Season 2

The Distance

Caleb: Do you hear a clicking on the phone? Every time I try to dial out I swear I hear a clicking.
Julie: Okay, Nixon. Paranoid, much? What’s going on with you, Cal? You’re either hopped up on blow or something’s seriously wrong.

Jimmy: So what’s going on in your life?
Julie: Aside from our daughter being the spawn of Chucky and Keith Moon?

Julie: You two are still—?
Jimmy: Yeah, we’re doing great. She’s fantastic, sweet, limber. How about you and Caleb?
Julie: Not so limber.

The Way We Were

Julie: Will someone tell me what’s going on?
Sandy: Cal.
Caleb: I’m going to bed. The pleasure is all yours, Sanford. Enjoy.

Julie: Let me tell you something, if Caleb’s going down Kirsten’s going with him. So you better come up with something.

The New Kid on the Block

Julie: He’s in prison and could lose everything.
Jimmy: So, you’re gonna divorce him and take his kids.

Julie: He only listens to Kirsten and Sandy.
Jimmy: The woman I married wouldn’t stand for that. Nobody puts Julie Cooper in a corner.
Julie: I don’t know how this happens.
Jimmy: Because you keep marrying for money.

Julie: Back to the gulag.

The New Era

Julie: Look who has a new ficus!
Kirsten: Ah, I have a ton of work to do.
Julie: I figure now that I’m in charge I could infuse a little more life into this place. You know, ficus here, and orchid there. Next thing you know we are a—
Kirsten: A rain forest. Thanks for the plant, but right now this company is one failed deal away from total ruin. Which means I have to ficus. I mean focus.
Julie: Ficus, focus. You are all over the place.

Julie: The truth is being CEO is a bitch.
Jimmy: Hm. You’d think you’d be a natural.
Julie: I tried to Google myself today and crashed the entire computer network. Then our most important investor ran out on his meeting with me and I don’t blame him.
Jimmy: I never heard you admit to having faults before. This is, this is fun.

Jimmy: Look, if there’s one thing you’re good at it’s getting money from rich old men. You just gotta do it the Julie Cooper way. You know I don’t mean sleep with him, right?
Julie: You know what, you have just given me the confidence to execute a new plan.
Jimmy: And you have given me a delightful snack. I love this New Era. We should’ve gotten divorced years ago.

Julie: Now I know I’m not your favorite person right now, but I have a way to make it up to you.
Sandy: This can’t be good.

The SnO.C.

Julie: Jimmy, look.
Jimmy: Wow, she looks beautiful.
Julie: Yes, but more importantly she’s with Ryan. Who right now—let’s face it—looks like Prince Charming.

Julie: I was easy to love back then. I was beautiful and much nicer.
Jimmy: Jules, c’mon. You’re still beautiful. And we both know, you were never nice.

The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn’t

Julie: Does this count as adultery?
Jimmy: Cheating on your husband with your ex-husband? Technically I think it does, yeah.

Kirsten: I thought you and Jimmy were getting along really well.
Julie: Oh really. What makes you say that?
Kirsten: Because last week you said you and Jimmy were getting along really well.

Kirsten: No one’s going anywhere until someone tells me what the hell’s going on.
Julie walking in with Jimmy: Hey. What’s going on?
Seth: Good thing the kitchen’s roomy.

Julie: You and your secrets, Cal. We need a walk-in closet for all your skeletons.

The Family Ties

Julie: What if it wasn’t my life? What if I could just walk away from it?
Jimmy: Well that would depend on what you’re walking to.

Julie: See ya, James.
Jimmy: So long, Jules.

Julie to Jimmy: You see what you’re leaving me with? You see how screwed up she is?
Marissa: Of course I’m screwed up. I’m the daughter of a thief and a slut.

The Power of Love

Julie: Cal, this photoshoot is important. You could at least feign interest.
Caleb: That’s exactly what I’m doing.

Julie: So listen, Riviera Magazine wants to do a big photospread on us. Now I think it’s a great opportunity for us to demonstrate the resilience and strength of this family. It’s wonderful exposure.
Marissa: Any chance to expose yourself, huh?
Julie: Promise you’ll be here, you’ll wear something Marc Jacobs and you won’t be off with your boyfriend.

The Ex-Factor

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The Accomplice

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The Second Chance

 

The Lonely Hearts Club

Julie: What if I took away your Blackberry. And your cellphone?

Julie: Are you going to throw your bedroom furniture in the pool now?

The Test

Julie about Caleb adopting Lindsay: And I told you, you have nothing to worry about. I will take care of that. {Kirsten gives a look} I saw that, Kirsten.

Julie: You should get another glass of champagne. ‘Cause this is one surprise you won’t find posted on the internet.

The Rainy Day Women

Julie: That’s very punk of you. You know, I used to like the punk in my day.
Marissa: Mom!
Julie: Okay, Marissa. It still is my day. I was just being modest.

Kirsten: Well, my husband is currently transporting a fugitive who used to be his girlfriend.
Julie: I’ll see your fugitive former flame and raise you a lesbian daughter.
Kirsten: Marissa? Well I’m sure it’s just a phase.
Julie: It was for me.

Julie: Look, Marissa, I’ll admit it. I experimented a bit when I was your age. Albeit it involved a little Motley Crue and a lot of Jager.
Marissa: Woah, Mom. Way too much information.

The Mallpisode

Julie: Why this guy? He launched a magazine called The Ugly Americans.

Carter: Look, I just don’t think the world needs more proclamations about how Mukluks are the new
Uggs.
Kirsten: Our bar’s not that low.
Julie: He’s right about Mukluks. Write that down.

