Sherlock John Watson

Series 1


Martin Freeman

User Review
3.33 (3 votes)

A Study in Pink

Therapist: How’s your blog going?
Dr. John H. Watson (Martin Freeman): Yeah good. Very good.
Therapist: You haven’t written a word, have you?
Watson: You just wrote “Still has trust issues”.
Therapist: And you read my writing upside down.

Therapist: John, you’re a soldier. It’s gonna take you a while to adjust to civilian life. And writing a blog about everything that happens to you will honestly help you.
Watson: Nothing happens to me.

Mike Stamford: I heard you were abroad somewhere getting shot at. What happened?
Watson: Got shot.

Stamford: What about you, just staying in town while you get yourself sorted?
Watson: I can’t afford London on an army pension.
Stamford: Ah, you couldn’t bear to be anywhere else. That’s not the John Watson I know.
Watson: Yeah I’m not that John Watson.
Stamford: Couldn’t Harry help?
Watson: Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.
Stamford: I don’t know. You could get a flat share or something.
Watson: C’mon. Who’d want me for a flatmate. Stamford looks at him oddly. What?
Stamford: Well you’re the second person to say that to me today.
Watson: Who’s the first?

Sherlock: How do you feel about the violin?
Watson: I’m sorry, what?
Sherlock: I play the violin when I’m thinking. Sometimes I don’t talk for hours on end. would that bother you? Potential flatmates should know the worst about each other.
Watson: Are you—? You told him about me?
Stamford: Not a word.
Watson: Then who said anything about flatmates?
Sherlock: I did. Told Mike this morning that I must be a difficult man to find a flatmate for. Now here he is, just out to lunch with an old friend. Clearly just home from military service in Afghanistan. Not a difficult leap.
Watson: How did you know about Afghanistan?

Mrs. Hudson: What d’you think then, Dr. Watson? There’s another bedroom upstairs if you’ll be needing two bedrooms.
Watson: Of course we’ll be needing two.
Mrs. Hudson: Oh don’t worry, there’s all sorts around here. Mrs. Turner next door’s got married ones.

Sherlock: You’re a doctor. In fact you’re an army doctor.
Watson: Yes.
Sherlock: Any good?
Watson: Very good.
Sherlock: Seen a lot of injuries then. Violent deaths.
Watson: Well. Yes.
Sherlock: Bit of trouble too I bet.
Watson: Of course. Yes. Enough for a lifetime. Far too much.
Sherlock: Wanna see some more?
Watson: Oh god yes.

Watson: You said I’ve got a therapist.
Sherlock: You’ve got a psychosomatic limp. Of course you’ve got a therapist.

Watson about Sherlock’s deductions: That. Was amazing.
Sherlock: You think so?
Watson: Of course it was. Extraordinary. It was quite extraordinary.
Sherlock: That’s not what people normally say.
Watson: What do people normally say?
Sherlock: “Piss off”.

Sherlock: Did I get anything wrong?
Watson: Harry and me don’t get on. Never have. Clara and Harry split up three months ago, and they’re getting a divorce. And Harry is a drinker.
Holmes quite pleased with himself: Spot on then. I didn’t expect to be right about everything.
Watson: “Harry” is short for Harriet.

Watson: What am I doing here?
Sherlock: Helping me make a point.
Watson: I’m supposed to be helping you pay the rent.
Sherlock: Yeah well this is more fun.

Watson: That’s fantastic!
Sherlock: Do you know you do that out loud?
Watson: Sorry, I’ll shut up.
Sherlock: No it’s… fine.

Donovan: You’re not his friend. He doesn’t have friends. So who are you?
Watson: I’m… I’m nobody. I’ve just met him.
Donovan: Okay, bit of advice then. Stay away from that guy.
Watson: Why?
Donovan: You know why he’s here? He’s not paid or anything. He likes it. He gets off on it. The weirder the crime the more he gets off. And you know what? One day just showing up won’t be enough. One day we’ll be standing around a body and Sherlock Holmes will be the one who put it there.
Watson: Why would he do that?
Donovan: ‘Cause he’s a psychopath. Psychopaths get bored.

