Torchwood Series 2



James Marsters

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Tosh: Not a species we’ve encountered before.
Owen: Well let’s hope they’re friendly then.

Jack: You know these creatures are very quiet.
Owen: Maybe they’re sleeping.
Ianto: Or hatching.
Tosh: Or maybe they aren’t creatures at all.
Jack: They’re explosive devices.
Owen: Snap.

1,392 Deaths Earlier:

Jack: Ladies! Torso of steel, shillin’ a feel! Any takers? Bar fight. Got a little out of control. Flesh wound. Oh, still not used to… these hangovers. Captain Jack Harkness. How long have you been there? No response. The silent type. Okay. I used to date a guy with no mouth. Surprisingly creative. They assault him. Listen, you only had to ask. Wanna get a room now?

Jack: What I said about getting a room I meant somewhere with linen! Time was, electrodes to the nipples meant the start of a good night.
Blonde: Full power charge and still breathing.
Jack: Pretty advanced piece of equipment you’ve got there. You ladies are ahead of yourselves. Now where the hell am I? She aims a gun at him. Put that down before someone gets— She shoots.
Brunette: Why aren’t you dead yet?
Jack: Been trying to figure that out myself.
Blonde: We’ve been monitoring you. You’ve been killed 14 times in the last six months.
Jack: Feels like more than that.
Blonde: Who’s the Doctor?
Jack: No idea.
Brun: Hm. “The Doctor. He’ll be able to fix me.” “When the Doctor, it’ll all be put right.” “You wait ’til I see the Doctor. First I’m going to kiss him, then I’m going to kill him.”

Jack: You know, no one likes a smart ass.

Bl: You’re in Torchwood: Cardiff. The Torchwood Institute was created to combat the threat posed by the Doctor and other phantasmagoria.
Jack laughing: He’s not a threat. The Doctor’s the one who will save you from your phantasma-whojits.
Bl: Just tell us his location.
Jack: I don’t know! He left me behind. I came here to find him. He refuels from that rift you have. I’m hoping that if I stay here long enough we’ll find each other.

Card Reader: He’s coming—the one you’re looking for. But the century will turn to ice. Before you find each other.
Jack: Oo! Are you for real? This sinks in. You mean I have to wait a hundred years to find him? What do I do in the meantime?

NYE 1999

Jack: Hey, when you joked about the MIllenium Bug I didn’t realize it was going to have 18 legs stocked with poison. Anyone home? Hey! You know you’re supposed to party like it—

Alex: 21st Century, Jack. Everything’s going to change. And we’re not ready.

Rhys: He was dead! I checked his pulse! He was dead!

Five Years Earlier:

Tosh: I want to see my mother. I want to know she’s safe. Now.
Woman: Show me the piece. Oh it’s beautiful. Perfect sonic modulator. Toshiko, you’ve done so well.

Tosh: You’ve got what you want. Now let her go.
Woman: Except now you’re the victim of your own success. Perfectly situated. Proven ability. You can give us so much more.
Tosh: And what if I refuse?
Woman: Then your mother stays with us. And your brilliance is used against her.

Intercom: This is a UNIT facility. Your rights as a citizen have been withdrawn. You will be held here indefinitely. We are not required to provide you with legal representation. Anything you say will be recorded. You will be allowed no communication with any person or organization outside this facility. There is no right of appeal. If you fail to comply with the rules we are authorized to discipline you.
Tosh: Is my mother safe?
Intercom: We can not provide you with that information.

Tosh: Who are you?
Jack: Nobody. I don’t exist. And for a man of my charisma that’s quite an achievement.

Jack: You made this, right?
Tosh: I just followed the plans.
Jack: The plans don’t work.
Tosh: What?
Jack: The technical plans you followed, they were wrong. They had mistakes in them. That’s why the plans were shelved. But you, Toshiko Sato, you automatically fixed things as you went along. What I’m trying to say is, “Aw, baby! You’re good.”

21 months earlier:

Ianto: Thanks.
Jack: No, thank you. And you are?
Ianto: Jones. Ianto Jones.
Jack: Nice to meet you, Jones Ianto Jones.

Jack: Thanks for your assistance,
Ianto: Anytime. By the way, love the coat.

Ianto: I saw what they did at Canary Wharf. What am I supposed to do with those memories?
Jack: You are not my responsibility. And we’re not hiring.
Ianto: Same time tomorrow then.
Jack: There’s no job for you here. And there never will be.

Ianto: I really like that coat!

Jack: Go back to London, find yourself another life. Keep stalking me, I’ll wipe your memory.
Ianto: No, but the thing is—
Jack: Look, any conversation between us, no matter what the subject, is over. Finished. Done. Forever. I’m getting back behind the wheel of that car. If you’re still standing in the road, I’m gonna drive through you.
Ianto: So you’re not going to help me catch this pterodactyl then?

Ianto: Okay, that is the only special equipment you’ve got.
Jack: Yeah, because I keep dinosaur nets in the back of the SUV.
Ianto: Well Torchwood London would have.

Jack: How’d you find it?
Ianto: Rift Activity Locator.
Jack: Torchwood London.
Ianto: See? Quality kit.
Jack: Yeah, it’s quite excitable.
Ianto: Must be your aftershave.
Jack: Never wear any.
Ianto: You smell like that naturally?
Jack: Fifty-first century pheromones. You people have no idea.

Jack: Come back with me. I’ve got somewhere nice and big where you can fly around.
Ianto: Okay, so you let a pterodactyl in and not me?
Jack: We need a guard dog.
Ianto: I can be that. And a receptionist.

Jack: Hey. Report for work first thing tomorrow. I like the suit, by the way.

Four years earlier:

Owen about Katie: I am losing her and I don’t know what to do about that. So please.

Jack: I’m sorry.
Owen: Who the hell are you?
Jack: I tried to tell them we should prepare for the worst.
Owen: You can’t go in there.

Jack: You’re fine. It’s the rest of the world that’s delusional.

John: Oh! Deja vu! Or did I say that already? Hey team. Of course there might be a few less of you by now. Don’t know if you liked my little gift. ‘Course you can’t die. And with all that life, all that time, you can’t spare any for me. Oh! Say hi to the family.
Jack: No. It can’t be.
John: Been awhile since you’ve seen your brother. Eh Jack?
Jack: Grey?
John: Okay, here’s what’s going to happen: Everything you love, everything you treasure. Will die. I’m gonna tear your world apart, Captain Jack Harkness, piece by piece. Starting now. Maybe now you’ll want to spend some time with me.