Hollywood A.D.

Mulder (Garry Shandling): I break the Lazarus Bowl, and all your sniper zombies go back to being good little well-behaved corpses.
Cigarette Smoking Pontiff (Tony Amendola): You don’t fool me, Mulder. That bowl is your Holy Grail. Encoded in its ancient ceramic grooves are the words Jesus spake when he raised Lazarus from the dead. Still capable of raising the dead two thousand years later. Proof positive that of the paranormal. You could no sooner destroy that than let the redhead die.

Scully (Tea Leoni): Is that your flashlight, Mulder? Or are you just happy to be alive and on top of me.

Wayne Federman taking notes: She: Jodi Foster’s foster child on a Payless budget. He’s kind of a Jehovah’s Witness meets Harrison Ford’s Witness.

Federman: Yo yo yo, Agent Mulder, I don’t want to eat your lunch. I’m just here for some procedural flavor. Just a taste.
Mulder: I have no idea what you just said.

Skinner: Agent Mulder, Mr. Federman will accompany you today to Christ’s Church where he will act as an observer on this case. You will extend to him every courtesy and protection you would a friend of mine and a friend of the Bureau’s. Agent Scully, I require your services here for the morning.
Mulder: Sir, have I pissed you off in a way that’s more than normal?

Federman: I’m just curious if she’s more than your partner.
Mulder: Enough, Wayne.

Federman: How about the Shroud of Turin?
Cardinal O’Fallon (Harris Yulin): No, I’m afraid not. But we do have the bathrobe of Saint Peter.
Federman: You’re kidding!
Cardinal O’Fallon: Yes, I am.
Federman: That’s a good line.
Cardinal O’Fallon: Thank you.

Mulder: Micah Hoffman, Willie Mays and Frank Serpico. That’s my Holy Trinity, Scully.

Federman: In the 70s didn’t he go real low-profile?
Mulder: Yeah, right after Altamont he was never really heard from again.
Federman: The Stones get blamed for everything. I don’t get it.

Federman: Well. Dharma Bum to Dharma Bomb.
[ … ]
Federman: Wow. From counter-culture to counterfeiter.
Mulder: Alright, one more pun and I pull out my gun.

Federman: I think the real question, agents, is what might O’Fallon being doing with Hoffman’s forgeries. You don’t need a Weatherman to know which way the wind blows…. Don’t shoot.

Federman: I like the way you guys work. No warrants, no permission, no research. You’re like studio executives with guns.

Federman: I didn’t hallucinate. That was mechanical or CGI.
Mulder: Federman, that was real life.
Federman: The difference being?

Mulder: You know, sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction.
Federman: Well fiction is quicker than truth. And cheaper. You want my advice? You’re both crazy.
Mulder: Why do you say that?
Federman: Well, you’re crazy for believing what you believe. And you’re crazy for not believing what he believes. I’ll leave you with that.

Scully: You know, Mulder, I know that Federman’s BS’ing you, so I’m really hesitant to mention this. But his story reminds me of the Lazarus Bowl.
Mulder: The Lazarus Bowl?
Scully: We had this wacky nun in Catholic school—Sister Callahan. We used to call her Sister Spooky because she would tell us scary stories all the time.
Mulder: Twisted sister. My kind of nun, you know.
Scully: Well she would hold up an old piece of wood with a rusty nail in it, and she would say, “This is an actual piece of the cross that Christ’s wrist was nailed to.” Or she’d show us a vial of red liquid and say that it was John the Baptist’s blood or something.
Mulder: She’d be in prison today. You realize that.

Dr. Chuck Burks (Bill Dow): All this yellow is ambient sound that we habitually tune out. It’s the hum of my hardware, Mulder’s porn tapes on pause, the sound from the street. Everything we hear but we don’t know we hear.

Scully: Who are you?
Micah Hoffman: I am Who I am.

Mulder: I think this whole “Richard Gere” thing has gone to his head.

Scully: Maybe true faith really is a form of insanity.
Mulder: Are you directing that at me?
Scully: No! I’m directing it at myself. And at Ed Wood.

Zombie: What is Tea Leoni’s shoulder made out of?
Director: Um, craft services, what is Tea Leoni’s shoulder made out of?
Craft Services: Turkey, just like you asked for.
Director: Turkey. Ms. Leoni’s shoulder is made of tur—
Zombie: Tofurkey! I asked for tofurkey!

Scully: You know, Mulder, speaking of Hollywood, I think that Tea Leoni has a little crush on you.
Mulder: Yeah right. Like Tea Leoni’s ever going to have a crush on me.
Scully: I think that Shandling likes you a bit too.
Mulder: Really?

Scully: I’ve been looking all over for you.
Mulder: They got it so wrong, Scully.
Scully: I got a page from the Washington Bureau. Micah Hoffman was murdered tonight. Murdered in his own home by Cardinal O’Fallon. Who then hanged himself. A murder-suicide.
Mulder: It’s Jesus and Judas, Scully.

Scully: Mulder, I have something to confess.
Mulder: What’s that?
Scully: I’m in love with Associate Producer Walter Skinner. They laugh.
Mulder: Ah, me too.