Season 2

The Distance

Caleb: Do you hear a clicking on the phone? Every time I try to dial out I swear I hear a clicking.
Julie: Okay, Nixon. Paranoid, much? What’s going on with you, Cal? You’re either hopped up on blow or something’s seriously wrong.

Theresa: The only reason you stayed was because of this baby. And now there’s no baby.
Ryan: You don’t want me to come home.
Theresa: You don’t want to come home.

Theresa’s mom: Did you tell him? Theresa nods Did he believe you?
Theresa: Yeah, I think so.

The Way We Were

Sandy: Since when is Scotch part of a nutritious brunch?
Caleb: Since the DA’s office finally decided they had enough to indict me.

Zach: Hey, I’m here for the comic book club.
Seth: You are?
Ryan: You are?
Zach: Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?
Seth: Um… because you’re on the water polo team?
Zach: What’s that supposed to mean?

Caleb: I’m going to bed. The pleasure is all yours, Sanford. Enjoy.

About the Sandy Cohen lox scrambled with Rye toast
Caleb: No, I’m not dragging Sandy into anything. Before he put these eggs in front of me he was the closest thing I had to a friend in this town.

The New Kid on the Block

Lindsay: Excuse me. I’m new. Is it okay to park here?
Bitchy Chick: Sure. If you’re not too embarassed.

Lindsay: I’m just gonna go wring out my shirt, and stuff toilet paper up my nose, and I’m sure I’ll have no trouble fitting in now.

Ryan: I promise I’ll keep my hands to myself.
Lindsay: It’s your elbow I’m worried about.

Caleb: When I have champagne I get giggly.
Sandy: When do you ever get giggly?

The New Era

Caleb: Are you a frittata man?
Sandy: I’m fine.

DJ: So, what, are we friends now?
Marissa: Judging by this conversation, probably not.

Jimmy to Julie: I never heard you admit to having faults before. This is fun.

Caleb: Well played, Magnum PI.

Alex: So, do you like live music?
Ryan: Eh, not really.
Alex: It’s my passion.

Seth to Summer: Can I talk to you for like, one minute? Zach, I’m really sorry.
Zach: Okay, I’m gonna go jump off the pier.

The SnO.C.

DJ: You don’t want to be distracted by… I don’t know, finally introducing me to your friends.

Zach: I get it. You’re one of those couples. Joannie and Chachi, Luke and Leia.
Seth: Luke and Leia were brother and sister.
Zach: Yeah, well, may the force be with you.

Alex: Why aren’t you at the SnOC Winter Wank-off?

Zach: I’m sensing a low level of sarcasm here.

The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn’t

Sandy: Facing Kirsten and Julie has got to be better than going to jail.
Caleb: Kirsten maybe. Not Julie.

Lindsay: Every kid grows up… stops believing in Santa… I stopped believing in my dad.

The Family Ties

Lindsey: You’re giving me the pinkie?
Ryan: I’m… not really into public displays of affection.

Alex: Ryan, you have to take Seth home right now. He is, like, wasted, and leaving a path of destruction in his wake.

Ryan: Maybe we should just keep it to ourselves for now.
Lindsey: At least until we find out if we’re breaking any laws.

The Ex-Factor

Zach: Have you seen the infomercials for Girls Gone Wild? Because this is exactly how it starts.

The Accomplice

Zach: You should just focus on the good stuff in your life. Like school. Seth grimaces. Or… comics. Yeah, I got nothing.

Marissa: What are you doing here?
Caleb: You’re not at school.
Marissa: Yeah, well you’re not at work.

Alex on the phone with Marissa: Are you calling me from outside my door? Because that would be… sees Seth creepy.

Alex: Sorry, I would have introduced you guys, but I didn’t want you two to meet.

Max surveying Sandy’s new office: I was under impression you’d become a successful lawyer.

The Second Chance

Alex: Who knew you Harbor girls could throw down.
Marissa: Yeah, well, I’m not like the other girls.
Alex: Well, then I guess it’s about time I show you the meth lab in the basement.
Marissa: I thought you’d never ask.

Ryan: Alright, look. Luke Skywalker was happy to find his dad, right? Even if he turned out to be Darth Vader.
Lindsay: And they fought each other with lightsabers until one of them died.
Ryan: When you put it that way—

Caleb: You know that… Yogalates or… Cardiobar… or whatever you’ve been up to are working wonders on your figure. And that Talbots, it’s so… fetching.

Kirsten: You accused her of wanting money! Not that you’ve ever viewed that as a personality flaw before.
Caleb: Well, she turned up with that inland street thug!

