Season 4

Extradition: British Columbia

Shawn Spencer (James Roday): Lassie.
Burton “Gus” Guster (Dulé Hill): Wow.
Shawn: Is your hair starting its own cult?
Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): Trying to do a performance review here, Mr. Spencer. I thank you not to bother us.
Shawn: Seems like a strange thing to thank me for, but you’re welcome of course.

Gus: Are we ever going to start skiing?
Shawn: As soon as I finish this hot chocolate.
Gus: Why don’t you just throw it out?
Shawn: I would, but this hot cocoa represents the end of our vacation money.
Gus: How are we out of cash? We’ve only been here four hours.
Shawn: The American dollar was not as strong as I anticipated, Gus.

Gus: So what do we do now, call the authorities?
Shawn: We make sure it’s Despereaux. And I have an ingenious plan to smoke him out.
Gus: Sounds good.
Shawn: Pierre! {Despereaux turns}
Gus: That was your plan?!

Gus: I think we should have taken that second ski lesson.

Shawn: There’s only one move we can’t follow!
Gus: What’s that?
Shawn: He just made it!
Gus: The slow gentle turn?
Shawn: That was it!

Shawn: You know what this means, Gus.
Gus: That we suck at skiing?
Shawn: This hot chocolate just became a write-off.

Shawn: You’ve seen The Mentalist, right?
Corporal Robert Mackintosh: Yes!
Shawn: It’s like that.
Gus: Except that guy is a fake.

Robert: What’s he doing?
Gus: He’s having a psychic episode.
Robert: It’s a bit off-putting.
Gus: You get used to it.

Shawn: Put your socks on, Gus. ‘Cause I’m about to knock them off.
Gus: What’ve you got?
Shawn: I’ve got nothing. What’ve you got?
Gus: Nothing. {a birthday banner comes in the background} No you don’t! It’s obvious.

Juliet: How’s he doing?
Gus: He’s been better.

Pierre Despereaux (Cary Elwes): Mildly impressive that you found me here. You two are making a marked improvement from your harlequinade antics on the slopes.
Gus: In my defense, I have two left knees.
Shawn: You know what’s more impressive? In about fifteen seconds you’re going to see a fierce—albeit gunless—American detective, his striking snow bunny partner—which I mean nothing salacious by—and half the RCMP are going to storm this roof and take you down! Wait for it…
Despereaux: I’d love to, but I really have to go.

He Dead

Present Day

Gus: A map? That’s your secret weapon?
Shawn: This is not typical map my friend. With large words that people don’t understand. Like “latitudinal”. And “east”.

Shawn: We’ve been given a great responsibility.
Gus: How so?
Shawn: Warren Clayton’s dying wish. Man, what if that had been your dad. Or my dad. Or some other random black guy and white guy found him with one breath left. would you want those dudes to fulfill our dad’s final wish? Especially if it was about us?
Gus: You think of me as some random black dude?

Shawn: Mrs. Clayton, I’m receiving a psychic transmission from your husband. It’s really more of a voicemail, if I’m being honest. Maybe more of a status update. Perhaps a twitter.
Gus: I believe it’s called a “tweet”.
Shawn: There’s no way I’m saying that.

Gus: Let me guess. You’ve got a loosely-formed idea that shouldn’t work on paper but ultimately proves to be reasonably successful?

Gus: “Relationship Shawn” needs to step up his game.
Shawn: Okay, first of all, there is no “relationship Shawn” or “Boyfriend Shawn”. There’s just regular Shawn and Malibu Shawn. You know that.

Shawn: Alright, after calling every single car sevice in Bakersfield—
Gus: Two.

Shawn: Gus, note to self. Remember 1600 Joshua Lane.
Gus: You can’t give me your note to self. It’s a note to yourself.
Shawn: Fair enough. “At that moment, Shawn found himself alone. Unable to face the journey ahead.”
Gus: You can’t do your own omniscient narration either.

Nina Thomas: You guys believe in karma, don’t you?
Shawn: Yes, but only because we’re karma chameleons.
Gus: We come and go.

Juliet: He’s dead.
Shawn: Man. Why does this always happen?
Gus: We have to start checking first.

