If You’re So Smart, Then Why Are You Dead?

1987

Henry: I’m still waiting, Shawn.
Young Shawn: Okay. I’m going to take your pointy sad-faced guy for my horsey—
Henry: Stop. Stop. What is this piece called?
Young Shawn: I call him Dwight.
Henry: What is this one called?
Young Shawn: B.A. Baracus.

Present Day

Shawn: I’m sensing that he always takes you out for lunch. That he never pays with a credit card, always cash.
Daphne: That’s right!
Shawn: I’m also sensing that you can only call him at the office or on his cellphone. Never ever at home.
Daphne: That’s dead end. {to Gus} You must get goosebumps being around him.
Gus: I get something.
Shawn: Daphne, I have good news and bad news. The good news is he’s not seeing someone else. The bad news: he’s married.

Goddard: …to hack into a space probe to see if we could get it to blink a word in Morse Code.
Shawn: What word?
Both: Boobs.
Gus: You went through all that trouble just to get some NASA techs to scratch their heads?
Shawn: Come on, Gus. That’s kind of funny.

Shockley: The voice said something like, “I’m not going to be pushed into a corner again.”
Shawn: Are you sure it wasn’t dirty dancing?

Shockley: Guys. Can you help us?
Shawn: Is a lizard skin dry and cracked? {they confer}
Goddard: We believe that it is.

Juliet: Today is our anniversary.
Lassiter: Come again?
Juliet: It’s been one year to the day that I came to Santa Barbara and we got partnered up.
Lassiter: Hm. I didn’t get you a present.

Juliet: I think I’m entitled to be primary on a case.
Lassiter: How late are the shops open tonight?

Shawn: Clearly we have to get inside. What’s our cover going to be? Wait, I’ve got it. {to Gus} You’re the preppy jerk who’s dating the girl I’m in love with. I’m the lonely cafeteria guy who mows lawns and has a heart of gold.
Gus: Let it go, Shawn. You can’t pass for a teenager.
Goddard: Yeah. He’s right. You’ve got rhytides around the eyes.
Shawn: What did he just say to me?
Shockley: Crows Feet. Do you squint or make funny faces a lot?

Lassiter: Lesson number two: cops don’t wait in line, they head straight to the front. Even at Starbuck’s.

Lassiter: What do you say?
Juliet: Hm? Oh. Right. Stay out of our way and don’t get involved, Spencer!

Shawn poking through Lost & Found: Who loses a microscope and doesn’t come looking for it?

Shawn: He sounds like our guy. Now we just gotta figure out how and why he’s gonna kill somebody.
Hahn: And one more thing: if you are late picking me up in the morning I will tear your head off.
Shawn: Maybe just the how.

Goddard: Any leads? I’m adapting this into a Nancy Drew fanfic.

Shockley: We made notes for you. Bullet points you might wanna try and hit. Don’t show any fear.
Goddard: Don’t split any infinitives.
Shockley: Don’t dangle your participles.
Gus: At least not in public.
Shawn: Look. If I understood what you guys were saying… I’d still be a virgin.

Juliet: You delegate this background stuff all the time. To me, usually. Almost always when I have dinner plans.

Lassiter: O’Hara, you are drunk with power.
Juliet: I know! Isn’t it great?

Gus: I got in. I applied. And I got in.
Shawn: That means a lot, buddy. You’d rather stay with your best friend than, you know, have a future.
Gus: No, Shawn. It says parents of the applicant refused admission.

Lassiter: That was what I call lowercase mad. You need to be uppercase mad.

Goddard: You two aren’t really acquainted with game theory or prisoner’s dilemma, are you?
Juliet: Hm?
Shockley: He means you two don’t really get the good cop-bad cop diad.

Goddard: This computer is ancient. I didn’t realize ColecoVision was still in business.

Juliet: I’ve got it. Kirk Gödel.
Shawn: Gödel. It’s almost pronounced like “girdle” because of the omelette on the o.
Juliet: I’m pretty sure that’s an umlaut.
Shawn: I’ve heard it both ways.

Shawn: Circle your horses, Jules. We’re about to crack your case like an egg. And then we’ll make some umlauts. With shallots. And justice.

Juliet: Anything else I need to learn?
Lassiter: There’s one last lesson. Forget all the other lessons and know that you’re a good cop.