Psych Burton “Gus” Guster

Season 5

2010.07.14    

Romeo and Juliet and Juliet

1990

Young Shawn (Skyler Gisondo): Okay, I’m warning you guys. Gus knows karate.
Young Gus (Carlos McCullers II) : Um, I don’t know karate.
Young Shawn: Yes you do. You studied Wushu.
Young Gus: That’s Chinese.
Young Shawn: Dude, trust me. Karate sounds more intimidating.
Young Gus: I’ve only had two lessons.
Young Shawn: That’s two more lessons than they’ve had.

Present Day

Shawn Spencer (James Roday): You do it.
Burton “Gus” Guster (Dulé Hill): You do it.
Shawn: I don’t fire people well. You know that.
Gus: You wanted the assistant.
Shawn: I wanted a girl.
Gus: He’s the only one that would take the job, Shawn.
Shawn: What does that say about us?

Chief Vick: I don’t remember calling you, Mr. Spencer.
Shawn: Didn’t have to, Chief. It called me.
Gus: Called collect.
Shawn: That’s right. Which is odd, because I’m also on Twitter and the cases usually tweet me.

Gus: Well? What happened?
Shawn: Two things. One, we’re getting him fired. Two, we’re on the case.
Gus: After all that you convinced him to hire us?
Shawn: Define convinced.

Ken: You guys think that ’cause I’m Asian I’m supposed to know all this stuff? That’s borderline racist, man.
Shawn: Racist? Oh, I hardly think so. Inappropriate?
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: Insulting.
Gus: Sure.
Shawn: Stereotyping.
Gus: Sure.
Shawn: Not racist.
Gus: Maybe a little racist.

Gus: We have been following this guy forever. If he is a Triad, he’s the most boring gang member of all time. I think Ken gave us a fake lead to pay you back for asking him for a loan.
Shawn: A short term loan, Gus. With interest.
Gus: The interest was life lessons, Shawn.

Gus: Shawn if something illegal’s going down there’s opportunity to call Lassiter and let him get shot. Golden Triads cut off heads.
Shawn: One at a time. Which technically means we have four opportunities.

Gus: Can I use your phone or do you only let the white people use that?
Martial Arts Instructor: Who said anything about white people?
Gus: You just did.

Shawn: We lost him!
Gus: He’s right behind us.
Shawn: I’m talking about the guy we’re chasing.
Gus: I’m talking about the guy chasing us.

Shawn: Gus, my spiritual senses are out of control. I can’t believe I didn’t turn to Eastern culture earlier.
Gus: Shawn, we got lucky because we hid like little girls.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be the Ten Tigers of Canton.

Gus: You need to tell the polie that this is not a kidnapping.
Sang Tan: It’s not that simple.
Gus: It’s pretty simple.
Bekki: I’m pregnant.

Feet Don’t Kill Me Now

1990

Young Shawn: Hey Gus. What are you doing?
Young Gus: Just playing… board grass.
Young Shawn: Gus, let me see what’s behind your back. {he shows him} Tap shoes? Are you kidding me?
Young Gus: Shawn, I like tap dancing. In fact, I’m pretty good at it. When people pick on me I just pull out that tap board and show them who’s bad.
Young Shawn: Dude. All your permanent teeth are in, okay? You’re playing for keeps now.
Young Gus: You should try it. It’s cool.

Present Day

Gus: Are you saying that I can’t solve a case without you?
Shawn: No, I’m not saying that.
Gus: Because if we’ve learned anything over these years it’s that you really can’t do it without me.
Shawn: First of all, we haven’t learned anything over the years.

Lassiter: What’s wrong?
Gus: I’m not used to getting introduced by my real name.

Shawn: You missing a murder weapon? You can take the knife out of my back.
Gus: How did you find me, Shawn?
Shawn: I installed GPS parental controls on your phone.
Gus: Is that why it keeps beeping.
Shawn: It also tells me if you use your credit card to buy condoms, liquor or glue.

Shawn: Gus, get with the times. It’s 2008.
Gus: It’s 2010.
Shawn: Ha! That would me we’re at war with the machines.

