Season 9

Avalon : Part One

Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Bigger than I thought it’d be.
Harriman: Yes sir. Welcome to Stargate Command.

General Landry: Your service record’s impeccable, Mitchell. What’s wrong with you?
Mitchell: Sir?
General Landry: Nobody’s perfect. Everyone has some sort of character flaw. What’s yours?

Mitchell: General, I’m here to join SG-1.
Landry: Colonel, you’re here to lead SG-1.

Mitchell: Listen, General O’Neill gave me the choice of any posting I wanted. I chose SG-1. That meant Colonel Carter, Teal’c and yourself. Not two letters, a dash and number.

Teal’c: Where is the rest of your team, Colonel Mitchell?
Mitchell: Actually it’s still kind of SG-Me.

Mitchell: Wow. Politics really does suck everywhere you go.
Teal’c: Indeed.

Mitchell talking to himself: Did I mention I’m on a mission from God?

Mitchell: Listen, Sam, come back and rejoin SG-1.
Carter: I heard you’d been given command. Congratulations.
Mitchell: I’m not kidding. You can keep an eye on R&D in your spare time just like you always have. Besides Dr. Lee is pouting because you got the post over him.
Carter: Really.
Mitchell: No, I made that up.

Mitchell turned down by the former SG-1: Well, Walter. Doesn’t look like we’re getting the band back together.

Vala to Mitchell: I know we haven’t met. That, I’m sure I would remember.

Mitchell: Merlin. King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table Merlin?
Jackson: Yes.
Mitchell: Was an ancient.
Jackson: I think so.
Mitchell to Teal’c: See! That is what I’m talking about.

Vala: Try playing hard-to-get.
Mitchell: Look who’s talking.

Mitchell: Ladies first.
Vala to Jackson: Well then, after you.

Avalon : Part Two

Vala: I don’t know, I don’t think he’s actually that good.
Mitchell: Alright, so I flunked fencing.

Jackson: What happened?
Mitchell: The whole place is collapsing. We must have done something wrong.
Jackson: What’d you take?
Vala: What? I—
Jackson: Truth of Spirit. What’d you take?

Jackson: We know the Ancients left their galaxy for Pegasus and returned later when they lost the war to the Wraith, but what happened to them.
Landry: I thought they ascended.
Jackson: Well some did that we know, but what if others went home? Even if they didn’t, the book I read suggests that the Altarens left civilization behind.
Landry: And your point is?
Jackson: My point is that we haven’t met a single living Ancient who’s willing to share their knowledge freely with us and there could be an entire advanced civilization of them out there somewhere in another galaxy. I mean isn’t that why we’re doing this, all of this? The Stargate program, the [?], is so we can meet new races, gather advanced technology, possibly learn about ourselves in the process.
Vala: Oh c’mon. You do it to meet women.
Mitchell: She has a point, sir.

Origin

Prior: I have come to spread the word to the unbelievers who have been sheltered and raised by evil.
Mitchell: You have no idea how much he sounds like my grandma.

Mitchell: Well I suppose after you save the world seven or eight times…
O’Neill: Who’s counting, huh.
Mitchell: Teal’c. Actually he mentions it quite often.

The Ties That Bind

The Powers That Be

Vala: What makes you think they’re going to tell you the truth? You’re supposed to be my faithful servant.
Jackson: Then I’ll also explain that we’re not as faithful as you would like to believe and if necessary I’ll also tell them we’re plotting to kill you.
Vala: I have heard better plans!
Mitchell: I kind of like it.

Mitchell: You stealing this planet’s most valued treasure is the least of our concerns right now.
Vala: I like your attitude. I was thinking of cutting you boys in at ten percent and now I’m thinking twenty.

Mitchell: We do not want to get into a God-off. Especially since we know you’re not even close.
Vala: Forget what I said about the twenty percent.

Beachhead

Vala: You boys aren’t gonna let people from two different planets beat you at your own silly game are you?
Jackson: This silly game isn’t over yet.
Mitchell: That’s my wingman.
Vala: You need a new wingman.
Jackson: I’m gonna kick your ass.
Vala: Promises promises.

Mitchell: Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell. Leader of SG-1.
Nerus (Maury Chaykin): But you’re not…
Mitchell: No.
Nerus: Will he be here?
Mitchell: Nope.
Nerus to Vala: And you’re not even Colonel Carter, are you? This isn’t at all the way I imagined it.

