Gossip Girl Season 1

Pilot

2007.09.19    

Andrew Stewart-Jones  Ed Westwick  Nan Zhang  Nicole Fiscella  Sam Robards

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Gossip Girl (Kristen Bell): Hey Upper East Siders. Gossip Girl here. And I have the biggest news ever. One of my many sources, Melanie91, sends us this: “Spotted at Grand Central, bags in hand: Serena van der Woodsen.” Was it only a year ago our It Girl mysteriously disappeared for “boarding school”? And just as suddenly, she’s back. Don’t believe me? See for yourselves. Lucky for us, Melanie91 sent proof. Thanks for the photo, Mel.

Rufus Humphrey (Matthew Settle): Welcome back. How was your weekend? How’s your mom?
Jenny Humphrey (Taylor Momsen): She’s fine.
Dan Humphrey (Penn Badgely): She’s good.
Jenny: Fine and good.
Dan: She’s good and… fine.
Rufus: Like “maybe I never should have left Manhattan” fine? Or “taking time off from my marriage was the best idea I ever had” fine?
Dan changing the subject: Dad, you know what, I’m starving.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Lonely Boy. Can’t believe the love of his life has returned. If only she knew who he was. But everyone knows Serena. And everyone is talking. Wonder what Blair Waldorf thinks. Sure, they’re BFF’s, but we always thought Blair’s boyfriend Nate had a thing for Serena.

Eleanor Waldorf: Blair. If you’re going to wear one of my designs tell me so we can at least get it properly fitted.
Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester): Thanks Mom. I’ll keep that in mind.

Gossip Girl: Better lock it down with Nate, B. Clock’s ticking.

Kati Farkas (Nan Zhang): Oh my god! You’ll never believe what’s on Gossip Girl.
Isabel Coates (Nicole Fiscella): Someone saw Serena getting off the train at Grand Central.
Chuck Bass (Ed Westwick): Good. Things were getting a little dull around here.

Blair: I love you, Nate Archibald. Always have, always will.
Nate Archibald (Chace Crawford): I love you too.

Eleanor at the door: Blair. It’s Serena!
Nate: Serena?
Blair: Serena’s at school. Kiss me.
Nate: No, I just heard your mom say she’s here. Don’t you want to go say hey?

Serena van der Woodsen (Blake Lively): So where is he? What, they haven’t let him out yet?
Lily van der Woodsen (Kelly Rutherford): Let’s not talk discuss that right now, okay?

Blair: Serena! So good to see you. Come, we’re about to have dinner.
Eleanor: I’ll set a place for you at the table next to Blair.
Serena: Yeah, actually, um, there’s somewhere I have to go.
Blair: You’re leaving?
Serena: Yeah, I don’t feel well. I just wanted to come by and say hi. I’ll see you at school tomorrow. {she leaves}
Blair: School. So I guess she’s back for good.
Kati: Didn’t you know she was coming?
Blair: Of course I did. I just wanted it to be a surprise.

Gossip Girl: Word is that S bailed on B’s party in under ninety seconds. And didn’t even have one limoncello.

Gossip Girl: Has our bad girl really gone good? Or is it all just part of the act?

Gossip Girl: Why’d she leave? Why’d she return? Send me all the deets. And who am I? That’s the secret I’ll never tell. The only one. —XOXO. Gossip Girl.

Serena: Hey. How are you?
Eric van der Woodsen (Connor Paolo): You know. I’ve been better.
Serena: Eric, I know I’ve been a terrible sister. I’m just so happy to see you.
Eric: Must be a lot of rumors why you’re back.
Serena: Yeah. But none of them mention you.
Eric: Just like mom wants, huh?

Serena: Let me guess, you told everyone Eric’s just visiting Grandpa in Rhode Island.
Lily: Your aunt Carol in Miami.
Serena: So you’re actually hiding him? He tries to take his own life and you’re worried it’s going to cost you Mom of the Year?
Lily: Serena, you’ve been gone. Doing who knows what with god knows who—
Serena: I told you, boarding school was not like that.
Lily: You know, as happy as I am to have you home, you have no idea what it’s been like.

Rufus Humphrey: Guess whose dad is cool.
Jenny: It’s a trick question.
Dan: Yeah, ’cause it can’t be ours.
Rufus: Look at this.
Dan reading Rolling Stone: “Top Ten Forgotten Bands of the 90s.”
Rufus: Yeah. Check out who’s number nine.
Jenny: He’s very proud.
Dan: Hey! Hey! Way to be forgotten.
Rufus: But that’s how you get remembered.

