Ghosts

1995

Teen Shawn (James Roday): I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask for that World’s Greatest Dad mug back.
Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): Oh just keep talking, Shawn.
Teen Shawn: You keep talking.
Henry: Oh don’t worry, I will. Like when I read you your rights.
Teen Shawn: Oo. I have rights. That’ll be new and fun.
Henry: What am I going to tell your mother?
Teen Shawn: I don’t know. You think you can get a hold of her new phone number?
Henry: I hope it was worth it, smartass. This officially ends your chance of being a cop.
Teen Shawn: Let’s be honest. I gave up wanting to be like you a long time ago.
Henry: That’s it! Somebody, book him. You! Beanpole. Get over here, fingerprint him now.
Young Lassiter (Timothy Omundson): Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Me?
Henry: Never mind, rookie. I’ll do it myself.

Present Day

Shawn Spencer (James Roday): Dude, I’m freaking out. You’ve got to help me.
Burton “Gus” Guster (Dulé Hill): What’s wrong?
Shawn: My mom’s here.
Gus: She’s back in the country?
Shawn: Back in the country? Try back in the city. Try downstairs in my dad’s kitchen.
Gus: Where are you?
Shawn: Hiding out in my bedroom. Oh my god. Holy crap! I just found an entire unopened box of shrinky dinks.
Gus: You’re hiding in your bedroom because your mom came to visit? Dude, you’ve got problems.

Shawn: Oh my god. Dude, did you know I had a furby?

Gus: Shawn, I have no time for this. I have my own problems. I have to go see Frankjim Ogletree.
Shawn: Frankjim Ogletree? Is that a person or a hippopotamus?
Gus: He’s the new regional sales manager. My immediate boss. And a tyrant. They call him the Little Pinochet.
Shawn: That’s too abstract. Why don’t they call him Jerk Pants or Suck McJones?
Gus: They’re MIT guys, Shawn.

Shawn: I didn’t even know Walmart had a wine cellar.

Frank Ogletree (Todd Stashwick): Are you familiar with the exclusivity clause in your contract? It means we don’t allow second jobs.
Gus: Jobs? No, no. Psych is more like community service. And it never affects my work.
Frank Ogletree: This photo was taken Thursday night. I noticed that you signed out early that day.
Gus: At least I signed out.

Gus: What is this?
Ogletree: It’s a termination notice. Or you could quit your other job. You tell me. {Gus sets down the letter} Good choice.

Madeleine Spencer (Cybill Shepherd): Shawn, you don’t have to walk me through the whole building. I used to have quite a few sessions here. This is where I met your father
Shawn: I know. I heard the story. It was an evaluation after he shot some drug dealer.
Madeleine: He told you that? He twisted his ankle doing security for the Cinnamon Festival.

Lassiter: You wanted to see me, Chief?
Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): Yes. It has come to my attention, Detective, that you have discharged your weapon in the last four cases you’ve worked.
Lassiter: Thank you.
Chief Vick: That wasn’t a compliment.

Chief Vick: I’ve requested a department-sanctioned psychologist to come here and have a session or two with you.
Lassiter: I’m going to have to say no.
Chief Vick: That wasn’t a question.
Lassiter: Could you phrase it like one?

Shawn: I have worked out a compromise that will solve all of this.
Gus: Really?
Shawn: Yes. You quit this job—this job you quit! We take on extra cases to make up the difference in salary.
Gus: I make forty-eight grand a year, Shawn.
Shawn: What is that, Yen? Who needs forty-eight thousand dollars to live?
Gus: I need thirty-two. The other sixteen generally goes to you.
Shawn: Don’t be ridiculous.
Gus: I claimed you on my taxes, Shawn!

Shawn: Gus, I’m not budging until we make this nice.
Gus: Alright. You asked for it.
Shawn: Asked for what? {Gus tries to force him out}
Gus: Don’t you dare go boneless on me, Shawn!

Lassiter: Where’s the bug?
Madeleine: The what?
Lassiter: The bug. {checking the table} Nothing new in this area. It must be concealed on your person.
Madeleine: I honestly don’t have anything on me.
Lassiter: Then you wouldn’t be opposed to me patting you down.
Madeleine: Actually I’m very opposed to that.

Shawn: She made me a pannekoeken. It’s like a pancake, but the size of a manhole cover.

Juliet “Jules” O’Hara (Maggie Lawson): So. How did it go?
Lassiter: I’m winning.
Juliet: How are you winning?
Lassiter: I answered every question in character as Tom “Gunney” Highway.
Juliet: Who is Tom “Gunny” Highway?
Lassiter: Clint Eastwood’s character? In Heartbreak Ridge?
Juliet: It’s not a contest, Carlton.
Lassiter: Don’t kid yourself O’Hara.

Shawn: Tastes like it was dipped straight out of Willy Wonka’s river.
Gus: Would you get serious?
Shawn: Well he’s not the most gracious host you know. If he had just offered I wouldn’t have to ask.

Shawn: That dog is kind of an a-hole.
Gus: It sees something.
Shawn: Yeah. Urine stains on my pants.

Gus: So what do we do now?
Shawn: I think we stay here. We close the blinds, we lock the doors, we call it a night. Del Taco? Del Taco.
Gus: No. not me. I’m going out there.
Shawn: Are you kidding me?
Gus: Shawn. This is what we do.

Shawn: Dude. Hear me: don’t ever ever put dry ice in your mouth. Doesn’t matter how well you wrap it up.

Shawn: It was pretty simple, really. I even visited Alice Bundy in prison to get a few pointers.

Lassiter: Wow. Oh wow. I poured out to you secrets even I didn’t know I have.

Paul Haversham (Christopher McDonald): What’s your game?
Shawn: I have two games. Red Rover and lawn darts. But we’d need at least four for the most rudimentary game of Rover. And they don’t make lawn darts anymore. Too dangerous. But that’s not why I’m here.

Haversham: So what is this now, a shakedown?
Shawn: Oh there’s no shakedown. I’m just telling you what I know. I’m a psychic. And with great power comes great responsibility. And that responsibility I share with Gus. All we want is the opportunity to continue doing our work.
Haversham: Just between us?
Shawn: I’m a psychic. I can’t lie.

Madeleine: What happened?
Shawn: When?
Madeleine: Between you two.
Shawn: Mom, that is a veritable lifetime of conversations.

Madeleine: What happened? Don’t mince words.
Shawn: With Dad? Look, we were both there. You know. We don’t need to revisit the past.
Madeleine: Maybe we do.
Shawn: Look, I’m not sure I want to forgive him for what happened.
Madeleine: The divorce?
Shawn: It wasn’t what happened, Mom. It was the way that it happened. I mean, let’s call it what it was. He left us. He left you. He ended up with the house and he left you by yourself to pick up the pieces. That’s not exactly what I call hero material, you know?
Madeleine: Shawn. I left him.

Madeleine: I thought of all people that you would be okay. And I am so sorry.