Citizen Joe

O’Neill: I just walked in with a whole handful of ingredients for my world famous omelet.
Carter: World famous, huh? What’s in it?
O’Neill: Eggs.
Carter: I doubt that that actually qualifies as a recipe.
O’Neill: Oh, don’t kid yourself. There’s a secret ingredient. Can’t tell you what it is or I’d have to shoot you.
Carter: It’s beer, isn’t it.

Operator: United States Air Force. How may I direct your call?
Joe Spencer (Dan Castellaneta): Hi. I’m trying to reach one of your officers. A Colonel Jack O’Neill. Two L’s.

Customer: Well what about the Furlings? Are we ever gonna hear about them?
Joe: Oh, of course. I’m sue we’ll hear lots of stories about them. I mean… I’ll make one up.

Charlene: What if you write them down?
Joe: You mean like a… writer?

Worker: See, I’m not sure you should have sent in this about Seth. It wasn’t one of your best.
Joe: They rejected Hathor? Oh, but it was gold!

Joe: These stories. I think…
Charlene: You think? You think what?
Joe: I think they’re real, Charlene. I’m not making them up. They’re happening. Somewhere. I can see them and it’s because of this stone.

O’Neill: Okay, look. This obviously isn’t your forté. So why don’t you just put the gun down before you get hurt.
Joe: Don’t come any closer!
O’Neill: I know your gun isn’t real. However… mine is.
Joe: Oh god! I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You’re right. It’s just a toy. Please don’t shoot me.
O’Neill: I’m not gonna shoot ya.
Joe: I’m sorry. I just thought it was the only way to make you listen to me.
O’Neill: Oh, where you’re going people will listen. They got nothing to do but listen to what you have to say. They have nice white coats, padded walls. The whole nine yards.

Joe: You have a thing for The Simpsons, fishing, Mary Steenburgen, the color peridot and you’re a terrible ping pong player.
O’Neill: Have we met?

O’Neill: First of all, Joe. I’m not a terrible ping pong player.

Joe: Between you and me, I totally see the analogy: Burns as Goa’uld.
O’Neill: Thank you!

Joe: Dr. Jackson, can I just say, thank goodness you’re back. Not that Jonas was a bad guy, but after all you’ve been through together, you belong here with SG-1.
Jackson: Thank you. Jack?
O’Neill: He’s a barber.
Jackson: Broke into your house?
O’Neill: Yeah.
Jackson: Second week in a row.
O’Neill: Mm hm.
Jackson: Alarm.
O’Neill: I’m thinking dog.
Joe: You could try locking your front door.

Joe: I know the hair makes you look different, but didn’t you used to be more gold colored?

Joe: That’s why the stories were so easy to write! It was like someone else had done most of the work for me.
O’Neill: And you say they all got rejected?

Jackson: Wait a minute. Jack, you’ve been seeing parts of the life of a barber in Indiana for seven years and you never mentioned it?
O’Neill: Yeah. Sure I did. I know I did.
Carter: No. No, you didn’t, sir.
O’Neill: I didn’t?
Jackson: You didn’t find it the least bit odd?
O’Neill: Actually, no. I found it quite relaxing.