Rob-a-Bye Baby

1987

Henry: So then this guy with pliers comes in. Probably with safety goggles, maybe some sort of fire retardant coverall. He starts doing his thing. Twisting and turning. There’s all sorts of fluids just spraying all over the place. Then this hydraulic lift comes into play, wheeling everything out of there. And there you have it. Alright? Let’s clean up.
Shawn: Wait. That’s how babies are born?
Henry: Yes.
Shawn: With a hydraulic lift?
Henry: More or less, yeah.
Shawn: But how are they made?
Henry: Look Shawn, more important question. How many hats are in the room?

Present Day

Shawn: Do you realize what this means? It means we’re taking it to the next level. She said “big” and “top secret.” That’s two of our favorite 80s movies.

Shawn: Shotgun!
Gus: You can’t call shotgun on a blimp.
Shawn: You can call shotgun anywhere except a crowded movie.

Shawn: Look, Chief, with all due respect, I think our services are best utilized—
Chief Vick: Your services are best utilized by doing exactly what I say. You are not my first choice, Mr. Spencer. And I cannot stress how important this is. I. Need. Sleep.

The boys are researching nannies
Gus: What do you have?
Shawn: Something something… Lassiter’s case… Dude this blows with a capital z.

Shawn: Remember when you went on matchmaker.com?
Gus: You mean when you posted a profile of me without my knowledge?
Shawn: Right. And all the women who responded were complete freaks.
Gus: That’s because you said I was looking for a woman who was strong enough to hold me.
Shawn: I didn’t think they would take it literally.

Shawn: You know what’s not a good idea? Pineapple and movie theatre popcorn-flavored jelly beans. That’s disgusting.
Gus: Shawn, stop spitting. You’re scaring the children. {to a passing child} Hi. would you like some candy?
Shawn: I can’t say that I blame her. These are disgusting. I mean they’re really horrible. Why can’t I stop eating them?

Buzz McNab: Listen, I got a call about two creepy dudes hanging out on the playground.
Gus: Really? I haven’t seen anything. But I’ll keep my eyes open.
Shawn: We’ve just been here hanging out in the bushes. {beat} Oh boy.

Gus: This is so wrong, Shawn.
Shawn: That must be why it feels so good.

Shawn: So this is where Mr. Tea Time got steeped.
Gus: That doesn’t even make sense.
Shawn: Got brewed? Got tea-bagged!

Shawn: Alright, everybody out. The position’s been filled. Don’t drive angry.

Henry: It’s time to ‘fess up. What is really going on here?
Shawn: Alright, fine. There’s been a string of robberies in the Heights and I need to get a closer look at one of the houses that got robbed.
Henry: Why didn’t you just say so?
Shawn: Because it’s more fun to say kinkajou

Henry: That’s a stupid house to rob.
Shawn: Does anyone live up to your standards? Maybe we could get a hold of the burglar’s number and we can call, tell him how disappointed you are.

Henry: That house was chosen for a reason.
Shawn: “There can only be one.”
Henry: What?
Shawn: What? I thought we were doing lines from Highlander. My bad.
Henry: Let’s get out of here.
Shawn: Wait! That sensation you’re feeling. That is the Quickening
Henry: Everyone can do Connery. Your Lambert sucks.
Shawn: At least I have a Lambert.

Shawn: Come on, buddy, what do you say? A little cameo on My Two Dads?
Gus: That show was cancelled for a reason, Shawn. I’m sorry. You’re going to have to find someone else to co-parent.
Shawn: I was going to let you be Greg Evigan.

Gus: What are your opinions on verbalizing the baby?
Nanny: Oh my god, never. That’s disgusting.

Juliet: Fine I’ll do it. But only for the detective work. I don’t buy into this whole husband and kids thing. Marriage is just a contractual obligation that the state mandated centuries ago when wives were property. But if we are going to pretend, this is how our wedding would be.

Lassiter: Happy baby gift! {he hands her a Club}
Chief Vick: Ah. Thank you?
Juliet about her gift: It’s a mini-rattle. And also a low-calorie breath freshener.

Lassiter: Did anyone ever tell you you look like a puffer fish?

Shawn about his dad: You gotta admit, that man knows how to work a baby.