The Girlfriend

Sandy: Are we worried your dad won’t love us if we don’t feed him enough?
Kirsten: Alright, starting now, no more digs at my dad.
Sandy: Oh honey, that wasn’t a dig. Seth?
Seth: No. When you called him a heartless bastard, that was a dig.
Sandy: You sold me out.
See they’re like puppets and I’m the puppet master.
Ryan: World domination to follow.

Kirsten: Maybe you guys can make peace this weekend.
Sandy: Okay. Oh no, wait. We can’t. I’m still Jewish. Kirsten gives him a look. Just gettin’ it out of my system, I promise.
Kirsten: I wonder what his new girlfriend’s like.
Sandy: I am sure she is very well paid. Kirsten gives him a look. I am on fire.

Caleb Nichol (Alan Dale): You’re still not a football player.
Seth: Ah. Yes. No. But thank you. Ah, Grandpa. Meet my friend Ryan.
Caleb Nichol: This is the kid that burned down my house.

Gabrielle (Nichole Hiltz): Fifth grade? Okay, she needs to change it up. She’s known that guy since he’s been eating paste.
Seth: I think he still does.

Gabrielle: You must think it’s weird, me with an older guy.
Ryan: I live in a pool house.

Caleb: Honey, you don’t need my approval. After all, you adopted the boy without consulting me.
Kirsten: I would have called you about Ryan, Dad. But there wasn’t enough time.
Caleb: I get it. I’m pushing you too hard. Things are slipping through the cracks. Which is why I’ve decided to scale back your responsibilities.
Kirsten: You’re demoting me?
Caleb: I wanna get a bit more involved. Give you a chance to spend a bit more time with your new family, your new son.

Jimmy: What do you— What do you want from me?
Julie: I think
I want a divorce. I’m sorry, honey. I just don’t see any other way.

Kirsten: I just don’t understand. I’ve worked so hard for him. I’ve killed myself for him.
Sandy: The man is a bottomless pit of need. You think you can fill it? You can’t. You’re amazing. If he can’t appreciate you, screw him. Quit.

Sandy: We could find out who’s living in our old house in Berkeley. We could buy it back. You loved that house. Seth loved that house.
Kirsten: That house had bad plumbing and termites.
Sandy: It was a fixer-upper that we never got to fix up.

Seth: It’s fate, it’s destiny. Look, we both like burritos.
Ryan: Wanna eat somewhere else?
Seth oblivious: Who’s winning right now, me or my hair?

Seth: Ryan, you’ve been playing the pirate game? That’s a little bit minty.

Seth: I would like some answers.
Ryan: Yeah, okay. We hooked up.
Seth: What?
Ryan: Isn’t that what you were asking with the whole “exhibit A”?
Seth: I noticed some heavy flirting, yes. You hooked up with my grandma? Actually that’s kinda hot.

Seth about Luke’s new attitude: Okay, he got shot in the arm. Not the head.

Sandy: I wish I could tell you I’m sorry. But I’m not.
Kirsten: Okay, worst apology ever.

Seth: Do you have any idea how pathetic it is to sit there and listen to you babble about mergers and acquisitions while some guy just stares at your boobs?
Summer: Which guy was staring at my boobs?
Seth: Who cares. See, the point is that guy doesn’t know you. He doesn’t care about who you really are. In fact, he has no idea that every day of third grade, you shared your lunch with that little skinny squirrel who kept getting his nuts stolen by that fat squirrel.
Summer: I hated that mean squirrel.

Caleb: You’re all I got, Kiki. And then I’m running you so ragged you haven’t got time to talk to me anymore.
Kirsten: That’s not true and you know it. I love working for you. I just want you to be proud of me.
Caleb: Taking in a stray kid. That’s the sorta thing your mom would’ve done.
Kirsten: Yeah, except she would’ve done it just to piss you off.
Caleb: Don’t be late Monday.