Shawn: How come you’re allowed to say, “bingo.” and I’m not.
Gus: The same reason you’re not allowed to say, “true dat.”
Shawn: True that.
Gus: Exactly.

 

Chivalry Is Not Dead… But Someone Is

Gus: Will you focus, Shawn? We need this case. Do something.

Henry: What if we let them work together. Separately—but together.
Shawn: That lonely bald guy in the corner makes no sense.
Gus: Am I the only person that’s freaked out he’s been sitting there this whole time?

Gus: How’s your feet?
Shawn: I can’t feel them.
Gus: Sweet.
Shawn: Wait. Gus! I need you to be my legs.

Gus: Can you tell us about Lance Tolkin?
Prescott: Can I, meaning do I have the neurological or verbal ability to do so?
Gus: Sorry. Will you?
Shawn: I’ve heard it both ways.
Prescott: Maybe on a farm you have.

Shawn: Look at that, Gus. He’s literally taking her to the bank.
Gus: What’s the next stop? The cleaners?

Gus: Shawn, is this about your ego and trying to prove you have more game than this guy?
Shawn: Gus, I couldn’t be more offended. {beat} That would be a nice bonus.
Gus: You’re on your own.

Shawn: Gus, I see a bright light. I think I should go towards it.
Gus: Okay, stop playing, Shawn.
Shawn: I’m going. Take care of my Great Dane, Lothar.
Gus: You don’t have a Great Dane, Shawn.
Shawn: Get a Great Dane, name him Lothar.
Gus: Okay, what are you talking about?
Shawn
: I was poisoned, buddy. I’m sure of it. But I know who killed me! Remember: it was Prescott who killed me. {he collapses}

Shawn: Gus, come on. A little decorum?
Gus: What? You just accused him of death by stingray.

Gus: It’s the perfect old person’s murder weapon: the moth ball.

Gus: Shouldn’t the case with an older woman killing people be less athletic?
Shawn: Hang in there, buddy! Think about the cucumber finger sandwiches waiting for us up top!

Shawn and Gus In Drag (Racing)

1990

Young Shawn: I can’t reach the brake! Gus, get down there and stop us!
Young Gus: Wait, why do I have to be the feet? How come you just can’t be taller?

Present Day

Shawn: Look, Lassie, I know we’ve had kerfuffles in the past. But to be honest this has all the makings of a Psych special. Fast cars.
Gus: Fast women.
Shawn: Fast food.
Gus: Murder.
Shawn: That too.

Shawn: Watch for the flash, Gus. As soon as Lassie hits eighty-eight, he goes back in time. And this time he does not go to the prom with his sister.
Gus: It was his mother and they went to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance.
Shawn: It was a throwaway. So we could make an entrance.
Gus: But you got it wrong.

Shawn: Just do this one and I’ll get you some astronaut ice cream.
Gus: You’re damn right you will.

Shawn: What? Seriously. Dude! Do that again. I’ve been trying to come up with an entrance bit like that since I accidentally threw Gus’ wallet into a fireplace.
Gus: I knew a squirrel didn’t swipe it off a windowsill.
Shawn: There was a squirrel outside and it was eyeing your wallet.
Gus: You lying bastard.

Gus: Everybody else’s hood stays up by itself. How long do I have to do this?
Shawn: Gus, we have to feature the engine. We have to show it people. This is what they do. Sit tight, I’m gonna get my Paul Walker on.

Shawn: I think I can beat this guy.
Gus: Are you insane?
Shawn: I have a secret weapon! {pops open a compartment} What!
Gus: Nitrous? You are insane.
Shawn: You wouldn’t believe how easy that thing was to install.
Gus: No, Shawn. It’s incredibly complicated. Did you retool the front end?
Shawn: Nope.
Gus: Did you adjust the intake?
Shawn: What’s an intake?

Shawn: I don’t like the way that shook out at all. Lassie smugly breaking down the case, people laughing at our expense. Gina turns out to be Mary. It’s all very vexing. Don’t you feel vexed?
Gus: No. We solved the case. It all worked out the way it should.
Shawn: No. That is what is disturbing me. It never works out the way it should. That’s not our process. Our process is messy, haphazard. It’s definitely not like that. I don’t buy it.
Gus: Well you’re not gonna get it for free.

