Stargate SG-1 Jack O’Neill

Season 3


Into the Fire

Hathor: Which one of you shall be host to our new friend?
O’Neill: It has her eyes.
Hathor: Silence!

Hathor: We will destroy you for this!
O’Neill: “We” would just like you to go away!

O’Neill: Alright, blow that C4 as soon as the cavalry comes through the Gate.
Carter: What if they don’t?
O’Neill: What if they don’t?
Carter: They will. They will.


Jacob: So. You guys are the talk of the Tok’ra water cooler.
O’Neill: For what?
Jacob: Kickin’ some major Hathor behind.
O’Neill: Yes, we do take pride in good work. But that’s not why you’re here.
Jacob: We need your help.
Carter: You need our help? With what?
Jacob: Let’s just call it an old hunt.

O’Neill: Alright. Who’s this Setesh fella?
Jackson: Otherwise known as Setec. Set. Seti. Seth. Ancient Egyptian god of chaos. The embodiment of hostility and… outright evil.
Hammond: Why haven’t we heard of him before?
Jackson: Well I’m guessing we haven’t even scratched the surface on meeting all the Goa’uld System Lords. There’s probably thousands we haven’t even heard of, right?
Jacob: Only dozens in the ranks of System Lords. Thousands of Goa’ulds in general.
Carter: What makes you think we would have met this one?
Jacob: The Tok’ra council has been taking a Goa’uld census of sorts. Where the System Lords have positioned themselves, what domain they rule. Who serves under them, that sort of thing. But there’s one Goa’uld we’ve lost track of.
O’Neill: Seth.
Jacob: Our record of him ends when Earth’s gate was buried in ancient Egypt
Carter: Are you saying he never left?
Jacob: That’s our theory. We think he still might be here. Hiding among Earth’s people.

Teal’c: Because the creatures represents Setesh, the elements of the Setesh guard have continued to be the source of many jokes among the Jaffa.
O’Neill: Jaffa jokes? Let’s hear one of them.
Teal’c: I shall attempt to translate one, O’Neill. A Serpent guard, a Horus guard and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The Serpent guard’s eyes glow. The Horus guard’s beak glistens. The Setesh guard’s nose drips. {he starts laughing… and no one else does}

O’Neill: AK47. Couple Uzis. Anyone think they observed the requisite fifteen day waiting period for those weapons?
Carter: Sir, their sidearms. I think it’s safe to say there’s a Goa’uld there. And it looks like a pair of 50-cals.
O’Neill: Does the concept of overkill mean anything to anybody?

Hamner: You wanna tell me what’s going on?
O’Neill: Didn’t you say you know more than I do?
Hamner: Well apparently not. I just got off the phone with the President.
O’Neill: Of the United States of America? Sweet.

O’Neill: So help me, if I wake up and I’m singing soprano…

Jackson: You killed him.
O’Neill: Hail Dorothy.

Fair Game

Hammond: It is with great pleasure that I bestow upon you the responsibilities, the respect, and the rank of Major.
Carter: Thank you, sir.
O’Neill: Well done. Major.

O’Neill: Normally, I am a man of very few words. {he is beamed onto an Asgard ship} And in conclusion I’d like to say.

Thor: Greetings General O’Neill.
O’Neill: Greetings. Have we met?
Thor: I am Thor.

Thor: We received word of what transpired between your people and the Goa’uld named Hathor.
O’Neill: She had it coming.
Thor: As a result, the Goa’uld System Lords have turned their attention toward you.

Thor: I have come to offer our assistance.
O’Neill: Now see that would be appreciated. I have seen your work and it’s great.

Hammond: Colonel, do we need security?
O’Neill: No, I’ll vouch for him sir.

Thor: Three representatives from the System Lords will arrive by Stargate. You must be prepared to speak on behalf of all the inhabitants of Earth.
O’Neill: Well. Maybe not me, personally.
Thor: We have chosen you, O’Neill, to represent your planet at the proceedings.
O’Neill: Alright, now, see that could be a mistake.

Jackson: The second Goa’uld representative we’re expecting is Yu.
O’Neill: Me?
Jackson: Yu is the name of the Goa’uld.
O’Neill: Ah. Sorry.

Jackson: …however it should be noted that Yu did account for a number of notable positive influences.
O’Neill under his breath: Thank Yu.

Carter about the System Lords: I just hate having them here.
O’Neill: Major. I hate having them anywhere.

Thor: We have an enemy in our home galaxy that is far worse than the Goa’uld.
O’Neill: Worse?

Thor: Our greatest advantage has been the feudal nature of the Goa’uld. Our greatest concern has been a single Goa’uld rising to dominant power. If Sokar were to overtake the System Lord collective, the Asgard may not have sufficient power to stop him.
O’Neill: So basically you guys are bluffing the Goa’uld big time.

Carter: I still don’t think Teal’c would do this.
O’Neill: Well neither do I, but the case against him just got a little more interesting, don’t you think?

Jackson: Hathor had the ability to appear and disappear.
O’Neill: Okay, she’s dead. {silence} Right? Please, tell me she’s dead.
Carter: Uh, yeah.

Teal’c: I did not attack Kronos.
Jackson: Well we believe you, Teal’c. But I don’t think anyone else is going to.
O’Neill: Certainly not those lying, scheming, no good, slimy, overdressed style mongers—
Carter: Sir. I’d like to try something.
O’Neill: I wasn’t finished.

