Season 4

The Avengers

Seth: A table set for four actually feels kind of weird.
Sandy: Well things have been a little weird around here lately. Tonight might not be any different. We shouldn’t be expecting any miracles.
Seth: No zippy one-liners.
Kirsten: Not a lot of smiles.
Sandy: Few grunts. Occasional shrug.
Seth: Yeah, it’ll be just like old times.
Sandy: And I’m looking forward to it.

Sandy: Ryan, it’s Sandy again. The microwave still works if you feel like dropping by. And even if you don’t, please call, huh? Let us know you’re okay.
Kirsten: Should we call the police? Hospitals?
Seth: No, mom, He’s fine. Well he’s not, you know, fine, but he’s not coming.
Kirsten: Well even if he didn’t want to come, Ryan would have called. Ryan always calls.

Sandy to Ryan about the slideshow: You don’t have to talk. You don’t even have to listen.
Kirsten: All you have to do is watch.

Sandy: Thanks for taking the time. Letting us make fools of ourselves. Meant a lot to Seth. And to Kirsten. Not so much to me. I’m no softie.
Ryan: No.
Sandy: You should probably get goin’. You’re late.
Ryan: Hope they don’t fire me.
Sandy: I bet they got great benefits, huh. Good dental. The accommodations…
Ryan: Yeah… uh… actually, about that, I… if I, you know, ever wanted to, you know, once in awhile, the pool house is probably filled with boxes, right?
Sandy: It’s exactly the way you left it. Little too empty, if you ask me.
Ryan: It wouldn’t take me too long to pack.
Sandy: Kirsten’s got some leftovers from last night.
Ryan: Thanks. Thank you.
Sandy: You know at the risk of saying too much, being there with her when it happened… You’re never going to get over it, but you’ll get used to it. Just let yourself feel what you need to feel, even if it hurts.
Ryan: One step at a time, okay?
Sandy: Okay. I’m going to shut up now.

The Gringos

Sandy: Hm.
Kirsten: That’s exactly what I said.
Sandy: And there was nothing else?
Kirsten: Nothing.
Sandy: Angry. Nudfo. Chocolate Love. Nude-fo? Nudfo? Is that a word?
Kirsten: Not that I know of.
Sandy: When did you find this?
Kirsten: Just now. When I went to see if the boys had anything to give for the clothing drive.
Sandy: You try calling them?
Kirsten: No answer.
Sandy: You know what I think this is?
Kirsten: A coded message.
Sandy: Nothing. It’s probably the name of a band. Seth wrote it on a paper and put it in his pocket. Relax, sweetheart. phone rings Hello.
Seth: Dad, it’s me. Did you get my note? I had to write it in code in case Ryan found it.
Sandy: Right. The note.

Sandy: Where are you?
Seth: Don’t freak out.
Kirsten: Please say Newport.
Seth: We’re in Mexico.
Kirsten: He didn’t say Newport, did he?

Sandy: We’re doing the right thing to trust them.
Kirsten: I know.
Sandy: They’re adults. We couldn’t have stopped them if we tried.
Kirsten: I know.
Sandy: I’m going to Mexico.
Kirsten: I’m going with you.

Kirsten: Are we crazy coming here?
Sandy: Driving all night to a foreign country where neither of us speak the language and we only have a vague notion of where they are? Yeah. It’s a little crazy.
Kirsten: How much longer do we keep doing this—rescuing them every time they’re in trouble?
Sandy: I don’t know. But for now, I think that’s our job.

Ryan: Seth set me up.
Kirsten: He called. He was worried.
Sandy: C’mon, let’s go home.
Ryan: Why? So we can pretend like everything’s the way it used to be?
Sandy: We all miss her. It’s never going to be like the way that it used to be. But we are still a family.
Ryan: You don’t understand—he’s here.
Seth walking in: No. He’s gone.

Sandy about Seth’s tattoo: You know it does have a certain—
Seth: Gay vibe. Were you gonna say gay vibe?
Sandy: Exactly. Let’s see what Summer has to say.

Sandy: I thought you might want to know that Ryan and Seth and back home. And Volchok’s disappeared.
Julie: What are you talking about?
Sandy: Stop it. You told Ryan where to find Volchok. Even for you, this is a new low.
Julie: Okay, you know what? You’re crazy. I’m just going to say goodnight.
Sandy: You sent Ryan down there to commit a murder. I could have you arrested.
Julie: But then you’d get Ryan arrested. And you’re not going to do that, are you?
Sandy: If anything happened to him. Or to Seth.
Julie: Okay, it’s late. And I’m not in the mood for threats.
Sandy: Sit down. After everything our family’s have been through, you would put our kids in danger?
Julie: At least you still have all your kids.