Jackson: Well, temporary or not, it’s good to have you back.
Mitchell: How good is this? Got the band back together!
Carter about Vala: So what’s with the extra back-up singer?

Mitchell after Daniel’s rather brief speech to the Prior: That’s it? Daniel nods. I just gave him 30 minutes.

Teal’c: The Ori knew the Jaffa of Kellana would defend their homeworld and others would follow.
Jackson: And Nerus made certain we’d join in.
Mitchell: Which means he’s working for the Ori.
Carter: The Mark IX gave them almost 70% of the power they needed to envelope the entire planet.
Mitchell: Oh yeah, we’ve been set up.
Vala: What a complete shock! Daniel glares at her. I won’t say another word.

Jackson: Doesn’t that look an awful lot like a—
Mitchell: Yeah, it does.
Carter: In fact I think that’s just what it is.
Jackson: No. It can’t be, ’cause I was gonna say Stargate.
Carter: Try Supergate. I estimate it’s three to four hundred meters.
Teal’c: Large enough for passage of an entire armada.
Vala: It’s incomplete. There’s still time.
Jackson: Time? Time to do what? Everything we’ve done has just made things worse.

Ex Deus Machina

Teal’c: Brothers and sisters, we finally have the opportunity to govern with authority and respect. Years ago that seemed unthinkable. But now we are in a position to help others who are in need of our support and guidance.
Gerak: Why should we help them?
Mitchell: How about because… it’s the right thing to do.

Mitchell: Witnesses?
Jackson: One. Some guy who was working overtime. He spent most of the firefight under his desk, but was able to provide a description of three individuals. Big. Tattoo’ed. Chain mail pants.
Mitchell: So it’s either our Jaffa or KISS is back on tour.

Mitchell: Of all the retirement destinations he could choose, he has to pick our planet?

Teal’c: Of equal concern are Gerak’s Jaffa. We have no control over them. If they decide to move on Ba’al, Earth will face Ba’al’s full reprisal.
Mitchell: And I’m guessing those Jaffa aren’t exactly kicking it back at the local Denny’s.

Pendergast: Cam. What can I do for you?
Mitchell: I need a little help moving.

Babylon

Mitchell: I’m getting that “grasping at straws” feeling.
Jackson: Yeah, just don’t tell Teal’c.
Mitchell: I already did.
Jackson: Yeah, what’d he say?
Mitchell imitating Teal’c: “The warriors of the Sodan exist, Colonel. I am certain of it.”
Jackson: He’s more bass.

Jolan: Your questions can wait. Now that your strength has returned we should begin jomo sel talak immediately.
Mitchell: If that’s breakfast, I could eat.

Mitchell: You know, a bag of sand with a hole in it is not an accurate timing device. Jolan points him toward the path. You are an evil man.

Lord Haikon (Tony Todd): I know that the Ori are not the Ancients, but can there be any doubt that they are gods? And if they can lead us to the path of enlightenment, how can I refuse them?
Mitchell: You’re making a big mistake. These Ori are not what you think they are. They’re not even close.

Lord Haikon: Perhaps when you face your death, in your final moments you will understand.
Mitchell: I’ve already been there. I understand.

Landry: Give me something I can use—soon. Or the next paperwork I fill out will declare Mitchell MIA.

Mitchell: Faith. It was your faith that sustained you for five thousand years. Don’t throw your history away for a bag full of magic tricks.

Jolan: We will continue to walk the path of Sodan until the others see the error of their ways.
Mitchell: Well for what it’s worth, you won’t walk alone.

Walter Harriman: We’re receiving an IDC code. It’s Colonel Mitchell.
Jackson: You’re kidding.
Walter: I would never do that, sir.

Prototype

Carter: Instead of using an iris like we do, the off-world gate stores incoming data in its buffer system. Then if the correct code isn’t received, it dials a random address and empties the buffer into the new wormhole.
Mitchell: Interstellar call-forwarding. That’s pretty cool.

Mitchell: Wow. It’s amazing what people leave laying around.

Jackson: Wait! Wait!
Mitchell: What? I was looking for the lightswitch.
Jackson exasperated: New guy!
Mitchell: Hey, you touched that!