Shawn: Why is everyone suddenly breaking down this case but me?
Gus: Because you won’t. And worst still, you broke the first rule of undercover work: you got too close. You’ve gone all Point Break.

Juliet: Vegetables in the tail pipe. I don’t know if that’s brilliant or stupid.
Gus: Probably stupid.
Shawn: Well there’s a fine line between the two.

Viagra Falls

Shawn: He was killed at another location, TBS.
Gus: It’s TBD, Shawn.
Shawn: What’s TBS?
Gus: The Super Station.
Shawn: Is it really though?

Shawn: So once upon a time they were good cops. I have a gift, Gus. And you have me. Besides, we’re both young. And viral.
Gus: It’s virile, Shawn.
Shawn: The point is, it’s a couple of old tortoises versus two young swift hares.
Gus: The tortoise won the race.
Shawn: Only because he was tired.
Gus: That makes no sense, Shawn.

Boone: You looking for a handout?
Gus: I’m just being cordial.
Boone: You’re eyeballing my watch.
Gus: It’s a Casio.
Boone: You just proved my point, slick fingers.

Shawn: We should avoid Boone and Peters until we have something juicy.
Gus: And then throw our something juicy in their faces.
Shawn: Rotten peaches.
Gus: What! Where are we going to get peaches?
Shawn: Mmmmm. But I really like that idea.
Gus: Me too. But I think we should get fresh peaches and eat them instead.
Shawn: Right in front of them.

Gus: Should we step in?
Shawn: It’s just a little tiff, Gus. Besides, there are no bullets in that gun.
Gus: How sure are you?
Shawn: One in six chance.
Gus: Those are the exact odds, Shawn.

Peters: Well. The palm reader. And that guy who looks like a young Lawonda Page decided to join us.
Gus: Lawonda Page? From Sanford and Son?
Boone: Damn right. Without that hair cut you look just like her.
Shawn: You do have a little Lawonda in the eyes.
Gus: Shut up, Shawn.

Shawn: Please tell me we don’t look like that when we do our thing.
Gus: That’s exactly how we look.

Shawn: Can we be heard that clearly when we turn around and whisper?
Gus: I sure hope not.

Shawn: Did he just throw a loafer at me!
Gus: It was a Magnanni slip-on.
Shawn: What?
Gus: What? I know my loafers, Shawn. And I won’t apologize for it.

Shawn: Do we sound like that?
Gus: That’s exactly what we sound like.

Shawn: Take Gus! He can pass for Omar Epps in restaurants.
Gus: Take Shawn! Trust me, you’ll feel better about yourself in comparison.

Shawn: Man. Think we’ll still be able to knock dudes out when we’re in our sixties?
Gus: We can’t knock dudes out now.
Shawn: I hear that.

Boone: I’d be honored to take you in, Gus, if you got no parents.
Gus: That’s… very kind of you, Boone. But I do have parents. And I’m in my thirties so… I think I’m good.

Ferry Tale

1990

Young Gus: Wait. How did we decide who gets the bike?
Young Shawn: A good question. Ah. We could do eeny meeny miney mo.
Young Gus: Don’t insult my intelligence. We can do rock paper scissors.

Young Gus: No, I’m taping your face. Come here!

Present Day

Shawn: Dude, if you had told me we were boarding a ferry to Channel Islands to do an environmental clean up, obviously I would said no.
Gus: That’s exactly what I told you.
Shawn: And what did I say?
Gus: You said no.
Shawn: Then why am I here?
Gus: Because you’re easily distracted.

Gus: If the prison guard is here there where are the convicts?
Shawn: Gus, this is a prison break.

Gus: Wait. Where is your gun?
Craig: Oh. They probably turned it in for some books at the local community center. Where you think it’s at, man?

Gus: We need to call the police.
Shawn: That’s the sixth time you’ve said that today and this time I actually agree with you.

