Lassie Did a Bad, Bad Thing

1987

Henry: Turn around. {he places a blindfold over Shawn’s eyes}
Young Shawn: Oo. Did you get me a pinata?
Henry: Nope.
Young Shawn: Pepsi Challenge?
Henry: Nope.
Young Shawn: Am I being executed?

Present Day

Shawn: The weather has dampened my psychic powers, but I am sensing something big is about to come through that door.
Juliet: Huge! We just got a call from lassiter. He arrested Ernesto Ramon Chavez twenty minutes ago. He is the second-in-command of the Cinco Reyes.
Shawn: So he plays the big guitar in the Mariachi band.

Shawn: Combos. Different story. They are both pretzels and cheese. And if you get one without cheese, that means the bag is haunted.

Gus: Shawn, will you get serious? Lassiter just shot a guy!
Shawn: Don’t be ridiculous. He didn’t kill anyone. His finger wasn’t even on the trigger.

Shawn: Chief, we need to speak.
Chief Vick: No, we don’t.
Shawn: The spirit world is abuzz and my psychic vibes indicate—nay, insist—that Lassiter did not shoot Chavez.
Gus: I mean we all knew that he would shoot somebody someday.
IA: So you think he’s capable of it?
Shawn: No, he doesn’t. At most Lassiter would plant evidence.

Gus: I’m still not convinced, Shawn. How can you be absolutely certain that Lassiter didn’t shoot Chavez?
Shawn: It’s relatively easy, Gus. I decided to be and therefore I am. Socrates said that.
Gus: That was Rene Descartes.
Shawn: That was the cologne we wore in high school.
Gus: That was Drakar Noir.
Shawn: No, that is a wine.
Gus: That’s pinot noir.

Gus: Anyway. We’re glad to see you. What are you doing here?

Shawn: You really want to know my process?
Lassiter: Absolutely.
Shawn: It usually starts with a “holla!” and ends with a Creamsicle.
Gus: And if there’s time in between, Thundercats!
Lassiter: I’m dead.

Gus: Did you know that before he stabbed a guy he was a life coach?
Shawn: Who would hire him as a life coach?
Gus: The guy he stabbed.

Shawn: Lassie, what’s going on here?
Lassiter: Oh let’s see. My partner’s moved on, my career’s in shambles and even sweet lady Justice has abandoned me. That bitch.

Shawn: Dad, I think this was an inside job.
Henry: You stop right there, Shawn. You do not throw accusations like that around. Do you understand?
Shawn: Well think about it. Kenny Loggins saw the shooter but was too afraid to ID him. Now who would he fear most?
Henry: Kenny Loggins was in the next cell? Was Jim Messina in there with him?
Shawn: Who’s Jim Messina?
Gus: A different Kenny Loggins.

Dremer: Shut up.
Shawn: I like the sound of my own voice and I won’t apologize for that.

Shawn: I can’t believe you thought that text was actually from me. It lacked all nuance, my signature mocking tone, and was completely devoid of emoticons.

Lassiter: I do have something for you. More of a token, really.
Shawn: Get out of this station!
Gus: Wow. Free chips with any sandwich purchase at Hal’s Hoagies.
Shawn: Lassie, there aren’t words.
Lassiter: It’s the least I could do.
Gus: Yes, it is.