Lance: Actually, I have something for you.
Julie: Yeah? Last time you gave me something I drank cranberry juice for a week.

Julie: Alex, and I’m not saying this to be mean. Because you actually seem like a nice enough girl,
and… I like your pants. But you’re this week’s yard guy.

Julie: She’s only really been in love once, and he looked a little
different in a wife beater.

The Blaze of Glory

Julie: Okay, like you’re not creepy enough you’re appearing in doorways now?

Sandy: Julie, you scared me. More than usual.
Julie: Always a pleasure, Sanford.
Sandy: Only Caleb gets to call me Sanford because he won’t not.

Ryan: I’m not going to the bonfire.
Julie: But you have go to the bonfire.
Ryan: What, are you and Seth working on the same team now?

Julie: Please tell me you have some news.
Sandy: Well unfortunately Lance is as sleazy as he looks but not as dumb.

Julie: I am so screwed.
Sandy: I know. I saw the footage.

The Brothers Grim

Julie: I made a mistake, Kiki. A naked mistake.
Kirsten: Excuse me?
Julie: A hundred years ago, a boyfriend convinced me to let him film me. In the act. I was young, living on ramen, and I needed the money.

Caleb: Is there anything else?
Julie: Well I made an adult film in the 80s with an ex-boyfriend who’s is now threatening to to release it on the internet unless I pay him half a million dollars. And I would really like to redo the kitchen.

Julie: Kirsten Cohen crushes Carter!

Julie: You can go on with your life, Cal. But I am never leaving this room. My Howard Hughes phase starts now.

The Risky Business

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The Rager

Lance: Jules. How the hell did you find me?
Julie: Well it was easy, Lance. I just looked for the cheapest, scummiest motel near a liquor store and voila.

Lance: Let’s just be reasonable here, Jules.
Julie: I am being reasonable. In one night you destroyed a life I spent almost twenty years building. So I’m here to kill you.
Lance: Wait! {she pulls the trigger} No bullets.
Julie: No. Unfortunately. But just for a second I wanted you to feel like your life was being taken away.

Julie: I don’t want to come home and find I’m living in Delta House.

Lance: Look, don’t go yet. One more drink. For Whitesnake.
Julie: For Whitesnake.

The O.C. Confidential

Julie: All I’m asking is that we not mention any lesbian dalliances or bodies in the pool. Okay?
Marissa: Maybe I should stay with Summer tonight. I mean, that way you don’t have to worry about me slipping up with Caleb and you can make all the “personal sacrifices” you want.

Julie: Welcome home, sailor.
Caleb: What’s all this?
Julie: What does it look like?
Caleb: It looks like one of your movies.
Julie: That’s not funny.
Caleb: It’s not supposed to be.

Lance: No pre-nup?
Julie: I think a porn scandal more than nullifies it.

Lance: What are you doing?
Julie: I’m writing you a check.
Lance: You don’t gotta pay me to kill your husband.
Julie: It’s not for that. It’s to get you out of town. I’m not a murderer, neither are you.

Caleb: Are these real tears?
Julie: No one’s more surprised than me.

The Return of the Nana

 

The Showdown

Julie: Oh my gosh. How much vodka did you put in this?
Kirsten: Normal amount. Little less.

Caleb: You have been monitored to one degree or another since before we were married. The affair you had with your former-husband. The tryst with that high-schooler… Luke.
Julie: Oh my god.
Caleb: I mean, your daughter’s boyfriend. What will people think?
Julie: Ex-boyfriend.

The O.Sea

Julie: Sandy, I did not come here to talk about myself. But as long as we’re on the subject, I could kind of use your advice.
Sandy: Hey, if this involves you being naked, please: you gotta warn me.

Julie: So send me the papers. I’ll make the margs. We’ll make a party out of it.
Caleb: Oh why not. Fitting end to a bizarre marriage like ours.

Caleb: I see you pulled out all the stops. One last ditch effort to stop this divorce from going forward.
Julie: God! Paranoid much?

Caleb: You know, I’ve never been in this pool before.
Julie: No, you’re more of a land shark.
Caleb: We should have done this sort of thing more. Enjoyed each other more.
Julie: Well, we had our moments.
Caleb: I suppose this calls for a toast. You know, I really did love you, Ju-Ju.
Julie: Oo. Past tense. That stings.
Caleb: Sorry. Grammatical error. To us.
Julie: Wait stop!
Caleb: What?
Julie: I didn’t put lime in your drink. Let me make you a new one.

Julie: Cal? Cal! {she dives into the pool}.

The Dearly Beloved

Julie: All my black dresses look like they should be accessorized with a broomstick. Do you have anything I could borrow?
Marissa: It’s a funeral mom, not a fashion show. {pause} Sorry. Look, let me see what I’ve got.
Julie: Wait. I can do it.
Marissa: No. You’ve been through more than enough. I didn’t mean to be a bitch.
Julie: Apples and trees. You are my daughter.
Marissa: Which means I must have something that will look great on you.

Jimmy: Hey Jules.
Julie: Jimmy. What are you doing here?
Jimmy: Well you didn’t think I would leave you two alone during all of this, did you?

Julie: If it would help, I could take over Kirsten Watch for awhile.
Sandy: I don’t know if anything’s gonna help.
Julie: So then let her glower at me. I’m used to it.
Sandy: Unfortunately, so am I these days. Thank you Julie.

Jimmy: What if I decided to stay? What if we gave it another shot? We’re both older and wiser now.
Julie: Well, I’m certainly wiser.