Carter: We can’t prove anything, sir. All we know for sure is that Nirrti lied.
O’Neill: Kronos doesn’t know that. Nirrti doesn’t know what else we know.
Jackson: Which is nothing.
O’Neill: Quiet. But she doesn’t know we know nothing.
Hammond: What are you suggesting?
O’Neill: I’m just saying maybe it’s time we take a page out of the Asgard book on dealing with these Goa’ulds.
Jackson: You’re gonna bluff?
Hammond: Sounds risky, Colonel.
O’Neill: Yes sir.

Kronos: We will not attack your world. But if you continue to use your Stargate, be warned. Anyone who is caught by one of the System Lords will be shown no mercy. They will suffer greatly.
O’Neill: Well that certainly makes life more interesting.


Jackson: Do you believe in ghosts?
O’Neill: Ah… no.
Jackson: Neither do I. Which means there has to be a logical explanation.

Jackson: I translated a phrase in the tablet that I thought meant “attack.” But when I refined the translation, I realized it means “to enter by infiltration.”
O’Neill: And you think that’s what they’re doing?
Jackson: Yes.
O’Neill: Through your closet?

Jackson: They’re here. They’ve entered by infiltration and now they want me as a host.
O’Neill: All nine of them?
Jackson: That sounds crazy, huh?
O’Neill: Mm…. yeah. You gotta admit there are some holes in your theory here.
Jackson: Well it’s a theory, not a proof.
O’Neill: Why are you the only one that can see them? Why didn’t they come through my closet? Aside from the fact that yours is cleaner.

Jackson: I don’t feel off. I feel fine. No headaches, no tension. I feel… normal.
O’Neill: That’s because it was just stress. And I have a very calming effect on stressed out people. How about a game of gin?
Jackson: I’m not very good at gin.
O’Neill: Good! Get the cards.

Jackson: I saw something come out of me and go into Teal’c. And then I heard Machello’s voice.
O’Neill: Ah… Machello?
Jackson: Just, just hear me out. I’m guessing it wasn’t actually Machello. It was probably some sort of technological or organic recording. And it said something about delivering Machello to the Goa’uld. Which made me start thinking. Maybe I had some sort of… Goa’uld-killing invention inside of me. One of Machello’s inventions.
O’Neill: And that’s what made you… nuts?
Jackson: Well since I don’t have a Goa’uld the side effect of his invention must make normal people act like they’re…
O’Neill: Nuts.
Jackson: Schizophrenic. Look, Teal’c is sick, right?
O’Neill: Right.
Jackson: Well he does have a Goa’uld.

O’Neill: Is there anything we can do from in here?
Fraiser: Nothing, Colonel. All the specimens are inside us. And since we’re infected with multiple organisms we can expect our symptoms to be rapidly acute.
O’Neill: I’d like to apologize in advance for anything I may say or do that could be construed as offensive as I slowly go nuts!
Fraiser: Likewise, Colonel.

Jackson: Sam, you’ve got four of those things in you.
Carter: I know that, but I feel fine.
O’Neill: You’re not seeing or hearing any of this stuff?
Carter: No. Sir, I feel completely normal. Somehow I must be immune.

Learning Curve

O’Neill: Hello, children. Daniel. No child labor laws here on Orban?
Jackson: No, these are Urrone. They’re like apprentices to the adults. They’re everywhere.

Kalan: Colonel O’Neill. You are most punctual. Both Merrin and I are eager to participate in this exchange between our worlds.
O’Neill: Major Carter’s eager as well. She’s really looking forward to it. So’s Teal’c.
Teal’c: I will share my knowledge of the Goa’uld freely.
O’Neill: Teal’c’s eager on the inside.

O’Neill: So, Merrin, I understand you’re a reactor expert.
Merrin: Yes.
O’Neill: How old are you?
Merrin: I’m eleven. How old are you?
O’Neill: So Merrin, I understand you’re a reactor expert.

Merrin: You aren’t a scientist?
O’Neill: Oh no.
Merrin: Then you are not as smart as Major Carter and Dr. Fraiser.
O’Neill: Well it depends on…. Okay, no. I’m not. But while they were stuck in school I was out doing other things. Like having fun. You do know what fun is, don’t you? Okay. Ah. Fun is what you do to make yourself happy. Like music games. It’s whatever you do when you’re not learning to be a rocket scientist.
Merrin: I am here to teach Major Carter about the reactor.
Carter: Sounds like fun to me.

O’Neill: Alright, Carter. You sleep. {to Merrin} Young lady, if not sleep: fun.

Hammond: So once Merrin returns to Orban she will undergo this Averium and her nanites will be removed.
Fraiser: Yes sir.
O’Neill: Then maybe she won’t return to Orban.
Hammond: Colonel.
O’Neill: General! She’s going back to get her brain sucked out. And I dare anybody to phrase it more delicately.

Hammond: You’ve already given me more than enough reason for a court martial.
O’Neill: General, for a few hours today I got to show that little girl how to be a kid. You want to punish me, go ahead.

O’Neill: I guess we’ll just have to get to know one another all over again. {Merrin scribbles over his drawing} You’re right. What was I thinking? You ever seen a dog? Dogs are my favorite people.

Point of View

O’Neill: All right, I gotta know. What the hell does “kree” mean?
Jackson: Well, actually, it means a lot of things. Loosely translated it means “attention,” “listen up,” “concentrate—”
O’Neill: “Yoo hoo”?

