Mr. Chuck so you fight with everyone else.
Blair: Why are you talking to that horrible Juliet and what are you doing here with Nate?
Serena: Well you’ll be happy to know that Colin and I—
Blair: Hey! My ears don’t register his name.
Serena: —are trying to stay away from each other, which is why I brought Nate as a buffer. And since you won’t listen to my Colin problems I had to go to Juliet for advice.
Blair: Serena. Do you have amnesia? Juliet isn’t your friend.
Serena: She’s actually proven to be a pretty good friend since she saved me from Vanessa’s takedown.
Blair: Oh please. If I want to hear fiction I’ll go talk to Jonathan Franzen. In fact…. she walks off.
Chuck: Just one more thing before you go. I was wondering, how did you know where Jack was?
Blair: I think I must have read it online.
Chuck: That’s strange. Last I heard he was off the grid.
Blair: If you’ll excuse me, I’m entertaining.
Nate: So that is the guy that Juliet broke up with me for. He just lied to my face.
Blair: Juliet’s dating him too?
Blair: So is Serena. I knew that Juliet was evil. I have to go warn Serena.
Blair: It only takes one video to topple an entire career. If you don’t believe me just YouTube “connie chung piano”.
Chuck: Blair just listen to me.
Blair: Why did you do it? Because I knew Jack was in Chile last summer? I only found out because I was desperate for news of you.
Chuck: You were?
Blair: All summer. When I was pretending not to care. I wanted to know where you were. I paid a private eye to look but the only Bass he got was your scaly uncle.
Chuck: Blair as much as I hate being at peace with you I didn’t do this.
Blair: If you can stand there and lie to my face then you’re either pure evil or just a common sociopath.
Chuck: You really believe that?
Blair: Of course I do.
Blair: What are you still doing here Chuck? I threw you out hours ago.
Chuck: I wanted to let you know the treaty is over.
Blair: Fine with me. This pretense of civility was exhausting.
Chuck: Being amicable isn’t in our blood. I’ve realized we’re not friends. Friends have to like each other. And after what happened tonight, I could never like you.
Blair: I could never like you either. In fact I hate you.
Chuck: I’ve never hated anyone more.
Blair: Every nerve ending in my body is electrified by hatred.
Chuck: There is a fiery pit of hate burning inside me ready to explode.
Blair: So it’s settled then.
Chuck: We’re settled.
Serena: I need to talk. I’m having Colin issues.
Blair: And boundary issues. Ladies knock. And besides the only issue you should be having with Professor Forrester is the topic of your midterm. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to it the snooze button on this conversation and go back to bed.
Serena: All I can think about is how much I want to be on his arm at the ballet. And instead I’ve got the dean’s target on my back. How are we supposed to even try to have a relationship?
Blair: I hate it when the duvet puffs up like that. Maybe it’s just the way you’re sitting.
Serena: I know we agreed to wait, but it feels like meanwhile life is just passing us by. It’s not fair.
Blair: Life is tough Serena. Get a helmet. Or at least borrow one of my chapeaux. Wear it all day to remind you not to lose your head Get off! Go!
Serena: Well thank you for the great advice.
Blair slapping his hand away: What if someone sees.
Chuck: You don’t like that anymore?
Blair: No, you idiot! I mean what if someone we know sees. Wait, what am I saying? There will be nothing to see. This ends here.
Chuck: What about over there?
Blair: Okay. Hurry.
Blair: Serena. What are you doing on campus so early?
Serena: Watching you climb out of a brownstone vestibule with Chuck following like the Bass that ate the canary. And no denials—your skirt’s on backwards.
Blair: No, it isn’t. (it is). Fine. I may have slipped up. A little. But it’s just sex. And a one-time thing at that. Or maybe a five-time thing. Okay, if we’re being honest I’ve lost count how many times. Though that depends on what you’re actually counting as—
Serena: Blair. What are you doing? You’ve come so far. Don’t fall off the wagon now.
Blair: I haven’t! It’s just your ordinary run-of-the-mill ex-sex. Fueled by the most common of aphrodisiacs. Mutual loathing and disdain.
Serena: May I remind you that both of those things are feelings, and having any feelings for Chuck is where the problems always start.
