Stargate SG-1 Jack O’Neill

Season 8


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New Order : Part One

Carter: We need you here. You’re our best chance at deciphering whatever’s in that Ancient outpost.
Teal’c: If we fail, you will be O’Neill’s only hope.

New Order : Part Two

O’Neill: What’s going on?
Thor: Your mind has been interfaced with the Daniel Jackson.
O’Neill: What?
Jackson: What?

Jackson: What’s the last thing you remember?
O’Neill: Getting my head sucked by one of those dang… Ancient… head-suckers. And something about twins.

O’Neill: Teal’c what’s with the hair?

Dr. Weir: How are you feeling?
O’Neill: Not bad. I haven’t had to urge to go anywhere or build anything.

O’Neill: I should be clear. I like the promotion, the paycheck and parking spot. But I don’t really want to be in charge here.
Dr. Weir: Well sadly all those things kind of go together. So I guess you have some thinking to do.
O’Neill: I hate that.

O’Neill: I’ve spent my whole life sticking it to the man. If I do this, I’ll be the man. I don’t think I can be the man.


Jackson: So how’s the new job?
O’Neill: Oy. One crisis after another. This morning the mess got a shipment of Yukon Gold potatoes instead of the usual Russets.
Jackson: No.
O’Neill: Oh yes. The golds don’t make for good mash. The consistency’s all wrong.

I hear the new Russian colonel came to see you. Made a pitch to join SG-1.
O’Neill: Yeah.
Jackson: What’d you say?
O’Neill: Told ’em to make french fries instead.
Jackson: About the Russian.
O’Neill: Oh. Well I made it clear he shouldn’t expect preferential treatment. That he’d have to prove himself before I’d consider him for off-world travel.
He is one of the most highly-decorated officers in Russian military history. He has over twenty years flight experience.
O’Neill: And exactly no years in off-world travel. I’m not gonna risk the lives of anyone under my command on a slick resumé.
How uncharacteristically cautious of you.

Carter talking about Daniel: The members of SG-11 insisted he seemed perfectly normal. Did you notice anything peculiar about him, sir?
O’Neill: I thought it odd he was shooting up the Gateroom.

Jackson: Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on?
Dr. Brightman: You’re recovering from a gunshot wound.
Jackson: What?
Teal’c: You have no recollection of the incident?
Jackson: No! Who shot me?
O’Neill: Don’t… change the subject. What do you remember?
Jackson: I went to see Colonel Vasilev and right in the middle of our conversation he collapsed.

O’Neill: Anubis is dead.
Jackson: No he’s not. And he’s here on this base.

O’Neill: You’d think that getting blasted out of orbit would have slowed the guy down.
Teal’c: According to Daniel Jackson, Anubis surrendered his mortal form when he ascended, only to be cast down by the Ancients. As a result he exists purely as an immaterial being.
Carter: See in the past when we encountered Anubis the physical form we were seeing was actually a forceshield, designed to contain his essence. When it was destroyed, that essence was released.
Teal’c: Anubis was trapped in Earth’s orbit, inhabiting debris from his ship, millions of lightyears away from his power base.
O’Neill: So he hitched a ride on a Cosmonaut?
Carter: Yes sir. And then abandoned him for Colonel Vasilev.

Zero Hour

Walter Harriman (Gary Jones): Morning, sir.
O’Neill: Walter.
Harriman: At 0730 this morning, SG-8 made scheduled contact from P6J-908. They requested permission to bring an alien life form back to base for further study. O’Neill eyes him suspiciously. Sir, it’s just a plant. Your 0830 debriefing is SG-2 regarding their recent mission to P8F-809. Folder’s on your desk, along with the personnel files you have yet to review.
O’Neill: How many do I have left?
Harriman: All of them.
O’Neill: Right.
Harriman: Colonel Rudnell has asked me to show you some bunting samples and Captain Corrigan is still waiting for approval on the, uh, buffet menu.
O’Neill: Bunting.

Harriman: He’s your new administrative aide.
O’Neill: Did I order one of these—
Harriman: No, sir.
O’Neill: Do I really need —
Harriman: Yes, sir.

Carter: General.
O’Neill: Colonel. You’ve all met.
Jackson: Yes, actually. We know each other’s life stories.
O’Neill: Is that snippiness?