Deadman Switch

O’Neill: Who are you?
Aris Boch: Aris Boch. Perhaps you’ve heard of me.
O’Neill: Ah… not I. Teal’c.
Teal’c: I have not.
Aris Boch: Well that’s disappointing. I’m one of the galaxies greatest hunters.
O’Neill: Not ringing a bell, sorry.
Aris Boch: Well I know you. Captain Samantha Carter. Dr. Daniel Jackson. The Jaffa traitor, Teal’c. And Colonel Jack O’Neill.
O’Neill: Well fancy that. We’re famous.

Carter: Sir, he’s not Goa’uld.
O’Neill: And? But? So? Therefore?

Aris Boch: I give to the Goa’uld what they want and they give back to me what I want in return.
Carter: How do you keep from getting killed?
Aris Boch: Takes talents.
O’Neill: So. How do you keep from getting killed?

Aris Boch: And you, O’Neill, you’re considered, well, you’re a pain in the mikta.
O’Neill: Neck?
Teal’c: No.

Aris Boch: Zat gun?
O’Neill: Dropped the ni’katel.
Aris Boch approvingly: I guess it does save a bit of effort.

Jackson: Jack, he disabled the DHD and Sam said we can’t fly that ship all the way home.
: So we’ll fly it to a closer planet with a Stargate.
Jackson: Good thinking.
O’Neill: It happens.

Teal’c: You must enter the correct combination of five.
O’Neill: How many combinations can there be?
Jackson: Oh boy.

Korra: Aris told you about his wife and son?
O’Neill: Oh yeah.
Korra: It’s a lie. He has none. Never did.
Jackson: So why does he do this?
O’Neill: Greed.
Korra: Not exactly. It is true that his race cannot be used as hosts. And most were slaughtered by the Goa’uld. Those that were kept alive are addicted to a substance called Roshnah.


Jackson: Most Goa’uld that we’ve encountered that have enslaved ancient human populations have taken on roles of other culture’s deities. Ra, Apophis, Hathor, from the Egyptian pantheon—
O’Neill: Yeah yeah yeah. We got it.
Jackson: Well if these people were already Christians when they were taken from Earth It suggests that this Goa’uld is playing—
O’Neill: God? As in God, God? That’s a bit of a stretch, don’t you think?
Teal’c: I know of no Goa’uld capable of showing the necessary compassion or benevolence that I have read of in your Bible.
O’Neill: You read the Bible, Teal’c?
Teal’c: It is a significant part of your Western culture. Have you not read the Bible, O’Neill?
O’Neill: Oh, yeah. Yeah, not all of it. Actually I’m listening to it on tape. Don’t tell me how it ends.

Simon: The time of sacrifice is at hand. The elders will have to perform the trepanning ritual tonight to cleanse her.
Jackson: Oh no.
O’Neill: What?
Jackson: It was a procedure often done in the Middle Ages. They drill a hole in the person’s head. By drilling a hole the evil spirits are released thus saving the person from eternal damnation.
O’Neill: Thus saving a person?
Jackson: Well they didn’t call them the Dark Ages because it was dark.

Rules of Engagement

O’Neill: That UAV needs a swift kick in the CPU.

SG-11: Identify yourself!
O’Neill: Colonel Jack O’Neill, SG-1.
SG-11: Which quadrant?
O’Neill: What?

SG-X Member: Boy are you guys gonna get it.
O’Neill: Get what? From whom?
SG-X Member: You can’t talk!
O’Neill: Why not?
SG-X Member: Because you’re dead.
O’Neill: Dead?
SG-X Member: Pretending not to be dead will just get you into more trouble.
O’Neill: More trouble than dead?

Teal’c: Your standing orders given to you by your previous Jaffa Master?
Captain Rogers: To practice the exercises of battle according to the rules of engagement until the return of our Lord Apophis. When we are ready for the final challenge, he will come.
O’Neill: Don’t hold your breath.

Captain Rogers: We study long and hard and know much.
Carter: About Earth?
Captain Rogers: Oh yes. Corn and cotton are indigenous to North America.
O’Neill: That information could save your life one day.

Teal’c: They are intar.
O’Neill: Short for?
Teal’c: Intar.

Carter: Sir?
O’Neill: Just a huge, honkin’ Apophis, Major. Nothing to worry about.

Teal’c: This is Colonel O’Neill. He is much loved by Apophis. You may address the warriors.
O’Neill: Apophis wanted me to tell you that you’ve all been doing a wonderful job. Couldn’t ask for more. Well done. But he also wanted me to tell you that the whole “invasion of the Tau’ri” idea has been cancelled due to… rain.

Captain Nelson: You speak more like a Tau’ri than a warrior of Apophis.
O’Neill: Well thanks. You’re not so bad yourself.

O’Neill: Ol’ Doc Fraiser says you haven’t been eating.
Captain Rogers: It’s poisoned.
O’Neill: It’s hospital food. Of course it is.

Captain Rogers: I will reveal nothing. You may begin torturing me.
O’Neill: Oh, I’ve already begun. This is the infamous tuna torture.

Captain Rogers: You can go home—wherever that is. The war is over.
O’Neill: No it’s not. Because tomorrow the Final Challenge begins. And many of my men will die. For him.