The Cold Turkey

Sandy comforting Kirsten: It’s Thanksgiving. You just watch, this family’s going to come together for the holidays. It’s what we Cohens do.

Volchok: Thanks for coming. To be honest with you, I didn’t know where else to go. I hitched a ride into town. Slept on the beach last night—
Sandy: I’m not your friend. I’m your lawyer. And I’ll help you get through this. But the less you talk, the better. Alright?

Volchok: I really appreciate this.
Sandy: Well the sooner you’re off the street the sooner Ryan can start his life again.
Volchok: I just want it all to be over.
Sandy: Oh me too. You have no idea.

Sandy: Summer! How’re you doing?
Summer: Better than the 2.8 billion people living below the poverty level. Are you okay with that statistic, Mr. Cohen? I don’t think so. That’s why I have to go.
Sandy: Who knew out of all you kids she’d turn out to be the young Sandy Cohen.
Seth: Had to rub off on someone.

Sandy: Julie.
Julie: I thought you weren’t speaking to me.
Sandy: I’m not calling to make peace. I’m looking for Ryan.
Julie: Ryan? You told me to stay away from him, remember?
Sandy: Oh c’mon. He called you as soon as he found out I had Volchok in custody.
Julie stunned: Volchok is in custody?
Sandy: So you really didn’t know, huh?
Julie: No, no I didn’t.
Sandy: He turned himself in this morning. I already spoke to the DA, it should be a done deal by tonight.
Julie: So it’s really over.
Sandy: I sure as hell hope so. Julie hangs up the phone. Julie? Julie?

Sandy: He’s in there. Otis said he’d need some time to file the charges so I put him up here. Room 102.
Ryan: If this is some kind of dare I’m going to take it.
Sandy: I trust you.

Sandy: I’m proud of you.
Ryan: Sorry.
Sandy: You hungry?
Ryan: Starving.

Sandy: Hey! Didn’t I defend you a couple years ago for a B&E?
Daryl: Yeah. Now I remember. I called you Crazy Eyebrow Man.
Sandy: Well. I’ll take that as a compliment.

Julie: Hi.
Sandy: Julie, whatever it is, it’ll have to wait. We’re having Thanksgiving.
Julie: I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.
Sandy: I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that before.
Julie: I don’t think I’ve ever meant it.
Sandy: Well. Come on in.

The Metamorphosis

Ryan: I’m gonna walk back. I’m sweaty.
Sandy: Yeah, I wasn’t offering you a ride.

Sandy: You know, Jimmy left, Caleb died, then Jimmy left again. Even Neil’s gone. Look, I wasn’t a pennant winner but at least I had a bullpen, you know. Baseball talk.
Kirsten: Got it.

Sandy’s cell phone goes off as Spitz is taking a swing
Sandy: I’m so sorry, man. I’m so sorry. It’s the office. I’m turning it off.
Jason: I think I hit your car anyway.

Sandy: Hey honey.
Kirsten: How’s it going?
Sandy: Great. Spitz just told me a story about how his kids walked in on him and his wife when they were playing Strip Scrabble.

The Sleeping Beauty

Sandy: I’m playing golf tomorrow with Gordon Bullitt.
Kirsten: The oil tycoon? Didn’t he go to jail for tax evasion?
Sandy: Yeah. But he’s out now. I had dinner with him last month. He’s really not a bad guy for being—
Kirsten: a total pig.

Gordon Bullitt (Gordon Grubs): Cigar?
Sandy: No. Thanks.
Bullitt: They’re Cuban. Commie bastards do one thing right.

Sandy: Hey, how’d it go with The Bullitt?
Kirsten: Well, as it turns out Julie was dating his 25 year-old son.
Sandy: Oo. That’s a weird coincidence.
Kirsten: That about sums it up.

The Summer Bummer

Sandy: So Kirsten told me she came in yesterday and applied for the job of substitute Seth.
Ryan: Yeah, she may have.
Sandy: Well you know, if anyone’s qualified I think we all know it’s me and I’m thinking the only reason you didn’t ask me is because no interview is necessary.

Sandy: Listen, if there’s anything else I can do for you I’m gonna be in my room reading comics and listening to indie rock.
Ryan: Alright, okay. That was a good Seth.

Bullitt: I know the Jews are good with numbers and lending stuff—
Sandy: Now there’s a generalization that’s not even remotely offensive.

The Chrismukk-huh?

Sandy: Kirsten.
Summer: What happened?
Kirsten: Taylor and Ryan, they were hanging decorations and I guess the ladder fell.
Seth: What did the doctor say?
Kirsten: Well, they said apparently there’s no serious injury. We just have to wait for them wake up.

Alt-Sandy: A philanthropist means you help people.
Alt-Julie: Oh! Well you learn something everyday.