Dr. Bill Lee (Bill Dow): Well the good news is, it hasn’t eaten anybody yet.
O’Neill: Well thank you, Seymour.

O’Neill: Ba’al has three of my people and he’s offered up an exchange.
Camulus (Steve Bacic): For me.
O’Neill: Any idea why?
Camulus: There are many possible reasons.
O’Neill: Pick one.

Gilmore: Sorry to wake you, sir.
O’Neill: Feels like it’s been ten minutes.
Gilmore: It has.

O’Neill: We’re having a little technical difficulty here.
Ba’al (Cliff Simon): Are your friends lives meaningless to you?
O’Neill: Hey! This is not a stall tactic. I would have called you sooner but we can’t dial out at the moment.
Ba’al: Why not?
O’Neill: Well I’m not really sure. Here’s some irony for you: Carter? Would have this thing fixed like that.
No offense there, Siler.
Siler: Uh, none taken, sir.
O’Neill: So, why don’t you just send her on through? Before you know it, you’ll have old camel ass back in your grubby little mitts.
Ba’al: You dare mock me?
O’Neill: Ba’al. C’mon. You should know. Of course I dare mock you.

Gilmore: Is it really wise to provoke him?
O’Neill: It’s what I do.

O’Neill: What’s going on?
Colonel Reynolds: General we just wanted you to know—whatever you decide—we’re behind you 100 percent. You just need to give the order and we’re ready to go.
O’Neill: I know you are, Colonel. Thank you.

O’Neill: Did Anubis leave anything cool behind?
Jackson: No, not really.
O’Neill: Nuts.


O’Neill: Daniel, we’re always sticking our collective noses where they don’t belong. It’s what we do.

Soren: It is obvious you revere the great ring as much as we do, General O’Neill.
O’Neill: Oh yeah. We love the old gal. Quite possibly for different reasons than you.

Teal’c: You do not represent the people of your world. You merely kill those who believe differently and would stand against you.
Soren: You speak what is on your mind. I admire that.
O’Neill: Actually in your case? He’s holdin’ back.

Carter: We’re continuing to monitor countless radio signals coming from the planet. One of them could be from Daniel. If we could find a way to conta—
O’Neill: Find it!
Carter: Yes sir.


O’Neill: How was it? Was it fun?
Teal’c: Indeed. You died well in battle, O’Neill.
O’Neill: Obviously there’s something defective with this thing.

O’Neill: You know I always thought a failsafe system was supposed to be somewhat safe. From failure.

O’Neill: Why did he kill him?
Carter: Because Daniel was a Goa’uld in the last several simulations.
O’Neill: I told you I should have gone.



Teal’c: Why not merely tell him the truth?
Carter: His personality was profiled and he was deemed a security risk.
O’Neill: For obvious reasons.

Colson: Yesterday I told you of our belief in the existence of intelligent life beyond our planet. I also told you that we believe several governments—including our own—have known abut this. And have been concealing the information for quite some time. Yesterday I challenged those governments to come clean; reveal the truth. We got only silence. Which gives me no choice but to present to you what evidence I have. How do I know for sure that alien life really does exist? Ladies and gentlemen, seeing is believing. An Asgard is ushered into the room.
O’Neill: Well I’d call that something.

O’Neill: Well the Pentagon has lost all patience.
Jackson: What do they going to do?
O’Neill: They want us to put a stop to it.
Carter: How?
O’Neill: We’re calling in a marker. nothing happens. Yep… calling in a marker.
Thor beaming in: Greetings.

O’Neill: Well Thor and I are meeting with the president in five minutes. I’ll bring it up.
Carter: Five minutes?
O’Neill: Yeah. they beam out.
Carter: Right.


O’Neill: Fellas! How was the trip?
Teal’c: I have been betrayed by those I trusted most.
O’Neill: That good, eh?
Bra’tac: His mood is foul indeed. Greetings. It is good to see you both.
Jackson: Bra’tac, what’s going on?
Bra’tac: There was a complication.
O’Neill: Ishta?
Bra’tac: She is well. And as lovely as ever, O’Neill. The problem, I fear, lies with Ry’ac.
Jackson: Is he okay?
Bra’tac: He is in love. And plans to be married.