Shawn: Dad, listen up and listen carefully. Gus and I are on some ferry with some ridiculous environmental clean-up.
Gus: Do not editorialize, Shawn!

Henry: Shawn, the worst thing you can do in these situations is take matters into your own hands.
Shawn: Got it. {he hangs up} We’re going to have to take matters into our own hands.
Gus: Are you sure that’s what your dad said?
Shawn: Gus, don’t be the one game at Chuck E. Cheese that isn’t broken. By the time the police arrive these prisoners will be halfway from here to the Pacific Ocean.
Gus: Halfway from here to the Pacific Ocean is the Pacific Ocean, Shawn.

 

Northcutt puts down the gun
Shawn
: Gus, it worked. It’s a miracle.
Gus: No, Shawn, it’s not.
Craig armed: I’ll take that.
Shawn: Craig.

Gus: The important thing is that, in the end, you made the right choice.
Shawn: Sounds like the wrap-up to a Scooby-Doo movie.
Gus: I know.

Shawn 2.0

1990

Young Gus: Why can’t I ever beat him?
Henry: ‘Cause you got no game, Gus. I’d stick to tapping.

Henry: Winners don’t need spots. You know what they need?
Young Gus: Steroids!
Henry: Nobody’s using that stuff, Gus. That’s just a rumor. I’ll tell you what they need, Shawn. They need a belief that they can be victorious no matter how tough the challenge. Now. {he tosses him the ball} Start believing. {Shawn goes for the shot and Henry bats it away}. Get that weak ass crap outta my face. This is my house!
Young Gus: Technically it’s the bank’s.

Henry: You’re never going to improve in life if you keep competing with people who stink. No offense, Gus.
Young Gus: None taken.
Henry: You gotta challenge yourself. If you don’t, complacency sets in. Bad things happen when you become complacent.

Present Day

Shawn: You’re one to talk, Mr. I Bought Win a Date with Tad Hamilton on DVD.
Gus: There were fifteen deleted scenes, Shawn. Fifteen.

Gus: You said you were going into the office last night to catch up on work.
Shawn: Which I did. Then I saw those beers in the fridge.
Gus: Our fridge doesn’t work.
Shawn: Yes, but 7-11’s does.

Shawn: I really don’t like the cut of that guy’s jib, Gus. Something about him, what is it?
Gus: Let’s see. Smart. Knowledgeable of film. A crime-solving machine. He’s Shawn 2.0.

Shawn: Heyyy, Jooles.
Juliet: Why are you talking like that?
Gus: Sometimes he over-enunciates when he gets uncomfortable.
Shawn: I do not.

Shawn: Did you hear that?
Gus: Every ill-conceived word.

Chief Vick: All precinct resources will be made available to you including outside consultants.
Henry: Specifically we’ll be bringing in Psych because of their experience working with serial killers.
Shawn: We help them write and produce one-act plays on the weekend.
Gus: They’re usually very dark.

 

Shawn: Tried to make some joe but our coffee maker’s busted.
Gus: We don’t have a coffee maker.
Shawn: Then what was I fiddling with for the last half-hour?

Gus: My humidifier looks nothing like a coffee maker!
Shawn: I’ll buy you a new one.

Gus: None of those stupid expressions are coming back.
Shawn: That’s what they said about Hammer pants.
Gus: Which never came back.
Shawn: Then why did I just buy three pair?
Gus: Because you’re an idiot.
Shawn: Because it’s Hammer Time!
Gus: It’s never Hammer Time, Shawn.

 

Gus: What you got?
Shawn: Three things. One: I’m not the only closet chick lit lover around here. Two: Declan is a complete fraud. And, H: He may just be our murderer.

Shawn: There is no record of Declan going there.
Gus: So the guy lied on his resume. If that makes someone a killer then you’re Ted Bundy.
Shawn: Look, Gus, this isn’t about me. Or the fact that I wasn’t really a background dancer in the Thriller video.

Gus: Once again we’re on the verge of trying to apprehend a potential killer without a weapon.

 

Gus: This sucks. I can’t believe I’m single again.
Shawn: You know who can? Anyone who met you eight days ago.