Zach: And Cohen, you gotta nail Summer!
Seth: What?!
Summer: Excuse me?

Lindsay: If it makes you feel any better, I never thought I even liked you until I thought I lost you.

The Lonely Hearts Club

Zach: I’ve got directions, I’ve got snacks.

Caleb: I understand [Ryan] is handy with an adverb.

Caleb: I’m sorry, Ryan. I know it wasn’t easy for you to string so many words together.

Caleb: What is this? The Color of Money?

Caleb about Ryan: Setting fires… impregnating teenage girls…

The Test

Lindsay about Julie: We should put garlic up in case she comes back.
Lindsay’s Mom: Definitely.

Lindsay: I don’t need to take a test. ‘Cause I know that my real dad wouldn’t treat me this way.

The Rainy Day Women

Ryan about Lindsay’s ranking system: So I come in right below pizza. That’s good to know.
Lindsay: Yeah, well. A girl’s gotta eat.

Nurse: Okay, we have a match. Caleb Nichol is the father of Lindsay Wheeler Gardner.

Summer: I can’t go. I can’t do this.
Zach: Truth be told, I didn’t think you’d make it past security.
Summer: I’m really sorry.
Zach: You can’t fight fate.

The Blaze of Glory

Carter: This magazine is just a photo opportunity for 55 year old women with 25 year old breasts.
Kirsten: But this is chance to turn this community upside-down. Be subversive, irreverent.
Carter: I’d rather be drunk.

Ryan: It’s not about me, I’m here because of her mom.
Alex: What are you and Julie Cooper a team, now?

Alex: I’m sorry if I brought… two skeezy ex-cons to your bonfire.

The Brothers Grim

Seth: You’re still an Atwood. Only a slightly more edgy, darker version. I think. But some people think Ryan’s gotten more softer.
Trey: Ryan said you talk a lot.

Zach: I’ll always remember how you owned that Whack-a-Mole.

Summer: And you told Cohen because you knew it would get back to me.
Zach: Within minutes.

The Risky Business

Trey: Just ah, something I picked up in prison.
Seth entering: Ah yeah, the old scallion and shiv omelet. I’ve seen Lockup. Stallone’s finest work since Over the Top.
Trey: Stallone, huh? Eh, I’m more of a Van Damme fan.
Ryan: What, are you kidding me? Segal, man.
Seth: Yeah, a divided house can not eat. Now we all gotta get together between a single action hero.
Sandy entering: Steve McQueen.
Seth: Steve Ma-who?
Sandy: My own son doesn’t know Steve McQueen.
Trey: You know a lot of people like Great Escape. I gotta go with Bullitt.
Sandy: He cooks breakfast and a McQueen fan. I knew I liked you.

Trey: This is the crystal egg from Risky Business?
Newpsie 2: Well it’s not the F-14 from Top Gun.

Trey: Don’t mess with those Newpsies.

Carter: I hear you have your own comic.
Zach: Well, we almost sold it to Wild Storm. Save for a meltdown at the pitch.
Carter: Must be hard to walk away from. Your own comic.
Zach: You weren’t at the meeting. I don’t think Cohen’s picked up a pencil since that fateful Valentine’s Day.

Zach: Dude, technically you’re not doing anything wrong. You said you only floated the comic book by her. Not a graphic novel.

The Rager

Trey: I’m sorry, Ryan. Okay? I screwed up. And you and Seth and Marissa saved my ass. I know that. Will you please just accept my apology?
Ryan: Don’t keep Sandy waiting.

Carter: Kirsten, congratulations. As of this morning you are a bona fide magazine publisher.
Kirsten: I know. The first issue’s on the stands.
Carter: I was referring to our very first libel suit.
Kirsten: What?
Carter: Nick Morton. Newport Beach Politico. Doesn’t like the profile we ran. Thinks it makes him look sleazy.
Kirsten: You wrote that profile.
Carter: I know. I made him look sleazy.

Carter: A surfboard coffee table. I am in The O.C.

Marissa: Nice bean bag.
Trey: Yeah. It’s kind of a stupid first thing to buy, but I’ve always wanted one.

Reed about Zach: You’re like Doogie Howser meets Gordon Gekko but with dimples.

Lance: Let’s just be reasonable here, Jules.
Julie: I am being reasonable. In one night you destroyed a life I spent almost twenty years building. So I’m here to kill you.
Lance: Wait! {she pulls the trigger} No bullets.
Julie: No. Unfortunately. But just for a second I wanted you to feel like your life was being taken away.

