Psych Season 5

Chivalry Is Not Dead… But Someone Is

2010.08.04    

Jean Smart  John Michael Higgins  Lee Garlington

Present Day

Gus: Will you focus, Shawn? We need this case. Do something.

Lassiter: Spencer, we don’t need your particular brand of theatrics here this evening. Go home and go back to bed.
Shawn: Lassie, are you kidding me? The death of this man is like staring my own mortality in the face. If someone’s out there killing handsome and youthful bachelors in Santa Barbara, then all of us are in danger. Maybe not all of us. Certainly Gus and myself.

Lassiter: Okay, let’s start getting witness statements. What do you want: the creepy old ladies or Ken dolls.
Juliet: The Ken dolls.

Henry: What if we let them work together. Separately—but together.
Shawn: That lonely bald guy in the corner makes no sense.
Gus: Am I the only person that’s freaked out he’s been sitting there this whole time?

Henry: You’re not afraid of a competition, are you Shawn?
Shawn: Of course not. As long as it doesn’t involve people trying to best each other.
Lassiter: Well I’m up for it. Matter of fact, I’ve already won.

Gus: How’s your feet?
Shawn: I can’t feel them.
Gus: Sweet.
Shawn: Wait. Gus! I need you to be my legs.

Clive Prescott (John Michael Higgins): Ask yourself the question: what is the picture that you’re painting of yourself.
Shawn: What is this thing, Fight Club for butlers?
Clive Prescott: For instance, what do these two, ah, boys do wrong?
Shawn: Ah, there must be some sort of mistake. We’re not students. I’m psychic detective Shawn Spencer. This is my partner, Chaz Bono.
Clive Prescott: Psychic detective. Gentlemen, this is just what I’m talking about. If you’re going to create a fake profession at least make it sound real.

Prescott: May I ask you a personal question?
Shawn: Sure.
Prescott: Have you ever been tested for idiocy?

Juliet: You disturb me. And your theory on this murder disturbs me. And you disturb me.
Lassiter: You said that twice.
Juliet: Yes.

Lassiter: You have a funny way of morning. You sure didn’t waste any time getting back up on that horse after your husband’s death.
Jillian Tucker (Jean Smart): I’m late for a business meeting. And I don’t ride horses, detective.
Lassiter: Mrs. Tucker, are you trying to seduce me?
Jillian Tucker: Not even a little.

Gus: Can you tell us about Lance Tolkin?
Prescott: Can I, meaning do I have the neurological or verbal ability to do so?
Gus: Sorry. Will you?
Shawn: I’ve heard it both ways.
Prescott: Maybe on a farm you have.

Juliet: We believe someone may have poisoned Mr. Tolkin with strychnine.
Lassiter: Do you remember what his drink order was that night?
Bartender: Normally I wouldn’t, but his caught my attention. It was different. Classy. Cool.
Lassiter: Yes. {writing} Sea breeze.
Bartender: Ah. No. Gabardine Hightail.

Shawn: I think my dad is starting to like me.

Shawn: Look at that, Gus. He’s literally taking her to the bank.
Gus: What’s the next stop? The cleaners?

Gus: Shawn, is this about your ego and trying to prove you have more game than this guy?
Shawn: Gus, I couldn’t be more offended. {beat} That would be a nice bonus.
Gus: You’re on your own.

Shawn: You just pushed my competitive button and now it’s on.
Prescott: I would be frightened. If you were wearing any buttons.

Shawn: Gus, I see a bright light. I think I should go towards it.
Gus: Okay, stop playing, Shawn.
Shawn: I’m going. Take care of my Great Dane, Lothar.
Gus: You don’t have a Great Dane, Shawn.
Shawn: Get a Great Dane, name him Lothar.
Gus: Okay, what are you talking about?
Shawn
: I was poisoned, buddy. I’m sure of it. But I know who killed me! Remember: it was Prescott who killed me. {he collapses}

Shawn: You mean I’m not going to die?
Doctor: Well maybe from all the tapioca pudding and raisins in your stomach.

Prescott: My understanding is that you were barely poisoned.
Shawn: Why do people keep qualifying that?

Shawn: Gus, come on. A little decorum?
Gus: What? You just accused him of death by stingray.

Gus: It’s the perfect old person’s murder weapon: the moth ball.

Juliet: Let’s go! We have to get up there before it’s too late.
Lassiter: I’m aware of that, O’Hara. What am I supposed to do, shoot my way up the hill? I will!

Gus: Shouldn’t the case with an older woman killing people be less athletic?
Shawn: Hang in there, buddy! Think about the cucumber finger sandwiches waiting for us up top!

Shawn: You know, my best friend Burton Guster said that we can all afford to be a little more gentlemanly in life and you know what? He was dead wrong about that.
Prescott: Wow.
Shawn: But I’ll tell you what I can see. The way I think is the right way to do things is not the only way.
Prescott: It’s barely a way at all.
Shawn: Well it’s my way.
Prescott: Not a real way.
Shawn: It’s the way I approach something. It qualifies as a way.
Prescott: But it’s not a very good way.
Shawn: Clive, I think you should settle down.
Prescott: Fine.
Shawn: We can all afford to grow up a bit. Even me.
Prescott: Especially you.
Shawn: The truth is, I want to change. I need to change.
Prescott: You got that right.
Shawn: I want my father, on his death bed—four or five years from now—to look at me and say, “That! That is the man that I raised!” And I want him to be pointing at some other guy. Because that means that maybe, just maybe, I am not his biological son.

Eugenia (Lee Garlington): Would you have felt better if I had tried to kill you too? You know, you should meet a nice girl and focus on her. And never ever come back here.