High Noon-ish

Present Day

Gus: He’s going to kill us.
Shawn: What?
Gus: He hasn’t said a word the whole time he’s been driving. Face it, Shawn, he’s finally snapped.
Shawn: He asked us for a favor, that’s all. We can leave anytime we want. Case in point. {he tries the door—it’s locked}. 

Gus: This is all your fault. You and all the practical jokes you play on him!
Shawn: Those were team-building exercises. To build camaraderie.
Gus: How do you build camaraderie by changing someone’s bank account numbers?

Hank Mendel (James Brolin): Hell, I wasn’t even gonna call you out here, but Binkie insisted.
Gus: Binkie?
Oh. You don’t call him Binkie?
Shawn: We do now.

Gus: Holy crap.
Shawn: He shot that guy!
Lassiter: I know. Isn’t it great?
Shawn: This is not a real town.
Gus: It’s a tourist trap.

Gus: If this turns into Blazing Saddles, I’m outta here.
Shawn: Hm. Pull that.

Gus: I’m out of here. I’m calling a cab.
Hank: Those things don’t work out here. We got no TVs, no radios, no refrigerators.
Gus: Sounds like prison. Except they have those things.
Shawn: Would you stop it.

Shawn: I think I’m starting to get why Lassie loves this place so much. It represents a simpler time, when people weren’t so preoccupied with distractions of modern life.
Gus: Like living past age forty?

Gus: Your people have a much more affectionate memory of this period of history than my people do.

Gus: How about I wear the spurs?
Shawn: How ’bout the sheriff wears the spurs?
Gus: How ’bout you kiss my blacksmith ass?

The Devil’s in the Details… and the Upstairs Bedroom

1989

Father Peter Westley (Ray Wise): It seem like he just can’t get through a lecture without questioning every detail. Take this morning’s for instance, on Noah’s Ark.
Young Shawn: I’m sorry, Dad, but it just doesn’t make sense.
Father Westley: What doesn’t make sense, Shawn?
Young Shawn: Lots of things. Like if the Ark was built in the Middle East, how did animals like the Koala bear get to it?
Young Gus: God helped them get there, using His Almighty power.
Father Westley: That’s exactly right, Gus.
Young Shawn: Then why didn’t He use those powers to create the Ark? Wouldn’t the be much faster than getting Noah to build it?

 

Present Day

Shawn: Question: Where are all the girls in the Catholic school girl uniforms, Gus?
Gus: There’s one right over there.
Shawn: No! That is a male bagpiper.

Father Westley: I just can’t believe the two of you have become detectives.
Shawn: Psychic detectives, to be exact.
Gus: Actually, he’s the psychic. I’m a pharmaceutical salesman.
Shawn: We also do commercial jingles.
Gus: No we don’t.
Shawn: We will. {singing} Bum bum bum. Muffins.
Father Westley: That’s incredible.
Shawn: Thanks. I made it up just now.
Father Westley: I was talking about the detective thing.
Shawn: That too.

Shawn: My senses are telling me that this girl committed suicide.
Lassiter: Well you can tell your senses to kiss my sweet— {sees a nun} love… biscuits…
Gus: I don’t know if you made that any less offensive.

Gus: Look, I know Father Westley’s theory’s kind of crazy, but if he believes it then I need to take it seriously. You know how much I look up to him.
Shawn: I look up to Brett Favre, that doesn’t mean I believe everything he says. Alright, that’s a bad example. It’s those tearful press conferences, man. They get me every time.

Shawn: Man. How come every girl posts a million photos online of her and her friends posing cheek-to-cheek? It’s so lame.
Gus: Says the guy who has that on his desk.
Shawn: It’s not posted online, Gus. {beat} Yet.

Gus: Here me out. Agatha jumped off the building to kill herself and the demon that was inside of her. Right before she died, the demon transferred out of her and into Lucy. Just like in the Exorcist.
Shawn: Do you realize you’re basing this on a fictional movie?
Gus: You once tried to solve a case using the movie Pretty In Pink.
Shawn: That’s completely different. Pretty In Pink is more of a docudrama.

