Gossip Girl: As summer comes an end, I’d like to share a few things I’ve learned about fun in the sun. Gossip Girl Summer Tip #1: Don’t fall asleep on the job. The best hookups are free of morning breath and awkward conversation. The only thing harder than making up is waking up.
Serena: It was so romantic, what you did. Showing up here. And it feels so right to be together.
Dan: But you’re having second thoughts.
Serena: No. I, I just think that we should think before we get back together. Right?
Dan: Yeah, I, I thought this meant we were back together.
Gossip Girl: Summer Tip #2: There is no “we” in summer. Only you and me. Find out where you stand before you find yourself stood up. Anyone can canoodle in July and August, but will he be gone by September?
Blair: Since you don’t go to Princeton or Georgetown I assume you’re not headed back to college. So where are you headed? Are you staying here?
Marcus (Patrick Heusinger): Well would it be too forward of me to say I’ll go wherever you go.
Blair: I’d be honored, m’lord.
Marcus: Blair, you don’t have to call me that.
Blair: I know. I was up all night reading Debrett’s Peerage. I’m well-versed in your laws and ways. I’m ready to meet the Queen. Which I also watched on DVD, BTW.
Blair: It’s like Roman Holiday. Only I’m Gregory Peck and he’s Audrey Hepburn.
Anne Archibald (Francie Swift): I haven’t wanted to tell you this, but you’re going to find out soon enough.
Nate: Find out what?
Anne: The federal prosecutor has taken your father’s leaving town as an admission of guilt. They want us to forfeit our assets. Restitution.
Nate: They want to take our money?
Anne: Not yet. But they have frozen our accounts.
Gossip Girl: Tip #3: Take time to smell the flowers. It’s true that all good things must come to an end, and August is no exception. They don’t call it “fall” for nothing.
Gossip Girl: Cheers to that, Blair. Nothing says welcome home like a bottle of bubbly. And a scandal bubbling.
Nate: No offense, but don’t you think you’re a little outmatched?
Chuck: At squash? I’ve been playing my father since the eighth grade. How good could Marcus be.
Nate: No, I mean as a guy. Blair wants to be a princess and your greatest achievement is owning part of a burlesque club.
Chuck: Which is why I have to get to know him. No one’s that perfect. Once I get him out of the way I’ll have a clear shot at Blair.
Nate: Oh you know it’s love when you start talking like an assassin.
Chuck: I think you’re jealous of my new best friend.
Nate: Well I have been hoping someone would tag in for awhile now.
Nate about the investigation: We’ll deal with it.
Investigator: Maybe you will. But after spending so much time in your mom’s closet I feel like I know the lady. I don’t think she’ll adjust so well.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: Chuck Bass putting his new BFF on speed dial. Is it the beginning of a beautiful bromance? Or the end of Blair’s bid to be British?
Blair: Well done, Dorota. I like what I’m seeing. Now make the library the Sky Terrace; the renoculous, dahlias; the [?]. And I think we’ve got ourselves a party.
Dorota: Thank you, Miss Blair.
Blair: This guest list, however, is a complete page one.
Dorota: But those are your friends.
Blair: Then invite strangers! I have to present myself as a crown jewel. Surrounded by other, smaller, slightly flawed gems. But quality none the less. And try to round up a few people who can vote so it doesn’t feel like a total high school party.
Blair: Marcus dated the descendant of Princess Grace. His consort needs to be able to host royal dinners and hobnob with oligarchs and dictators.
Serena: Well if you can’t find common ground with a dictator I don’t know who can.
Chuck: Is this going to take any longer? I told Mrs. Archibald we could have it done by tonight.
Gossip Girl: Lordy, lordy, look who’s 40. Or at least a well-preserved 38. Is this risky business or strictly business?
Blair: I just love Mozart!
Marcus: That wasn’t Mozart.
Gossip Girl: What’s this? Chuck’s date and Blair’s date are mother and son? And Nate and Blair are exes? And Nate and the mother are in a book club? Now there’s a novel plot twist.
Blair: This party’s a complete bust. My whole life’s a bust.
Serena: Well it serves you right. You were scheming to convince Marcus you’re someone you’re not.
Blair: But my intentions were good. I really do like him, I just— As soon as I knew he liked me I would have relaxed and dropped the manipulative plotting and devoted myself to being the best girlfriend ever.
Serena: See? Thank you! There’s my B. Show this girl to Catherine and she’ll want you to be with Marcus. This is you, just be yourself.
Blair: She made Waldorf rhyme with Spears. I may as well have gone commando and held my party at Nyla’s Burger Basket.
Blair: Can I just say how sorry I am that I judged you earlier?
Catherine: You judged me?
Blair: I thought you were just a callow, social-climbing, former swimsuit model who married above her station only to be enslaved by her own insecurities. But now that I’ve seen you rolling around on the floor with my adolescent ex I understand you have a compassionate side too.
Chuck: Did you enjoy meeting Duchess Beeton?
Blair: I did.
Chuck: That’s not sarcasm in your voice, that’s—
Blair: Victory. I know. Your plan to ruin me totally backfired. Turns out Marcus’ mommy is even sicker than you are.
Chuck: You got along great.
Blair: I think she recognized a part of herself in me. Or rather I recognized someone in her.
Chuck: I don’t follow.
Blair: All you need to know is that you lost. But don’t be too hard on yourself. It was a solid effort.
Chuck: Tomorrow’s another day.
Blair: Goodnight Chuck.
Chuck: Goodnight Blair.
GG: Every summer, vacationers traverse the globe in search of new sights and experiences. But when it comes to scandal, I’ll take Manhattan every time. Welcome home, Upper East Siders. You know you missed me. XOXO —Gossip Girl