Sandy: An alternate universe?
Seth: It’s the only obvious explanation.
Sandy: “Obvious” might not be the word I would use.
Seth: They both got knocked out at the same time and neither is waking up.
Sandy: Like Dorothy in Oz.
Seth: And just like Dorothy had to go see the Wizard, they’ve got some mission to accomplish before they can return.
Sandy: Like what?
Seth: Ah, anything. Could be like our world, only messed up. They’ve got to reset the balance. Or could be a world ruled by giant vegetables and they’ve got to topple the vegetable despot before they can come back.
Sandy: You had me ’til vegetable despot.
Seth: It makes perfect sense.

Alt-Sandy: So? Are you gonna explain yourself?
Ryan: The truth is things the way they are now are completely wrong.
Alt-Summer: Who’s this random guy we’re all listening to and why am I not drunk yet?
Ryan: Okay, look, none of you know me. But the truth is that each of you saved my life just by being who you are. And right now none of you are who you are. Like Summer, for example. What are you doing? I mean Che, Chester? He’s completely wrong for you. You should be with Seth. Kirsten. You don’t want to run the Newport Group. That place makes you miserable. And you may like your Chardonnay, but I got news for: it doesn’t like you back. And Sandy, you don’t want to be mayor. You’re all about saving the little guy, not holing up in some mansion giving orders. What you two are best at is being married to each other.

Jailer: Atwood. There’s someone here to bail you out.
Ryan: Thanks.
Alt-Sandy: I don’t know who you are, but a lot of what you said back at the house made sense. So why do you care so much about getting a bunch of strangers back together?
Ryan: Well, I guess I thought it would get me back home too but I was wrong. Can I ask what happened? How’d your family fall apart?
Alt-Sandy: You know I think it all goes back to when Marissa Cooper died three years ago. She was Jimmy and Julie Cooper’s daughter.
Ryan: I knew Marissa.
Alt-Sandy: Well when she died, it was like everybody got stuck.
Ryan: Didn’t know how to say goodbye.
Alt-Sandy: Maybe you’re right. What are you doing for dinner? How ’bout you come over to the house?
Ryan: There’s some place I’ve gotta go. Thanks.
Alt-Sandy: You’re welcome.

The Earth Girls Are Easy

Sandy: Ryan’s putting together a cooler for Vegas. I’m the sandwich guy.
Seth: Cohens are natural sandwich artists.
Sandy: It’s like our very own super power.
Seth: Yeah, I don’t know if it qualifies us for the Justice League though.

Kirsten: All set?
Sandy: What?
Kirsten: You still thinking about Frank?
Sandy: I can’t shake the feeling that I know him.
Kirsten: Well I wish you did. I’d love to know who Julie has going through our books.
Sandy: She never said anything? Nothing about where Bullitt found him?
Knowing Bullitt it could be anywhere. The golf course, Saudi Arabia, prison.

The My Two Dads

Sandy: So you’re Ryan’s father?
Frank Atwood (Kevin Sorbo): That’s funny. I was just going to say the same thing to you.

Ryan: No shrimp tacos today. We got fish. You like tilapia?
Sandy: I love tilapia.

Ryan: You talked to him today?
Sandy: We met, yeah.
Ryan: I always knew one day he’d be out.
Sandy: He’s out.
Ryan: Yeah. Weird. And I know I’m supposed to have a lot of questions but… it’s like my dad’s from another life, it’s so far in the past.
Sandy: If that’s how you want to keep it, it’s fine with me.
Ryan: No speech about the importance of family?
Sandy: You’re my family. What’s important to me is you.
Ryan: I don’t want to see him. Maybe later, not now.
Sandy: Then that’s what I’ll tell him.

Kirsten: I appreciate you being cautious, but this seems personal.
Sandy: It is personal. Ryan is our son. Because Frank turned his back on his family. He has hurt Ryan before. I’m not going to let him do it again.

Kirsten: Sandy, what on earth?
Sandy: Well the good news is Frank Atwood is going to outlive us all. The bad news: my hand is killing me.
Taylor: I’ll get some ice.

Seth: What are we watching?
Sandy: Well, it’s about meerkats.
Seth: Meerkats. Why are we watching it?
Kirsten: Because I wanted to.
Sandy: And we don’t want to get your mother angry. You haven’t seen her right-cross.
Ryan: Yeah. Your dad’s is pretty good though.
Seth: Well that makes sense. He was in a gang.
Kirsten: Don’t remind me.
Seth: The Jets, is what I’ve heard.
Sandy: We robbed from the poor and gave to the poor.
Seth: How many people would you say you stabbed?

The French Connection

.

The Dream Lover

Sandy: So you didn’t quite hit it out of the park?
Ryan: I may have done more harm than good.