The Fourth Horseman : Part One

Mitchell: I’m just saying, it’s pure ego.
Jackson: Pure ego? That level of enlightenment? Arrogance is about pleasure, right? Wallowing in the pride of one’s achievement.
Mitchell: You don’t think getting a whole galaxy to bow down and worship you is something to write home about?

The Fourth Horseman : Part Two

Jolan: It was foolish of you to come. The others are distrustful of you.
Mitchell: Yeah, I kid of got that. Anything else I need to know?
Jolan: Haikon will have the answers.

Lord Haikon (Tony Todd): How will we know when it is working?
Mitchell: We’ll know when the Prior is no longer able to use his powers.
Jolan: How will we know when he will be no longer able to use his powers?
Mitchell: Well. Someone is just going to have to test it and find out. {silence all around.} Don’t worry, fellas. That someone is me.

Jolan: You are confident this will work?
Mitchell: Well. If it doesn’t work, we’re out of options.

Jackson: That warm, fuzzy feeling you’re experiencing may be the effects of a device that’s inhibiting your ability to concentrate and focus your powers.
Mitchell: Symptoms may include: dizziness, irritability—
Jackson: Nausea—
Mitchell: Mild nausea. And a condition known as “hot dog fingers.”

Damaris (William B. Davis): It makes no difference what you do to me. But know this: the Ori are all seeing. They’re already aware of this affront to their emminence. They shall strike down those that dare to defy them.
Mitchell: Nothing happened. You?
Jackson: Not me. Little thirsty.
Mitchell: That doesn’t count.
Jackson: No it doesn’t.

Damaris: We are beacons on the road to enlightenment.
Mitchell: No. You’re darkside intergalactic encyclopedia salesmen. Unfortunately the home office hasn’t been quite up front with you.
Jackson: Nice work on the metaphor.
Mitchell: Thank you.

Mitchell: General! We were just exchanging recipes.
General Landry: I heard. Has he offered up anything?
Mitchell: No sir. The man doesn’t even have a decent pie crust.

Collateral Damage

Landry: We need to set up a meeting.
Carter: No need, sir. We’ve already been invited back for a reception in honor of the scientists who developed the implant technology.
Mitchell: I’m hoping there’ll be dancing. Sir.

Carter: How’s it going?
Mitchell: I don’t think diplomacy’s my thing.
Jackson: Oh. That’s what you’re doing.

Mitchell: So, do you… live here on your own?
Dr. Reya Varrick: Why do you ask?
Mitchell: It’s a big place. I don’t know. Just curious, I guess.
Dr. Reya Varrick: I thought that was your clever way of asking if I was married.
Mitchell: I’m not that clever.

Mitchell: What if I told you everything that happened to you yesterday was a false memory? How would you know the difference?

Marell: Unless Colonel Mitchell’s made a habit of killing innocent people, we’re out of options.
Mitchell: I may have what you need.

Varta (William Atherton): He doesn’t know he killed her. There was no way to recover that memory.
Mitchell: And that’s gonna make it okay?
Varta: It was for the good of the project. And Dr. Varrick would have understood.

Ripple Effect

Carter: The multiverse theory of quantum physics posits the existence of parallel universes. An infinite number of ever-growing alternate realities that exist concurrently with our own. The theory holds that anything that can happen, will happen. If not in this reality then in another.
Mitchell: So you’re saying that somewhere, in an alternate universe, I got to second base with Amy Vandenberg?
Carter: Theoretically, yes.
Mitchell: Boggles the mind, don’t it!

Carter: As we discussed the situation, we realized we could pinpoint the source of the phenomenon to a precise window. Specifically the interim journey between the two gates.
Mitchell: Did she just say “we”?
Carter: Pardon me?
Jackson: She said “we”. You said “we”?
Carter: Ah, me and… myself, I suppose. The other Samantha Carter.
Mitchell: Right. Finally someone who can keep up with you, huh?
Carter: Yep.

Mitchell: One more stupid question. Landry gives him a look. Uh, sir, yours was fine. Mine is stupid. Why didn’t we end up on alternate PX7 when we gated through to check on Bizarro SG-1’s story?

Mitchell: What if there are more teams coming in hot, sir?
Landry: I’m willing to make the occasional exception, but I am not about to turn this base into the Grand Central Station of the Multiverse.