Watson: You know, I’ve got a phone. I mean, very clever and all that. But, ah, you could just phone me. On my phone.
Mysterious Gentleman: When one is avoiding the attention of Sherlock Holmes one learns to be discreet. Hence this place. Your leg must be hurting you. Sit down.
Watson: I don’t want to sit down.
Mysterious Gentleman: You don’t seem very afraid.
Watson: You don’t seem very frightening.

Mysterious Gentleman: What is your connection to Sherlock Holmes?
Watson: I don’t have one. I barely know him. I met him… yesterday.

Mysterious Gentleman: I am the closest thing to a friend that Sherlock Holmes is capable of having.
Watson: And what’s that?
Mysterious Gentleman: An enemy.
Watson: An enemy?
Mysterious Gentleman: In his mind certainly. If you were to ask him he’d probably say his archenemy. He does love to be dramatic.
Watson: Well thank god you’re above all that.

Mysterious Gentleman: Do you plan to continue your association with Sherlock Holmes?
Watson: I could be wrong, but I think that’s none of your business.
Mysterious Gentleman: It could be.
Watson: It really couldn’t.

Mysterious Gentleman: I imagine people have already warned you to stay away from him but I can see from your left hand that’s not going to happen.
Watson: My what?
Mysterious Gentleman: Show me.

Mysterious Gentleman: You have an intermittent tremor in your left hand. Watson nods Your therapist thinks it’s posttraumatic stress disorder. She thinks you’re haunted by memories of your military service—
Watson: Who the hell are you? he gets no response How do you know that?
Mysterious Gentleman: Fire her. She’s got it the wrong way around. You’re under stress right now and your hand is perfectly steady. You’re not haunted by the war, Dr. Watson. You miss it.

Watson: Listen, your boss. Any chance you could not tell him this is where I went?
Anthea: Sure.
Watson: You’ve told him already haven’t you.
Anthea: Yeah.
Watson: Hey, um, do you ever get any free time?
Anthea: Oh yeah. Lots. pointedly. Bye.

Watson: What are you doing?
Sherlock: Nicotine patch. Helps me think. Impossible to sustain a smoking habit in London these days. Bad news for brainwork.
Watson: Good news for breathing.

Sherlock: What’s wrong?
Watson: I just met a friend of yours.
Holmes surprised: A friend?
Watson: An enemy.
Sherlock: Oh! Which one?
Watson: Your archenemy, according to him. Do people have archenemies?

Watson: Have you talked to the police?
Sherlock: Four people are dead. There isn’t time to talk to the police.
Watson: So why are you talking to me?
Sherlock: Mrs. Hudson took my skull.
Watson: So I’m basically filling in for your skull.
Sherlock: Relax. You’re doing fine.

Watson: That was ridiculous. That was the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever done.
Sherlock: You invaded Afghanistan.
Watson: That wasn’t just me.

Sherlock: Are you all right?
Watson: Yes of course I’m alright.
Sherlock: You have just killed a man.
Watson: Yes, I — pause It’s true, innit. But he wasn’t a very nice man.
Sherlock: No. No, no he wasn’t really, was he?
Watson: And frankly a bloody awful cabbie.
Sherlock: That’s true. He was a bad cabbie. You should have seen the route he took us to get here.
Watson: Stop. We can’t giggle. It’s a crime scene. Stop it.

Watson: You were going to take that damn pill weren’t you.
Sherlock: Of course I wasn’t. Biding my time. Knew you’d turn up.
Watson: No you didn’t. That’s how you get your kicks isn’t it? You risk your life to prove you’re clever.
Sherlock: Why would I do that?
Watson: Because you’re an idiot.

Mycroft Holmes: We have more in common than you like to believe. This petty feud between us is simply childish. People will suffer. And you know how it always upset Mummy.
Sherlock: I upset her? Me? It wasn’t me that upset her, Mycroft!
Watson: No. No, wait. Mummy, who’s “Mummy”.
Sherlock: Mother. Our mother. This is my brother Mycroft. Putting on weight again?
Mycroft Holmes: Losing it. In fact.
Watson: He’s your brother?
Sherlock: Of course he’s my brother.

