Blair: You want your dad to invest in a strip joint. How Midtown.
Chuck: A burlesque club. A respectable place where people can be transported to another time. Where they can feel free to let loose. No judgment. Pure escape. What happens at Victrola stays at Victrola.
Jenny: Dad, have you seen a bracelet? You know, round, silverish, sparkly?
Rufus: Yeah, I think I saw that next to that ambiguous vague thing by the nondescript place.
Serena: You think, all the money we spend on private school, they could at least give us a comfortable spot to make out.
Dan: Or better chemistry teachers. Mr. Pizer is a little weird.
Serena: You’re thinking about Mr. Pizer right now?
Dan: We are at school.
Nate to Jenny: Oh, Serena, right?
Jenny: That’s funny.
Nate: Hm. Not really, no.
Blair: Oh that is so sweet! I prefer the Gold Collection. But thanks.
Chuck about Lily: Not much future as an actress.
Bart Bass (Robert John Burke): What’s with the business formal? Are you being arraigned for something?
Dan: How was I?
Serena: I don’t know. Let’s ask the judges.
BT1: I was gonna give you a three, but since you’re a virgin I gave you an extra point.
Dan: Hey, I chose to wait. Sex is meaningful. Like art. And you don’t rush art.
BT2: Who’s Art?
Rufus: Yes Allison, I did encourage you to do your paintings, not the next door neighbor.
Gossip Girl: Looks like parents can be deceiving on both sides of the Bridge.
Gossip Girl: Looks like the pot calling the kettle black has young Bass boiling over. And if we know Chuck, he’s not one to let things lie. Someone pour that man a drink.
Eleanor (Margaret Colin): You need to look elegant for the Archibald dinner tomorrow night. So what do you think?
Blair: Yes, it would be very nice if I was sailing up on the Mayflower.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: Bass drunk off his ass.
Chuck: Nathaniel. Your position in my esteem has been replaced by your voicemail.
Lily: Long night?
Chuck: Alfonso made me an omelet. I may have washed it down with a Bellini or two.
Chuck: He tells me I can’t be committed and he’s the one screwing 25 year olds. When he’s supposedly committed to you.
Lily: We’re… newly committed as recent as last week.
Chuck: I wonder why he was pawing some Asian chick in his limo yesterday.
Lily: How can I be surprised, really.
Nate: You look down at the floor every time someone tries to tell you the truth. Just look at me. Mom. I saw Dad buying drugs yesterday.
Anne Archibald (Francie Swift: He’s been under a lot of pressure. And if you hadn’t been so difficult lately.
Nate: Mom, Dad needs your help.
Anne: Not another word of this. We have a celebratory dinner to get to. Please wear a tie.
Dan to Vanessa: Can you please not turn my sex life into a country song?
Blair to Jenny: Why are you not happy for me?
Jenny: Yesterday wasn’t the first time I talked to Nate. At the ball he told me he wasn’t over Serena.
Blair: Why would he tell you that?
Jenny: Because I was wearing her mask. And he thought I was her. And he kissed me.
Blair: That’s enough.
Jenny: Blair, I didn’t want you to find out.
Blair: You’re dismissed, Jenny. For good.
Dan: The leg wrap. That’s interesting.
Serena: Sexy, right? And it increases stability.
Dan: Sure, yeah. I can see that. The hair grab, does that really work?
Nate: Oh yeah, every time.
Dan: Okay, so. Leg wrap to hair grab. Hold on a second, do I have to keep my shirt open and billowing like that?
Nate: It never hurts.
Serena: Nice.
Dan: I’m doomed.
Rufus: Sensuous massage. Something we should talk about?
Dan: Oh, uh. No. I have a lot of tension. Stress in between my shoulder blades.
Vanessa to Jenny: You look pretty good for a dead messenger.
Nate: Dad, you have a problem.
Howard (Sam Robards): I don’t have a problem.
Nate: You’re tweaked and embarrassing, you’re trying to tell me you don’t have a problem?
Blair to Nate: You should deal with your father. He needs you. And you know what? I don’t.
Blair: You know, I got moves.
Who’s that girl?
Chuck: I have no idea.
Lily: Well. This is a new strain of obsessive-compulsive.
Rufus: The art piece projects up to the ceiling.
Lily: Still doing anything to get a girl on her back, huh?
Rufus: What are you doing here, Lil?
Lily: Oh, ah—
Rufus: Let me ask you that question another way: did you break up with Bart again?
Lily: Well. What did I do to deserve such a thorny welcome?
Rufus: I’m sorry, I’m really not in the mood to play games. I don’t know what’s happening with my wife, or my marriage. And you showing up here randomly—and often—doesn’t make figuring that out any easier.
Lily: I’m sorry I bothered you. Really.
Serena: Wait—
Dan: What, did I do something wrong? I knew the hair thing was too much.
Serena: No, it’s just… um.
Dan: “Um” is never good.