O’Neill: Look, T, I’m not gonna tell you how to raise your kid, but I’ve always found that sticking your fingers in your ears and humming loudly solves a whole slew of problems.

Bra’tac: I have consulted with Ishta on the matter. And despite the evacuation of Hak’tyl, she wishes the wedding to proceed as planned. And as scheduled.
O’Neill: Meaning here.
A more suitable world is not likely to be found in time. Delaying the ceremony would only grant another victory to Moloc’s tyranny.
O’Neill: Do you know what it took to get approval for Tailgate Tuesdays? Will there be cake?

O’Neill: They want a what?
Carter: A goat, sir.
O’Neill: You can tell them lamb is far less gamey.
Carter: They want it for a ritual sacrifice.
O’Neill: Yeah, well you can tell them that’s not going to happen.
Carter: Yeah, I was hoping you’d say that.
O’Neill: They can have a pinata. That’s always fun.

O’Neill: Teal’c. You there?
Teal’c: Proceed O’Neill.
O’Neill: You know how I get when you don’t call.

Ka’lel: We will not abandon Ishta. We insist a rescue mission be devised immediately.
O’Neill: We’re devising.


Jackson: Is it just me or does that look like an Asgard beam.
Carter: It does. Which makes no sense. Why would they take our Gate?
O’Neill: Yeah. Usually they ask nicely before they ignore us and do whatever they damn well please.

Carter: I think the Trust intends to launch a full-scale chemical attack on the Goa’uld. Without any regard for the millions of Jaffa lives that would be lost in the process.
O’Neill: So they didn’t get the memo.


O’Neill: Alright, you got our attention. Who are you?
Repli-Carter: My name is Samantha Carter.
O’Neill: Alright. We’ve got a little conflict with that statement. We’ve already got one here.
Repli-Carter: There are two of us.
O’Neill: If only.

O’Neill: I need you to be perfectly honest with me. Is Carter letting herself get too involved in this one?
Teal’c: Colonel Carter and the replicator share thoughts and memories. It is understandable that a certain sympathy would develop between them.
O’Neill: Can’t have that.
Teal’c: However I do not believe Colonel Carter would allow these feelings to interfere with the commission of her duties.
O’Neill: Fair enough. But when the time comes, I want you to finish the job.
Teal’c: Understood.

Prometheus Unbound

O’Neill: General!
Hammond: Jack. I let myself in. Hope you don’t mind.
O’Neill: Absolutely not. Welcome.
Hammond: Thank you.
O’Neill: Miss the chair?
Hammond: Actually, I do.
O’Neill: Want it back?
Hammond: As a matter of fact, I do. My new one just isn’t the same.
O’Neill: That’s not exactly what I meant…

It’s Good to be King

Carter: The Tok’ra have their hands full with more pressing matters. They strongly suggest that we get to Maybourne before the Goa’uld do.
Teal’c: If we do not retrieve him, Harry Maybourne faces certain capture. O’Neill remains impassive. Torture. Interrogation. Perhaps even death.
O’Neill: Alright, fine. Go get him.

Maybourne: Where’s Jack?
Carter: General O’Neill is back at the SGC.
Maybourne: No kidding. “General O’Neill”. That doesn’t sound right. Still, good for Jack. Nice to hear he’s doing so well for himself.
Teal’c: As, evidently, are you.

Maybourne: Jack. Great to see you. How long has it been?
O’Neill: Oh, since you got us stranded off-world and tried to kill me.
Maybourne: That takes me back. I guess congratulations are in order. You made General.
O’Neill: You made King.

O’Neill: Nice ride.
Jackson: Yeah, Ancients like to fly in style.

O’Neill: You’re gonna have to help me out here, Carter. Got any quarters?

Carter: Sir, this technology is too valuable to lose.
O’Neill: Carter, what do you want me to do? Call in reinforcements? It’s not like we’re throwing down with a couple of Jaffa. We’re taking on a System Lord and his band of Merry Bad Guys.

O’Neill: You sure you don’t want to leave all this?
Maybourne: I can’t abandon these people, Jack. I made a life here. I can’t walk away from my home, my friends, my wives…
Carter: Wives?

Full Alert

Kinsey (Ronny Cox): You want to take down The Trust. I can help you.
O’Neill: I’m sorry, I must have missed an episode. I thought you guys were working together.

