Meat Is Murder, But Murder Is Also Murder
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Henry: Is that a hint of cinnamon I’m tasting?
Young Shawn: Oh yeah, just a little.
Henry: And I’m detecting just a touch of cilantro and… thyme. Am I right?
Young Shawn: Woah, Dad! You’re really sharp.
Henry: Yeah, I am. Gus? Wanna come out of the pantry?
Henry: Shawn, what have I told you a thousand times before?
Young Shawn: Don’t hide Gus in the pantry?
Henry: No! A lie always leads to more lies.
Present Day
Shawn: Jules just called. We’ve got a case. We should go.
Gus: You know, Shawn. Maybe you should handle this one yourself. There’s a first time for everything.
Shawn: First time for… what are you talking about?
Gus: Sorry, Shawn. I can’t make it.
Uncle Burton (John Amos): Oh for cryin’ out loud, Burton. The cops are handing you a case. You’ve gotta take it. You’re the only psychic detective they’ve got.
Shawn: That’s very funny, I—
Gus: Don’t speak.
Gus: I know what you’re thinking.
Shawn: Of coure you do. You’re a psychic detective.
Gus: Now everybody on my mom’s side of the family thinks that I’m a psychic detective. And you’re—
Shawn: Gay.
Gus: No!
Shawn: German?
Gus: No.
Shawn: Invisible.
Gus: My assistant, Shawn!
Shawn: Wow. This is…
Gus: I know. It’s a mess.
Juliet: Who’s this?
Gus: This is my uncle Burton from New Jersey. Shawn invited him.
Juliet: Very nice to meet you, Uncle… Burton?
Uncle Burton: His mom named him after me. It’s not a very common name but some of us still use it proudly.
Shawn: What is the problem here?
Gus: Stop playing, Shawn. You know I can’t do this.
Shawn: Yes, you can!
Gus: No, I can’t!
Shawn: You make some observations, you form a conclusion, and you reveal it to everybody in a ridiculous and/or roundabout way.
Shawn: Put your hand to your head. It really helps sell it.
Uncle Burton: This better be worth skipping dinner for.
Shawn: He’s a psychic wildebeest.
Shawn: He asked for chicken soup. That’s the ultimate “I’m feeling sick” meal. Except of course for a tub of bacon grease and hot dog water, but usually…
Uncle Burton: This psychic stuff can get a little wimpy, huh?
Shawn: At least he’s not doing it in a tutu and Capezios.
Shawn pantomimes the critic dying
Gus: That’s what killed… {Shawn taps his nose} his nose!
Shawn: Killed his nose? How do you kill a nose?!
Shawn: Shelia E tomato bark! Velvety shark toast! Shark toast!
Chief Vick: Is there something wrong with you, Mr Spencer?
Lassiter: You picked today to ask him that?
Shawn: The curvy A!
Gus: The curvy A? That doesn’t sound like a place that serves food, Shawn.
Gus: Why did you write on my hand?
Shawn: Why would I write on my own hand? This thing’s totally permanent.
Uncle Burton: I want to thank you for an incredible day, Burton. You’re a regular Rockford Files. {he shakes his hand, then leaves}
Gus: Did my uncle just thank me for an incredible day?
Shawn: More important question, how much TV does he watch?
Uncle Burton: Ask her some more questions. Maybe she’ll give us some cookies.
Gus: Do you remember this person’s name?
Mushroom Guy: Can’t say that I do. But I remember exactly what he looked like.
Gus: Can you give us a description?
Mushroom Guy: Yeah. Okay. The guy was about nine feet tall, right? He had sunshine coming out of his mouth, and he had a hippopotamus for a hand.
Gus: I don’t think I have any more questions.
Shawn: Yep. That’ll do it.
Shawn: This guy secretly fed beef to vegetarians. Why are we trying to get him out of jail?
Gus: Because he didn’t kill the critic.
Lassiter: This whack job is in violation of at least six different municipal codes and she smells like curly fries. I say we cut her loose, take her down. Where’s the restaurant manager?
Shawn: Probably inside managing the restaurant.
Lassiter: Copy that.