Forever in a Day

Carter: We were on P8X-873. We were freeing the Abydonians whom the Goa’uld had taken as slaves.
O’Neill: Kasuf sent for us.
Jackson: Sha’re was there.
Carter: Yeah.
O’Neill: She’s dead, Daniel. I’m sorry.
Jackson: How?
Teal’c: It is I who am responsible. I was forced to fire upon and terminate the life of Sha’re. Although I assure you, it was done only to save your life.
Jackson: No.
Carter: No?
Jackson: No. They have a sarcophagus. Her guards put her in the sarcophagus. She’s out there somewhere alive.

Jackson: You should have waited longer. I would have gotten through to her.
O’Neill: She was trying to kill you, Daniel.
Jackson: No she wasn’t trying to kill me. Amonet was trying to kill me.
Teal’c: I have seen many humans killed by Goa’uld ribbon devices. You would have been dead in mere seconds had I not acted.
O’Neill: Teal’c did the right thing, Daniel.
Teal’c: I am sorry Share is dead. However you are my friend. If I had to do it again I would do the same.

O’Neill: You should meet the whiz kid they saddled us with while you’re out of commission.
Jackson: Robert Rothman. He was my research assistant when I was doing my dissertation. Smart guy. Ah, had a good teacher.
O’Neill: Geek.
Jackson: Yes. You used to call me that.
O’Neill: I was talking about you.

O’Neill: We both know you can’t stay away.
Jackson: Then I guess we’re both wrong. Because I’m gone.
O’Neill: Give it a week. You’ll miss me.

O’Neill: Well. It’s been a pleasure doing business with you. Dr. Jackson.

Jackson: How’d you get in here?
O’Neill: Got sick of waiting in the hall so I let us in. You… need a new lock, by the way.

Jackson: I’ve given it some thought and I decided I’d like to come back.
O’Neill: May I ask what changed your mind? You were fairly. adamant.
Jackson: I don’t know. Let’s just say that there’s something through the Stargate that I think I still have to be the one to find.
O’Neill: Now see, I’ve missed that. I have no idea what he means but I buy it.

Past and Present

O’Neill: Anybody get the feeling these folks don’t do a lot of travelling?

Orner (Jason Gray-Stanford): Where did you come from? How’d you get in here?
O’Neill: Door was open. Is there anyone around here who might be considered… in charge?
Orner: Me. Show me your papers.
Jackson: We don’t have any papers. We’re travellers. We’ve come to meet you.
Orner: To meet me?
Layale: Not you!
Jackson: Actually I meant your people.

Carter: Well, still don’t detect anything out of the ordinary, sir. Neither did the MALP. I think we’re okay.
O’Neill: The MALP is worthless. You I’ll trust.

Ke’ra: You’re not from Vyus.
O’Neill: What gave us away?
Ke’ra: Whatever agent that caused the Vorlix is gone, but its effects were pandemic. If you know who you are, then you cannot be of this world.

Carter: What can you tell us about her?
Ke’ra: That she was somewhat of an apothecary. And that she did not survive the Vorlix.
O’Neill: How do you know that?
Ke’ra: The bodies of an elder woman and man were discovered some days later in a building destroyed by explosion. The only remains of our elders we have found. We deduced the male must have been Dr. Zervis. And the female matches what little description he gave in his notes of the visitor.
Teal’c: What is the name of this elder woman?
Ke’ra: It is mentioned… here, yes. She calls herself Linea.

Fraiser: Colonel.
O’Neill: Oh hi. What’s your name?

O’Neill: I was just thinking about amnesia. Doesn’t quite track with Linea’s nickname.
Teal’c: Destroyer of Worlds.
O’Neill: Yeah. That one.
Carter: Well actually in a sick way it sort of does. I mean Ke’ra said herself that their society was on the verge of collapse despite their efforts. This world was in trouble, sir.
Teal’c: Perhaps Linea was experimenting with other ways in which to destroy worlds.
O’Neill: Variety being the spice of life and all.

Carter: I’ve been studying Linea’s journals. Apparently she found a link between dargol—that’s a chemical pesticide the Vyans used—and longevity.
O’Neill: What’s a bug spray have to do with longevity?
Carter: Well it seems it was having the effect of slowing the aging process. Not in an extreme way, but certainly significant enough.
O’Neill: Lucky bugs.
Carter: Yes and no. They stopped using it over twenty years ago. It was adversely affecting their fertility rate.
O’Neill: So no kids.
Carter: Right.

Carter: What if there really was a laboratory accident. Some massive chain reaction of enhanced Dargol gas that caught even Linea by surprise? The entire population becomes young again overnight. You realize of course the implication.
O’Neill: No.
Carter: Their elders aren’t missing, sir. They are the elders.

O’Neill: Listen, I’m not saying the first woman you’ve fallen for since Sha’re isn’t a peach. But if she remembers, you’ll be the first to go.

Jolinar’s Memories

Gate Tech: Receiving GDO transmission. It’s the Tok’ra, sir.
O’Neill: Open the iris. {to Sam} Maybe it’s dad.
Carter: Maybe.

Carter: It’s my father.
Martouf (J.R. Bourne): I’m afraid he’s been captured by Sokar.
Carter: Oh my god.
Martouf: As far as we know, he is still alive.
Carter: As far as you know?
Martouf: You are familiar with the way Sokar has assumed the persona of the entity on Earth known as the Devil?
O’Neill: Yeah. Bit pretentious, don’t you think?
Martouf: You must understand when I say that, if Selmak is still alive, he has been sent to Hell.
O’Neill: As in?
Martouf: A place of eternal suffering and damnation, from which there is no return.