Watson: So when you say you’re concerned about him, you actually are concerned.
Mycroft Holmes: Yes of course.
Watson: I mean, it actually is a childish feud?
Mycroft Holmes: He’s always been so resentful. You can imagine the Christmas dinners.
Watson: Yeah. realizing. No. God no.

Watson: Hello again.
Anthea: Hello.
Watson: Yes. We met earlier on this evening.
Anthea: Oh.
Watson: Okay. Goodnight.

Watson: So. Dim sum.
Sherlock: Mm. I can always predict the fortune cookies.
Watson: No you can’t.
Sherlock: Almost can. You did get shot though.
Watson: Sorry?
Sherlock: In Afghanistan. There was an actual wound.
Watson: Oh! Yeah, shoulder.
Sherlock: Shoulder! I thought so.
Watson: No you didn’t.
Sherlock: The left one.
Watson: Lucky guess.
Sherlock: I never guess.
Watson: Yes you do.

The Blind Banker

Sherlock: You took your time.
Watson: Yeah I didn’t get the shopping.
Sherlock: What? Why not?
Watson: Because I had a row in the shop with a chip and PIN machine.
Sherlock: You had a row with a machine?
Watson: Sort of. It sat there and I shouted abuse.

Sebastian: There’s a hole in our security. Find it and we’ll pay you. Five figures. This is an advance. Tell me how he got in, there’s a bigger one on its way.
Sherlock: I don’t need an incentive, Sebastian.
Watson: He’s ah… he’s kidding you. Obviously. Shall I look after that for him?

Sherlock: Those symbols at the bank—the graffiti—why were they put there?
Watson: Some sort of code?
Sherlock: Obviously. Why were they painted? If you want to communicate why not use email.
Watson: Well maybe he wasn’t answering.
Sherlock: Oh good, you follow.
Watson: Nope.

Watson: I thought bankers were all supposed to be heartless bastards.

Sarah: You’re, um, well you’re a bit over-qualified.
Watson: I could always do with the money.
Sarah: Well we’ve got two on holiday this week and one’s just left to have a baby. Might be a bit mundane for you.
Watson: Ah no, mundane is good sometimes. Mundane works.
Sarah: It says here you’re a soldier.
Watson: And a doctor.
Sarah: Anything else you can do?
Watson: Learned the clarinet at school.
Sarah: Oh! I, I look forward to it.

Watson: I went to see about a job at that surgery.
Sherlock: How was it?
Watson: Great. She’s great.
Sherlock: Who?
Watson: The job.
Sherlock: “She”.
Watson: “It.”

Community Officer: What the hell do you think you’re doing? This gallery is a listed public building.
Watson: Wait, wait. It’s not me who painted that. I was just holding this for…
Community Officer: Bit of an enthusiast, are we?

Sherlock: You’ve been a while.
Watson: Yeah well you know how it is. Custody sergeants don’t really like to be hurried, do they? Just formalities. Fingerprints. Charge sheet. And I’ve got to be in magistrate’s court on Tuesday.
Sherlock: What?
Watson: Me, Sherlock. In court. On Tuesday. They’re giving me an ASBO.
Sherlock: Good. Fine.
Watson: You wanna tell your little pal he’s welcome to go and own up anytime.

DI Dimmock: Your friend—
Watson: Listen, whatever you say I’m behind you 100%.
DI Dimmock: He’s an arrogant sod.
Watson: Well that was mild. People say a lot worse than that.

Watson: So why did they die? I mean it doesn’t make sense. If they both turn up at the shop and deliver the goods, why would someone threaten them—and kill them—after the event, after they had finished the job?
Sherlock: What if one of them was like Faggin?
Watson: How d’you mean?
Sherlock: Stole something. Something from the horde.
Watson: And the killer doesn’t know which one of them took it so he threatens them both. Right.

