From the Earth to Starbucks

1987

Young Shawn: I need eighty cents.
Henry: No you don’t. You need to put back two of those extra candybars that you just picked up.
Young Shawn: Dad, you don’t understand! I can’t put back one of these. That’d be like saying one of these candybars is less worthy than the others. And I can’t play those kinds of favorites.
Henry: Alright, enjoy your dilemma. In the meantime, don’t drag Gus into it.
Young Gus: Thanks, Mr. Spencer.
Henry: No problem.
Young Shawn: Switch places with me!
Young Gus: No.
Young Shawn: Why not?
Young Gus: ‘Cause then you’ll try to take whatever money I have left.
Young Shawn: And when have I tried to do that to you?
Young Gus: Wednesday and Saturday.
Henry: Monday.
Young Shawn: Gosh you guys have scary memories.

Twenty Charmed Years Later

Jessica (Nicole Lyn): I hope you don’t mind being a rebound.
Shawn: Ah, I usually prefer it. But not in this case.
Jessica: Why not?
Shawn: Primarily because he’s not cheating on you. Look, he took your jewelry because he’s trying to figure out your ring size. He took you to Tiffany’s to buy that fancy necklace because he’s really trying to scope out what stones and settings you like.

Shawn: Lassie?
Lassiter: Spencer! Why am I surprised?
Shawn: Why are you wasted?

Lassiter: Listen, there is something I have got to get off my chest.
Shawn: Is it your shirt? Please say no.
Lassiter: You astound me.
Shawn: Come again?
Lassiter: It’s beyond astounding. It is some of the most impressive reasoning I’ve ever seen.
Shawn: Is there a punchline coming? Let’s get to it.
Lassiter: I don’t know how you do it. I mean it’s not psychicness. I mean we both know that’s a crock of crap. You sir, are unstoppable. Guaranteed arrests.
Shawn: What’s happening here?

Lassiter: Can I tell you a secret?
Shawn: I wouldn’t recommend it, no.
Lassiter: You know how everyone thinks my wife and I have been separated for nine months?
Shawn: Yes.
Lassiter: Two years. Two years tonight. And I’m the one who keeps trying to fix the thing.

Lassiter: You know I used to be a good cop. Seriously. Stunning arrest record. It was one of the best in the department. I caught the Back Bay Killer.
Shawn: Yes you did. I remember it well.
Lassiter: Although I had a tip.
Shawn: The blue sedan.
Lassiter: Yeah. That was you?
Shawn: It… might have been.

Lassiter: I have officially hit rock bottom. A month ago I got this case, right? A healthy 42-year-old astronomer dies. Doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, spends all day in an ergonomically-designed chair charting the night sky. “Natural causes”, that’s what the coroner comes back with. Does a full autopsy, no red flags, nothing. I know he was murdered, I just can’t…
Shawn: What? What is this?
Lassiter: Prove it! The department won’t even let me pursue it.
Shawn: Come on. You’ll figure it out.
Lassiter: No. I won’t. I can’t, and I’ve accepted that.

Jessica: I just got engaged! Thank you! I got engaged! {she runs off}
Shawn: I’ll never ever see you again. Bye!

Shawn: Okay, so you were not at Tom Blair’s Pub last night?
Lassiter: I don’t even know who Tom Blair is.
Shawn: Mm hm. And how’d you get that sweet bruise on your forehead?
Lassiter: I had an altercation.
Shawn: Yes. With a table.

Shawn: Okay, we gotta solve that case.
Gus: What case?
Shawn: The one Lassiter can’t solve.
Gus: He’s going to hire us for a case?
Shawn: Oh god no. He’d never do that.
Gus: So we won’t get paid?
Shawn: Exactly!
Gus: Then we’re just doing it for the glory?
Shawn: Nope. We give Lassiter all the credit. In fact I don’t even think he can know we’re helping him.
Gus: Dude! That’s a good idea, Shawn. I ditch out of work on the day we release three new products to spend time on an unsolvable case in whic we won’t get paid and someone else gets the credit.
Shawn: That quite honestly is some of the best nutshelling I’ve ever heard.

Mary Vallery: I’m sorry, something is really bugging me. Your name is Lassiter too?
Shawn: Yes, that’s correct. Carlton Lassiter.
Mary Vallery: But you’re not affiliated with the detective Carlton Lassiter who I met before?
Shawn: Not in any way, shape or form. Different department. Matter of fact I spell my name with a K. Two of them.

Juliet: Shawn. Come clean.
Shawn: I would like to solve this case for Lassiter.
Juliet: He’ll never allow it.
Shawn: That’s why he can’t know I’m involved. I figure I can guide him through this thing. Right? Build him up. Get him back on his feet again.
Juliet: You’re serious?
Shawn: Yeah.
Juliet: Why?
Shawn: I just feel like he really needs this. I mean look at him.
Juliet: Okay, I’m in.
Shawn: You’re what?

Gus: While you were out drinking last night and taking on free cases I was up half the night dreaming about whether the gelcaps are more effective than the tablets!
Shawn: First of all: tablets. Always tablets. That’s a given. Secondly: I’ve been having this reoccurring dream where I’m flying over Auckland on the back of a swan made primarily of cocoa. His name is Clem. But your dream is pretty interesting too. And thirdly: I guarantee you that after you hear this reason you will definitely want to take this case.
Gus: I doubt it, but give it a shot.
Shawn: The victim was an astronomer. Yeah, the guy died while he was working the night sky at the obervatory.
Gus: What would make you think that would matter?
Shawn: Oh come on! I know you go down to the space center.
Gus: That’s preposterous, Shawn.
Shawn: Thursdays.
Gus: I’m never down—.
Shawn: In the afternoon, usually around two.
Gus: Have you been following me?
Shawn: Maybe. Sometimes.

Not Thursday

Gus: What are you doing, Shawn?
Shawn: What are “we” doing? We’re undercover.
Gus: We are not undercover.
Shawn: Sure we are. I’m the employee, you’re the customer.
Gus: I am the customer.
Shawn: See, you’re already in character. Like Don Cheadle!