O’Neill: So we’re talking about a rescue mission here?
Martouf: Unfortunately to our knowledge, no one has ever escaped Ne’tu.
O’Neill: Oh.
Martouf: No one except for Jolinar.
Carter: Oh.

O’Neill: How did Jolinar get out?
Martouf: She never said.
Jackson: No one ever asked her how she escaped from an inescapable prison?
Martouf: She was found unconscious and badly injured in a tel’tak—a cargo ship floating adrift in space. Her recovery was long and painful. She was encouraged to remember how she escaped but she refused to speak of it.

Martouf: The Tok’ra believe that Sokar is about to launch a massive attack against the System Lords.
O’Neill: Isn’t that good news?
Teal’c: The chaotic and feudal disorganization of the System Lords’ fragmented rule is a far more vulnerable target than that of one powerful Goa’uld.
Martouf: Especially if that Goa’uld is Sokar.
Hammond: He’s really that much worse than the others?
Jackson: Of all the gods he picked to impersonate, he chose the Devil.

Martouf: Without wanting to sound overly dramatic, the fate of the galaxy may be at stake.
O’Neill: Sounds a bit overly dramatic.

Jackson: You said Hell, right?
O’Neill: Well I’m going to end up there sooner or later. Might as well check out the neighborhood.

Martouf: If she does not remember Jolinar’s method of escape I will not ask any of you to accompany me down to the surface.
O’Neill: Why?
Martouf: Because anyone who does will likely not return.

O’Neill: Well at least it’s a dry heat.

O’Neill: The smells keep getting better and better don’t they.
Jackson: This, ah, doesn’t look encouraging.

Jacob: Am I dreaming?
Carter: No. No, we’re real.
Jacob: Are you crazy?
O’Neill: Apparently.

O’Neill: Is he gonna make it?
Martouf: Not here. Unless we get him out of this place soon he will die.

The Devil You Know

O’Neill: You do understand we’re not too happy to see you.
Apophis: Your insolence is amusing to my ears.

O’Neill: They put that damn memory thing on me. Then they gave me something that reminded me of the 70s.


Fraiser: Loosen your belt please, Colonel.
O’Neill: How’s a needle in my butt gonna get water out of my ear?

O’Neill: Listen, really jam it in this time, okay?

Maybourne: So. You came to the one person you don’t trust.
Carter: I don’t know how far up the chain of command the infiltration goes. It may well be contained within the SGC, but if General Hammond was compromised—
Maybourne: He sounded fine to me on the phone.
Carter: What?
Maybourne: He called me, Major. Calm down. He’s concerned for you, that’s all.
Carter: I told you we had a foothold situation.
Maybourne: Major, a chemical spill causing paranoid delusion is infinitely more plausible to me than aliens taking over the SGC.
Carter: My god. You don’t think I can tell the difference between the two? What was I thinking—
O’Neill: Oh hi, Carter.
Carter: Maybourne you are an idiot every day of the week. Why couldn’t you have just taken one day off?

O’Neill: Who’s that?
Major Paul Davis (Colin Cunningham): Major Davis.
O’Neill: Colonel O’Neill.
Davis: What’s going on? How’d we get like this?
O’Neill: You’re asking me?

O’Neill: Davis, the latch for that thing is— {Davis drops} You found it.

Davis: What are you doing?
O’Neill: I’m going to wake her up.
Davis: Do you think that’s such a good idea, sir?
O’Neill: It’s *an* idea.

O’Neill: Maybe they didn’t hear that.

Davis: What about the other thing?
O’Neill: The other thing? Okay… She’s just an alien. She’s just an alien. Yeah, that’s an alien all right.

O’Neill: Hello.
Carter: Colonel?
O’Neill: Yes.
Carter: It’s you?
O’Neill: Yes.
Carter: It’s good to see you. Oh my god. I figured they had to be keeping you alive to access your mind—
O’Neill: Woah! Hey. Who are you?
Carter: Sir? Oh! Sorry.
Davis: Major Carter?
O’Neill: Oh. Well in that case, it’s good to see you too.

O’Neill: Maybourne? How’d he get—?
Carter: I called him.
O’Neill: Willingly?

Carter: How did you two get free?
Davis: We just woke up.
Carter: It must have happened when I killed you.
O’Neill: I’m sorry?

O’Neill: I’ve come for the bald prisoner.

O’Neill: You will come with me.
Teal’c: I will submit to no further experiments.
O’Neill: Oh, but you will. {Teal’c gives him the eye and O’Neill gives him the eyebrow}

Teal’c: O’Neill, I presume.
O’Neill: What gave it away?

O’Neill: You sure you’re up to this?
Teal’c: As always.
O’Neill: You’re an animal.

Maybourne: What happened?
Carter: They self-destructed.
Teal’c: Their destruction appears to be complete.
Carter: That’s a lot of damage.
O’Neill: Coat of paint. Little touch-up. It’ll be fine.


O’Neill: So. Who’s on trial?
Jackson: -ad.
O’Neill: Triad… al.
Narim: The decision that the Triad must reach is of great concern to a friend of yours. He is an Abydonian by the name of Skaara.
O’Neill: What?

Carter: So you built that Stargate?
Narim: Yes.
Jackson: Way smarter than we are.
O’Neill: Ours is bigger.

Narim: No harm will come to you. The Tollan will guarantee it.
O’Neill: Is that a “money back if you’re not completely alive” guarantee?

Klorel: You! You will pay for what you did to my father.
O’Neill: It’s good to see you too.