Gus: Why are you reading my index of medications?
Shawn: Because it’s hilarious. The section on medications that treat urinary tract infections made me pee my pants. Which is ironic if you think about it.
Gus: You’re on to something, aren’t you?
Shawn: Yep. Gotta go. Thanks for the cake. {he grabs it out of Gus’ hands}
Gus: That’s a sponge to moisten stamps.

Henry: Tell him the truth. But in the most respectful way possible.
[…]
Shawn: You were wrong! Wrong wrong wrong! Wrong wrong wrong! Finger guns! *pew* Wrong! *pew* Wrong! Wrong in your weenie!
Gus: Put down the finger guns.

Cameron: Lucy and I have always just been friends.
Shawn: Cam, don’t be so naive. Men and women can’t be friends.
Gus: Yeah, When Harry Met Sally taught us that.
Shawn: It also taught us that women often fake orgasms. {Juliet agrees}

Shawn: But props to you for your performance as a possessed girl. Linda Blair would be proud. Now you can do your best impression of her in Chained Heat.
Gus: And?
Shawn: Red Heat!
Gus: What!
Shawn: Two Prison movies! {they break out the finger guns}

Shawn: There is something that’s been gnawing at me lately. {checking} Gus, can you hear me? {silence} Here’s the thing: I’ve been stealing the food that Gus hides in his desk and eating it, and then blaming it on the cleaning lady Oniniña.
Gus outside: I knew it! I knew it!
Shawn: Damn it! {realizing} Oo! Is that one a sin?
Father Westley: Yes.

Shawn Has the Yips

Shawn: Big win for the team. Well-played, all of you. Let’s not forget that our valiant opponents also played a heckuva ball game. Respect, Haircut Hut.
Gus: I don’t know why you’re giving the victory speech, Shawn. You almost cost us the game today.
Shawn: What are you talking about? I had five hits.
Juliet: You also overthrew third base five times.

Shawn: I need you to suspend your disbelief and hop on board the Streetcar Named Shawn-sire.
Gus: Dude, you know how that metaphor makes me uncomfortable.

Gus: Mashed potatoes? Really?
Shawn: This is actually kind of fun. Did you want to scoop out the last lesbian?

Gus: Why didn’t we stay inside the shoe store?
Shawn: I told you, I get freaked out by tassels.

Shawn: Look at that. Lassie’s getting some press.
Gus: Good for him. He deserves it.
Shawn: Fifty bucks to the guy who can get on camera the most.
Gus: You’re on.

Shawn: What purpose do tassels serve on shoes, Gus?
Gus: I don’t know.
Shawn: I do. Evil.

Salamatchia: I recognize you.
Shawn: Yes sir. We’re both listed on the Petrovich case.
Gus: No we are not!
Shawn: I’m not gonna lie.
Gus: Since when?

 

High Top Fade-Out

Gus: Then it’s settled. There’ll be no reunion unless Jesus agrees to manage the group.
Tony: That’s fine by me.

Tony: Diddle worked for Cyber Vault.
Gus: I know. Diddle worked for Cyber Vault.
Tony: Oh, this dude.
Gus: Companies hired them to protect and encrypt data sent over networks.
Shawn: So they can or can not lift the parental lock on my laptop?
Gus: That was me, Shawn. It was for your own good.

Gus: I get claustrophobic, Shawn.
Shawn: You are a cadaver. And we have to cover you because cadavers don’t wear shirts from Abercrombie and Fletch.
Gus: It’s Abercrombie and Fitch! And no, you haven’t heard it both ways.
Shawn: Sh!

Shawn: Wow. This guy’s almost as organized as you are.
Gus: Those other two brothers, they couldn’t color tab their way out of a Staples.
Shawn: Really? Now you’re on them because they’re not anal retentive enough?
Gus: I’m just saying.
Shawn: What happened between you guys?
Gus: Move on, Shawn.

Shawn: Excuse us. We were never formally introduced. I’m world renowned psychic lothario, Shawn Spencer. This is my associate—
Gus: Gus. But you can call me John Slade.