Blair: There are about as many feelings between me and Chuck as there are thoughts in Levi Johnston’s head. We’re nothing more than enemies. With benefits. And quite a lot of judgment coming from you, Elizabeth Taylor! You’re about one inappropriate relationship away from the Guinness Book.
Serena: Colin and I actually had a very good talk this morning and he wants a real relationship too.
Blair: Yes. I hear the 97th Street Transverse is a lovely spot to drive past on a date. I saw you get in that cab.
Serena: We happen to be going away this weekend. So we can get to know each other like a normal couple while still adhering to our rules of course.
Blair: Please. Do you forget what happens to you on vacations? There’s a reason why you never get a tan line. You have no willpower.
Serena: And you do?
Blair: Yes. I stopped having meaningful sex with Chuck and I can just as easily stop having meaningless sex with him, in fact I am going to call him right now and make it clear that our little dalliance is finished forever. And maybe you should follow my example before you get your passport stamped again.
Blair: Dorota, you have to keep me away from Chuck for the next 24 hours no matter what.
Dorota: But Miss Blair—
Blair: Don’t Miss Blair me. The only way to be done with this thing once and for all is to have a Bassectomy. Now help keep me occupied.
Serena: Blair, is there something we need to talk about?
Blair: This is no cause for concern, Serena. I know I said I was quitting Chuck, and I am. It’s just a bit harder to chuck Chuck than I thought. And what if I need sex rehab like Jesse James?
Serena: You’re going to overcome this. Maybe because I overcame my obstacle today. I showed some willpower and I broke up with Colin.
Blair: Good for you! For once, you’re thinking with your brain and not with your…
Serena offering: Macaroon? If he really wanted to be with me, all he needed to do was just drop the class. It was a class that he didn’t want or need to teach anyway.
Blair: You are Serena van der Woodsen. You deserve a guy who would move mountains to be with you if he had to.
Serena: I’ve been thinking about that all day. And you’re Blair Waldorf. Fortitude is your talent. Stay strong. I’ll see you at the ballet. I gotta go make a call.
Blair: What are you doing here? Step any closer and I’ll scream.
Chuck: You better believe you will. If we’re going to end this we have to start the immersion therapy right away.
Blair: What are you talking about? This is a detox. We have to stay away from each other.
Chuck: Where’s the fun in that?
Blair: Cleanses aren’t fun, they’re effective.
Chuck: You know what’s even more effective? Excess. Eat anything to much and you won’t want it again. I hope you did your yoga. This could go on a while.
Colin: Blair. Is Serena here?
Blair: No. But the better question is, why are you here?
Colin: I came to my senses and did what I should have done weeks ago. I called the dean and told her I am done teaching at Columbia. I even managed to find a replacement.
Blair: Just when I had written you off. Well not “just”. I kind of wrote you off weeks ago. Sorry.
Blair: Hurry! There’s a Bass on the loose and its hungry. Actually. grabs a macaroon. So am I.
Dean Reuther: [W]hile usually it’s the professor in the student-professor relationships that takes responsibility for any impropriety, if that student is under suspicion of trading sex for grades in the past I think we might need to examine the situation more closely.
Vanessa: Let me get my camera.
Juliet: Here. Look as close as you want.
Blair: Oh! Let me help you with that. drops it in her champagne. Oops. You didn’t want to look at those photos anyway because it wasn’t Serena in them. It was me.
Serena: Blair, you don’t have to do this.
Blair: Why would I jeopardize my college career by lying. So go ahead, fire Colin. Oh wait! He already quit. So let’s just go in and enjoy some jeté. Allegro.
Chuck: If I could say something. I for one can fully corroborate Miss Waldorf’s story. She was indeed having an affair with Professor Forrester. I know this because I keep tabs on everyone Blair sees and talks to, due to my insatiable jealousy. Though she did state something to the effect that he didn’t quite satisfy her like I used to.
Blair: It’s true.
Serena: Now it’s our turn.
Chuck: Your obsession with Serena has grown tiresome.
Blair: Just because you have no money and delusions of grandeur does not make it okay for you to be a single white trash female.
Juliet: Nate, this isn’t me. You know that.
Nate: How would I ever believe anything you say again.
Blair: Well you can believe the part where she does her own hair.
Blair: There’s nothing I love more than coming home with a victory under my belt. What do you think our count is?
Chuck: For us, a million. The world, zero.
Blair: Sometimes I think a takedown’s better than sex.
