The X-Files

Other Characters

1993.09.10    

Amanda Pays  Bill Dow  Blu Mankuma  Brad Dourif  Don S. Davis  Donal Logue  Garry Shandling  Harriet Harris  Harris Yulin  Kevin Weisman  Lance Henriksen  Lily Tomlin  Maggie Wheeler  Mark Sheppard  Michael McKean  Mitch Pileggi  Peter Boyle  Richard Belzer  Tea Leoni  Tony Amendola  William B. Davis  Xander Berkeley  Zeljko Ivanek

Season One

Deep Throat: You have much work to do, Agent Mulder. Don’t jeopardize the future of your own efforts.

Emil (Seth Green): Oh man. Did we tell him about the landmines and junk?

Deep Throat: Mr. Mulder, why are those like yourself who believe in the existence of extraterrestrial life on this earth not dissuaded by all the evidence to the contrary?
Mulder: Because all the evidence to the contrary is not entirely dissuasive.
Deep Throat: Precisely.
Mulder: They’re here, aren’t they.
Deep Throat: Mr. Mulder, they’ve been here for a long long time.

Tom Colton (Donal Logue): So how are you doing? Have you had any Close Encounters of the Third Kind?
Scully: Is that what everyone thinks I do?
Colton: No, of course not. But you do work with Spooky Mulder.

Blevins: In essence, Mulder is petitioning the Bureau to assign a case number to a tabloid headline.

Rob: So can I ask about the case you’re on or can’t you say?
Scully: I don’t think it’s a case we should discuss over dinner.
Rob: I don’t suppose you’d want to hear about the finer points of estate planning and taxation.

Scully: Brad Wilczek? We’re with the FBI.
Brad Wilczek (Rob LaBelle): What took you guys so long.

COS: Welcome back, Brad.
Wilczek: You’re not equipped with a voice synthesizer. What is my user level?
COS: That is now at the discretion of the operating system.

Mulder: Defense department?
Claude Peterson: Let’s just say our paychecks are signed by the same person.

Dr. Murphy (Steve Hytner): Denny Murphy. Professor of Geology, UC: San Diego.
Mulder: San Diego? You get much of a chance to study ice down there?
Dr. Murphy: Just what’s around the keg.

Dr. Hodge (Xander Berkeley): Can I see some identification?
Mulder: Why?
Dr. Hodge: I want to make sure we are who we say we are.

Dr. Hodge: Parasitic diagnostic procedure requires that every one of us provide a blood and stool sample.
Bear (Jeff Kober): A stool sample?
Dr. Murphy: Wow. This kind of travel always makes that kinda tough.

Dr. Hodge: Forty-five minutes after they evacuated us they torched the place. There’s nothing left
Scully: Who did that?
Dr. Hodge: The military, Centers for Disease Control. You oughta know. They’re your people.

Mulder: I stayed up all night when I was fourteen to watch your spacewalk.
Marcus Aurelius Belt: Well now it’s like a stroll around the block.

Belt: You know what it means to be an astronaut, sir? You risk your life every time you get into your spacecraft. For nothing more than the good promise of mankind.
Mulder: You’ve got no argument from me, sir. You’re true American heroes.
Belt: Heroes? We used to make headlines when we did our job right. Now they bury you in the back of the paper. Name me two astronauts in the last mission. You make the front page today only if you screw up.

Deep Throat: Mulder, the continental United States is surrounded by an electronic fence that reaches fifteen thousand miles into space. We use it to track and monitor the seven thousand and eighty-seven man-made objects that orbit the earth. Last night at 2317, that fence was breached.

Deep Throat: I’d say you have twenty-four hours before the entire area is sanitized. After that, it’ll be like nothing ever happened.

Fraser: Where is it?
Koretz: Well sir, the “meteor” seems to be hovering over a small town in eastern Wisconsin.

Deep Throat: Always keep your friend close, Mr. McGrath. But keep your enemies closer.

Deep Throat: Are you certain she hasn’t followed you?
Mulder: Yes. What are you doing here?
Deep Throat: I thought we might take in a Warriors game. Actually, I was just in the neighborhood and wondered if I had ever told you about the Litchfield experiments.
Mulder: Hm. No, you haven’t.
Deep Throat: Well. It was a most interesting project. Highest level of classification, all records have since been destroyed. And those who knew of it will deny knowledge of its existence. In the early fifties, during the height of the Cold War, we got wind the Russians were fooling around with eugenics—rather primitively, I might add. Trying to cross-breed their top scientists, athletes, [you name it/anything]. To come up with the superior soldier. And naturally, we jumped on the bandwagon.
Mulder: The Litchfield Experiment.
Deep Throat: Mm hm. A group of genetically-controlled children were raised and monitored on a compound in Litchfield. The boys were called Adam and the girls were called Eve.

