Game, Set… Muuurder?
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Henry: You both know that I have a partner on the force, right?
Young Gus and Shawn: Yes sir.
Henry: Well we couldn’t do our job if we didn’t trust each other completely. There are rules to our partnership and they are the same rules to our friendship. Even Battleship. But those rules don’t work without what?
Young Gus and Shawn: Trust sir.
Present Day
Shawn: That’s funny, it sounded like someone just said “sharing stick.” Dude, get out of there!
Gus: I have no choice. I hate the stupid sharing stick! But I couldn’t get out of this even if I wanted to.
Shawn: I’ve taken care of that already.
Shawn: Mr. Sirtis, the spirits can be… bashful. Sometimes grumpy. Sleepy. Dopey.
Gus: Shawn.
Shawn: Sneezy.
Gus: Shawn!
Shawn: What I’m saying is, they won’t talk to me unless no one’s in the room except myself and my compatriot.
Gus: That’s me.
Gus: Cameras in her room? Can you say control freak?
Shawn: Can you say “typical sports dad”?
Shawn: Ah yes. Jessica Chan. And how long was eternity for the two of you?
Gus: Three months. But they were awesome months. Except for the end part.
Shawn: Right. I’ve never seen a girl lie about entering the witness protection program.
Gus: She wasn’t lying, Shawn.
Shawn: Gus, I saw her at Starbucks.
Gus: You can’t be sure of that.
Shawn: She was wearing a nametag. She had a plaque on the wall. Employee of the Month. Her hobbies were hiding and lying about hiding.
Shawn: We find the mystery lover, we find her.
Gus: Dude, why don’t I ever get to say stuff like that?
Gus: This is my Airwolf windbreaker. I’ve been looking for this for like five years now. Why’d you take this? I never even seen saw you wear it!
Shawn: I didn’t take it to wear it. I took it so you wouldn’t.
Shawn: What just happened here?
Gus: I think your dad just made his first play date.
Eve: You know what her weakness was?
Shawn: Kittens?
Eve: Focus! All she ever thought about was boys.
Eve about Deanna: Just watch. In five years she’ll be knocked up and living in government-assisted housing.
Shawn: It’s good to see the game hasn’t hardened you.
Gus: What happened here?
Juliet: This isn’t a missing persons case anymore. It’s attempted murder.
Gus: Why does she get to say stuff like that?
Chief Vick: Unless you can give us something more substantial, Mr. Spencer, we’re going to continue the manhunt for Felix Alvarez.
Shawn: Manhunt? Hey, I can project Tommy Lee Jones from The Fugitive, if you’d like. “I want a hard target search for every outhouse, penthouse, henhouse, waffle house, House, MD!” House of Long Shadows?
Shawn: I worked on the mono-theo-huxtable drug. It’s for pancake-reatic function.
Gus: Pancreatic.
Shawn: Actually, no. Burton. It was pancake.
Gus: Really?
Shawn: Yes. There are properties in the batter that help to stabilize the ions we were working with.
Woman: I never heard of that project.
Shawn: It was a great drug. But it caused headaches. Stomaches. Toothaches. Weight gain, weight loss. Balding. Severe oily bowel discharge. And in very rare cases it made you pee fire.
Tom: Wow.
Shawn: Given what we already know, does she know her attacker?
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: Does that mean when she wakes up she can ID him?
Gus: She ID’s him and the case is closed. Where’s the downside?
Shawn: Except for the bad guy would know the victim can wake up and point the finger at him. {Gus stops him}
Gus dramatically: He’ll find her and finish her off.
Shawn: You’re just not landing it.
Tom: Why was an eighty-seven-year-old woman with a broken hip attending a line dancing class?
Gus: Attending it? She was teaching it.
Felix Alvarez: I don’t even think about her anymore.
Lassiter: Yeah, see, that’s what all the crazy stalkers say.
Shawn: The raven crows only at midnight. Dusk is for the rooster’s cackle.
Juliet: What?
Shawn: Jules, that’s your cue to cackle.
Juliet: Shawn, I don’t have a cackle in my repertoire.
Shawn: Well you called for this secret meeting, we should use code speak in case people are listening.
Shawn: Look, without protection you might as well just send the killer an invitation saying, “Hey! Come on back, finish the job.” {pause} I wonder if they make invitations for that kind of thing.
Juliet: I don’t see why not. You can send an evite for anything.
Shawn: This is true.
Juliet: One more thing: roosters don’t cackle.
Shawn: I beg your pardon.
Juliet: They cock-a-doodle-doo.
Henry: Now let’s go to the second crime scene. To the apartment where she was found.
Shawn: Can we stop and get donuts?
Henry: Shawn. Focus.
Shawn: Gus, what time do you have?
Gus: Where’s your watch at?
Shawn: It’s a key tanning month.
Shawn: You know what? I’m starting to wonder if you have serious trust issues with me.
Gus: Really?
Shawn: Yes! First you wouldn’t do the minefield. Now you won’t lay on the floor and pretend to be an unconscious woman—for me. What’s going on with you?
Gus: Two words. Airwolf windbreaker.
Shawn: Okay. Two more. Airwolf windbreaker.
Gus: Battleship.
Shawn: Dude, that was like a million years ago.
Gus: I’m just saying.
Shawn: I never cheated again.
Shawn: Now the landlord’s statement said the body was here in a supine position. So. Please. If you will.
Gus: Sure. Just… tell me what supine means.
Landlord: What the heck’s going on?
Shawn: Nothing.
Landlord: Nothing? Is that guy dead?
Shawn: Now you’ve seen too much.
Landlord: I didn’t see anything.
Shawn: Yeah, you did. You’re in this just as deep as I am now. We’re going to have to work together.
Landlord: Okay.
Shawn: I assume this building has an incinerator, yeah?
Landlord: Yeah.
Shawn: Okay. We just have to chop up the body, and, ah, put the limbs in little plastic baggies. The torso we’re going to have to melt down of course.
Gus jumping up: Okay, I’ve heard enough.
Gus: So. The prophecy’s been fulfilled.
Shawn: Hm. {pause} What? What are you talking about? What prophecy?
Gus: Nothing, I just figured it was finally my chance to say something dramatic.
Tom: Lizzie makes a fondue that would knock your socks off. Block of cheese as big as a housecat. We’re gonna melt it down and gobble it up!