One, Maybe Two, Ways Out

Santa Barbara 0837 Hours

Gus: This is because she’s dating Declan now.
Shawn: I wouldn’t call it dating.
Gus: What would you call it?
Shawn: Dating. I just didn’t want to say it.

 

Shawn: Do you still have that giant astronomy coloring book back in the Psych office?
Gus: It’s not a coloring book.
Shawn: Uh oh. {to Nadia} He’s gonna be so mad at me.

 

Gus: Who were you just talking to?
Shawn: Nadia. She was in the police station.
Gus: Are you kidding me?
Shawn: That’s so risky and so sexy.
She’s really starting to like me.
Gus: She wants to kill you, Shawn.

Shawn: This is our chance to Bourne it up. I’m Matt Damon, you’re Adewale Akinnuoye-Agabaj… non.
Gus: That’s not how you say his name.
Shawn: That’s who you are though.
Gus: Oh no I’m not. I’m not going to be there.
Shawn: It’s too late to recast. The part is yours. Let’s go take down a spy.

Extradition II: The Actual Extradition Part

Gus: First class tickets.
Shawn: And three nights hotel. Paid for.
Gus: By a world class criminal.
Shawn: Please. Despereaux staged art thefts. That’s barely a crime.
Gus: I don’t think you’re allowed to accept lavish gifts from people you sent to prison.
Shawn: Says who? The sultan of Canada? Look, all Despereaux wants is a little face time. Ten minutes. Maybe less. He’s lonely. By himself in his Canadian prison. And we put him there. The least we can do is give him a chance to explain himself.
Gus: Oh, so I’m the crazy one for being nervous about accepting an invitation to visit from a criminal that almost killed us?
Shawn: That little gun he pointed at my head.
Gus: Twice.
Shawn: Not loaded.
Gus: How do you know?
Shawn: He told me.
Gus: You spoke to him before this?
Shawn: I follow him on Twitter.

Shawn: Gus, come on. Be a little spontaneous. Canada’s one of the top fifty countries in the world.
Gus: And how many countries are there?
Shawn: At least fifty. Maybe more.

 

 

Despereaux: You see, Shawn, my life’s goal has always been to commit the perfect crime. I’ve always of my heists as… elegant. Victimless. But you made me feel somehow… regretful. You genuinely wanted me to be the greatest thief that ever lived.
Shawn: You know that’s right. {Gus glares at him}
Despereaux: Well gentlemen, I need you to know that I am capable of all the things you thought I could do. And more. And I’d like the opportunity to prove it to you.
Gus: You don’t have to prove to us that you’re a great criminal.
Despereaux: I want to.
Gus: You shouldn’t.
Despereaux: But I will.

Gus: Our luggage was in the trunk wasn’t it.
Shawn: Yes it was.
Gus: Our wallet’s in our bags.
Shawn: Mm hm.
Gus: Passport’s in our wallets.
Shawn: You know it. I do have this though.
Gus: Two Altoids?
Shawn: I wish. It’s a piece of chalk split in half.
Gus: If we’re out here for more than two days, I will eat you alive.
Shawn: You couldn’t eat me.
Gus: I will finish you whole.
Shawn: That doesn’t make any sense.
Gus: I will eat you in [] bite-sized pieces.

Gus: Which one?
Shawn: Which one what?
Gus: Which one are you freaking out about? Juliet or Despereaux?
Shawn: I don’t know. Both I guess.

 

In Plain Fright

1990

Young Shawn: Gus, you’ve been on this ride like twenty times. Why are you chickening out now?
Young Gus: This ride just doesn’t seem mechanically sound. How do we know it’s not going to break and eject us out of the building?
Young Shawn: Gus, the ride is twelve inches off the ground.
Young Gus: Well why are you nervous?
Young Shawn: Because everybody knows that animatronic goblins
can sometimes come to life in the weirdest of situations.
Young Gus: That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
Young Shawn: Really? Then you go first.
Young Gus: You go first!
Young Shawn: I want to go first. But not until you go.