Scully: Why the flashlights?
Guard: She screams and screams if we turn the overheads on. No one’s ever got a really good look at her.

Eve 6 (Harriet Harris): Unlock the chains, and then we’ll talk.
Mulder: They’re probably there for a good reason.

Scully: Are you Sally Kendrick?
Eve 6 (Harriet Harris): That’s not my name. But… she is me and I am her and… we are all together.

Eve 6 (Harriet Harris): You and you, you have 46 chromosomes. The Adams made the Eves. We have 56. We have extra chromosomes. This replication of chromosomes also produces aditional genes. Heightened strength. Heighten intelligence.
Mulder: Heightened psychosis.
Eve 6 (Harriet Harris): Saved the best for last.

Dr. Sally Kendrick (Harriet Harris): I had hoped my work at the Stapes Center had corrected the Litchfield flaws. Psychotic behavior didn’t develop in the Adams and Eves until age sixteen. Homicidal behavior at twenty. Imagine my… disappointment when I learned of your accelerated development. How did you lean of each other’s existence.
Eve 9: We just knew.
Dr. Kendrick: Did you discuss how you’d orchestrate your little prank?
Eve 10: We just knew.

Eve 6: Hello girls. So nice to have company.

Eve 9: Hello Eve 8.
Eve 10: We’ve been waiting.
Eve 8: How did you know I’d come for you?
Eve 9: We just knew.
Eve 10: We just knew.

Phoebe Green (Amanda Pays): Oh come on, don’t tell me you left your sense of humor in Oxford ten years ago.
Mulder: No, actually. It’s one of the few things you didn’t drive a stake through.

Mulder: So what brings you on this detour to Washington D.C., Inspector?
Green: I figured my friend Mulder couldn’t resist a three-pipe problem.

Cecil L’Ively (Mark Sheppard): You won’t shoot me.
Scully: Stay right where you are.
Cecil L’Ively (Mark Sheppard): See. ‘Cause you don’t know the spark from that round won’t blow this whole house to Kingdom Come.

Cecil L’Ively (Mark Sheppard): You can’t kill me! You can’t fight fire with fire!

Nurse: Can I get you anything, sir?
L’Ively: I’m just dying for a cigarette.

William Scully (Don S. Davis): Are you going to leave this up all year?
Scully: Yep, all year. Since you always made us take the Christmas tree down the day after Christmas I’m making up for lost time.
Scully: If your idea of a good time is to pick up dried pine needles, treat yourself.
Maggie Scully: As if he’s an authority on having a good time.

Scully: Good sailing, Ahab.
William Scully: Good night, Starbuck.

Scully: Dad? I thought you guys left. Where’s mom? {the phone rings} Hello?
Maggie Scully: Dana?
Scully: Mom? What’s the matter?
Maggie Scully: We, um… we lost your dad. He had a massive coronary about an hour ago. He’s gone.

Scully: I know that you and Dad were… disappointed that I chose the path I’m on instead of medicine. But I need to know. Was he at all proud of me?
Maggie Scully: He was your father.

Luther Lee Boggs (Brad Dourif): The dead, living, all souls are connected.
Mulder: And you’re the conduit?

Luther Lee Boggs: Mr. Boggs must be made redemptive for his transgressions.
Mulder: That’s exactly what the state of North Carolina intends to do next week.

Luther Lee Boggs: I know what you want. And I know who you want to talk to. Why don’t you just go ahead and ask me.
Scully: I’ll believe you, if you let me talk to him.
Luther Lee Boggs: Starbuck. {he wrestles with himself} No no no! Nobody talks to anybody until I get a deal. Don’t underestimate my fear of dying and don’t downplay my terror of going back to that chair. I know my Hell’s going to be to go on back to that chair over and over again for all of time, but in this life—my one and only life—I don’t ever want to go back again! Ever! Last time I went to Death’s Door I looked inside. I ain’t never talked to a minister before in my life. Ever. Until that day. And he said, “He who doth not love, remains in death. And he who hates his brother is a murderer, and no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.” My family, who I killed after their last meal, was right there to watch me over mine. And their fear and their horror that I made them feel when I killed them was injected into me and their collective fear alone was just one taste of Hell.

Luther Lee Boggs: This cold dark place, Scully, Mulder’s lookin’ in on it right now.
Scully: It may be a cold, dark place for you. But it’s not for Mulder. And it’s not for my father.

Scully: Luther, if you really were psychic—
Luther Lee Boggs: I’d have known you lied. That they’ never was a deal. I know you tried. {she starts to leave.} Scully, avoid the Devil. Don’t follow Henry to the Devil. Leave that to me.

Dupré: What, are you nervous?
Lula: Nope. I just don’t want our luck to run out.
Dupré: Baby, you are my luck. And no matter what happens, whenever I look up at stars, I know you’re gonna be looking up at the same ones.