Watson: Anytime you want to include me… “No, I’m Sherlock Holmes. I always work alone because no one else can compete with my massive intellect!”

Watson: It’s been painted over. I don’t understand. It was… here. Ten minutes ago. I saw it. A whole lot of graffiti
Sherlock: Somebody doesn’t want me to see it.
Watson: Sherlock, what are you—
Sherlock: Shh! John, concentrate! I need you to concentrate. Close your eyes.
Watson: What? Why? Why? What are you doing?
Sherlock: I need you to maximize your visual memory. Try to picture what you saw. Can you picture it?
Watson: Yeah.
Sherlock: Can you remember it?
Watson: Yes. Definitely.
Sherlock: Can you remember the pattern?
Watson: Yes!
Sherlock: How much can you remember it?
Watson: Well don’t worry.
Sherlock: Because the average human memory on visual matters is only 62 percent accurate.
Watson: Yeah well don’t worry, I remember all of it.
Sherlock: Really?
Watson: Yeah well at least I would if I can get to my pockets. I took a photograph.

Watson: Looks like I’m done. I thought I had some more to see.
Sarah: Oh I did one or two of yours.
Watson: One or two?
Sarah: Well maybe five or six.
Watson: I’m sorry. That’s not very professional.
Sarah: No. No, not really.
Watson: I had a bit of a late one.
Sarah: Oh. Right.
Watson: Anyway, see ya.
Sarah: So— what were you doing to keep you up so late?
Watson: I was attending a sort of book event.
Sarah: Oh, she likes books does she, your girlfriend.
Watson: No, it wasn’t a date.
Sarah: Good. I mean um…
Watson: And I don’t have one tonight.

Sherlock: I need to get some air. We’re going out tonight.
Watson: Actually I’ve got a date.
Sherlock: What?
Watson: It’s where two people who like each other go out and have fun.
Sherlock: That’s what I was suggesting.
Watson: No it wasn’t. At least I hope not.

Sherlock: Exit Visas are scarce in China. They need a pretty good reason to get out of that country. Now all I need to do is have a quick look around the place.
Watson: Fine. You do that I’m going to take Sarah for a pint.

Sherlock: I need your help!
Watson: I do have a couple of other things on my mind this evening.
Sherlock: Like what?
Watson: You are kidding.
Sherlock: What’s so important?
Watson: Sherlock, I am right in the middle of a date. You want to chase some killer while I’m trying—
Sherlock: What?
Watson: While I’m trying to get off with Sarah! Heyyy… Ready?

Watson: Please, please. Listen to me. I’m not Sherlock Holmes. You have to believe me. I haven’t found whatever it is you’re looking for.

Watson: I’m not Sherlock Holmes!
General Shan: I don’t believe you.
Sherlock: You should, you know. Sherlock Holmes is nothing at all like him. How would you describe me, John? Resourceful, dynamic? Enigmatic?
Watson: Late.

Watson: Don’t worry. Next date won’t be like this.

Sebastian: He really climbed up onto the balcony?
Watson: Nail a plank across the window and all your problems are over.

Watson: Over a thousand years old and it’s sitting on her bedside table every night.
Sherlock: He didn’t know its value, didn’t know why they were chasing him.
Watson: Should have just got her a lucky cat.

The Great Game

Watson: What the hell are you doing?
Sherlock: Bored!
Watson: What?
Holmes firing at the wall: Bored! Bored! Not much got in to the criminal classes. Good job I’m not one of them.
Watson: So you take it out on the wall.
Sherlock: Ah, the wall had it coming.

Watson: Is that a head?
Sherlock: Just tea for me, thanks.
Watson: No, there’s a head in the fridge.
Sherlock: Yes.
Watson: A bloody head!
Sherlock: Well where else was I supposed to put it? You don’t mind do you? Got it from Bart’s morgue. I’m measuring the coagulation of saliva after death.