Present Day

 

Shawn: Dude. You, me, haunted house. Let’s ride some rides.
Gus: Wait a second. We haven’t even had any churros yet. This year they’re wrapped in bacon.
Shawn: Didn’t we come here to be scared?
Gus: Exactly. What’s more scary than a churro wrapped in bacon?

Shawn: Dude, you’re not even looking.
Gus: I’m drinking it all in.
Shawn: You’re eyes are closed and you’re pretending to be startled by things.
Gus: I was just startled.
Shawn: By what, the exit light?

Shawn: Wait a minute. Gus, did you see that?
Gus: I was testing my watch to see if it really glowed in the dark.
Shawn: Gus, I just saw somebody get killed!

 

Gus: Do you have any idea how dangerous this is? We’re gonna find a dead body, alright. Mine. Drug by one of these ride cars.
Shawn: You’ll be the first documented dragging death at three miles per hour.
Gus: Actually, I’ll be the third. In 1974, there was a guy—
Shawn: I can’t do this with you right now.

Shawn: What are you saying, “my eye”? Are you saying “my eye” at the end?
Gus: I let out a very eerie “r”.
Shawn: It wasn’t eerie.
Gus: And then I added a layer to intimate that my eye had been removed. It’s been horrifying like that.
Shawn: I thought you had a loose eyelash or possibly a sty.
Gus: Eyes are scary on a psychological level, Shawn.
Shawn: So you’re warning riders of the dangers of conjuctivitus?

Gus: I can’t believe this. I’m in Carnival Jail.
Shawn: What are you so worried about? It’s not like they’re going to call our parents or something.

Shawn: Dude, don’t be the only black lead on a major cable network. My dad’s never had me arrested.
Gus: Yes he has.

Shawn: We have a bona fide Scooby Doo case that has fallen into our laps. Dead guy, haunted house, amusement park. Gus, says “zoinks.”
Gus: I’m not saying zoinks.
Shawn: Then say “jinkeys”.
Gus: Jinkeys.

Shawn: You don’t want to go through a dead man’s office but you’ll eat his candy?
Gus: It’s Grandma candy, Shawn. Nobody’ll want it.
Shawn: It’s so shiny.

Juliet: I’m going to go get Lassiter. Stay put. {she runs off}
Gus: Are we really going to wait for Lassiter?
Shawn: That would be a first.

Shawn: Gus, seeing as how we might be dying at any moment, I have a confession to make. Remember how you got bummed out when I started seeing Abigail? You thought things between us were going to change and you ate all those waffles to try and deal with it?
Gus: What the hell are you talking about, Shawn?
Eve (Nora Dunn): I don’t think this is really the time for this!
Shawn: I hooked up with Juliet.
Gus: So?
Shawn: So? We’re breaking up the duo. It’s not just Shawn and Gus anymore. Now it’s more like that Say Say Say video.
Gus: You’ve been after her for five years.
Eve: Five years?
Gus: He’s really not that smooth.
Shawn: I’m not that smooth?

Dual Spires

Present Day

Shawn: Dude, do you know they make silent window shades? Some woman in Washington invented them back in the early-90s.
Gus: Since when is the sound of opening and closing shades so disruptive that it needs to be alleviated
Shawn: Why do have to hate on other people’s triumphs of innovation.
Gus: Weird.
Shawn: It’s not weird, it’s selfish. And more than a little petty.
Gus: No, not that. Come take a look at this.
Shawn: Man, this better not be another auction for one of Stoney Jackson’s neckerchiefs.

Shawn: Well look up this town Dual Spires. I mean how can there be a Cinnamon Festival that we’ve never heard of? {looking at the map} Zoom in.
Gus: Dude. This town is so small that it’s in parentheses. How the heck did we get this email?
Shawn: It’s a delicious mystery.

Shawn: Half-a-mile from the nearest road.
Gus: No wonder it’s in parentheses. This is one secluded town.
Shawn: Let’s get some cinnamon.

Shawn: Wow, everyone looks so happy. And yet so perplexed.
Gus: Something’s off about this place, Shawn. People keep looking like I’m the first black man they’ve seen.
Shawn: Come on, Gus. Don’t be absurd.
Girl on Bike: Hey Mister. Are you Frederick Douglass?
Gus: Shawn. We need to get out of here.