Mitchell: You know, I’ve read all the mission reports on the Asgard, they’re not what I expected.
Carter: What were you expecting?
Mitchell: Well… pants, for one.

Mitchell: If this plan goes FUBAR we’re the only ones that go down with the ship.
Black Uniform Jackson: Well there’s plenty more where we came from, right?

Mitchell: We’ve reached the target location.
Black Uniform Mitchell: Yeah, I heard.
Mitchell: I think they’re just circling. Looking for parking.

Black Uniform Jackson: Wouldn’t it have been easier just to zat him?
Black Uniform Teal’c: Easier, yes. But far less gratifying.
Black Uniform Mitchell: Did he just insult me?

Black Uniform Mitchell: So let me get this straight, we figured that you guys would try to escape and set this trap for you, not realizing that you’d figure out that we’d figure you out and set your own.
Teal’c: Indeed.

Black Uniform Mitchell: Hey Mitchell. When the time comes, cut the green one.

Stronghold

Dr. Kelly: I imagine you had to pull some pretty big strings to make this happen.
Mitchell: Ferguson got that chunk of metal in his head saving my sorry ass four years ago.

Ferguson (Reed Diamond): Doing pretty good. For a guy with a ticking time bomb in his head.
Mitchell: Why don’t we see what the doctors have to say about that.
Ferguson: I’m just doing what the flyer says.

Ferguson: How’s the big important top secret job?
Mitchell: Still top secret.
Ferguson: Oh come on, man, you can tell me. I’m not going to tell anyone. He puts on his serious face. I’m going to die, you know. No flowers?
Mitchell: No. No, hell, I thought about it. But I decided on this instead.

Ferguson: You know what I think you’re doing?
Mitchell: Sleeping.
Ferguson: I think you’re fighting aliens.
Mitchell: I think that chunk of metal you got in your cranium has caused a lot of damage.

Mitchell about the vending machine: Sorry Doc, you were wrong. Hitting it doesn’t help.

Mitchell: Hey. When you get to the part with the flight attendant, skip over it. That’s private.
Ferguson: I promise nothing.

Carter: You go. We got your back.
Mitchell: You sure about that?
Carter: Am I going to be able to stop you?
Mitchell: I don’t think so. I’m in a bad mood today.

Ethon

Mitchell: You want the big chair?
Carter: Not me. I’ll sit here.
Mitchell: Sam, he’s in Washington.
Carter: Yeah.

Mitchell: Blue squadron, this is blue leader. Break off the attack and scramble formation between the Prometheus and the weapon. Maybe one of us will get lucky and take a portion of the next shot.
Teal’c: I would not consider that lucky, Colonel Mitchell.
Mitchell: Well it could be for anybody aboard the Prometheus.

Off the Grid

Carter: What did you say to them?
Mitchell: Look, obviously it didn’t go so well.
Teal’c: I did advise that you were a most unlikely drug smuggler, Colonel Mitchell.
Mitchell: Can we please just fall back to the Gate?

Eight Hours Earlier

Jackson: What the hell was that?
Mitchell: What was what?
Carter: We’re supposed to stay under the radar.
Teal’c: I doubt if this world possesses such technology.

Mitchell: I have no intention of taking anybody on. I’m just going to pose as a buyer.
Jackson: You?
Mitchell: Well no offense, Jackson, but you do not strike me as the drug dealer type. In fact you’re not even close.
Jackson: I think I’m as close as you are.
Carter: Come on, you’re miles away.
Mitchell: Teal’c, which one of us is closer?
Teal’c: I believe the three of you to be equidistant.
Mitchell: Oh please! Mary Poppins is not even in the running.
Carter: Hey!

Carter: What did you say to them?
Mitchell: Look, obviously it didn’t go so well.

The Scourge

Jackson: Yes, we stopped them this time. But be damn sure they’re already thinking up some other means of spreading fear and destruction throughout this galaxy.
Mitchell: Yeah, that’s why we call them the bad guys.

Mitchell: Seriously. What are we doing here?
Jackson: Honest answer? PR for the Stargate program.
Mitchell: I’m telling you, today it’s escorting foreign delegates on off-world tours, tomorrow it’s comic book conventions and supermarket openings.

Mitchell: I think we’re good to go.
Teal’c: Perhaps we should keep any unnecessary conversation to a minimum.
Mitchell: Okay.