Sherlock: I see you’ve written up the taxi driver case.
Watson: Uh, yes.
Sherlock: “A Study in Pink.” Nice.
Watson: Well, you know. A pink lady, pink case, pink phone. There was a lot of pink. Did you like it?
Sherlock: Um… no.
Watson: Why not? I thought you’d be flattered.
Sherlock: Flattered? “Sherlock sees through everyone and everything in seconds. What’s incredible though is how spectacularly ignorant he is about some things.”
Watson: Now hang on minute, I didn’t mean that in a—
Sherlock: Oh! You meant “spectacularly ignorant” in a nice way. Look, it doesn’t matter to me who’s Prime Minister or who’s sleeping with who.
Watson: Whether the Earth goes around the sun.
Sherlock: Oh god, that again. It’s not important!
Watson: Not important? It’s primary school stuff. How can you not know that?
Sherlock: Well If I ever did I deleted it.
Watson: Deleted it?
Sherlock: Listen. This is my hard drive and it only makes sense to put things in there that are useful. Really useful. Ordinary people fill their heads with all kinds of rubbish. And that makes it hard to get at the stuff that matters. Do you see?
Watson: But it’s the solar system!
Sherlock: Oh! How? What does that matter? So we go ’round the sun. If we went ’round the moon or round and round the garden like a teddy bear it wouldn’t make any difference. All that matters to me is the work. Without that my brain rots. Put that in your blog. Or better still, stop inflicting your opinions on the world.

Sarah: Maybe next time I’ll let you kip at the end of my bed, you know?
Watson: What about the time after that?

Watson: Sherlock!
Sherlock: John.
Watson: I saw it on the telly. Are you okay?
Sherlock: Me? What? Oh. Yeah. Fine. Gas leak. Apparently.

Sherlock: How’s Sarah, John? How was the lilo?
Mycroft: Sofa, Sherlock. It was the sofa.
Sherlock: Oh yes, of course.
Watson: How— Oh never mind.

Mycroft: Sherlock’s business seems to be booming since you and he became pals. What’s he like to live with? Hellish, I would imagine.
Watson: I’m never bored.
Mycroft: Good. That’s good, isn’t it.

Mycroft: Andrew West. Known as Westie to his friends. Civil servant. Found dead on the tracks at Battersea Station this morning with his head smashed in.
Watson: Jumped in front of a train?
Mycroft: It seems the logical assumption.
Watson: But…
Mycroft: But?
Watson: Well you wouldn’t be here if it was just an accident.
Mycroft: The MOD is working on a new missile defense system. The Bruce-Partington Program, it’s called. The plans for it were on a memory stick.
Watson: That wasn’t very clever.
Mycroft: It’s not the only copy. But it is secret. And missing.
Watson: Top secret?
Mycroft: Very. We think West must have taken the memory stick. We can’t possibly risk it falling into the wrong hands. You’ve got to find those plans, Sherlock. Don’t make me order you.
Sherlock: I’d like to see you try.
Mycroft: Think it over. Goodbye, John. See you very soon.

Watson: Why’d you lie? You’ve got nothing on. Not a single case. That’s why the wall took a pounding. Why did you tell your brother you were busy?
Sherlock: Why shouldn’t I?
Watson: Oh. I see. Sibling rivalry. Now we’re getting somewhere.

Sherlock: Lestrade. I’ve been summoned. Are you coming?
Watson: If you want me to.
Sherlock: Of course. I’d be lost without my blogger.

Watson: That’s the phone— the pink phone.
Lestrade: What from A Study in Pink?
Sherlock: Well obviously it’ s not the same phone. But it’s supposed to look like— “A Study in Pink”? You read his blog?
Lestrade: Of course I read his blog. We all do. Do you really not know that the Earth goes around the sun?

Five Pips

Lestrade: What the hell are we supposed to make of that? An estate agents photo and the bloody Greenwich pips.
Sherlock: It’s a warning.
Watson: A warning?
Sherlock: Some secret societies used to send dried melon seeds, orange pips, things like that. Five pips. They’re warning us it’s going to happen again.

Watson: Shoes. He’s a bomber, remember.

Sherlock: The curtain rises.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: Nothing.
Watson: No, what did you mean?
Sherlock: I’ve been expecting this for some time.