Skaara: I’m very happy to see you. All of you.
O’Neill: What just happened? What’s the deal?
Narim: The Tollan designed the device worn upon his chest. It suppresses the Goa’uld’s ability to silence his host. The Goa’uld and host are free to speak at will. The device cannot be removed as long as Klorel and Skaara are our guests.

Narim: As you may recall from our last encounter, it is forbidden for the Tollan to give our technology to anyone less advanced than our own.
O’Neill: Still got that arrogance bug, I see.

Travell: You disregarded my warnings.
O’Neill: Mine too. Well done.
Travell: If you were my subject I would be forced to discipline you. However you are not one of my subjects.


Carter: The probe indicates sustainable atmosphere. The temperature’s seventy-eight degrees fahrenheit, barometric pressure is normal.
Jackson: No obvious signs of civilization.
Carter: P4X-884 looks like an untouched paradise, sir.
Teal’c: Appearances may be deceiving.
O’Neill: One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor.
Jackson: A fool’s paradise is a wise man’s hell.
O’Neill: Never run with scissors.

O’Neill: Au revoir, mon General!
Teal’c: I am unfamiliar with that term, O’Neill.
O’Neill: Au revoir. It’s French. It means “ciao”. Ciao… means adios. Auf wiedersehen. Sayonara. Which all very loosely translated means… goodbye.

Jackson: Wow. This coffee’s great.
Carter: I was just thinking that.
O’Neill: Is that cinnamon?
Jackson: It’s chickory.
O’Neill: Chickory. {Teal’c grabs the pot and downs the rest of the coffee}
Carter: Teal’c?
O’Neill: Isn’t that hot?
Teal’c: Extremely.

Hammond: Can these devices be removed?
Fraiser: Not without causing irreparable brain damage, sir.
O’Neill: What’s the down side?
Fraiser: How they were implanted without any external marks or injury to the cortex is beyond me.
Hammond: Can we determine what threat they pose?
O’Neill: Apparently all desserts on base are in extreme danger.

O’Neill: Carter?
Carter: The technology implanted in our brains, sir. We’re looking at some sort of visual communication interface. Controlled hallucination.
O’Neill: So… I… What?
Urgo: He gets confused. By the way, who is Mary Steenburgen?

Fraiser: Okay, so what does he look like?
O’Neill: A famous tenor.

Urgo: Would you loosen up?
O’Neill: Hey! I’m loose.

Urgo: It’s me or death. You have to decide. Me. Or death. … Well?
O’Neill: We’re thinking.

Urgo: Wait! I can be dull! Want me to be dull? What a nice shade of gray. How about some white bread with mayonnaise? Wanna watch golf on television?
O’Neill: Will you flip that switch?

Urgo: I want to live. I want to experience the Universe. And I want to eat pie.
O’Neill: Who doesn’t?

O’Neill: Him or death.
Urgo: No, I—
O’Neill: Death or him.
Urgo: Oh my.
O’Neill: Well?
Urgo: I’m thinking.

A Hundred Days

Harriman: They say you’ve come through the stone ring. Hard thing to ask a man to believe.
O’Neill: I know what you mean.

Harriman: On the third day we could take no more. We fled to the stone ring. Where it used to be.
O’Neill: Used to be?

Laira: Come. I would like your company.
O’Neill: I don’t even like my company right now.
Laira: You will again. Loss is that way. I mourned my husband for a hundred days. I never left my house, I never spoke to anyone.
O’Neill: After that?
Laira: I left my house. And I spoke to people.

Laira: Paynan has invited you to evening supper.
O’Neill: Why? He doesn’t even like me.
Laira: He is very grateful for all the help you’ve given him in rebuilding his home.
O’Neill: I just hammered a few nails. Well, actually I made the nails first, and then I hammered them.

O’Neill: Laira, you should know a part of me is never going to let go of the life I left behind.
Laira: Well. That’s not the part of you I want.

O’Neill: Teal’c! You are one stubborn son of a bitch.

Shades of Grey

Jackson: Your Eminence, our government has asked us to return to Tollana to arrange formal diplomatic relations with your people.
High Chancellor Travell: Consider it done. You are, after all, the people who saved us from the Goa’uld.
Jackson: Thank you. Yes. Well. In that spirit we’d like to arrange for a trade.
High Chancellor Travell: What would you like to trade?
Jackson: Technology.
High Chancellor Travell: I’m sorry. You know that is the one thing we cannot give you. Tollan law strictly forbids it.
Jackson: Okay, we understand that. However in our culture laws can be changed when it’s deemed that the reasons for those laws are no longer relevant.
High Chancellor Travell: The reasons for these laws are still relevant.
Jackson: Okay, please, if you’ll just allow me to make our case.
High Chancellor Travell: I assume you want weapons technology.
Jackson: Yes.
O’Neill: One of those ion cannons would be nice.
High Chancellor Travell: I see. And for what will you use such a cannon?
O’Neill: To defend ourselves against the Goa’uld.
High Chancellor Travell: Forgive me, Colonel, but our research shows you are far more likely to use our technology against enemies on your own planet.
O’Neill: What if I gave you my word that would never happen?
High Chancellor Travell: Are you the commander of your entire nation?
O’Neill: No.
High Chancellor Travell: Then in truth you cannot guarantee it.
O’Neill: You know what? Forget it.
Jackson: Jack?
O’Neill: We knew you wouldn’t give us anything. We’re wasting a lot of time here.
Jackson: Jack—
O’Neill: No, Daniel. Let’s go.