Mitchell: You know what? Sit here. You cover our six. But stay alert. You’ll hear the bugs coming, but tree ferrets give no warning.
LaPierre: Tree ferrets?
Mitchell: Yeah, nasty buggers. Swoop down and separate a man’s head from his torso before you can blink.

Jackson: So. We still doing movie night?
Carter: Yeah. Why not.
Mitchell: Good. I already picked something out.
Teal’c: Old School?
Mitchell: Starship Troopers.
Teal’c: Is it humorous?
Mitchell: Is it ever.

Arthur’s Mantle

Carter: Try picking up that coffee cup. {Mitchell’s hand passes through it} Oh boy. We need to find Daniel.

Mitchell: Out of phase? What does that mean?
Carter: It means we may have shifted to an alternate dimension.
Mitchell: And there are an infinite number of alternate dimensions.
Carter: No no no. That’s alternate realities.
Mitchell: So when the other SG-1 showed up?
Carter: Completely different problem.

Mitchell: Boy am I getting that Patrick Swayze in Ghost feeling. General, we need a Whoopi.

Mitchell: Roast beef. The one time I can’t eat and they serve roast beef. Do you know how many times I’ve requested roast beef?! This is torture.
Carter: It’s only been a few hours.

Landry: So why would Merlin build a device that would transport him to another dimension?
Mitchell: Oo! Today’s daily double.
Jackson: Yeah, that’s the part I haven’t quite figured out yet.
Mitchell: Close!
Jackson: But at least it points to the possibility that both Colonel Mitchell and Colonel Carter may still be somewhere here on this base. {Mitchell indicates a touchdown}. We just can’t see or hear them.

Teal’c: And you are certain you will not be injured?
Mitchell: Absolutely. Hey, take your best shot if you don’t— {Teal’c takes a swing at him}
Teal’c: Good luck, Colonel Mitchell.
Mitchell: Hey, did you even think twice about that?
Teal’c: I did not.
Mitchell: Huh.

Crusade

Vala: It’s funny, Daniel always wanted to get into his pants and now I’m in his.
Mitchell: Vala, that’s not funny.
Vala: Hm?
Mitchell: He can’t defend himself.

Mitchell: You’re pregnant?
Vala: Yes! I keep forgetting you can’t actually see me.

Mitchell: And I ask this not one hundred percent sure I want to know the answer. But whose baby is it?
Vala: That’s the thing. I don’t know.
Carter: As in… ?
Vala: I swear. I did… none of the necessary things. Between my arrival in the Ori galaxy and my wedding night—which was definitely after I knew for sure—there is no way, humanly possible that I know of, that I could have gotten pregnant.

Vala: I am absolutely terrified. Have any of you ever heard of anything like it?
Mitchell: Well there’s one.
Teal’c: Darth Vader.
Vala: Really? How did that turn out?

Vala: So, this girl in the bar. Her name was Denya. And we struck up a bit of a friendship. By the looks on your faces I can see you’re not surprised I had more in common with the village harlot than I did with any of the ladies in the local knitting circle.
Mitchell: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Vala: At least she was honest.

Camelot

Carter: Well this certainly looks like a place where Merlin might have lived.
Mitchell: I wouldn’t get too excited just yet. There could be dozens of villages in the area just like this one. No way to know for sure this is the right one.
Jackson: Well there’s… that. {indicates a sword in a stone}

Teal’c: Given your narrow victory over the knight in the Avalon cave, it would seem that your over-confidence is ill-advised.
Mitchell: Did I say anything about me doing the fighting?

Mitchell: I hate to break it to you folks, but the only technology I’m seeing here are a bunch of dusty old books. {the books activate a door} And a secret passage.

Mitchell: I wasn’t sleeping, I was kel’nor’eeming. Teal’c taught me the fundamentals.
Jackson: Did he mention you should remain conscious during the process?
Mitchell: Yeah, I’m still working on the basics.

Jackson: Uh oh.
Mitchell: What?
Jackson: Nothing happened.
Mitchell: Is that a good thing or a bad thing? {screaming is heard from above}
Both: Bad.

Mitchell: I only count four ships.
Jackson: It’s probably their first wave.
Mitchell: We should see what we can do about discouraging a second one.