Jenny: One of the girls in my art class saw my calligraphy and she said that if I addressed all the invitations that I could have one.
Rufus: Sounds very fair. Sweat shops could learn a thing or two.
Jenny: Dad this is not platform for one of your anti-Capitalist rants.
Rufus: Yes it is.
Jenny: Besides, you make us go to private schools.
Rufus: That’s for your education.
Jenny: So we should just be anonymous losers who eat lunch alone and never get invited to parties.
Dan: Works for me.

Nate: Your mom told me you guys were staying here at the Palace.
Serena: Yeah, we’re renovating again. You know my mom. If it’s not broke, break it.

Serena: So what are you doing here?
Nate: Oh, I just wanted to see how you were. You seemed kind of upset last night.
Serena: I gotta get going and change for school. I’m gonna be late.
Nate: Serena—
Serena: No. No.
Nate: But you’re back now.
Serena: I didn’t come back for you. Look, Blair’s my best friend. And you’re her boyfriend. And she loves you. That’s the way things are supposed to be.

Chuck Bass: Serena looked effing hot last night. There’s something wrong with that level of perfection, it needs to be violated.
Nate: You are deeply disturbed.
Chuck: And yet you know I’m right. You’re telling me if you had the chance—
Nate: I have a girlfriend.
Chuck: You guys have been dating since kindergarten yet you haven’t sealed the deal.
Nate: Who says “seal the deal”?

Chuck: Are you following us or something?
Dan: No, I go to your school. Identical uniforms, isn’t that kind of a tip-off?
Nate: That’s funny. {they leave}
Dan: So, you guys wanna sit together at lunch?

Serena: So. When’s the party?
Blair: Saturday. And you’re kinda not invited. Since until twelve hours ago everyone thought you were at boarding school. And now we’re full. Jenny used up all the invites.
Jenny: Um. Actually…
Blair: You can go now. {Jenny leaves} Sorry.
Serena: No, that’s okay. I’ve got a lot of stuff to do anyway.
Blair: Well we should get going then. Unless you want us to wait for you. Looks like you’ve got a lot of yogurt left.

Gossip Girl: Spotted on the steps of the Met: an S. and B. power struggle.Did S think she could waltz home and things would be just like they were? Did B think S would go down without a fight? Or can these two hotties work it out? There’s nothing Gossip Girl likes more than a good cat fight. And this could be a classic.

Dan: Ah, you know Dad, there’s this thing called MySpace. Where you could post all this information online. Save some trees. Have a blog.
Rufus: Maybe if musicians got off their “blogs” and picked up their guitars the music business would be in better shape.
Dan: Spoken like a true relic.
Rufus: Thanks son.

Serena: I talked to the nurse and I’m kidnapping you.
Eric: We’re going shopping, aren’t we?

Dan: Jenny. What is it? What’s wrong?
Jenny: Do you like this on me?
Dan: Wait a second. Is that why you needed me? I thought this was an emergency.
Jenny: A fashion emergency. I mean, come on, I’ve never been to a big dance before.
Dan: Neither have I.

Serena: Jenny, right?
Jenny: Yeah hi.
Serena: This is my—
Eric: Stylist. And personal shopper, Eric.

Chuck: This is some good stuff.
Nate: Yeah. I’m gonna need it. Blair’s mom’s at the country house.
Chuck: Yeah? Well then maybe I should swipe some of my dad’s Viagra. {Nate looks nonplussed}. Or my mom’s Paxil? Nathaniel, you’re finally about to have sex with your girlfriend. It’s like you’re headed to your execution.
Nate: No man, I’m good.
Chuck: Talk to Chuck, buddy. You and Blair have been dating forever. All of a sudden there’s a problem?
Nate: There’s no problem. It’s just… Do you ever feel like our lives have been planned out for us? That we’re just gonna end up like our parents?
Chuck: Man, what’s a dark thought.
Nate: Aren’t we entitled to choose? Just to be happy?
Chuck: Look, easy Socrates. What we’re entitled to is a trust fund. Maybe a house in the Hamptons. A prescription drug problem. But happiness does not seem to be on the menu. So smoke up, and seal the deal with Blair. ‘Cause you’re also entitled to tap that ass.