Bruskin: This isn’t one of your X-File theories, is it?
Mulder: It doesn’t matter what I think. We’re still after the same thing.

Mulder: You’re slipping, Anderson.
Anderson: Ten minutes may be enough time for you, Mulder. Of course I wouldn’t know that from personal experience.

Langly: Check it out, Mulder. I had breakfast with the guy who shot John F. Kennedy.
Mulder: Is that so?
Langly: Old dude now, but yeah. Says he says he was dressed as a cop on the grassy knoll.
Byers: Hey Mulder, listen to this. Vladimir Zhirinovsky, leader of the Russian Social Democrats. He’s being put into power by the most heinous and evil force of the twentieth century.
Mulder: Barney?
Byers: The CIA.
Langly: Is this your skeptical partner?
Frohike: She’s hot.
Byers: You don’t believe that the CIA, threatened by a loss of power and funding because of the collapse of the Cold War, wouldn’t dream of having the old enemy back.
Scully: I think you give the government too much credit.

Mulder: What do you know about Gulf War Syndrome?
Langly: Agent Orange of the nineties.

Langly: UFOs caused the Gulf War Syndrome. That’s a good one.
Byers: That’s why we like you, Mulder. Your ideas are weirder than ours.

Deep Throat: A lie, Mr. Mulder, is most convincingly hidden between two truths.

Deep Throat: Mulder. If a shark stops swimming it will die. Don’t stop swimming.

Deep Throat: I know how badly—how very badly—you want to look through that window. But it would be pointless. It’s dead. After the Roswell incident in 1947, even at the brink of the Cold War, there was an ultra-secret conference attended by the United States, the Soviet Union, the People’s Republic of China, Britain, both Germanies, France. And it was agreed that, should any extraterrestrial biological entity survive a crash, the country that held that being would be responsible for its termination. I, um, have the distinction of being one of three men to have exterminated such a creature. I was with the CIA in Vietnam. A UFO was spotted for three nights over Hanoi. The Marines shot it down and brought it to us. Maybe… it didn’t know what a gun was, or perhaps they don’t show emotion. But that innocent and blank expression as I pulled the trigger has haunted me. Until I found you. That’s why I come to you, Mr. Mulder. And will continue to come to you. To atone for what I’ve done. And maybe sometime, through you, the truth will be known.

Deep Throat: You’re awfully quiet, Mr. Mulder.
Mulder: I’m wondering which lie to believe.

Sheriff Daniels: Ninety-nine percent of the people in this world are fools. The rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Scully: Did he buy you all that jewelry too? I think there’s something missing in your story, Samuel.
Samuel: Do you doubt the power of God, ma’am?
Scully: No. But I doubt the voracity of your claims.
Samuel: I have looked on the infirm and seen their sickness, their cancer. Just as I can see that pain of this man, right here.
Mulder: Really? What pain is that?
Samuel: The pain you have regarding a brother. Or sister. It’s an old pain. It’s never been healed.

Ish: I was at Wounded Knee in 1973. Know what I learned fighting the FBI? They don’t believe in us, and we don’t believe in them.

Ish: Why are you here? What are you looking for?
Mulder: I think you already know what we’re looking for.
Ish: Don’t tell me what I know.

Mulder: Who are they?
Sheriff Charlie Tskany: Guardians of the dead. They escort the deceased spirits to the new world. I only let them as far as the front door. Anybody that knows me, knows I keep the ancient beliefs out there and the police work in here.

Mulder: The woman in the pool hall said that people were afraid of some Indian legend. What do they believe happened in the Parker case?
Sheriff Tskany: Look, I’m not a park ranger here to answer all your questions about Indians.

Ish: You even have an Indian name. “Fox.” You should be Running Fox. Or Stinky Fox.
Mulder: Just as long as it’s not Spooky Fox.

Steve: You gonna take this man’s word over mine?
Spinney: You don’t want to go out in the night. You can take my word on that. It’s out there.

Steve: What? If I go out that door something’s going to attack me, eat me alive and spin me in its web?
Spinney: Yes.
Steve: What, it’s too polite to come in here and get me?
Spinney: For some reason it’s afraid of the light.

Scully: You think these mites are what killed the men?
Spinney: Maybe they’ve been lying there dormant for hundreds of years. Maybe they woke up hungry.

Dr. Monte: You nervous about tomorrow? Don’t be. I know you think they won’t let you out, so I snuck a peek at the reports of the doctors that will testify at your review tomorrow. And they concur with my opinion that you’re ready to be released from here and rejoin the community.