Jackson: What are you doing?
O’Neill: We never should have saved their technologically-superior butts. This is that thing they disable our weapons with, isn’t it?
Teal’c: As well as the Goa’uld technology.
Jackson: Don’t even think about it.
Carter: Sir, isn’t this against regulations?
O’Neill: I suppose it is, Carter. Let’s go.
Jackson: Jack, you’re crossing a line.
O’Neill: Shut up, Daniel.

Hammond: So, what did you have to promise them in return, Dr. Jackson?
Jackson: Actually, General, we didn’t, ah… promise to give them anything.
Hammond: They just gave you the device as a reward for saving them from the Goa’uld?
Jackson: Actually, General, the Tollan refused to give us any technology.
O’Neill: Offered us a nice fruit basket though.
Hammond: I’m confused. How did you get the device? Major Carter?
Carter: Um—
O’Neill: I took it, sir.
Hammond: Took it?
O’Neill: Yes.
Hammond: You stole it?
O’Neill: I’d like to think of it as borrowed, sir. Major Carter can figure out how to reproduce it and we’ll give it back.
Hammond: I can’t believe what I’m hearing. You and your team stole an alien device from an extremely advanced alien culture?
O’Neill: They won’t retaliate, if that’s what you’re worried about. It’s not their way. Right, Daniel?
Hammond: This command has already been accused of stealing from several other alien cultures, Colonel. Until now we’ve denied it. Perhaps that was a bit premature. Dare I ask how many other items you’ve stolen?
O’Neill: None. This is the first.
Hammond: Colonel, you don’t seem to understand how serious this matter is. You and your team committed a court martialable offence.
O’Neill: To be fair, General, I did it. Carter and Daniel protested. And Teal’c… well he really didn’t say anything but I could tell he was opposed to my actions by the way he cocked his head and sort of raised his eyebrow—
Hammond: Enough, Colonel. Dr. Jackson, Major Carter and Teal’c, you will return this device immediately to the Tollan. And hopefully smooth over what must be some very ruffled feathers.
Carter: Yes sir.
O’Neill: Why? Our core mission is to go through that gate and find technologies we can use to defend against Goa’uld incursion. Am I right?
Hammond: You are bordering on insubordination. We do not steal from friendlies.
O’Neill: Well with no due respect, General, that’s just plain stupid.
Hammond: Colonel—
O’Neill: And since the Pentagon won’t approve our back-up program we have no choice.
Hammond: Colonel, do not go there.
O’Neill: We have no choice but to take whatever steps we need to get what we need.
Hammond: As long as I am in command of the SGC we will hold yourself to the highest ethical standard.
O’Neill: And when the Goa’uld wipe us out because we have nothing with which to defend ourselves I’m sure we’ll all feel great about ourselves and our high moral standards!
Hammond: Colonel O’Neill, you are out of line. Now stand down.

Hammond: Colonel O’Neill, I am hereby relieving you of your command. You are to report to the infirmary and stay there until I send for you.
O’Neill: No holding cell, sir?
Hammond: That could very well be your next stop if you say another word, Colonel.

Carter: Is there anything I can do?
O’Neill: About?
Carter: Well sir, with respect, you aren’t exactly acting like yourself.
O’Neill: No Carter. I haven’t been acting like myself since I met you. Now I’m acting like myself.

Hammond: What you have done here is clearly a court-martialable offense. I have to press charges.
O’Neill: Well. By all means, General, do what you have to do.
Hammond: I do have one other option I can offer you, Jack.
O’Neill: What’s that?
Hammond: Early retirement.
O’Neill: Now see I tried that once before and you pulled me out of it.
Hammond: The offer is only on the table while you’re in the room.
O’Neill: All this for one little indiscretion?

Jackson: You got another one of those?
O’Neill: Yeah.
Jackson: Feel like sharing?
O’Neill: A beer? Sure.

Jackson: So this whole friendship thing that we’ve been working on the past few years?
O’Neill: Apparently not much of a foundation there, huh?

Maybourne: May I come in?
O’Neill: No. I am in no way obligated to put up with your crap anymore.
Maybourne: I think you’re gonna want to hear what I have to offer you.
O’Neill: Offer?

Makepeace: I’m proud to join you folks. I hope you will learn to trust my command as much as you did Colonel O’Neill’s.
Carter: I’m sure we will, sir.
Jackson: I never really trusted Jack’s command, but… I’m open.

Maybourne: I want to be sure you understand once thing, O’Neill. What I’m about to show you is not so much classified as it is secret. Dangerous would be another word I would use.
O’Neill: Keep talking.
Maybourne: I want you to understand that
once you see what I’m about to show you, there is no turning back. You have the choice to go along with it or disappear.
O’Neill: Disappear?
Maybourne: This is your last chance to back out.
O’Neill: Well if you promise to cut down on the melodrama I’ll consider crossing the line.

Lieutenant Clare Tobias: What are they doing?
O’Neill: Taking back what’s rightfully theirs, I guess. Listen up, all of ya. You’ve got two choices here. As soon as they stop taking stuff they’re going to start taking people. Now you can go with the Asgard, or you can follow me. Your choice. I’ll be holding the door open so you can’t go anywhere else.

Makepeace: You pissed off the wrong people.
O’Neill: Like the Tollan, Tok’ra, Asgard, Nox…. Those folks?
Makepeace: They refuse to give us the things we need to defend ourselves against the Goa’uld.
O’Neill: We don’t need their stuff, Makepeace. We do need them.