Chuck: Don’t get crazy now.
Blair: Well it’s an endorphin rush.
Plus it makes me think of old times. I really appreciate you stepping up tonight.
Chuck: I wanted to say you owe me, but for some reason it didn’t feel right.
Blair: Wow. Holding back from a threat. It’s almost like something a friend would do.
Chuck: Maybe that’s because it’s what we are. Friends.
Blair: Well. Who knew it’d take tons of hate-sex and a public takedown for us to get here.
Chuck: I should be going. Good night, Waldorf.
Blair: Same to you, Bass.
Blair: Nothing wrong with a lobster pot pie between friends.
Blair: Dorota! I need  and an assortment of Chloe that’s subtle but sexy.
Dorota: For your meeting with Mrs. Archibald?
Blair: No, for my dinner with Chuck. And… I see your brain trying to translate the implications from Polish. But there are none. So stop thinking and do.
Anne: I feel I need to tell you, the board is very focused on the fact that the head of a female empowerment organization needs to be someone who’s empowered herself.
Blair: Well they’re in luck, because power isn’t just my mission. It’s my mantra.
Anne: It’s more your personal relationships that are in question.
Blair: I assume you don’t mean Nate.
Blair: People do change. Not that I know if Chuck has since I rarely associate with him anymore.
Anne: People may forgive the choices you’ve made in your past, but if you want this foundation in your future I’ll need some assurance that Charles won’t be a part of it.
Blair: He’s not even part of my present.
Blair: Don’t look at me like that. You’re the one that’s black and white and read all over.
Serena: How do you think that happened? I secret relationship.
Blair: But Chuck and I are not in a relationship. What are you, a foot fetishist? They’re done!
Serena: B, come on. You and Chuck have way too much history to interact in a casual way.
Blair: As for your devoted suitors, have you finally decided whom to crush?
Serena: No, and I have feeling for both. I don’t want to hurt either. I have a whole new appreciation for Big Love.
Blair: Well. Even in Utah only the men get to have more than one spouse. Which, I’ve come to realize, is extremely sexist.
Blair: Okay, fine Dorota. Since you badgered it out of me, yes, it’s true. Chuck said he loved while in a compromising position.
Dorota: He did?
Blair: He did.
Dorota: This is just like in book. When time traveler comes to declare love for lost princess.
Blair: Yes. But unlike your dirty, long-haired lothario, Chuck probably didn’t mean it. He simply blurted it out in the height of passion.
Dorota: But Mr. Chuck does not seem like blurter.
Blair: Well he’s obviously become one, and I did the polite thing and acted like I didn’t hear.
Dorota: You didn’t say “I love you” back?
Blair: And be a weak, sniveling “Stand by Your Man” who never runs a foundation or anything else? No! I’m an empowered woman and I won’t let three words that were probably meaningless change that.
Blair: I heard what you said.
Chuck: What conversation are you referring to exactly?
Blair: Three one syllable words that, under the circumstances, you may or may not have meant.
Chuck: Do you want me to have meant them?
Blair: If they were true I would want to know. silence. Of course. People do lose their rational thought during sex. They bark and scream out for God and their mothers. I should get back to Anne.
Chuck: I meant it Blair. With all my heart. You going to say something this time?
Blair: I will. I mean… I do.
Chuck: In our life we can’t have everything. Anne won’t be the only person who might think you’re weak for forgiving me.
Blair: And you won’t build a business based on being New York’s bad boy bachelor.
Chuck: I understand the consequences. Are we willing to pay them?
Blair: Shouldn’t empowered women get to have relationships too?
Blair: So Anne, Nate and Dan are all liars? That’s a lot of people to blame. Even for you. Just admit you did the wrong thing. Or maybe you don’t know what that is anymore.
Serena: You know, you’re not the first person to say that today so I guess it must be true. You know it was a bad choice thinking that you’d be on my side.
Blair: Not as bad a my believing that you’d ever be happy for my success.
Chuck: I’ll give you the money to start whatever foundation you want.
Blair: It won’t change anything. Anne’s right. As long as I’m with you I’m Hillary in the White House. And I want to be Hillary, Secretary of State but… with better hair.
Chuck: Then you’ll find another way to show the world you’re a force to be reckoned with. We’ll build our futures together.
Blair: I followed my heart all last year and it led me nowhere. Now I need to follow my head.