Sheriff Andrew Jackson (Lenny von Dohlen): We don’t have the internet in Dual Spires. It’s simpler that way.
Shawn: Dude, we’re doing Witness.
Gus: They were Amish.
Shawn: Not Danny Glover, he was black.
Gus: What are you talking about?

Shawn: You found the monkey bread.
Gus: You know that’s right.

Gus: Mrs. Barker, is everything okay?
Michelle Barker (Robyn Lively): No. Everything is not okay.
Bob: Michelle.
Michelle: What? I can’t just sit here, and pretend to be excited about churros, and Leo the Cinnamon Owl.
Shawn: I sense someone is missing.
Bob: Our niece, Paula. She’s been gone about a day and a half.

Shawn: Come on, dude.
Gus: You know I’m a sympathetic cryer, Shawn. Just leave me be.

Gus: Shawn, we have reached a new low point in our life.
Shawn: Are you kidding me? It’s like Driving Miss Daisy. Except you get to be Miss Daisy.
Gus: I don’t want to be in the movie, Shawn.

Wood Woman (Catherine E. Coulson): What did Grandma tell you about wandering off in the store? {a little kid finally pops up}
Gus relieved: I was going to say.
Shawn: That would have been too much.

Randy: Who are you?
Shawn: A couple of guys with a passion for the truth.
Gus: And cinnamon.

Shawn: I really thought we were being discreet.
Gus: You do know what discreet means, don’t you? That’s a serious question.

Gus: Do you mind if we poke around?
Shawn: Poke.
Gus: Peek.
Shawn: Peek around.
Gus: Yes.

Gus: A girl drowns, gets reincarnated and then drowns seven years later? Worst Cinnamon Festival ever.

Bob: You two understand, right?
Shawn: We’re not here to judge you, Mr. Barker. We came to investigate, catch bad guys and eat pie.
Gus: Not necessarily in that order.
Shawn: And it hasn’t been.
Gus: No.
Shawn: We started with the pie.
Gus: Always.

Shawn: Every teenager has a secret spot, Gus. Remember when I found those weird photos of John Cusack in your night stand?
Gus: That was Joan.
Shawn: Really? That’s much less weird. Wait. No, it’s not. Not really.

Shawn about Jack: Jon Cryer in Pretty In Pink.
Gus: Nobody in this town has ever seen that movie, Shawn.
Shawn: Well I refuse to accept that.

Shawn: So do you think this guy killed Paula?
Gus: Most definitely. He’s a freaky dude living in a freaky place, and you notice he won’t ever make eye contact with you? There’s only one reason for that: guilt.
Shawn: Actually, there may be another.

Shawn: I gotta tell you, you are the highest functioning blind person that I have ever seen.

Jack Smith: …and then jet blackness.
Gus: What does that mean?
Shawn: Great porn name for you.

 

Gus: If we leave now I’ll let you play the theme to Weird Science over and over in the car. What do you say?

Gus: So who killed Paula Merral?
Shawn: I don’t know. But we’re gonna find out.

Gus: Shawn, we’re gonna die in this tiny stupid room!
Shawn: Don’t be the scream from Holding Back the Years. You’re right though, this could be it for us.

Gus: Father Westley! Thank God you were here. Literally.
Shawn: We were about to be wicker men. How did you find us?
Father Westley: I just had faith.
Shawn: Really?
Father Westley: No.

 

We’d Like to Thank the Academy

Gus: Do you think the chief called us in to congratulate us on our bust yesterday?
Shawn: Most definitely. I’m also assuming that there will be an award involved.
Gus: A busty.
Shawn: I was thinking Lifetime Achievement. Busties usually go to strippers or sculptors. Lionel Ritchie has one.

Chief Vick: Yesterday’s stunt may be the most assisine and idiotic thing I’ve seen in all my years at this department.
Gus: That doesn’t sound like props.
Shawn: She’s roasting us.
Gus: Oh.
Henry: What the hell do you think you were doing?
Shawn: Oh I don’t know, catching the bad guys?

