Cloudy, Chance of Murder

1985

Young Shawn: Dad, why do those people get better seats than us?
Henry: Shawn, those people aren’t just watching the trial. Those people are the trial. They’re the jurors. And they are the most important people in this room.

Present Day

Shawn: Gus, they impounded my motorcycle without warning.
Gus: I’m pretty sure the warning was the nine hundred dollars worth of parking tickets you racked up.
Shawn: Still, man. You can’t take a man’s means of transportation away. It’s like unconstitutional or something.
Gus: I’m pretty sure it’s not in the Constitution.
Shawn: Oh don’t be so sure. I think it says, “Thou shalt not something, or covet something. Don’t mess with Texas. Or the right of transportation.”

Shawn: I can’t watch Channel 8 anymore. Lloyd Lansing wears a toupee. It’s like every newscast starts with a lie.

Gus: There’s a mountain of evidence against this lady. Look . They call her the School Marm Murderer.
Shawn: Okay, first of all, there’s a question mark at the end of that. They call her the School Marm Murderer?

Gus: You know I was pre-law once. I should have stuck with it.
Shawn: You were never pre-law.
Gus: Well I was pre-pre-law. Sixth grade. It was an accelerated program.

Lassiter: Just don’t screw this one up. {he walks away}
Shawn: “Screw this one up”? Hey, Lassie, that wasn’t much of a putdown. In fact it was rather… somewhat inspiring. Lass! Let’s roll that back.

Adam Hornstock (Michael Weston): Can we please go before Dyrecki gets back?
Shawn noticing the wedding ring: Carter Dyrecki just left for a nooner with his mistress. We have at least two hours. {he notices his photo}. Maybe an hour and a half.

Judge: Do you know this man?
Lassiter: I do.
Judge Horace Leland: And has he worked on cases for the department?
Lassiter: He has.
Shawn: There you have it!
Judge Leland: And he was helpful?
Lassiter: Absolutely. {he sits back down}
Shawn to the stenographer: Did he just say absolutely through a half-smile? I’d like you to print it out, please. I’m thinking of shellacing it on a nice piece of paper. Maybe a little decoupage.

Shawn: Hey. What would Phelps need to get authenticated?
Adam: I don’t know. His little collection of green army men?
Shawn: H-Stock, did you just make a joke?

Adam: Every weatherman that I know of has a real weatherman’s name. Johnny Mountain. Dallas Rains. Oh! Jackson Hale, for for example.
Ruben Leonard: Okay, first of all, that wasn’t even his real name.
Adam: Precisely! Have you ever considered going by the name of Bolt Lightning!
Ruben Leonard: No!
Adam: Cloudy McMillet!
Ruben Leonard: No!
Adam: Wendy… Morningdew?

Phelps: Objection, your honor!
Judge Leland: It’s a little late for that, don’t you think, counselor?

Juliet: You know, Shawn, for a psychic, you are missing something right in front of your face. It’s too bad. You might actually learn something about Lassiter maybe you don’t want to.
Shawn: He waxes his back?
Juliet: I’m going to go now. Shawn, I don’t care what anyone else says. The pink shirt is working for you.
Gus: Okay, that was cryptic.
Shawn: Not really. I’ll be damned.

Shawn: Judge, I argue that this tape should not be admissible.
Judge Leland: On what grounds?
Shawn: Well. We are citing unfair surprisery.
Phelps: I still don’t understand why he is in this room.

Gus: She doesn’t realize she’s being taped.
Shawn: Nope. I don’t think this is his first barbeque either, if you know what I mean.

Shawn: You will do anything you can to impose your will on me. You hated that bike. You have always hated that bike! And you’ve been especially hard-assed about it since I—
Henry: Since you what, Shawn? Since you what, since you had your accident? Is that where your old man crossed line fine? I’ll tell you what, I will back off. I’m gonna lay off it. I’ll tell you what you do. You take me off your call list the next time the ambulance picks you up and brings you in that door. All right? Fair. Get over yourself, kid. Or at least learn how to park.

Shawn: I feel the tape is the proof! The tape is the pudding!
Phelps: Your honor, I said objection. I demand you get him to stop that!
Judge Leland: Sit down. Do you need a tutorial in the rule 775?

Shawn: Clouds don’t kill people. People kill people.

Buzz: I believe this is yours. They just pulled it from the auction.
Gus: Pulled it from the auction?
Shawn: I’ve been practicing my paddle raise. It’s a subtle move.
Buzz: Yeah, you’ve got your bike back. It was taken care of internally.
Shawn: What does that mean, “internally”?
Buzz: I don’t know. They just gave me the paperwork.
Lassiter walking out from the back: What are you looking at? Go home!