Shawn: What the? I specifically told you guys to stay at my Dad’s.
Tony: Yeah, but then you gave us the nod. So clearly you were saying, “Don’t trust something this important to Gus. B.”
Shawn: No. I’m not nearly adept enough at using B to work it into a nod. I was just, I was saying, “Goodbye for now.”
Gus: How many times have I told you not to mess with the nod?
Shawn: Never. You’ve never once said that to me.

 

Let’s Get Hairy

1989

Gus: Shawn, we shouldn’t have left our troop.
Shawn: Dude, this is a chance to put our skills to a real test.
Gus: Okay, what was that?
Shawn: It was nothing. Your Little Chief senses are off.
Gus: Okay, tell me you didn’t hear that!
Shawn: Probably just a giant beaver.

Henry: Do you know how dense this forest is?
Gus: Dense enough for a werewolf to run amuck and swallow me like a Rollo?
Henry: Werewolves, huh?
Shawn: Yeah. Didn’t you hear that?
Henry: The mind can convince itself of almost anything when fear is involved. But fear does not exist in this dojo, does it boys? {there’s a scary noise in the woods} Okay. We’re outta here.

Present Day

Gus: So Stewart, why do you feel you need to be locked up and observed?
Stewart: I’m almost positive I’m a lycan.
Shawn: Lycan? Like seaweed?
Stewart: No. A lycan.
Shawn: Oh, you mean lychee. Like sheep’s wool.
Gus: Lychee is a tropical fruit, Shawn.
Stewart: A lycan. Lycanthrope. A, a, a—
Gus: Werewolf?
Stewart: Yes!

Lassiter: Alright. Fine. Let’s hear it.
Shawn: For who? The boy? That’s on Gus’ iPod. It’s back at the office.
Gus: Don’t say a word about Denise Williams.

Gus: Maybe we should let them take it from here.
Shawn: Gus, if we turn away every werewolf case that comes through our door, people are going to start talking.

Shawn: Polexia wasn’t kidding.
Stewart: Polexia? What? You talked with the Black Widow?
Gus: You call her the Black Widow?
Stewart: Not just me. All of us in the group. She was once married to this guy who couldn’t grow hair. What’s that called?
Shawn: Bald.
Gus: Alopecia.
Shawn: That’s the fear of beans.

Henry: I’m tired. I want waffles.
Gus: I could eat some waffles.
Shawn: I’m buying.
Gus: Which means I’m buying.
Shawn: You know that’s right.

Shawn Takes a Shot in the Dark

Juliet: What are you playing with over there?
Lassiter: It’s blood.
Gus in his head: Binshot binshot binshot… Oh my god. Shawn’s been shot.

Juliet: I still don’t get the connection to the ice cream truck.
Gus: I think Shawn did. I’ve been checking his history to see what his most recent web searches were. The Mentalist Spoilers dot com. BillyZane dot thumbnails slash hair dot com.

Gus: Gun it, Jules. Give it all its got.
Juliet: This is all its got.

Shawn: Look at you, buddy! You’re like Vin Diesel.
Gus: That makes Jules Michelle Rodriguez and you Paul Walker.
Shawn: This is no good.
Gus: Don’t worry, Shawn. You’ll be alright.
Shawn: I know. I’ll be fine.
Gus: I just really don’t want to be Paul Walker. Not even for one day.

Shawn: You know I had to tell Juliet that I loved her.
Gus: Wow. Was it awkward?
Shawn: Little bit. Of course at the time I was more concerned with not getting shot again.
Gus: I guess you were just doing what you had to do.
Shawn: The weird thing is, I think she was about to say it back to me.
Gus: I bet she was just playing along. Doing what she had to do.
Shawn: Yeah. Yeah, you’re probably right.

You Can’t Handle This Episode

Shawn: I do not believe this man committed suicide. Unfortunately he was murdered!
Gus: Wait. Already? How sure are you?
Shawn: Forty-one percent.

Gus: I wonder where that truck is going.
Shawn: Any chance it’s Uganda?
Gus: Shawn, are you okay?