Assistant Director Walter Skinner (Mitch Pileggi): Agent Scully. We have reviewed your reports and frankly we are quite displeased. Irregular procedure. Untenable evidence. Anonymous witnesses. Inconclusive findings aggravated by vague opinion.
Scully: Sir, the very nature of the X-Files cases often precludes orthodox investigation.
Skinner: Are you suggesting the Bureau adopt separate standards for you and Agent Mulder?
Scully: No, sir.
Skinner: Are you suggesting Agent Mulder obstructs you from proper procedure?
Scully: No, sir. If anything I’m suggesting that these cases be reviewed with an open mind.
Skinner: Maybe your mind has become too open.

Frank Ranford: I hope you’ll be comfortable, Eugene. The room in the back is small. But I’m sue you’ll be able to squeeze in.
Tooms: I’m sure I will.

Skinner: You read this report? {silence.} You believe them?
Cigarette Smoking Man (William B. Davis): Of course I do.

Lazard (Maggie Wheeler): Scully, could I talk to you for a second?
Scully: I just started the autopsy.
Lazard (Maggie Wheeler): Yeah, um. I don’t think he’s going anywhere.

Scully: Well, where is he now? Has he been transferred?
Lazard: You could say that. Agent Scully, this guy’s been dead for nine years. Which means that little girl saw a ghost.

Leon Felder: You listen to me, Tony. We agreed to wait ten years. And that is exactly what we’re going to do.
Tony Fiore: I listened to you once before and look what happened.

Anita Fiore: Please don’t hurt him anymore.

Dr. Keats: Roland didn’t do that.
Scully: How do you know?
Dr. Keats: Let’s just say Roland isn’t exactly a rocket scientist.

Scully: You must like stars.
Roland Fuller (Zeljko Ivanek): One hundred and forty-seven.
Scully: Sorry?
Roland pointing to her scarf: Stars.

Deep Throat: Don’t give up on this one. Trust me, you’ve never been closer.
Mulder: Closer to what?

Dr. Carpenter: Only four nucleotides exist in nature. Four. And through some design that we have yet to fathom, every living thing is created out of these four basic building blocks. What you’re looking at is a sequence of genes from the bacteria sample. Normally, we find no gaps in a sequence. But with these bacteria we do.
Scully: And why is that?
Dr. Carpenter: I don’t know why, but I tell you, under any other circumstances my first call would have been to the government.
Scully: What exactly did you find?
Dr. Carpenter: A fifth and sixth DNA nucleotide. A new base pair.
Agent Scully, what you are looking at exists nowhere in nature. It would have to be, by definition, extraterrestrial.

Deep Throat: There are limits to my knowledge, Mr. Mulder. Inside the intelligence community there are so-called “black organizations”. Groups within groups, conducting covert activities unknown to the higher levels of power.

Deep Throat: You must put together everything that you have found and you must find Dr. Secare before they do. I’ll have no further contact with you on this matter.

Assassin: Your cellular phone’s been ringing off the hook.
Mulder: I’m a popular guy. Why don’t you answer it for me?
Assassin: I don’t like talking on the phone. I have this thing about unsecured lines. When you feel like talking, let me know though.

Deep Throat: I’ll take the parcel.
Scully: No sir. I’ll make the exchange.
Deep Throat: I made the deal, Scully. They’re expecting me.
Scully: I don’t trust you.
Deep Throat: You’ve got no one else to trust.
Scully: I don’t know who you are. I know nothing about you.
Deep Throat: Oh for gods sake, don’t screw this up! Let me tell you something you should know. In 1987 a group of children from a Southern state were given what their parents thought was a routine innoculation. What they were injected with was a cloned DNA from the contents of that package you’re holding as a test. That’s the kind of people you’re dealing with.
Scully: So why give it back to them?
Deep Throat: To save Mulder’s life.
Scully: At the risk of so many other’s lives?
Deep Throat: Tip of the iceberg. You and Mulder are the only ones who can bring it to light. Now give me the parcel. {the van pulls up.} Give me the parcel, Scully.

Deep Throat: Trust…. Trust no one.

Season Two

Senator Richard Matheson: You have to get to the radio telescope in Arecibo, Puerto Rico. I’ll try to delay them as long as I can, but my guess is you’ll have at least twenty-four hours. But after that I can no longer hold off the Blue Beret UFO retrieval team. And they have been authorized to display terminal force.
Mulder: What am I looking for?
Matheson: Contact.

Assistant Director Walter Skinner (Mitch Pileggi): When did you last see Agent Mulder?
Scully: Yesterday.
Skinner: Where?
Scully: In the bullpen hallway.
Skinner: Did you speak with him?
Scully: No. Is he in some kind of trouble?
Skinner: Agent Mulder failed to appear at his assignment this morning. His whereabouts are unknown.
Scully: Sir, I’ll volunteer my time to assist in any search.

Skinner: She doesn’t know where he is.
Cigarette Smoking Man (William B Davis): How can you be so sure?
Skinner: Because if she did she wouldn’t be so worried about him.

