Psych Season 3

Murder?… Anyone?… Anyone?… Bueller?

2008.07.25    

Chris Gauthier  Rachael Leigh Cook

Present Day

Gus: Who put the orange slices in the punch bowl already? They’ll be soggy by the time everyone gets here. This is a disaster, people!
Shawn: Yep. First typhoid fever, now this.
Gus: Shawn, this night has been thirteen years in the making. Everything has to go perfectly. What I need from you is your support and your cooperation. Not your sarcasm and mockery.
Shawn: Alright, fine. Let me know when I can mock. ‘Cause I’m ready to mock.

Gus: Shawn, that isn’t you, is it?
Shawn: No it isn’t.
Gus: It’s Judd Nelson, isn’t it?
Shawn: Yes it is. And it’s sweet sweet nice. Woah. Look who just rolled in. Molly Ringwald and Andrew McCarthy. From Fresh Horses.

Shawn: Dude. You didn’t tell me Abigail Lytar was coing.
Gus: Oh yeah.
Shawn: I should say hello.

Shawn: Abigail Lytar.
Abigail Lytar (Rachael Leigh Cook): Judd Nelson.
Shawn: In the flesh.
Abigail: I loved you in From the Hip.

Shawn: Did you see that?
Abigail: What, is somebody getting their lunch money stolen?
Shawn: I think it’s a little bigger than that.

Gus: Are you doing this to me on purpose? Are you fabricating some kind of foul play just to mess up the night for me?
Shawn: Yes, I am. I killed someone here at our high school reunion, just to foil your thirteen year retrospective of best pep rally moments.
Gus: Do you even know what a pep captain is, Shawn?
Shawn: It’s a male cheerleader I believe.
Gus: It’s a leader among men, Shawn! A leader among men.
Shawn: Who cheers. I saw Bring It On.
Abigail: Oh wait, I get it. You guys are dating. You’re together. Everything makes sense.
Gus: We are not dating.
Shawn: Are you kidding me? He was voted most likely to succeed. He’s gonna date me?

Gus: No body, no crime, Shawn.
Shawn: Gus! Buddy!
Gus: No body, no crime!

Gus: Lassie. What are you doing at our reunion?
Lassiter: Well first off, of course it had to be yours. ‘Cause that’s my luck. Secondly, I’m on a date.
Shawn: Well we’re on a case and you’re on it with us.
Lassiter: Not tonight, I’m not.
Gus: On a date? With a person?
Lassiter: Yes, with a person!

Gus: Who goes to someone else’s class reunion when they barely even know you?
Shawn: Who goes to Ravi Shankar concert?

Shawn: Mindy, it’s official. You’ve won bitchiest banana.

Lassiter: Let me impart to you a little police wisdom we like to throw around down at the station: no body, crime.
Shawn: What, do you guys put that on a t-shirt?
Lassiter: Fine. Who did it and why?
Shawn: I don’t know, but… I don’t know.

Earlie (Chris Gauthier): Women. Absolutely nothing but heartache, man.
Neil: All they want is the ring, man. They won’t stop ’til they get the ring.
Shawn: Dude, I could not have said it better myself. Maybe clearer. But I agree. And just like you guys, I hope to kiss one. Someday.
Earlie: Exactly. you know, dude, you’re just like us. Marginally employed, single, never been married. I mean, you get it!

Shawn: Okay, what are you wearing?
Juliet: What? You said you were on a case and there were possible criminal suspects down here that might get spooked by cops snooping around.
Shawn: Yeah, but what are you wearing? This is a reunion, not a prom. I need you to fit in.
Juliet: What, this? This isn’t a prom dress.
Shawn: It looks like a prom dress. It’s a little poofy.
Juliet: It doesn’t poof! There’s no poof.
Shawn: There’s slight poof.

Shawn: Who hasn’t seen The Breakfast Club?
Juliet: Mm.