Chuck: You don’t need to chose between them. Look at Brad and Angelina. They take turns on top.
Blair: Yeah, but she won an Oscar first. I’m sorry, but I have to be Blair Waldorf before I can be Chuck Bass’ girlfriend.
Chuck: I love you.
Blair: I love you too. I don’t expect you to wait.
Chuck: If two people were meant to be together, eventually they’ll find their way back.
Blair: Do you really believe that?
Chuck: I do.
Blair: So do I.
Blair: Strolling the Christmas markets with Daddy and Roman. Celebrating the Beaujolais Nouveau at Le Tambour. Did you remember my new Burberry?
Blair: That’s the double-faced. I need the shearling. Do you want me to freeze?
Dorota: Yes. I want you to freeze.
Blair: Why aren’t you excited for me? You know how much I love Paris in Autumn.
Dorota: With everything that’s happened with Mr. Chuck and Miss Serena I also know that you want to get out of the Dodge.
Blair: “Out of Dodge”. It’s a place not a pick-up truck. And I’m not leaving because of them. Dorota gives her a look. Well not entirely because of them.
Dorota: It’s Ana’s first holiday season. So many traditions to share. The breaking of oplatek, the waiting for first star. The singing kolenda….
Blair: Do any of these traditions include getting to the point?
Dorota: I took liberty of making Harold’s famous Thanksgiving pie for you.
Blair: I’m not sure that’s getting through airport security.
Dorota: I thought maybe we could drop it off at van der Woodsen’s on way to airport.
Blair: Serena is the one who forced Chuck and me into the open and tried going after my committee. She’s the one staying at Lily’s to avoid me. Shouldn’t she be bringing me pies?
Dorota: Forget I mentioned it. I throw pie in trash.
Blair: No. It’s fine. But this is only about pies and traditions. That’s all. Do they have a word in Polish for “pain in the ass”?
Blair: What are you doing here?
Chuck: Thanksgiving. The only day of the year it’s acceptable to eat dinner before 8.
Blair: Oh. Of course, right. Thanksgiving.
Dorota: We bring pie.
Chuck: I should have asked Lily if you were coming. I can leave if you’d like.
Blair: Don’t be silly, I was just headed to JFK. But even if I wasn’t we should get used to little run-ins like these. I mean if Bruce and Demi can do it it can’t be that difficult.
Lily walking in: Oh! Blair, Dorota. What are you doing here?
Blair: Just bringing a little tradition. I’m spending the holidays with Daddy and Roman in Paris. I figured since we usually spend this day together that, you know, um… Is Serena here?
We thought she was with you.
Blair: No, I haven’t seen her since Chuck’s party. She never came home.
Eric: Okay, alright. Now I’m worried.
Chuck: She’s not at The Empire.
Lily: Well then where the hell is she?
Serena: You can spare me whatever you rehearsed on the way over. I’m not going back.
Blair: Even if it’s what’s best for you?
Serena: You don’t get a vote. I can’t believe you took her side.
Serena: Look, call whoever you need to call but the only way I’m going back there is in a straightjacket.
Serena: What makes you think I want to talk to you anymore than her?
Blair: Do you remember when I had my problem? And I never wanted to go to Dr. Sherman. So you would walk me and wait outside the building to make sure that I went in, and an hour later you’d be standing there to walk me home, no questions asked. If it wasn’t for you I’d never have gotten better.
Serena: Except I don’t need to get better. I didn’t do anything.
Blair: So what? Someone went on a bender and rented a room with your credit card and forced pills down your throat?
Serena: I know how it sounds.
Blair: Good. ‘Cause it sounds—
Serena: Crazy. Yeah, I got that.
Blair: After everything that happened today, and the thought of losing Serena forever, maybe a part of me is questioning what I said to you last week.
Chuck: I showed up today for Serena. What you said was right. We need to be on our own, figure out where we go from there. Otherwise we’re just torturing ourselves.
Blair: This isn’t torturing me.
Chuck: I can’t be your friend right now. As much as I wish I could.
Blair: I’m sorry.
Chuck: I’m not. I got to spend a little more time with you.
Blair: Happy Thanksgiving, Chuck.
Blair: How many times do I have to go Courtney Love on your ass before you get the message? I don’t want you here.
Jenny: The girl on Gossip Girl’s blast isn’t Serena.