Dr. Troisky: Looks like the WOW signal.
Scully: The WOW signal?
Dr. Troisky: Ohio State has a radio telescope that conducts electronic searches for extraterrestrial intelligence. In August, 1977, my buddy Jerry Eamon found a transmission on the print-out like this. He was so excited he wrote “wow” in the margins.
Scully: What was there?
Dr. Troisky: A signal. Thirty times stronger than galactic background noise. It came through on the twenty-one centimeter frequency which no satellite transmitters are allowed to use. The signal was intermittent, like Morse code. More importantly, the signal seemed to turn itself on while in the telescope’s beam. The WOW signal is the best evidence of exraterrestrial intelligence. This—this is better.

Skinner: You left your off-site set-up. Another brick agent had to cover your ass. The entire surveillance, all the months of work on this case, gone. Just like you, gone.

CSM to Mulder: Your time is over. And you leave with nothing.
Skinner: Get out. {CSM takes a minute to realize he’s talking to him} I said get the hell out.

Mulder: A minute ago I was a four-bagger. Do you want me to make the arrests?
Skinner: I think we need more to go on. Continue the surveillance.

Skinner: Certainly Agent Mulder, given your recent history here, you’re not one to judge what is or is not a waste of time of the Bureau’s time or manpower.
Mulder: Sir, my work on the X-Files—
Skinner: The X-Files have been closed, Agent Mulder. You will carry out your new assignments. And investigate them to the best of your ability. Is that not clear?

X: I think you should know, you have a friend at the FBI.
Mulder: Who is this?

Foreman: No telling what’s been breeding down there in the last one hundred years.

Mulder: You know, you had a pair of agents that could have handled a case like this. Agent Scully and I might have been able to save that man’s life, but you shut us down.
Skinner: I know. This should have been an X-File. We all take our orders from someone, Agent Mulder.

Mulder: Imagine being one of those flies on the wall of the Oval Office.
Frohike: Been there. Done that.

Frohike: So Mulder, where’s your little partner?
Mulder: She wouldn’t come. She’s afraid of her love for you.
Frohike: She’s tasty.
Mulder: You know, Frohike, it’s men like you that give perversion a bad name.

Mulder: Hey Frohike, can I borrow those?
Frohike: If I can have Scully’s phone number {cut to a shot of Mulder using the night vision goggles}

Mulder: Look, if you’re the one who’s responsible for the illegal spraying, then the sooner you take responsibility the sooner people will stop dying. The killers all resided near heavily sprayed areas.
Larry Winter: You don’t live here, Mulder I live here. I have my heart in this town. I have three children. I’m not going to dump poison on them.
Mulder: Yeah, well if it’s so safe then why was it done in secret?
Larry Winter: What kind of a crusade are you on?
Sheriff Spencer: Answer the question! Are we spraying?

Winter: There’s no proof whatsoever the spraying caused violent behavior. It was proven to me to be safe.
Mulder: By who? Who proved it to you?

ALL DONE. BYE BYE.

Bauvais: Our country was born of the blood of slaves. Freedom is our most sacred legacy.

Dunham: I couldn’t talk then. Not with Colonel Wharton so close. {see Chester} And not with him right there.
Mulder: Chester? He’s just a little boy.
Dunham: No sir, he is not.

General Wharton: Look, nobody ever said this was a hotel. But it’s far from a concentration camp.

X: Your investigation is faltering, Agent Mulder.
Mulder: We’ve got a renegade Marine who may be violating every human rights provision.
X: These people have no rights. In 24 hours, all access to Folkstone will be restricted to military personnel. No press, no third-party monitoring.
Mulder: What about Scully and me?
X: You’ll be called back to Washington on a priority matter.
Mulder: They’re making the camp invisible. But why?
X: In case you haven’t noticed, Agent Mulder, the Statue of Liberty is on vacation. The new mandate says if you are not a citizen, you better keep out.

Hepcat Helm: Who are the rubes?
Sheriff Hamilton: These are FBI agents.

Scully: What’s the Fiji mermaid?
Hepcat: The Fiji Mermaid… it’s, it’s the Fiji Mermaid.
Sheriff Hamilton: It’s a bit of humbug Barnum pulled in the last century.
Hepcat: Barnum billed it as a real live mermaid, but people went in to see it all they saw was a real dead monkey sewn on the tail of a fish.
Mulder: A monkey?
Hepcat: A mummified monkey.
Sheriff Hamilton: It supposdly looked so bad he had to exhibit it as a “geuine fake”.
Hepcat: Oh but see, that’s why Barnum was a genius. You never know where the truth ends and the humbug begins.