O’Neill: Kinsey, please. Spare me the diatribe. They kicked you when you were down and you want revenge. It’s as simple as that.

Teal’c: Is it possible that Kinsey is simply lying?
O’Neill: That is always possible.

Kinsey: You want me to wear a wire?
O’Neill: That’s the deal.
Kinsey: I am not a spy.
O’Neill: Think of it this way: if you don’t do what they want, they’ll kill you. If you don’t do what we want… we’ll let ’em.

Colonel Chekov (Gary Chalk): How could Kinsey have become a Goa’uld?
O’Neill: Five bucks says Carter has a theory.
Carter: As a matter of fact, I do.

O’Neill about Carter’s glasses theory: That’s it? Did it occur to you that he might be wearing contacts?
Carter: Sir, I know it’s not a lot to go on—
O’Neill: Have you heard of laser surgery?

Citizen Joe

O’Neill: I just walked in with a whole handful of ingredients for my world famous omelet.
Carter: World famous, huh? What’s in it?
O’Neill: Eggs.
Carter: I doubt that that actually qualifies as a recipe.
O’Neill: Oh, don’t kid yourself. There’s a secret ingredient. Can’t tell you what it is or I’d have to shoot you.
Carter: It’s beer, isn’t it.

Operator: United States Air Force. How may I direct your call?
Joe Spencer (Dan Castellaneta): Hi. I’m trying to reach one of your officers. A Colonel Jack O’Neill. Two L’s.

O’Neill: Okay, look. This obviously isn’t your forté. So why don’t you just put the gun down before you get hurt.
Joe: Don’t come any closer!
O’Neill: I know your gun isn’t real. However… mine is.
Joe: Oh god! I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You’re right. It’s just a toy. Please don’t shoot me.
O’Neill: I’m not gonna shoot ya.
Joe: I’m sorry. I just thought it was the only way to make you listen to me.
O’Neill: Oh, where you’re going people will listen. They got nothing to do but listen to what you have to say. They have nice white coats, padded walls. The whole nine yards.

Joe: You have a thing for The Simpsons, fishing, Mary Steenburgen, the color peridot and you’re a terrible ping pong player.
O’Neill: Have we met?

O’Neill: First of all, Joe. I’m not a terrible ping pong player.

Joe: Between you and me, I totally see the analogy: Burns as Goa’uld.
O’Neill: Thank you!

Joe: Dr. Jackson, can I just say, thank goodness you’re back. Not that Jonas was a bad guy, but after all you’ve been through together, you belong here with SG-1.
Jackson: Thank you. Jack?
O’Neill: He’s a barber.
Jackson: Broke into your house?
O’Neill: Yeah.
Jackson: Second week in a row.
O’Neill: Mm hm.
Jackson: Alarm.
O’Neill: I’m thinking dog.
Joe: You could try locking your front door.

Joe: That’s why the stories were so easy to write! It was like someone else had done most of the work for me.
O’Neill: And you say they all got rejected?

Jackson: Wait a minute. Jack, you’ve been seeing parts of the life of a barber in Indiana for seven years and you never mentioned it?
O’Neill: Yeah. Sure I did. I know I did.
Carter: No. No, you didn’t, sir.
O’Neill: I didn’t?
Jackson: You didn’t find it the least bit odd?
O’Neill: Actually, no. I found it quite relaxing.

Reckoning : Part One

O’Neill: You know, we could have used something like this a long time ago.
Jacob/Selmak: The High Council never thought they could trust you with it.
O’Neill: What changed their mind?
Jacob/Selmak: Nothing. They don’t know I took it. My relationship with the Council is still a little strained.
O’Neill: It’s not going to get better if you keep stealing stuff.

Jacob: As I said, given the progress of these battles, the Goa’uld will be wiped out in a matter of weeks.
O’Neill: You know I have to admit, I have some mixed feelings about this.

O’Neill: So what happened? Didn’t you guys have a ship? {Carter and Bra’tac turn to look at the Stargate.} And by the way, where’s Daniel?

O’Neill: I’m sorry. We must have had a bad connection there for a second. It almost sounded like you were asking me for help.
Ba’al (Cliff Simon): The replicators are a threat to everyone. Including the countless humans who populate worlds throughout this galaxy. Now I propose that we work together to defeat our common enemy.
O’Neill: My. This is an occasion.

