The Old and the Restless

1987

Grandpa Spencer (Brian Doyle-Murray): Put that down. We’re not here to feed the birds. That’s just a cover to throw your dad off.
Young Shawn: Well if we’re not here to feed the birds, what are we here to do, Grandpa?
Grandpa Spencer: We’re here to girl watch. Everything they do is magical, mysterious. Your grandma was a lifetime of surprises.

Grandpa Spencer: Henry, do you have to drain the fun out of everything?
Henry: Dad, I want you to leave the raising of my son to me, alright?

Grandpa Spencer: Do me a favor, Shawn, sometimes you gotta let what your dad says float through the ears. Make your own choices. Don’t take life too seriously. Travel the world, meet interesting people. Have some adventures. Because one day you’re gonna wake up and realize your’e too old to do anything really fun.
Young Shawn: Yes Grandpa.

Present Day

Henry: And what impenetrable stronghold did this missing person disappear from? {Shawn mumbles} Say again?
Shawn: Glorious Pines.
Henry: The old age home?
Shawn: It’s a retirement community.

Henry: My son, the super sleuth, can’t even get himself access to an old folks home.

Pamela: You two are brothers?
Shawn: Our father worked at Benetton.

Security Guard: I’ll be watching you.
Shawn: We’ll be getting watched.

Gus: You’re investigating this thing too?
Jervis Kent (Curtis Armstrong): Well of course I am! I have this theory based on formaldehyde and mind control.

Gus: What is that, your Indian blood?
Shawn: They were here first, Gus. Don’t ever forget that. Always hating on the Indians.
Gus: I’m not hating on the Indians, Shawn. I’m hating on you.

Shawn: Candy Striper? Really? I didn’t even know they made those uniforms for men.
Gus: They just started. There was a lawsuit.
Shawn: I’m just saying. Aim higher.

Student: Doctor, we still have a lot of patients to see.
Shawn: Well five minutes isn’t going to kill them. {silence} Is it?

Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, as always, it’s been an experience. You know where the exit is.

Shawn: Alright. At least that gives us the “how.” Now we just have to figure out the “why.” Which reminds me, Gus, will you please get us those tickets for The Who?
Gus: Where?