Mr. Nutt: You took one quick look at me, and decided that you could deduce my entire life. Never would it have occurred to you that a person of my height could have possibly obtained a degree in hotel management.
Mulder: I’m sorry. I meant no offense.
Mr. Nutt: Well then why should I take offense? Just because it’s human nature to make instaneous judgments of others based solely on their physical apperances? Why I have done the same thing to you, for example. I have taken in your All-American features, your dour demeanor, your unimaginative necktie design and concluded that you work for the government. An FBI agent. But do you see the tragedy here? I have mistakenly reduced you to a stereotype. A caricature. Instead of regarding you as a specific, unique individual.
Mulder: But I am an FBI agent.

Mulder: Why’d you give it up?
Lanny: Mr. Nutt—the kind-hearted manager here—convinced me that, to make a living by publicly displaying my deformity, lacked dignity. So now I carry other people’s luggage.

Scully: You must be one of those rare individuals whose nerve endings don’t register pain.
Dr. Blockhead: You just keep telling yourself that.

Scully: That doesn’t quite explain a potato.
Sheriff Hamilton: I got some warts on my hand.
Mulder: That doesn’t quite explain the potato.
Sheriff Hamilton: To get rid of warts you rub a slice of potato on your hand and bury it under a full moon. The investigation isn’t going too well, is it? {Mulder throws down the potato}

Dr. Blockhead: If people knew the true price of spirituality there’d be more atheists.

Dr. Blockhead: Twenty-first century genetic engineering will not only eradicate the siamese twins and the alligator skin people, but you’re going to be hard-pressed to find a slight overbite or a not-so-high cheekbone. You see, I’ve seen the future, and the future looks just like him. Imagine, going through your whole life looking like that.

Dr. Blockhead: Nature abhors normality. It can’t go long without creating a mutant.

The Conundrum: Probably something I ate.

Season Three

Clyde Bruckman (Peter Boyle): You know there are worse ways to go, but I can’t think of a more undignified way than autoerotic asphyxiation.
Mulder: Why are you telling me that?
Bruckman: Look, forget I mentioned it. It’s none of my business.

Faulkner: The proper authorities showed up with a couple of men in black. One of them was disguised as a woman, but wasn’t pulling it off. Like, her hair was red, but it was a little too red, you know? And the other one, the tall lanky one, his face was so blank and expressionless, he didn’t seem human. I think he was a mandroid. The only time he reacted was when he saw the dead alien. Mulder screams like a woman

Jose Chung: Alex Trebek? The game show host?
Scully: Mulder didn’t say that it was Alex Trebek. It was just someone that looked incredibly like him.
Jose Chung: Did he? I mean, you were there.
Scully: Well, not exactly. I don’t have any recollection of this. I was surprised to wake up the next morning to find Mulder asleep in my room.
Jose Chung: Oh!

Man In Black: No other object has been misidentified as a flying saucer more often than the planet Venus.

Jack Schaffer: I’m just the pilot. You ever flown a flying saucer? Afterwards, sex seems trite.

Season Four

Lydon: I’m working on next month’s Oscar nominations. Any preference?
Cigarette-Smoking Man: I couldn’t care less. What I don’t want to see is the Bills winning the Super Bowl. As long as I’m alive, that doesn’t happen.
Jones: That’ll be tough, sir. Buffalo wants it bad.
Cigarette-Smoking Man: So did the Soviets in ’80.
Jones: What are you saying? That you rigged the Olympic hockey game?
Cigarette-Smoking Man: What’s the matter? Don’t you believe in miracles?

Cigarette-Smoking Man: Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for.

Amanda: I didn’t say the baby’s father was an alien. I said he was from another planet. His name is Luke Skywalker and he’s what’s known as a Jedi Knight.
Scully: Did he have a light saber?
Amanda: No. He didn’t bring it.

Skinner: Which one of you wrote this?
“Mulder”: I did sir.
Skinner: You spelled Federal Bureau of Investigation wrong.
“Mulder”: It’s a typo.
Skinner: Twice.

Season Five

Detective John Munch (Richard Belzer): Fill me in. From the top. Start with your name and birthdate.
John Byers: John Fitzgerald Byers. November 22nd, 1963.
Detective John Munch: Seriously?
Byers: I was named after JFK. Before the assassination my parents were going to call me Bertram.
Det. Munch: Lucky you.

To the Lone Gunmen
Det. Munch: Here’s a tip: aluminum foil. It makes a lovely hat and it blocks out the government’s mind-control rays. It’ll keep you guys out of trouble.

Byers: You should call upon our service more often.
Langly: We show a talent for these G-man activities.
Mulder: You mean if I want somebody whacked on the knee with a lead pipe?
Frohike: Only if you want it done right.

Scully: Sir, unless you want your achievements to end up as a footnote on the Jerry Springer Show, I suggest you make the time.
Dr. Frances Pollidori interested: Jerry Springer Show?

