Psych Season 2

Psy vs. Psy


Lou Diamond Phillips

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Mr. Petlic: I’d be hard pressed to believe that a child of Shawn’s age could be capable of such detailed forgery.
Henry: Well you don’t know my son. No offense, but you are the vice principal of a middle school, not a handwriting expert. That testimony’s not going to hold up in court.
Mr. Petlic: Look, we’re not talking court. … Are we? You know, because if we were, you should know that I did take a handwriting personality course at the learning annex last summer. And I can tell by the way you turn your n-humps that you have a very open and child-like kindness about you. {Shawn snickers} I could be off on that.

Present Day

Shawn: Wait a minute. You’re not Lassie.
Special Agent Lars Ewing (Lou Diamond Phillips): Well I don’t know what a Lassie is, but I’m not it. I’m Special Agent Lars Ewing with the FTD.
Shawn: You’re a special florist?
Agent Ewing: Federal Treasury Department.
Shawn: We have a department the deals exclusively with treasures?

Shawn: Waiting for Godot? Guffman? Waiting to Exhale?
Lindsay Leikin: I’m not waiting to exhale.
Shawn: Shawn Spencer.
Lindsay Leikin: Lindsey Leikin.

Lassiter: Is that a recording device? Government issue?
Agent Ewing: Asking me if that is a recording device is like asking me if this is a pen.
Lassiter: Is that a pen?
Agent Ewing: That’s classified.

Leikin: This is going to be good. I’m going to solve this case and I’m going to prove you’re a fake.

Shawn: I’m sorry, is it just me or is this unbearably boring? I don’t how Ms. Leikin works, but Gus and I are going to investigate the body of the store and search for our culprit’s twisted, wretched, filthy aura. Because that is what serious psychics do.

Henry: What the hell are you doing up there?
Shawn: What does it look like I’m doing? We’re making a case. A federal one.
Henry: Oh. Oh of course you are. Well when you finish wrapping things up for the Pentagon, I want you at my house.

Shawn: Dad, I’m confused. These are plans for a wet bar.
Henry: That’s right. For entertaining.
Shawn: But I don’t see anywhere in the plans the portal into 1976.
Henry: Shawn, a wet bar happens to be a timeless home feature.

Gus: You’re still upset that Lindsay showed you up at the crime scene.
Shawn: What is her trick?
Gus: Maybe she’s just more psychic-y than you.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be ridiculous, there’s no such thing as psychics.

Lassiter: Those familiar with this sort of thing know that it’s the classic grift. See, essentially he traded forty-seven g’s of worthless paper for twenty-six in cold hard cash. I’ve seen it before.
Shawn: Where? In a Mamet play?

Gus: It takes nineteen hours to bake a pineapple upside-down cake?
Shawn: It does when it’s being heated by a sixty watt bulb.
Gus: It’s not upside-down, Shawn.

Shawn: You know, I might expect it from John Edwards. Maybe Miss Cleo. But not you.

Juliet about the washing machine: That’s a really cute front loader.
Agent Ewing: Thank you.

Lassiter: Woah! Touchy. I don’t know how you do it in Washington, but here? You don’t disturb the body until Forensics has a chance to come in, collect some evidence.
Chief Vick: Lassiter, ease up. We’re lucky if our psychic doesn’t lick the body.

Shawn: First of all—I and I think I can say this with a fair amount of certainty—there is definitely something not right about this cake.
Gus: Maybe because it was baked in a child’s oven.
Shawn: We’re talking about a deluxe Easy Bake Oven, Gus. I paid over three hundred dollars for it on eBay. This is hardly a toy!

Agent Ewing to Juliet: So, ah, do you have a MySpace page or something?

Leikin: This is ridiculous.
Shawn: Is it? It’s not like I’m wearing a giant moose costume.