 

Thrill Seekers and Hell-Raisers

1989

Henry: Shawn, what in blue blazes is going on? You’re up on the roof in this weather?
Young Shawn: Nothing, Dad. Me and Gus were just practicing basejumping. It’s the newest thing in extreem sports.
Henry: Are you crazy? You could get yourself seriously hurt or maybe even killed doing something like this.
Young Shawn: Don’t worry, Dad.
We made lifesize replicas of ourselves to make sure the shoes would work.
Young Gus: Mine’s over there. We’ve made improvements since then.
Henry: Basejumping? Shawn there’s no way I’m going to let you do something that risky.
Young Shawn: But Dad!
Henry: But nothing. As long as you live in my house you follow my rules.

Present Day

Gus: Shawn the thing is you have a tendency to scare my girlfriends away.
Shawn: What, because I ask a few simple questions?
Gus: You asked one girl if she knew the answer to the riddle of the Sphinx.
Shawn: And? Bullet dodged. You’re very welcome.
Gus: You only knew that because you saw it on Superfriends.
Shawn: She had the same opportunity to see that episode, Gus.

Gus: Ruby passed the test.
Shawn: Of course she was good at the pet store. She was prepared.

Shawn: We thought you guys were having a picnic, you know, because it’s lunch time.
Stu: It’s three o’clock in the afternoon.
Shawn: Let me explain. Lunch for us starts ten minutes after breakfast ends, goes ’till ten minutes before dinner starts. Unless of course we just combine the two, in which case we have “linner”.
Gus: And then there’s “dessinner”. Which is dessert and dinner.

Juliet: Stu and his business partner Brian Samson just filled for bankruptcy.
Shawn: Samson. That’s just a great name. Straight out of film noir. A old detective who drinks, loves even harder. Or, go with her: Samson. A tiny little orphan mouse who must find his way home from Wolverhampton.
Gus: Or Samson, the legendary figure from the Bible?
Shawn: Naw, that doesn’t work. All those guys had names like Ben Hur and Promethesus.
Gus: You have never read the Bible have you, Shawn?
Shawn: Genesis. Exorcist. Leviathan. Deu… the right thing.
Gus: Oh my god.

Ruby: We’re in a trust circle, Gus.
Gus: No. No. I want out of the trust circle.
Ruby: There are no doors in the trust circle, Gus.
Gus: What about Shawn?
Ruby: That would be a trust triangle. Don’t make things more difficult than it already is, okay?

A Very Juliet Episode

Gus: I will handle this in perfect stealth mode. You might not know this, but I am known as the Vault of Secrets.
Juliet: No. No, I didn’t know that.
Gus: Shawn will never find out.

Gus: What could possibly be the good news coming after that?
Shawn: I was going to say the good news is we have a case because I’m pretty sure he was murdered.

Shawn: I managed to get onto a website that I probably shouldn’t be on.
Gus: Shawn don’t tell you’re going all Pete Townsend on me.

Shawn: Hello, Mr. Waring. My name is Shawn Spencer, well-known psychic detective. And this is my associate, Burton Guster.
Gus: Now you wanna use my real name?!

Shawn: My god, he’s convincing.
Gus: Convincing? He’s a criminal.
Shawn: Yes. But he has a great head. And a real presence. There’s something very Billy Zane-y about him.
Gus: You and Billy Zane are the only ones that use that term. He’s playing you, Shawn. He’s a murderer and liar and the lowest form of trash.
Waring: You know these things don’t turn off, right?

Gus: So what happened?
Shawn: Gave him the old mano a mano speech.
Gus: Did it work?
Shawn: Not even sort of.
Gus: Then what happened?
Shawn: I had to knock him out, Gus.
Gus: I thought Scott knocked him out.
Shawn: I’ve heard it both ways.

Death Is in the Air

Gus: This room was paid for in cash and registered to a Val Kilmer.
Shawn: It’s either an alias or Val has officially lost it.

Gus: I can’t believe this, Shawn. First we’re looking for a prostitute, now I’m naked in a parking lot?
Shawn: It’s just like our prom night.

Gus: You refer to the virus in the feminine tense?
Reidman: Indeed, if you knew her as I do there is no mistaking her for anything other than a she.
Gus: That doesn’t make any sense.
Reidman: Neither do women.

Shawn: Gus, something doesn’t make sense to me. He was on his way out when we spotted him. Why did he leave before releasing the jujumagumbo?
Gus: He aborted his plan.