Arthur Dales: Arthur Dales is my brother. My name also happens to be Arthur Dales. It’s the same name, different
guy. The other Arthur, he moved to Florida the lucky bastard. Now, our parents weren’t exactly big in the imagination department when it came to names. If it would help you wrapping your little head around this stupefying mystery, Agent Mulder, we had a sister named Arthur, too, and a goldfish.

Season Six

Scully: I’d kiss you if you weren’t so damn ugly.
Morris (as Mulder) yelling out the window: Take a picture. It’ll last longer.
Mulder (as Morris): If I … shoot him is that murder or suicide?
Scully: Neither, if I do it first.

Maurice: My speciality is in what I call “soul prospectors.” A cross-axial classification I’ve codified by extensive interaction with visitors like yourself. I’ve found you all tend to fall into pretty much the same category.
Mulder: And what category is that?
Maurice: Narcisstic, over-zealous, self-righteous egomaniac.
Mulder: Wow. That’s a category?
Maurice: You kindly think of yourself as “single-minded.” But you’re prone to obsessive-compulsiveness, workaholism, anti-socialism. Fertile fields for the descent into total wacko breakdown.

Maurice: You see what we’ve resorted to? Gimmicks and cheap tricks. We used to be so good at this
Lyda (Lily Tomlin): We used to have years to drive them mad. Now we have one night.
Maurice: This pop psychology approach is crap. All it does is annoy them. When’s the last time we actually haunted anyone?
Lyda: And when was the last time we had a good double murder? Not since the house was condemned.
Maurice: This is embarassing. Amateur kids stuff.
Lyda: Look, if we let our reputation slip they’re going to take us off the tourist literature. Last year no one even showed up.
Maurice: Of all days, why did you pick Christmas? Why not Halloween?
Lyda: Now who is filled with hopelessness and futility and Halloween? Christmas comes but once a year.

Lyda: Masher.
Mulder: Frump.

Pam: Right on schedule. Poor guy. Mulder turns and stares at her as he walks past. He never did that before.

Mulder: Have we met?
Pam: More times than I can count. Right here on this sidewalk. Usually you walk right by, pass a few minutes early or a few minutes later—little details, they change. But it always ends the same.

Pam: Don’t you see? We’re all in hell. I’m the only one who knows it.

Richard Langly: Why does Byers get to do the undercover?
Melvin Frohike: ‘Cause this ain’t Woodstock.

Frohike: We both know what happened to her. Most likely she’s dead.
Byers: No. She was a brilliant scientist. Too important to the government.
Frohike: Buddy. Either way, I know we’re both hoping she’s in a better place than Las Vegas.

Frohike: I don’t understand. Why would the government want to turn Scully into a bimbo?

Timothy Landau: You know the best thing about killing you three? I won’t have to dress like you anymore.

Skinner: It’s a rare day when the two of you sign off on the same report.

Season Seven

Dr. Barnes: I know what we’ve got. This craft that’s come ashore. Its extraterrestrial origins.
Scully: You don’t even believe in that.
Dr. Barnes: Nor do you. Yet here we are.

Cigarette Smoking Man: “When, in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes.” Oh, but your mommy will still love you. All a mother wants is to shield her boy from pain and danger. Safe in the world as he was once in the womb.

Cigarette Smoking Man: Life or death. Your account is squared. With me, with God, with the IRS, with the FBI. Rise out of your bed and come with me.
Mulder: I’m dying, you idiot. If I could get up I’d kick your ass.
Cigarette Smoking Man: Don’t be so dramatic.

Mulder: A man can’t just disappear.
Cigarette Smoking Man: I’ve made entire cultures disappear.

Mulder: It can’t be. You’re dead.
Deep Throat: No. No, just really relaxed.

Cigarette Smoking Man: Extraordinary men are always tempted by the simplest things. Dreams are all he has now.

Scully: Sir, we’ve been having a really difficult time gleaning any information whatsoever about the group. About its membership, its practices. I believe you can help us.
Frank Black (Lance Henriksen): No thank you. I’m retired.

Weems: Guys. I think we’re going up instead of down. Guys? This is not what I meant by cashing out! Hey! Hey! They throw him off the roof.

Mulder: Your building super, Henry Weems, he isn’t around?
Maggie: Mr. Dependable? Might as well wait for Jimmy Hoffa to show up.

Weems: Bunch of goomba jerks. They’ve got issues, man.

Billy LaBonge: It’s worse than I thought. He releases doves from under a hat. You gotta feed those things, you know.

No one shoots at Santa Claus

Mulder: There’s a material connection between these two women.
Skinner: The only connection, Agent Mulder, is you. I’ve got people busting their butts on this thing, Agent Mulder. Putting together hard evidence—real evidence. While you’re out gathering Grimm’s Fairy Tales from convicted murderers.
Mulder: It doesn’t make sense. It’s incomprehensible in any kind of a real world way.
Skinner: I deal in the real world, Agent Mulder. You begged on to this case as part of the solution. All you’ve done is hand our only suspects the Twinkie Defense.

