Black and Tan: A Crime of Fashion

1987

Henry: Shawn. Where’s that nice new sweater vest your mom just put on you for picture day?
Young Shawn: Oh yeah… that. It wasn’t working for us. We chose the Knight Rider shirt instead. Mom loves Kitt.
Henry: You know how a cop distinguishes when somebody’s lying?
Young Shawn: When it sounds like that?
Henry: Go upstairs, put the vest back on.

Present Day

Gus: I am not working.
Shawn: I know you aren’t.
Gus: I do not work on my birthday.
Shawn: I think you’ve made your position clear on that.
Gus: Then tell me where we’re going.
Shawn: That’s not how a surprise works.

Shawn: Just check your list.
Doorman: Holy crap, it is you. Sorry for the mix-up, Tan.
Shawn: I beg your pardon? My name is Black. His name is Tan. I can’t believe you just made that assumption. You should be ashamed of yourself and your family.

Gus: What do you think? Should I pull out the Cheetah?
Shawn: The Cheetah is the worst name for a pick-up move in the history of mankind. Remember the rule. Treat a woman like a person. Then a princess. Then a Greek goddess. Then a person again. Besides, I think Operation Colonel Sugarlemons is a much better move for a place like this.

Bryan Frou (Corey Sevier): You expect us to believe that you model?
Shawn: What, that’s hard to believe? What, me and by bro here aren’t worthy of leering into a camera lens or Blue Steeling it up occasionally?
Hassenfeffer (Jilon Ghai): Your bro? Of course. His features are immaculate. But you. Not so much.
Shawn: What? What are you, insane? Help me out here, Tan.
Gus: He’s a foot model.

Lassiter: Why am I suprised?
Shawn: Usually it’s because—
Lassiter: Just tell me if you’ve seen anything.

Henry: She’s… what would you call her, non-descript?
Shawn: Non-descript? I’ve never heard a woman described that way unless she was a robbery suspect.

Lassiter: You don’t remember where you were this afternoon?
Hassenfeffer: It was yellow. And boring.

Gus: I wonder if it looks like the loft in Head Over Heels.
Shawn: You—and only you—can confirm that.

Shawn: Alright, what do we know about Emily Bloom?
Gus: Well, she wrote Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret and Freckle Juice.
Shawn: I think that was Judy Blume.

Shawn: Chief, I cannot get involved in some sort of soap opera starring my father.

Henry: Should I take her to Crabshack Willie’s or the Third Wharf?
Shawn: Those can’t possibly be real places.

Henry: The fish and chips is actually pretty good.
Susan (Amanda Pays): I’ve been craving meat lately.
Henry: In that case the prime rib is actually pretty good.
Susan pulling out a six-pack: BYOB. Help yourself.

Juliet: I am a woman, Chief, and I am choosing to dress like one.
Lassiter: You can’t do that.

Susan: Would you like me to butter your biscuit?
Henry: Excuse me?

Gus: We’re not gonna solve this thing tonight, Shawn.
Shawn: I know part of it. I might even know two-thirds of it. Dude, I could totally go up there.
Gus: But you won’t Shawn.
Lassiter: Alright, Spencer, we did a rush tox screen on Emily.
Juliet: You were right.. She had the same poison in her system as Ciaobella but in a much high dose.
Shawn: I definitely know two-thirds of it!
Gus: Stop it, Shawn. Don’t do it. Don’t just get up there and start winging it. That’s not how we operate.
Shawn: Dude, where have you been for the last two years?

Shawn: I know this may be hard for some of you to believe, but I’m not really Black.