Hammond: The Asgard insisted that Colonel O’Neill be the only one involved.
O’Neill: They like me.

O’Neill: Obviously the whole friendship thing, the foundation, it’s all solid.
Jackson: Obviously.
O’Neill: Nothing to worry about. No, I feel a little…. I do appreciate that you were the one who came to see if I was okay. That means something.
Jackson: Ah, actually no it doesn’t.
O’Neill: Hm?
Jackson: Um… we drew straws. I lost.

New Ground

Nyan: We have to hide.
O’Neill: I thought you said they weren’t around here.
Nyan: Those are not Optrican. They are my people. Bedrosians.
O’Neill: Good guys?
Nyan: Good is not the word I would use to describe the ones that approach.

O’Neill: Would you believe we come in peace?

Jackson: Well this day just keeps getting better and better.
O’Neill: Yeah.

Rigar: It is impossible for one to travel to other planets, much less through a circle of stone.
Carter: The Stargate isn’t made of regular stone. If given enough power, a wormhole forms within the circle and that allows us to travel to other worlds.
Rigar: Wormhole?
O’Neill: Giant worms. Huge!

Rigar: And how is this illusion of water created that I have heard described?
Jackson: Well you’re right in that. It is an illusion, it’s not actually water.
Rigar: Then what is it?
O’Neill: Magic.

O’Neill: Hey Rigar. You know that “we come in peace” business? Bite me.

Maternal Instinct

O’Neill: Son of a bitch!
Teal’c: Apophis must have transported off of Sokar’s ship before it exploded.
O’Neill: Somebody’s gotta teach that guy how to die.

O’Neill: Scary stories or not, Apophis is just nuts enough to go. I’d like some backup on this one.
Hammond: SG-2 will accompany you.
Bra’tac: As will I.
Jackson: Let’s just hope we’re first.

Carter: No welcoming party.
O’Neill: Well someone’s been reading Martha Stewart.

Monk: Put no barriers between you and where you are.
O’Neill: Don’t look at me.
I believe he wishes us to take off our boots.
O’Neill: Yeah, look. We’ve been walking a ways today—
Monk: Your journey has only begun.
O’Neill: I’m just saying I think I’m doing us all a big favor by keeping these babies on.

O’Neill: You know me, I’m a huge fan of subtlety, but that’s downright encrypted.

Monk: The sun is warm, the wind is wild. The grass is green along the shores. Here no bull can hide.
O’Neill: I don’t know about that.
Jackson: Jack, he’s speaking in Zen koans.

Jackson: The monk is just someone who’s sort of taken up a curatorship.
O’Neill: Kind of a janitor?
Jackson: More of a guide.
O’Neill: An usher?
Jackson: It doesn’t matter.

O’Neill: We didn’t come here to learn parlor tricks. Is the boy here or not?

O’Neill: Please understand I’m on the verge of ordering a complete search of this place, with or without his cooperation.
Jackson: You can’t do that.
O’Neill: You’re confused, Daniel, I can. So far I haven’t.

O’Neill: If we happen to make it out of this one in one piece, remind me to harm Daniel severely.

Crystal Skull

Carter: Normally neutrinos pass right through ordinary matter, no matter how dense. I mean something like five million billion just passed through you.
O’Neill: No matter how dense?

Jackson: No one can explain how the crystal skull that Nick discovered was carved—from a single crystal, against the grain—given the technology of the day. He claimed that it possessed a certain… power.
O’Neill: What kind of power?
Jackson: That if one were to look into the eyes of the skull, one would be teleported to see aliens.

Fraiser: Colonel I can only guess at the effect this type of radiation may have on the human body. I recommend limited exposure. Ten, 15 minutes at the most.
Jackson: Wait a minute, that’s not enough time. I mean there has to be some sort of radioactive suit, or a—
O’Neill: Hey! If you’d been listening you’d know that NIntendos pass through everything.

Teal’c: Whoever the builders are, they appear to be a formidable race.
Jackson: You could fit every pyramid on Earth inside this thing and still have room to spare.
O’Neill: Could you imagine heating this place?

O’Neill: Napoleonic power monger.

Hammond: Colonel, you walk a fine line.
O’Neill: Thank you sir.

Jackson: Repeat what I’m saying. I’m standing right beside you.
Ballard: Standing right beside me.
O’Neill: He’s lost a few pounds.
Jackson: Jack, don’t be an ass.
Ballard: Jack, don’t be an ass.

Ballard: Now we must wait for the giant aliens.
O’Neill: That just has a nice ring to it.


O’Neill: You know maybe it’s just me, but I always thought when one got some leave one actually left.

O’Neill: Land of sky blue waters… loofahs… “Ya sure, you betcha, snookums”… mosquitoes… {he beams out} Home of the loons…


Thor: The Replicators were brought aboard the Asgard ship for study before the danger could be fully comprehended.
O’Neill: We do that all the time. We would have expected more from you guys.

O’Neill: I understand you’re not being a particularly cooperative patient.

O’Neill: Teal’c, come on! Come on! Breathe! {his eyes open} Oh yeah. That’s following orders.


O’Neill: Think you can fix that beam down thing?
Carter: Not without Thor’s help, sir.

Teal’c: Thor was correct. We are about to die.
O’Neill: Come on, Teal’c. Lighten up. We’ve been in these situations before.
Carter: No sir, we haven’t.
O’Neill: We haven’t?