Kirsten: I’m having dinner with Julie.
Sandy: Julie?
Kirsten: Yeah. She is the most manipulative, scheming partner in the world. And it was stupid ever to get into business with her and I will never make that mistake again.
Sandy: But she’s the best friend you got.
Kirsten: Something like that.

The Groundhog Day

Ryan about Kirsten: You don’t think she knows about the party?
Sandy: What? No. Are you kidding me. No one plans a surprise party like Sandy Cohen. I could have been with the CIA.
Seth: I hear they’re known for their birthday parties.

Kirsten: I want you seated for this.
Sandy: Is everything okay?
Kirsten: I went to see the doctor.
Sandy: Are you sick?
Kirsten: Yes. But only in the mornings.
Sandy: What?
Kirsten: I’m pregnant.
Sandy: Wait. One more time.
Kirsten: Sandy, we’re having a baby.

The Case of the Franks

Kirsten: I hate keeping secrets from you.
Sandy: I didn’t know you were.
Kirsten: There’s one thing. Something that I never told you.
Sandy: Is this about Jimmy Cooper?
Kirsten: Can we get the check and talk about this at home?

The Shake-up

Kirsten: The people in Newport are awful.
Sandy: You’re a little late to the party. I’ve been saying that for twenty years.
Kirsten: Has it gotten worse? I mean I know Julie and some of the others are bad, but…
Sandy: What happened?
Kirsten: I was at this pre-natal yoga class, and these young women, they’re monsters. They wanted me to join the Six-Pack Pack—
Sandy: The what?
Kirsten: And then they talk about inducing labor at eight months so they don’t have to gain weight. Can we raise another child around this?

Sandy: You think they’ll let me join the Six-Pack Pack? I’ve been doing my sit-ups.

Sandy: How far did you go?
Ryan: Mm. Nine, ten miles.
Sandy: Oh. It would have just been easier if you’d said, “Sandy, there’s something bothering me. Could you give me some advice?”.
Ryan: Yes it would, but where’s the fun in that?

The Night Moves

Sandy: The good news is we’ve got everything we need here. We’ve got shelter, we’ve got food, we’ve got water. We’ve got fine literature, chips and salsa.

Kirsten: This is like Berkeley 1989.
Sandy: You say that so warmly.
Kirsten: Not that I’m fond of natural disasters, but there is nothing sexier than your husband calming an angry mob.
Sandy: Are you okay?
Kirsten: I know I’ve been complaining about Newport a lot but it breaks my heart to see it that way.

Sandy: Excuse me, doctor. My wife would never complain. She would never put her needs in front of anybody else’s, but I am not that proud. I am not that selfless. I am begging you please please to give her and our baby priority.
Doctor: I’d like to help really, but—
Richard White: You can have my spot.
Overhead Page: Richard White.
Richard: That’s me. Go.
Sandy: Thank you.

The End’s Not Near, It’s Here

Six months later…

Ryan: We’ve all had to make adjustments since the earthquake.
Kirsten: Especially Kaitlin. [With] the entire Cohen family taking refuge here.
Kaitlin: It’s been nice. I mean, I’ve perfected my Sandy Cohen. Listen to this: “I shmeared it for ya.”
Sandy: Well, you know… not bad. I am very sexy.
Julie walking in: Baby, stop mimicking Sandy.
Sandy: Julie! Crepe? I am too nauseous to eat. Morning sickness? Or wedding jitters. Who can tell.
Kaitlin: Well your fiancé is certainly excited about the nuptials.
Julie: Yeah, he’s become a broken record. He keeps saying—
Bullitt: Bang!

Sandy: I know you don’t like to leave your lair, but the inspector’s coming to the house today. I think everybody should be there.
Seth: This chair is my home now.

Ryan: Nice view. Infinity pool.
Sandy: Yeah, but no pool house.
Ryan: Yes. Well, six bedrooms. I think there’s room for everyone.

Sandy: Is there any chance we could see the kitchen? Just to see if the Seth Cohen growth chart is still notched in the wall?
Patrick: It isn’t. We thought it was termites.

Todd: Okay, this isn’t the bathroom.
Kirsten: I’m sorry. I didn’t make it. My water broke.
Sandy: Seth! Call an ambulance!
Kirsten: No time for an ambulance.
Patrick: Okay, this is so random, but I’m actually a midwife.
Kirsten: Good. ‘Cause this baby’s coming now.

Sandy: Sophie Rose Cohen. It’s got a nice ring to it.

Seth: If I look as good as you in 20 years I’ll be a happy man.
Sandy to Seth: Well thanks, but I’d like to see you happy now. For the last couple of months you’ve landed in a rut. At least a La-Z-Boy.

Seth: I’m not so sure that being with Summer is bringing out the best in either one of us right now. But I’m afraid to let her go, so…
Sandy: Well, things have a way of coming back around.