Trey: You know it’s funny, ’cause when I saw you I thought to myself, “My brother’s come over to take me to breakfast for my birthday.” You know, maybe I’m the idiot for believing.

Marissa: Afraid someone’s gonna steal your beanbag?
Trey: Yeah, actually.

Lance: Look, don’t go yet. One more drink. For Whitesnake.
Julie: For Whitesnake.

The O.C. Confidential

Carter: I’m sorry, it’s just, I hate drinking alone. pause. Well, I hate drinking wine alone.

David: Also, we’re wondering about Cosmo Girl. Her magic flask. Could she get her power from like, oo, like a sport drink instead? The thing is Legal’s like worried about lawsuits from the parents of teen alcoholics. Um… oh, the Ironist. Boy, a little cerebral.
Seth: Is he being ironic?

Julie: Welcome home, sailor.
Caleb: What’s all this?
Julie: What does it look like?
Caleb: It looks like one of your movies.
Julie: That’s not funny.
Caleb: It’s not supposed to be.

Jessica: Water Polo is throwing a party. We can meet up there. Here’s the address. Cash only.
Marissa: No problem.
Jessica to Summer: How ’bout you?
Summer: Hm? Oh no, strictly ganga. What’s from the Earth is of the greatest worth.
Marissa as Jessica walks away: I’m gonna kill you.
Summer: I hope you know what you’re doing.

Kirsten: Except for my hair issues, great call on the convertible.
Carter: Well, that’s the way the California coast was meant to be seen. And your hair looks great.
Kirsten: Liar. For your punishment I control the radio on the way home.
Carter: No. No one who has won on American Idol ever sings in my car.

Lance: No pre-nup?
Julie: I think a porn scandal more than nullifies it.

Lance: What are you doing?
Julie: I’m writing you a check.
Lance: You don’t gotta pay me to kill your husband.
Julie: It’s not for that. It’s to get you out of town. I’m not a murderer, neither are you.

Kirsten: How many wines have we tasted?
Carter: According to my notes {checks notes} I stopped taking notes.
Kirsten: Should we fire ourselves for drinking on the job?
Carter: Drinking was the job. And I did my job rather well because I’m hammered.

Carter: Could you possibly find a driver for us tonight? We failed to make use of the silver bucket.
Server: Are you staying locally?
Carter: Ah, no. Orange County, actually.
Server: Ew. I’m sorry.

Caleb: Are these real tears?
Julie: No one’s more surprised than me.

The Return of the Nana

Sandy: You remember Ryan.
The Nana: Of course. Who would forget those arms.

The Nana: I have to tinkle so… you two have a lot to talk about. Mainly me.

Bible Beater Boyfriend: …but her best friend told me she entered some contest down here. Immodestly revealing her body for money.
Ryan: Well, Spring Break. That does happen.
Bible Beater Boyfriend: Doesn’t where we’re from.
Ryan: Where’s that?
Bible Beater Boyfriend: Bob Jones University. If they find out what she’s doing here, she’ll be expelled. Which won’t matter when she’s burning in hell.
Ryan: Mm. Yeah, that’s rough.
Bible Beater Boyfriend: Worst part is, I think she’s cheating on me with whoever her partner in sin is.That’s why I brought my boys with me.
Seth: Oh, yeah? Your frat brothers?
Bible Beater Boyfriend: Bible Study Buddies.

Sandy: Look at Ma. A cell phone.
The Nana: I’m very hip.
Sandy: I guess so.
The Nana: I just can’t read the buttons.

The Showdown

Trey: Look, we both know what this is.
Jessica: Well, we know I’m not Marissa. I leave marks on your back.

Caleb: You spent two hours making Eggs Benedict for a man with a heart condition. Doesn’t that seem a little insane to you?

Seth: All this time I thought you were a nice guy.
Zach: Wake up. I’m a water polo player. We’re never nice guys.

Zach: It’s gonna take a little more than quick quips and pop culture-laden bromides to win Little Miss Vixen.
Seth: So it’s war.
Zach: It’s war.

Reed: Summer, Seth and Zach have talent. They could have careers in comics. But you are the Nico of the group.
Summer: I’m sorry. I don’t get references before 1990.

Caleb: You have been monitored to one degree or another since before we were married. The affair you had with your former-husband. The tryst with that high-schooler… Luke.
Julie: Oh my god.
Caleb: I mean, your daughter’s boyfriend. What will people think?
Julie: Ex-boyfriend.

The O.Sea

Zach: She is totally hanging by a thread.
Seth: Yeah, okay. I’ll take one for the team. I’ll take her to prom.
Zach: No way! Why do you get to go?
Seth: Because, dude. I saw her first.
Zach: That doesn’t make sense.