Kathy Lee Tencate: Where’s your sister now?
Mulder: I don’t know.
Kathy Lee Tencate: Your mother knew, didn’t she?
Mulder: Why do you ask that?
Kathy Lee Tencate: She was trying to tell you.
Mulder: Tell me what?
Kathy Lee Tencate: She’d seen them.
Mulder: Who?
Kathy Lee Tencate: The walk-ins. Old souls looking for new homes. Your sister’s among them.

Harold Pillar: It’s your mother. She’s here in the room with us. She’s trying to speak to you.
Mulder: What does she say?
Harold Pillar: She wants to tell you about your sister. Where she is.
Mulder: What does she say? Harold?
Harold Pillar: I don’t know. I— She’s gone.

Mulder (Garry Shandling): I break the Lazarus Bowl, and all your sniper zombies go back to being good little well-behaved corpses.
Cigarette Smoking Pontiff (Tony Amendola): You don’t fool me, Mulder. That bowl is your Holy Grail. Encoded in its ancient ceramic grooves are the words Jesus spake when he raised Lazarus from the dead. Still capable of raising the dead two thousand years later. Proof positive that of the paranormal. You could no sooner destroy that than let the redhead die.

Scully (Tea Leoni): Is that your flashlight, Mulder? Or are you just happy to be alive and on top of me.

Wayne Federman taking notes: She: Jodi Foster’s foster child on a Payless budget. He’s kind of a Jehovah’s Witness meets Harrison Ford’s Witness.

Scully: A screenwriter?
Federman: It’s actually writer-slash-producer.
Mulder: It’s actually just a hinderance-slash-pain in the neck.
Federman: Yo yo yo, Agent Mulder, I don’t want to eat your lunch. I’m just here for some procedural flavor. Just a taste.
Mulder: I have no idea what you just said.

Federman: How about the Shroud of Turin?
Cardinal O’Fallon (Harris Yulin): No, I’m afraid not. But we do have the bathrobe of Saint Peter.
Federman: You’re kidding!
Cardinal O’Fallon: Yes, I am.
Federman: That’s a good line.
Cardinal O’Fallon: Thank you.

Federman: In the 70s didn’t he go real low-profile?
Mulder: Yeah, right after Altamont he was never really heard from again.
Federman: The Stones get blamed for everything. I don’t get it.

Federman: I think the real question, agents, is what might O’Fallon being doing with Hoffman’s forgeries. You don’t need a Weatherman to know which way the wind blows…. Don’t shoot.

Federman: I like the way you guys work. No warrants, no permission, no research. You’re like studio executives with guns.

Mulder: You know, sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction.
Federman: Well fiction is quicker than truth. And cheaper.

Dr. Chuck Burks (Bill Dow): All this yellow is ambient sound that we habitually tune out. It’s the hum of my hardware, Mulder’s porn tapes on pause, the sound from the street. Everything we hear but we don’t know we hear.

Scully: Who are you?
Micah Hoffman: I am Who I am.

Zombie: What is Tea Leoni’s shoulder made out of?
Director: Um, craft services, what is Tea Leoni’s shoulder made out of?
Craft Services: Turkey, just like you asked for.
Director: Turkey. Ms. Leoni’s shoulder is made of tur—
Zombie: Tofurkey! I asked for tofurkey!

Jenn: You could always give that guy his mouth back.
Anson Gilmore: Hey, all I said was I wished Jay would shut the hell up. If you feel bad, about what you did to him, fix it on your own dime.
Anson Gilmore: It doesn’t work like that.
Jenn: Whatever.

Anson Gilmore: I got it. I got it. Are you ready? ‘Cause I am absolutely ready. Here goes. I wish I can turn invisible at will.
Jenn: You’re kidding.

Anson Stokes (Kevin Weisman): I can’t feel my arm… I can’t feel my blood. I am yellow! … I’m cold.

Jenn: You wanna make your third wish, champ? I’d like to get out of here before the blowflies hatch.

Scully: I think she’s free to go.
Jenn: No I’m not. He unrolled me.
Mulder: I get three wishes?

Mulder: You know, I think I’m beginning to see the problem here. You say that most people make the wrong wishes, right?
Jenn: Without fail. It’s like giving a chimpanzee a revolver.

Season Eight

 

Season Nine

Morris: You guys are the Lone Gunmen aren’t you? You guys are my heroes. I mean look at the crap you print.
Byers: We uncover the truth.
Morris: The truth? That’s what’s so great about you monkeys. Not only do you believe the horse pucky we create, you broadcast it as well. I mean look at this!