Henry: There’s so much crap. What is all this stuff?
Madeleine: It’s your life.
Henry: This is not my life.
Madeleine: Well it’s stuff from your life anyway. I boxed it all up because I figured one day you’d want to look at it again when you’re old and crotchety.
Henry: Yeah, well I just want to dump it all.
Madeleine: Which in your case would be today.

Shawn: Will you please leave? I’m sure the non-descript blazer rental place is about to close.

Lassiter seeing Mindy’s meds: Well that figures.

Gus: What are those?
Shawn: Just a copy of every key in the school. By the end of senior year I managed to become a member of the Transamerican Western Custodial Union Local 456. Don’t hold me to this, but I believe I still have voting privileges.

Henry: I think I’m going to take a look around. You wanna join me?
Madeleine: That depends. Do you have a hall pass?
Henry: Are you kidding? I used to own these halls.

Shawn: Assuming that Parker Stevenson had never been born, have you ever seen a very attractive man solve a crime before?
Abigail: I did see John Cusack prevent a jaywalking once.

Gus: So what? Now you’re saying that Howie and Eileen are the killers?
Shawn: Yep.
Gus: Wasn’t Howie the victim at one point?
Shawn: Gus, that is so forty minutes ago. I bet you’re still telling your friends to chillax.
Gus: Shawn. Why would two people who just killed someone be so casual? Smiling. Dancing.
Shawn: I agree. It is both surreal and disturbing to watch two murderers do the Cabbage Patch.

Shawn: Gus, don’t be an incorrigible Eskimo Pie with a caramel ribbon. It doesn’t matter what these people think of you. But—and I put this out there as a challenge to you—you really want to show them that you’ve lived up to your potential? Help me solve this case, please. Come on! How many of our classmates are out there solving a murder tonight? Huh? A handful? Maybe? You could be one of them.

Shawn: Ducky!
Gus: What?
Shawn: Dude. We’ve been looking in the wrong John Hughes movie. This isn’t Breakfast Club. Or Curly Sue. Or Mr. Mom. And it certainly isn’t Flubber.
Gus: Why’re you hating on Flubber?
Shawn: I’m not hating on Flubber.
Gus: I’m not following.
Shawn: What do all the best John Hughes movies have in common? A love triangle. There’s always a Ducky.

Shawn: Life is not made up of a single moment. It’s made up of a gazillion moments. What defines us is the choice you make in the next one. And the one after that.

Shawn: Good talk, Dad. I gotta run. {he pauses} Actually, there is one more thing. Do you think I could borrow your underpants? Just for like ten minutes?
Henry: No.
Shawn: Oh come on! We’re already in the car! These are, these are iconic film references I’m making tonight!

Chief Vick: Where were you at, the prom?
Juliet: Why would you say that?
Chief Vick: Because you’re wearing a prom dress.

Chief Vick: Oh and by the way, whatever it is you’re really working on? You’re not getting paid for this.

Lassiter: Three arrests in one night. Not bad. Please tell me you have the body.
Shawn: It’s the furry saber cat. Offstage.

Shawn: Tonight, for instance, all I could see were scenes from Pretty in Pink, a giant rhombus and a t-shirt that read “Soccer Moms are Easy.”

Madeleine: Oh Henry, we must have done something right.
Henry: That was all you.

Shawn: The truth is, Abigail, I think I liked you too much. And somewhere in the back of my head, I knew what that night might mean and even how my life could be different now if I hadn’t let you walk away. But this is a different moment now.

Gus: Dear Leland Bosseigh High Administrative Board, We accept that you’re withholding our deposit of fifteen hundred dollars for damages. We also accept that you just see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms. In the most convenient definitions. A snarky psychic. An uptight pharmaceutical salesman. A pretty female blonde detective. And a not-so-pretty, unusually lanky detective. But each of us is all those things. Plus, our normal fee for solving a murder in one meaningful evening is twice that. So enclosed is a bill for three thousand dollars. Please remit payment in the form of a check made out simply to Psych.