Jenny: It’s Juliet. We had a plan to turn everyone against her. When you and Chuck were exposed at his party, that was me.
Jenny: And while I was doing that Juliet was kissing Dan and Nate. We were both dressed exactly like Serena. This is from her costume. It’s what she wore in those photos.
Blair: That’s a pretty tall tale from a not-too-reliable source.
Jenny: Blair, what reason do I have to come clean? Like it or not, you know me. And you know that I love a good game as much as the next girl but I would never want to hurt Serena for real. Juliet did and she used Vanessa and me to do it.
Blair: Are you willing to go double-agent? Help me bring Juliet down?
Jenny: I wish I could. But you were right in banishing me. I thought I could change and I didn’t. So I think the best thing for me to do is go. And stay gone.
Blair: Thanksgiving without Jenny Humphrey. What fun would that be?
Jenny: Juliet’s apartment’s empty. I’m pretty sure she left town. Good luck.
Blair: Just because we can’t be friends doesn’t mean we aren’t.
Dan: Vanessa? Oh. Blair.
Blair: I owe you an apology. Juliet may have been behind Serena’s overdose. And I have no intention of letting it go unavenged. I need your help to find her and extract a confession. You in?
Dan: Aren’t I about the last person you want helping you?
Blair: You love Serena, don’t you? So. We have something in common. What do you say we find that bitch and get us a little frontier justice.
Dan: So. Juliet dressed up like Serena at Saints & Sinners to destroy her relationships with me and Nate.
Blair: And enlist Vanessa and Jenny to mess with me.
Dan: Which is devious and pathetic, but let’s face it, around here it’s just another Saturday night .
Blair: Well you can’t show up at a masked ball and not expect at least one social climbing doppelganger to try and impersonate you.
Dan: But then, according to Jenny, Juliet posted a photo of herself as Serena doing coke.
Blair: And for that she will be judged by a higher power. But we—
Dan: We’ve seen worse.
Blair: Well I was going to say “done worse,” but. Yes.
Dan: Okay, but then— Serena wakes up in a hotel room after almost OD’ing.
Blair: And that is where the Juliet Express goes off the rails and heads straight for crazy town.
Dan: The next thing we know, Serena wakes up, insists she didn’t go on a bender.
Blair: But then the photo shows up online and she starts to doubt herself and checks herself into the Ostroff. Which brings us up to the present.
Dan: The thing we need to figure out is why. I mean, Colin, Nate, Hamilton House—none of that explains taking things so far.
Blair: Well as someone well-acquainted with the darker human emotions, let me offer my theory. There is only one motive powerful enough to fuel a gaslighting like this and that is retribution.
Dan: Retribution for what?
Blair: What do you mean, “no visitors”? I don’t think you realize who were are.
Dan: Who she thinks she is, is more like it. Look, I’m family. I’m Serena’s brother— or, step-brother technically, which I do mostly try to put out
of my mind seeing as we dated pretty seriously—
Blair: Humphrey, they treat people in here for less serious complexes than that. Do you want to get committed? I’ll just call her. I’m sure that we’re on her list.
Eric: There is no list. And her phone is locked away in a drawer somewhere. Look, Serena’s doctor recommended that she start her treatment with 72 hours no contact. That includes me, my mom and you guys.
Dan: No, but Serena doesn’t need to be here. Juliet was behind everything.
Blair: And we have some questions for her.
Eric: Whatever screwy series of events got her in the front door, she’s here now.
And she’s getting the help she’s probably needed for a long time, so… whatever you’re up to, you need to do it without Serena.
Blair: We can’t do nothing for three days. Who knows how far Juliet could get in that time.
Dan: Yeah, I think we just gotta tell my dad and Lily. What Juliet did with these pills is against the law.
Blair: Police and parents. Of course that’s your plan, Humphrey. Or we could sneak in to see Serena. That receptionist got a pretty good look at me but maybe with a wig.
Dan: That’s your plan? Disguises and accents?
Blair: I never said anything about accents. Can you do any?
Dan: Now look, Eric is right. We need to leave Serena out of this and just find Juliet on our own.
Blair: Well Colin is her cousin. We could track him down at whatever economic summit he’s at this week.
Dan: Nate dated her.
Blair: My minions knew her for a whole year before we showed up.
