Sherlock Mycroft Holmes

Series 1


Mark Gatiss

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A Study in Pink

Watson: Hello?
Mysterious Gentleman: There is a security camera on the building to your left. Do you see it?
Watson: Who’s this? Who’s speaking?
Mysterious Gentleman: Do you see the camera, Dr. Watson?
Watson: Yeah, I see it.
Mysterious Gentleman: Watch. {the camera repositions} There is another camera on the building opposite you. Do you see it? {it also moves} And finally at the top of the building on your right.
Watson: How are you doing this?
Mysterious Gentleman: Get into the car, Dr. Watson. I would make some sort of threat but I’m sure your situation is quite clear to you.

Watson: You know, I’ve got a phone. I mean, very clever and all that. But, ah, you could just phone me. On my phone.
Mysterious Gentleman: When one is avoiding the attention of Sherlock Holmes one learns to be discreet. Hence this place. Your leg must be hurting you. Sit down.
Watson: I don’t want to sit down.
Mysterious Gentleman: You don’t seem very afraid.
Watson: You don’t seem very frightening.
Mysterious Gentleman: Yes. The bravery of the soldier. Bravery is by far the kindest word for stupidity don’t you think? What is your connection to Sherlock Holmes?
Watson: I don’t have one. I barely know him. I met him… yesterday.
Mysterious Gentleman: Hm and since yesterday you’ve moved in with him and now you’re solving crimes together. Are we to expect a happy announcement by the end of the week?
Watson: Who are you?
Mysterious Gentleman: An interested party.
Watson: Interested in Sherlock, why? I’m guessing you’re not friends.
Mysterious Gentleman: You’ve met him. How many friends do you imagine he has. I am the closest thing to a friend that Sherlock Holmes is capable of having.
Watson: And what’s that?
Mysterious Gentleman: An enemy.
Watson: An enemy?
Mysterious Gentleman: In his mind certainly. If you were to ask him he’d probably say his archenemy. He does love to be dramatic.
Watson: Well thank god you’re above all that.

Mysterious Gentleman: Do you plan to continue your association with Sherlock Holmes?
Watson: I could be wrong, but I think that’s none of your business.
Mysterious Gentleman: It could be.
Watson: It really couldn’t.
Mysterious Gentleman: If you do move into {checks a notebook} 221b Baker Street I’d be happy to pay you a meaningful sum of money on a regular basis to ease your way.
Watson: Why?
Mysterious Gentleman: Because you’re not a wealthy man.
Watson: In exchange for what?
Mysterious Gentleman: Information. Nothing indiscreet. Nothing you’d feel uncomfortable with. Just tell me what he’s up to.
Watson: Why?
Mysterious Gentleman: I worry about him. Constantly.
Watson: That’s nice of you.
Mysterious Gentleman: But I would prefer for various reasons that my concern go unmentioned. We have what you might call a difficult relationship.
Watson: No.
Mysterious Gentleman: I haven’t mentioned a figure.
Watson: Don’t bother.
Mysterious Gentleman
: You’re very loyal, very quickly.
Watson: No I’m not. I’m just not interested.

Mysterious Gentleman: “Trust issues,” it says here.
Watson: What’s that?
Mysterious Gentleman: Could it be you’ve decided to trust Sherlock Holmes of all people?
Watson: Who says I trust him?
Mysterious Gentleman: You don’t seem the kind to make friends easily.
Watson: Are we done?
Mysterious Gentleman: You tell me.

Mysterious Gentleman: I imagine people have already warned you to stay away from him but I can see from your left hand that’s not going to happen.
Watson: My what?
Mysterious Gentleman: Show me.
Watson: Don’t—
Mysterious Gentleman: Remarkable.
Watson: What is?
Mysterious Gentleman: Most people blunder around this city and all they see are streets and shops and cars. When you walk with Sherlock Holmes you see the battlefield. You’ve seen it already, haven’t you.
Watson: What’s wrong with my hand?
Mysterious Gentleman: You have an intermittent tremor in your left hand. {Watson nods} Your therapist thinks it’s posttraumatic stress disorder. She thinks you’re haunted by memories of your military service—
Watson: Who the hell are you? {he gets no response} How do you know that?
Mysterious Gentleman: Fire her. She’s got it the wrong way around. You’re under stress right now and your hand is perfectly steady. You’re not haunted by the war, Dr. Watson. You miss it. Welcome back.