Sherlock: Pass me my phone.
Watson: Where is it?
Sherlock: Jacket.

Molly: What do you mean gay? We’re together.
Sherlock: And domestic bliss must suit you, Molly. You’ve put on three pounds since I last saw you.
Molly: Two and a half.
Sherlock: Mm. Three.
Watson: Sherlock—
Molly: He’s not gay! Why’d you have to spoil— ? He’s not.
Sherlock: With that level of personal grooming?
Watson: Because he puts a bit of product in his hair? I put product in my hair.
Sherlock: You wash your hair. There’s a difference. No, no. Tinted eyelashes. Clear signs of taurine cream around the frown lines, those tired, clubber’s eyes. Then there’s his underwear.
Molly: His underwear?
Sherlock: Visible above the waistline. Very visible. Very particular brand. That plus the extremely suggestive fact that he just left his number under this dish here and I’d say you better break it off now and save yourself the pain. {She runs off}.
Watson: Charming. Well done.
Sherlock: Just saving her time. Isn’t that kinder?
Watson: Kinder? No. No, Sherlock. That wasn’t kind.

Sherlock: So. The kid who owned these trainers came from Sussex twenty years ago and left them behind.
Watson: So what happened to him?
Sherlock: Something bad. He loved those shoes, remember? He’d never leave them filthy. wouldn’t leave them go unless he had to. So child with big feet gets— Oh.
Watson: What?
Holmes almost to himself: Carl Powers.
Watson: Sorry, who?
Sherlock: Carl Powers, John.
Watson: What is it?
Sherlock: It’s where I began.

Sherlock: The boy, Carl Powers, had some kind of fit in the water but by the time they got him out it was too late. There was something wrong, something I couldn’t get out of my head.
Watson: What?
Sherlock: His shoes.
Watson: What about them?
Sherlock: They weren’t there. I made a fuss. I tried to get the police interested but nobody seemed to think it was important. He’d left all the rest of his clothes in his locker. But there was no sign of his shoes. Until now.

Sherlock: How quaint.
Watson: What is?
Sherlock: You are. “For Queen and Country”.
Watson: You can’t just ignore it!
Sherlock: I’m not ignoring it. I’m putting my best man onto it right now.
Watson: Right. Good. Who’s that?

Watson: He was found at Battersea, yes? So he got off the train.
Mycroft: No.
Watson: What?
Mycroft: He had an oyster card. But it hadn’t been used.
Watson: He must have bought a ticket.
Mycroft: There was no ticket on the body.
Watson: Then how—
Mycroft: Then how did he end up with a bashed-in brain on the tracks of Battersea. That is the question. The one I was rather hoping Sherlock would provide an answer to. How’s he getting on?
Watson: He’s fine. And it is going very well. You know, he’s completely focused on it.

Sherlock: Elegant.
Watson: Elegant?
Lestrade: What was the point? Why would anyone do this?
Sherlock: Oh. I can’t be the only person in the world that gets bored.

Four Pips

Watson: Why did you lie to her?
Sherlock: People don’t like telling you things. They love to contradict you. Past tense, did you notice? I referred to her husband in the past tense, she joined in. Bit premature—they’ve only just found the car.
Watson: You think she murdered her husband?
Sherlock: Definitely not. That’s not a mistake a murderer would make.
Watson: I see. No I don’t. What do I see?

Sherlock: Feeling better?
Watson: You realize we’ve only stopped for breath since this thing started. Has it occurred to you—
Sherlock: Probably.
Watson: No, has it occurred to you that the bomber’s playing a game with you. The envelope. Breaking into the other flat. The dead kid’s shoes. It’s all meant for you.
Sherlock: Yes, I know.
Watson: Is it him then? Moriarty?
Sherlock: Perhaps.

Three Pips

Sherlock: That could be anybody.
Watson: Well it could be, yeah. Lucky for you I’ve been more than a little unemployed.
Sherlock: How do you mean?
Watson: Lucky for you Mrs. Hudson and I watch far too much telly.