Ba’al: You can not be serious.
O’Neill: Yes I can. I just choose not to… some of the time.
Ba’al: With your insults you are dooming not just your world but all of humanity.
O’Neill: I think big.

Jacob: What the hell was that?
O’Neill: I’m sorry, Jacob. But I’m just not quite ready to sacrifice Teal’c.

O’Neill: I’m so sorry. I was just finishing up a lovely brunch.
Ba’al: Impudence.
O’Neill: No, tuna.

Reckoning : Part Two

Carter: Since Anubis has no real corporeal form, it’s likely he would survive it.
Jacob: He’d have no one left to rule.
Carter: For now. I mean time may not be an issue for someone like him. He could essentially start over. Repopulate the galaxy to his own specifications.
O’Neill: That’s a little audacious.

Colonel Reynolds: We have a problem, sir. Six SGC personnel are trapped on level eight. Cut off from the emergency escape hatch.
O’Neill: Siler?
Colonel Reynolds: Siler.
O’Neill: Oh Siler. Let’s go.

O’Neill: I expect to be put in your will.
Siler (Dan Shea): Already in it, sir.
O’Neill: Okay, that’s… weird.

Reynolds: How’s it going in there?
O’Neill: Not well.

O’Neill: Any more word from Teal’c?
Carter: Yes sir. Although Ba’al got away the fact that he turned tail and ran made the rebel victory every bit the turning point Teal’c and Bra’tac were hoping for. Jaffa from all over the galaxy joining in.
O’Neill: Well, viva la revolution.


O’Neill: All we know for sure is that he’s missing.
Carter: Sooner or later—
O’Neill: Forget it! How many times have we thought he was gone and then he shows up? In one form or another. I’m sorry but we’re not having a memorial service for someone who is not dead.

Kerry Johnson (Clare Carey): You know there’s just one thing I don’t understand.
O’Neill: Just one?
Kerry: Is the Air Force the only thing keeping you two apart?

Jackson: O’Neill believes that Daniel Jackson was somehow responsible.
Jackson from the other room: Nope, wasn’t me.

Carter: This is great.
O’Neill: I told ya.
Carter: I can’t believe we didn’t do this years ago.
O’Neill: Yes. Well let’s not dwell.
Carter: There are no fish in this pond are there?
O’Neill: Nope.

Moebius : Part One

O’Neill surveying the delivery: Have you been shopping online lately?

Jackson: Holy buckets. This looks like her entire collection.
O’Neill: I prefer stamps.

Jackson: Jack, we need to talk! Oh! Sorry for interrupting.
O’Neill: No! It’s okay. It’s important. You must interrupt. You must.
Jackson: I think we may have found a ZPM.
O’Neill: Yes!

Jackson: We have a time machine. We can go back and get the ZPM
O’Neill: She wouldn’t let me go back and watch the Cubs win the World Series.

Moebius : Part Two

O’Neill: What do I do?
Dr. Carter: Sit down. He sits.
O’Neill: Now what?
Dr. Jackson: You’re supposed to have the ability to fly this thing.
Dr. Carter: With your mind!

Hammond: Are you absolutely certain about them, Colonel?
O’Neill: No sir.
Hammond: Good luck. And godspeed.

O’Neill about to be stunned: Aw sh—

O’Neill: Safety off, point and shoot. Not at me.
Dr. Carter: I don’t really like guns.
O’Neill: Neither do I. How do you feel about explosives?
Dr. Carter: Those I like a little better.

Jackson: Well this can’t be a good sign.
O’Neill: Why is that?
Jackson: Where am I?
O’Neill: Ancient Egypt.
Jackson: No, I mean the me from your timeline.
Teal’c: I killed you.
Jackson: Why?
Teal’c: You were a Goa’uld spy.
Jackson: A good reason.
Dr. Carter: It was horrible.
Jackson: Yeah, I’m sure. Why are you here?
O’Neill: Yes. Excellent question.

Carter: Apparently nothing we did affected the timeline.
O’Neill: But we didn’t do anything.
Carter: Not yet. Apparently we were going to. Two weeks from now. But now we don’t have to.
O’Neill: Excellent. That’s it. I like it.

Carter: Didn’t that tape say there were no fish in your pond?
O’Neill: Close enough.