Seth: I understand you’re probably a little bit upset about the launch. Well. I think one day, pretty soon, we’re all gonna have a good laugh about this. Ha ha ha. I know that day feels far off, but comedy is just tragedy plus time.
Zach: Reed, we’re really sorry. We had a huge opportunity and we blew it. I hope we can make it up to you.
Reed: Thank you Zach.
Seth: I was going to say that.
Reed: Look, I hate to give you good news, but unfortunately, I have some. George Lucas is interested in Atomic County. He might want to make it into his next movie.
Seth: Oh my god!
Zach: This incredible!
Seth: Oh my god, it’s happened.
We’re like this decade’s Matt and Ben.

Reed: Face it, you two can’t do anything together except whine about Summer. I can’t face another debacle. I can’t handle another debacle. No. One.
Seth: Well which one of us do you want?
Reed: Unfortunately I am pissed off enough that I don’t even care.

Sandy to Caleb: What Kirsten needs right now is a little support. If you can’t give her that, then show yourself out.
Caleb: I see you’re employing your usual soft ball approach. That might be appropriate when your son runs off to Portland, but this is a tad more serious.

Caleb: My god, did you give any thought to your kids?
Kirsten: I am a good mother.
Caleb: You are also an alcoholic. Your mother was one, too. She did her best to hide it, but I always knew.
Kirsten: Why do you think mom drank the way she did?! Why do you think Hailey left the house at 17? If this family is screwed up it’s because of you.
Caleb: I gave you everything you ever wanted.
Kirsten: I may like my Chardonnay but I am not gonna die alone and that’s more than I can say for you!

Julie: So send me the papers. I’ll make the margs. We’ll make a party out of it.
Caleb: Oh why not. Fitting end to a bizarre marriage like ours.

Caleb: I see you pulled out all the stops. One last ditch effort to stop this divorce from going forward.
Julie: God! Paranoid much?

Trey: Your girl, she can drink, she can’t hold her liquor. Look, I’m sorry, Ry. She threw herself at me.

Theresa: Ryan, Trey has been jerking you around your entire life. And Marissa—
Ryan: Has made mistakes.
Theresa: She would never hurt you like that.
Ryan: How do you know?
Theresa: ‘Cause last year when I needed you, you know, she let you go. Even though it broke her heart. They both love you, but of the two of them? Marissa is the one you can trust.

Summer: I’m glad it’s you.
Zach: I didn’t know what magenta was so I got you white.
Summer: Perfect.

Zach: I saw your face when I got out of the limo.
Summer: And I saw yours. You want to be there, talking about your comic book with Reed. Look, my prom fantasy, it didn’t quite happen. But… you’ve been dreaming about this comic book your whole life. This is your shot. You should go.
Zach: I can’t abandon you.
Summer: I did it to you.
Zach: Good point.
Summer: Go. Save Cohen from himself.

Seth: So we ended up— well, we flipped a coin.
George Lucas: You flipped a coin?
Seth: Yeah. And you know, I know it sounds crazy, but at the time—

Caleb: You know, I’ve never been in this pool before.
Julie: No, you’re more of a land shark.
Caleb: We should have done this sort of thing more. Enjoyed each other more.
Julie: Well, we had our moments.
Caleb: I suppose this calls for a toast. You know, I really did love you, Ju-Ju.
Julie: Oo. Past tense. That stings.
Caleb: Sorry. Grammatical error. To us.
Julie: Wait stop!
Caleb: What?
Julie: I didn’t put lime in your drink. Let me make you a new one.

The Dearly Beloved

Hailey: After all these years, I caused him nothing but stress and anxiety.
Kirsten: Nothing made him more proud than your getting your life together. Me? Last time I saw him I told him he was going to die alone.

Hailey: So you moved to Hawaii. How is it?
Jimmy: It’s fantastic. You would not believe the North Shore.
Hailey: So I’ve heard.

Hailey about Kirsten: How long has this been going on?
Sandy: Too long. And last night sealed the deal. She’s getting help whether she wants it or not.
Hailey: Speaking of help, how can I?

Trey: I was helping Jess out and it got a little outta control.
Ryan: Story of your life, right?
Trey: Yeah, but that was it, man. I told her I’m done.
Ryan: Done. You’ve been done before, too.
Trey: Dude, I know, but Jess turned out to be a little crazier than I expected.
Ryan: Really? That’s a surprise considering you met her face down in a pool?

Jess: You a gambler, Trey?
Trey: I hooked up with you.