Mysterious Gentleman: Time to choose a side, Dr. Watson.

Mycroft Holmes (Mark Gatiss): So. Another case cracked. How very public spirited. Though that’s never really your motivation, is it.
Sherlock: What are you doing here?
Mycroft Holmes: As ever, I’m concerned about you.
Sherlock: Yes, I’ve been hearing about your concern.
Mycroft Holmes: Always so aggressive. Didn’t it ever occur to you that you and I belong on the same side?
Sherlock: Oddly enough, no.
Mycroft Holmes: We have more in common than you like to believe. This petty feud between us is simply childish. People will suffer. And you know how it always upset Mummy.
Sherlock: I upset her? Me? It wasn’t me that upset her, Mycroft!
Watson: No. No, wait. Mummy, who’s “Mummy”.
Sherlock: Mother. Our mother. This is my brother Mycroft. Putting on weight again?
Mycroft Holmes: Losing it. In fact.
Watson: He’s your brother?
Sherlock: Of course he’s my brother.
Watson: So he’s not—
Sherlock: Not what?
Watson: I don’t know, criminal mastermind.
Sherlock: Close enough.
Mycroft Holmes: For goodness sake. I occupy a minor position in the British government.
Sherlock: He is the British government. When he’s not too busy being the British Secret Service or the CIA on a freelance basis. Good evening Mycroft. Try not to start a war before I get home, you know what it does for the traffic.

Watson: So when you say you’re concerned about him, you actually are concerned.
Mycroft Holmes: Yes of course.
Watson: I mean, it actually is a childish feud?
Mycroft Holmes: He’s always been so resentful. You can imagine the Christmas dinners.
Watson: Yeah. {realizing}. No. God no.

Mycroft: Interesting, that soldier fellow. He could be the making of my brother. Or make him worse than ever. Either way we’d better upgrade their surveillance status. Grade 3. Active.
Anthea: Sorry sir, who’s status?
Mycroft: Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.

The Great Game

Sherlock: I can’t.
Mycroft: Can’t?
Sherlock: The stuff I’ve got on is just too big. I can’t spare the time.
: Never mind your usual trivia. This is of national importance.
Sherlock: How’s the diet?
Mycroft: Fine. Perhaps you can get through to him, John.
Watson: What?
Mycroft: I’m afraid my brother can be very intransigent.
Sherlock: If you’re so keen why don’t you investigate it?
Mycroft: No no no. I can’t possibly be away from the office for any length of time. Not with the Korean elections so— {they stop} Well, you don’t need to know about that, do you. Besides, a case like this, it requires… legwork.

Sherlock: How’s Sarah, John? How was the lilo?
Mycroft: Sofa, Sherlock. It was the sofa.
Sherlock: Oh yes, of course.
Watson: How— Oh never mind.

Mycroft: Sherlock’s business seems to be booming since you and he became pals. What’s he like to live with? Hellish, I would imagine.
Watson: I’m never bored.
Mycroft: Good. That’s good, isn’t it.

Mycroft: Andrew West. Known as Westie to his friends. Civil servant. Found dead on the tracks at Battersea Station this morning with his head smashed in.
Watson: Jumped in front of a train?
Mycroft: It seems the logical assumption.
Watson: But…
Mycroft: But?
Watson: Well you wouldn’t be here if it was just an accident.
Mycroft: The MOD is working on a new missile defense system. The Bruce-Partington Program, it’s called. The plans for it were on a memory stick.
Watson: That wasn’t very clever.
Mycroft: It’s not the only copy. But it is secret. And missing.
Watson: Top secret?
Mycroft: Very. We think West must have taken the memory stick. We can’t possibly risk it falling into the wrong hands. You’ve got to find those plans, Sherlock. Don’t make me order you.
Sherlock: I’d like to see you try.
Mycroft: Think it over. Goodbye, John. See you very soon.

Mycroft: John. How nice. I was hoping it wouldn’t be long. How can I help you?

Watson: He was found at Battersea, yes? So he got off the train.
Mycroft: No.
Watson: What?
Mycroft: He had an oyster card. But it hadn’t been used.
Watson: He must have bought a ticket.
Mycroft: There was no ticket on the body.
Watson: Then how—
Mycroft: Then how did he end up with a bashed-in brain on the tracks of Battersea. That is the question. The one I was rather hoping Sherlock would provide an answer to. How’s he getting on?
Watson: He’s fine. And it is going very well. You know, he’s completely focused on it.