Dan: Or… there is someone who seems to know everything. About everyone.
Blair: Besides me, who? Gossip Girl? She’s not a ouija board, Humphrey. You can’t just ask “Where’s Juliet” and expect her to point you in the right direction.
Dan: Maybe you can. Look, think about it. You and Serena are her people, not Juliet. And Serena really could have been hurt. Plus I’m sure she’s furious that Juliet sent in that fake photo. Does she even know that it’s fake?
Dan: This is excruciating. What if she doesn’t respond and all we’re doing is wasting valuable time?
Blair: Our time is not that valuable. Until we know where Juliet is
we don’t know whether we need to charter a jet or if your Metrocard will suffice for our journey.
Blair: Is the pedal to the metal? Because I swear if I shove my feet through the floor I could run faster. At least there’s no radio so I’m spared your horrid taste in music. I think we were supposed to turn there.
Dan: You know I’d tell you to stop being such a back seat driver but how can you be one when you don’t even know how to drive.
Blair: I offered to get us a car service. Professional driver, comfortable seats, champagne!
Dan: We’re on a mission here.
Dan: First, my dad swapped a ’69 Les Paul for this car. It’s a collectors item. Second, it was either this or the Lincoln Hawk van which, all I’m saying has graphics.
Blair: Fine. We should almost be there. Let me just consult the GPS. Oh wait. That’s me.
Dan: I’m not sure what’s supposed to happen right now. If she really is in there, what’s our plan? I mean what are we going to do, we’re just gonna march up to her and… pull her hair?
Blair: For starters.
Blair about the “I Heart Balls” guy: Oh. At least he’s owning it.
Blair: Look, I think I figured it out. Okay, Serena had an affair with her teacher because, let’s face it, it’s Serena and what else is there to do in Connecticut. Then she came to her senses and discarded him like last season’s Chanel booties. Then he became a crazy stalker and Serena pressed charges. That should be a warning to you, Humphrey.
Dan: Yeah, because the parallels are striking.
Blair: Never-to-be-realized literary aspirations: check. Townie: you’re from Brooklyn so check. And giving up everything to became Serena van der Woodsen’s stalker. Check. Face it Humphrey, you are one knitted tie away from Mr. Donovan territory.
Serena: B, it’s okay. I talked to Juliet. She’s not the problem anymore. It’s my mom.
Blair: Well clearly she’s drugged Serena again! Dan, write a list of everything Damien said that he sold to Juliet. to Nate: And you. Look at the list and tell us which one of those drugs causes you to repeatedly trust psychopaths.
one week later…
Dan: See I told you. Food is more delicious when you cook it yourself.
That’s why we’re going to end this experiment in middle class living and then call the housekeeper to clean up.
Blair: No way! I stuck my hand up a turkey’s butt. You’re not getting out of your job.
Chuck: Well I’ve provided the location, so I did my part. Now I’m off to New Zealand to enjoy a taste of summer and girls who like sex games in the Rain Forest.
Dan: I’ll help clear. It’s only fitting seeing as I did the shopping, set the table and… oversaw the cooking.
Nate getting up to help: Alright.
Blair: What are you still doing here? Shouldn’t you be off living your dream? Days on end in a real car with Serena?
Dan: No. I’m staying here. So actually I’ll be living out my nightmare. Trapped in the city with only Blair Waldorf to talk to.
Blair: Nate’s here. I’ll share custody as long as I’m in first position.
Dan: Nate’s with his grandfather.
Blair: Eric then?
Dan: Gestad with Elliot. Please don’t continue down the list. I promise you it’s just me. I won’t be calling. I’m going to be very busy writing, turning Vanessa’s room into an office, seeing Nanette at the Film Forum.
Blair: I’m seeing Nanette at Film Forum.
Dan: You like French documentaries about orangutans?
Blair: Nanette is an inspiration. Last summer I’d go to Les Jardins des Plante all the time just to visit her. If we happen to run in to each other, please don’t sit next to me.
Dan: I wouldn’t think of it. Let’s just finish these dishes so we can go home. Alright?
Blair: I’ll wash, you dry. You wouldn’t know how to handle Riedel.
Dan: This coming from the one holding what appears to be a bottle of L’Occitane shampoo.
Blair: You can’t wash good wine glasses in common dish soap. Just follow my lead, Humphrey. You’re used to doing that.