Shawn: I realized, in life, we never have as much time as I think we do.
Gus: What do you mean?
Shawn: I mean Jules. I mean all this time, right, we talk, we do our thing. And I’m like, you know, if something’s supposed to happen between us it’ll happen. Just poof! And magic beans coming down on you. But the truth is, my god, she could die today. And she might never know how I feel.

Gus: Juliet you don’t have the Thornberg virus.
Juliet: What? Are you kidding?
Gus: No. Dr. Reidman just told me. Looks like you have more time than you thought.

Think Tank

Henry: How can you rewrite history like that?
Gus: You’re talking to guy who wrote a term paper on President Mitchell.

Walter Snowden (Bruce Davison): Hello. Walter Snowden. I’d like to introduce myself and say very impressive work.
Shawn: Thanks Walt. Shawn Spencer. This is my partner—
Walter Snowden: Burton Guster. Or should I say, Gee Buttersnaps. Or Lavender Goomps. Or Clementine Woollysocks perhaps.
Shawn: Wow. This guy really is a fan.
Gus: Fan or a stalker. Gee Buttersnaps was said on a secure military base with no one else around.
Walter Snowden: Let’s just say I’ve been following your work for quite awhile now.

Snowden: This has nothing to do with any of his business ventures.
Gus: So what will we be doing?
Snowden: Preventing his assassination.

Boyd: So a cell phone isn’t predictable enough but a poison is perfectly reliable. Is that what you’re saying?
Svetlana Progoyovic: I use skin contact. It’s as if I sneezed and then it’s, how do you say? Goodnight Charlie.
Shawn: Gus, how bad do you wish you were Charlie?
Gus: She is a killer, Shawn. She kills people.
Shawn: But how bad?
Gus: Real bad.

Gus: Over here, Shawn.
Shawn: Dude, this is kind of exciting. What’s behind there? {sees what’s behind there} It says Exit.
Gus: I know. We’re completely making fools of ourselves inside there, Shawn. We need to cut our loses and go home. This slump of yours is out of control.
Shawn: Look, I admit we’re having some early trouble, but that room is like kryptonite to my skills. It’s like neutralizing my weapons. I need to see things, I need to touch stuff.
Gus: Has it ever occurred to you that these are the exact kind of people that could figure out you’re not who you say you are?
Shawn: Come on, son!
Gus: Do not do Ed Lover me, Shawn.

Lassiter: So as I understand it, the suspect offered all of you eighty-five hundred dollars a day. With the exception of Mr. Boyd who got ninety-five hundred.
Shawn: Woah. How come you got more?
Gus: Yeah. He tells the future.
Boyd: All you told us is the plot to Die Hard 3.
Shawn: Yeah, and that isn’t difficult to ascertain?

Gus: Hand to the head. Not working.
Shawn: I know. That’s why I’ve been adding sound effects.

The Head, the Tail, the Whole Damn Episode

Lassiter: Spencer, one loose end doesn’t make it foul play.
Shawn: It doesn’t?
Gus: How do you think we’ve stayed in business these last four years.
Shawn: But what if it does?

Gus: Let me get this straight. You’re doing real police work and Lassiter is following a crazy hunch?
Shawn: Stranger things have happened.
Gus: Name one.
Shawn: Michelle Pfeiffer dated Fisher Stevens and then he actually cheated on her.

Shawn: Is this really happening?
Gus: Yes. And I think your dad is totally in there.
Shawn: Oh please, Gus. Where is the decorum? He’s hitting on this poor woman in the middle of a crime scene.
Gus: Shawn, you did that three times in the last year.

Shawn: I know who the killer is?
Gus: Who?
Shawn: We’re on his boat.

Shawn: You know I don’t write the headlines but if I did I probably would have added, “and does so with foppish aplumb.”
Gus: You know that’s right.

Mr. Yin Presents…

1989

 

Present Day

Buzz McNab (Sage Brocklebank):

Madeleine Spencer (Cybill Shepherd):

Abigail Lytar (Rachael Leigh Cook):

Woody the Coroner (Kurt Fuller):

Mr. Yin (Christopher Turner, Peter Weller):

Declan Rand (Nestor Carbonell):