Sherlock: Well obviously I lost that round. Although technically I did solve the case. He killed the old lady because she started to describe him. Just once he put himself in the firing line.
Watson: What d’you mean?
Sherlock: Well usually he must stay above it all. He organizes these things but no one ever has direct contact.
Watson: Mm. What, like the Connie Prince murder, he arranged that? So people come to him, wanting their crimes fixed up like booking a holiday?
Sherlock: Novel.

Watson: There are lives at stake, Sherlock! Actual human lives. Just so I know, do you care about that at all?
Sherlock: Will caring about them help save them?
Watson: Nope.
Sherlock: Then I’ll continue not to make that mistake.
Watson: You find that easy do you?
Sherlock: Yes. Very. Is that news to you?
Watson: No. No.
Sherlock: I’ve disappointed you.
Watson: That’s a good— good deduction. Yeah.
Sherlock: Don’t make people into heroes John. Heroes don’t exist and if they did I wouldn’t be one of them.

Two Pips

Lestrade: So this is a hit?
Sherlock: Definitely. The Golem squeezes the life out of his victims with his bare hands.
Lestrade: But what has this got to do with that painting. I don’t see wh—
Sherlock: You do see, you just don’t observe.
Watson: Alright, alright. Girls. Calm down.

Sherlock: Tonight they unveil the rediscovered masterpiece. Now why would anyone want to pay the Golem to suffocate a perfectly ordinary attendant? Inference: the dead man knew something about it. Something that would stop the owner getting paid thirty million pounds. The picture’s a fake.
Watson: Fantastic.
Sherlock: Meretricious.
Lestrade: And a happy new year.

Watson: Any time you want to explain?
Sherlock: Homeless network.
Watson: Homeless network?
Sherlock: My eyes and ears all over the city.
Watson: That’s clever. So you scratch their backs and…
Sherlock: Yes. And then disinfect myself.

Sherlock: The point.
Watson: Yes!
Sherlock: Knew you’d get there eventually. West wasn’t killed here. That’s why there was so little blood.
Watson: How long have you been following me?
Sherlock: Since the start. You don’t think I’d give up on a case like this just to spite my brother, do you?. Come on. Watson: Little bit of burglary to do.

Sherlock: The missile plans haven’t left the country otherwise Mycroft’s people would have heard about it. Despite what people think we do still have a Secret Service.
Watson: Yeah, I know. I’ve met them.
Sherlock: Which means whoever stole the memory stick can’t sell it or doesn’t know what to do with it. My money’s on the latter.

Sherlock: Distraction over. The game continues.
Watson: Well maybe that’s over too. We’ve heard nothing from the bomber.
Sherlock: Five pips, remember John? It’s a countdown. We’ve only had four.

Sherlock: No! No no! Of course he’s not the boy’s father! Look at the turn-ups on his jeans.
Watson: Knew it was dangerous.
Sherlock: Hm?
Watson: Getting you into crap telly.

Watson: You give Mycroft the memory stick yet?
Sherlock: Yep. He was over the moon. Threatened me with a knighthood. Again.
Watson: You know I’m still waiting.
Sherlock: Hm?
Watson: For you to admit that a little knowledge of the solar system and you’d have cleared up the fake painting a lot quicker.
Sherlock: Didn’t do you any good, did it?
Watson: No, but I’m not the world’s only consulting detective.
Sherlock: True.