Shawn: In the end we always come through.
Gus: Just like the chairman of the Federal Reserve.

 

Shawn: Dude, this is so Top Gun. I’m Cruise, she’s McGillis, you’re Sundown.
Gus: Why can’t I be the Goose?
Shawn: You know why.
Gus: Stop hypothetically typecasting me, Shawn.

Shawn: Sundown, we’re in.
Gus: I’m Goose, Shawn. The black Goose.
Shawn: That has no ring to it at all.

Shawn: We’ve been known to lay down a few wagers ourselves. The racing hot dogs on the Jumobtron at ballgames.
Gus: Always bet on relish.

Shawn: So Chris and Dickey get in over their heads with this goon. They knock off Devry, grab the cash they need to pay him back.
Gus: Which may be the dumbest plan two geniuses ever came up with.

Gus: Seriously, how does Devry keep showing up at places moments after we do?
Shawn: Uh oh. I think I know who has my walkie.

Shawn: You do realize this is the end of True Romance.
Gus: That was a massacre, Shawn. Everybody died.
Shawn: That’s not true. Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette made it out.
Dickie: And Michael Rappaport.
Shawn: Good point, Dickie. I forgot about that.

Shawn: Dude, what was that?
Gus: It’s me!
Shawn: Are you kidding me? You’ve achieved pitch-perfect AK-47 mouth action.
Gus: I know! I’ve been practicing!
Shawn: Air bump.

The Polarizing Express

Present Day

Gus: I told you not to go into that building without the police but you never listen to me. Ever. Now they look like amateurs and Psych might be finished.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be the way Eriq La Salle spells “Eriq.” You know I would never go snooping around without checking for security cameras. They must have been hidden.

 

Shawn: Gus, the lightbulb came on. I’ve had a catheter.
Gus: Catharsis.

Shawn: Where do you think the Super Sniffer ranks among other hero’s powers?
Gus: Below X-ray vision and weather control, but definitely better than anything Robin brings to the table.
Shawn: Which is nothing.
Gus: Exactly.

Gus: So what’s our move?
Shawn: Brace yourself, Gus. We’re going to have to play by the book. It’ll be difficult, but I’m gonna help you through it.
Gus: I always play by the book.

Shawn: Is it area codes or state capitols that you’re all Rain Man-y with?
Gus: I’m Rain Man with area codes. With state capitols I’m more like John Nash.
Shawn: The dude from Clean House?
Gus: That’s Niecy Nash, Shawn. And she’s a fine, full-bodied woman.

Shawn: You know they say the wormwood in absinthe makes your shadow glow. We should do shots and then play laser tag.
Gus: Shawn, you need to try to take a nap. You look tired.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be Keith Sweat now. I’m sharp as a tack.

Shawn: I apologize to cockroaches everywhere. Especially Jiminy Cricket. Although for the first time in over thirty years it occurs to me, he might be a cricket.
Gus: Of course he’s a cricket.

Dead Bear Walking

 

Lauren Lassiter (April Bowlby): What must it be like to have the privilege to work alongsidemy brother every day. Isn’t he amazing?
Gus: You’re amazing. The way you press that record button and whatnot.
Lauren: He used to run hurdles in high school until he sprained his groin.
Shawn: You know, Gus here doesn’t have a groin. And that’s a true story. {Lauren walks off}
Gus: Why?
Shawn: ‘Cause you’re being super creepy.

Gus: I’m out. You got this alone.
Shawn: Are you serious?
Gus: I’m dead serious. I don’t even like bears in fables, Shawn. Goldilocks was a crazy blonde shorty for goin’ up in that house in the first place.
Shawn: Don’t say shorty.
Gus: Shorty.

Shawn: You’re on the wooded path to nowhere!
Gus: I just don’t like bears Shawn.

Gus: I don’t want to be the uptight one here, but listen, we cannot keep a bear in the Psych office held in by a piece of kite string.

Macleod Sinclaire (Brian Klugman): Animals were not meant to be in captivity!
Gus: Or my office.

 

Yang 3 in 2D

1990

 

Present Day