Sherlock: Brought you a little “getting to know you” present. Oh, that’s what it’s all been for isn’t it? All your little puzzles, making me dance. All to distract me from this.
Watson walking out: Evening. This is a turn up, isn’t it, Sherlock?
Sherlock: John. What the hell?
Watson: Bet you never saw this coming. What would you like me to make him say next? Gottle o’ geer. Gottle o’ Geer. Gottle o’ g—
Sherlock: Stop it.
Watson: Nice touch this, the pool. Where little Carl died. I stopped him. I can stop John Watson too. Stop his heart.
Sherlock: Who are you?
Jim Moriarty (Andrew Scott) appearing across the pool: I gave you my number. I thought you might call. Is that a British Army Browning L9A1 in your pocket? Or are you just pleased to see me?
Sherlock: Both.
Moriarty: Jim Moriarty. Hi. {no reaction}. Jim? Jim from the hospital? Huh. Did I really make such a fleeting impression? But then I suppose that was rather the point. Don’t be silly. Someone else is holding the rifle. I don’t like getting my hands dirty. I’ve given you a glimpse, Sherlock—just a teensy glimpse—of what I’ve got going on out there in the big bad world. I’m a specialist, you see. Like you.
Sherlock: “Dear Jim, Please will you fix it for me to get rid of my lover’s nasty sister.” “Dear Jim, Please will you fix it for me to disappear to South America.”
Moriarty: Just so.
Sherlock: Consulting criminal. Brilliant.
Moriarty: Isn’t it? No one ever gets to me. And no one ever will.
Sherlock: I did.
Moriarty: You’ve come the closest. Now you’re in my way.
Sherlock: Thank you.
Moriarty: Didn’t mean it as a compliment.
Sherlock: Yes you did.
Moriarty: Yeah, okay, I did. But the flirting’s over, Sherlock. {sing song} Daddy’s had enough now! I’ve shown you what I can do. I’ve cut loose all those people, all those little problems. Even thirty million quid just to get you to come out and play. So take this as a friendly warning, my dear. Back off. Although. I have loved this. This little game of ours. Playing Jim from IT. Playing gay. Did you like the little touch with the underwear?
Sherlock: People have died.
Moriarty: That’s what people DO!
Sherlock: I will stop you.
Moriarty: No you won’t.
Holmes to Watson: You all right?
Moriarty: You can talk, Johnny Boy. Go ahead.
Holmes offering the memory stick: Take it.
Moriarty: Hm? Oh, that. The missile plans. {kisses the memory stick}. Boring! I could have got them anywhere. {he tosses it in the pool}.
Watson grabbing Moriarty: Sherlock run!
Moriarty: Oh! Good. Very good.
Watson: Just like that. Pull that trigger, Mr. Moriarty, and we both go up.
Moriarty: He’s sweet, I can see why you like having him around. But then people do get so sentimental about their pets. They’re so touching and loyal. But oops! You’ve rather shown your hand there, Dr. Watson. Gotcha!

Moriarty unruffling his suit: Westwood. Do you know what happens if you don’t leave me alone, Sherlock? To you.
Sherlock: Oh let me guess, I get killed.
Moriarty: Kill you? Eh, no. Don’t be obvious. I mean I’m going to kill you anyway someday. I don’t want to rush it though. I’m saving it up for something special. No no no no. If you don’t stop prying I will burn you. I will burn the heart out of you.
Sherlock: I have been reliably informed that I don’t have one.
Moriarty: But we both know that’s not quite true. Well. I’d better be off. So nice to have had a proper chat.
Sherlock: What if I was to shoot you now? Right now.
Moriarty: Then you could cherish the look of surprise on my face. Because I’d be surprised, Sherlock. Really I would. And just a teensy bit disappointed. And of course you wouldn’t be able to cherish it for very long. Ciao, Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock: Catch you… later.
Moriarty: No you won’t!

Holmes frantically ripping the jacket off of Watson: Alright? Are you all right?!
Watson: Yeah, I’m fine. Sherlock— Sherlock! Are you okay?
Sherlock: Me? Yeah. Fine. Fine. That, ah— thing that you did. That you, um, you offered to do. That was, um… good.
Watson: I’m glad no one saw that.
Sherlock: Hm?
Watson: You ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. People might talk.
Sherlock: People do little else.
They both notice the red laser sights have returned, as has:
Moriarty: Sorry boys! I’m soooo changeable! It is a weakness with me. But to be fair to myself, it is my only weakness. You can’t be allowed to continue. You just can’t. I would try to convince you. Everything I have to say has already crossed your mind.
Sherlock: Probably my answer has crossed yours. {He aims the gun at Moriarty and then down to the bomb-laden jacket}…