Serena: So how’s your mom doing with the divorce and everything?
Blair: Great. So my dad left her for another man. She lost fifteen pounds, got an eye lift. It’s been good for her.
Serena: I’m really sorry.
Blair: Yeah, I could tell. Since you didn’t call or write the entire time it was happening.

Blair: Do you know how it felt calling your house when you didn’t show up at school and having your mom say, “Serena didn’t tell you that she moved to Connecticut?”
Serena: I just, I had to go. I needed to get away from everything…. Please just trust me.
Blair: How can I trust you when I feel like I don’t even know you.
Serena: Let’s fix that. I saw you at school with Kati and Iz, and I get it. I don’t want to take any of that away from you—
Blair: Because it’s just yours to take away, isn’t it.
Serena: No, that’s not what I mean, I… I miss you. I just want things to go back to the way they used to be.

Serena: I love you, B.
Blair: I love you too, S.

Gossip Girl: Spotted at The Palace Hotel: S and B having a heart-to-heart. Hm… why so thirsty, S? You may have won over B for now but we still think you’re hiding something.

Dan: Hey.
Jenny: Ah, The Invisible Man returns. You know, I really had no idea you could move that fast.
Dan: Yeah, well you’re fashion emergency was solved so I figured my work was done.
Jenny: Come on, Dan. Serena said hi to you at a ninth grade birthday party and you’ve never forgotten it.
Dan: How could I? She was the only person that spoke to me.

Chuck: I love this town. I’m going to have to tell my parents the hotel they just bought is serving minors.
Serena: And if you get a drink they’re also serving pigs.
Chuck: Oo. I love it when you talk dirty.
Serena: You just love when a girl talks to you.
Chuck: Actually I prefer them when they’re not talking.
Serena: Hm. I’ve missed your witty banter.
Chuck: Let’s catch up. Take our clothes off, stare at each other.

Blair: What’s wrong?
Nate: Look, I don’t know how to say this—or if it’s even the right thing to do—but… there’s something I need to tell you.

Serena: Oh my god, this is so good.
Chuck: Well if you’re looking for a way to thank me I have a few ideas.
Serena: It’s a sandwich, Chuck. {Chuck gets closer} This is not happening, Chuck.
Chuck: You worried Nate will find out?
Serena: What?
Chuck: Last year, the Shepherd wedding. You think I don’t know why you left town?

Blair: But that was it? You guys kissed? {Nate’s silent}

Chuck: The best friend and the boyfriend. That’s pretty classy, S. I think you’re more like me than you’d admit.
Serena: No. No, that was then. I’m trying to change.
Chuck: I liked you better before.

Gossip Girl: And just when B and S had built a bridge, it all had to come crashing down. But dry your eyes. The Kiss on the Lips party is just around the corner. And you know who loves parties? Gossip Girl.

Howard “The Captain” Archibald (Sam Robards): You guys broke up?
Nate: Yeah, I guess we did.
Howard: Blair is a great girl.
Nate: I know. I’m just not sure she’s the girl for me.
Howard: You guys have been dating since kindergarten.
Nate: So I keep hearing.

Dan: Look, when Prince Charming found Cinderella’s slipper they didn’t accuse him of having a foot fetish.
Dexter (Andrew Stewart-Jones): And you’re Prince Charming? There’s Miss van der Woodsen now. Ah, Serena!
Dan: No no no. What are you doing don’t—
Dexter: Do you know this young man?
Dan: She doesn’t know me. Nobody knows me. It’s cool. It’s fine.
Serena: Oh, from last night. Right? I’m sorry about that.
Dan: You remember me? {to Dexter} She remembers me.
Dexter: Well he claims he found your cell phone.
Serena: Oh, you found it!

Lily: What are you and Dan Humphrey doing?
Dan: Ah… we’re going to a concert tonight.
Lily: Lincoln Hawk.
Dan: Yeah. Rolling Stone named them on e of the top ten forgotten bands of the 90s.
Serena: Wooo! I’m a huge fan.

Serena: So you’ll pick me up at eight?
Dan: You’d really go out with some guy you don’t know?
Serena: Well you can’t be worse than the guys I do know.

Nate: Look, Blair. I really hurt you. And I know that. And I wanna fix it.
Blair: Really? And how are you going to do that?
Nate: I’m going to put everything in the past. I’m not going to see Serena again or even talk to her. It’ll be like she doesn’t exist.
Blair: I think that’s a good idea. Let’s not mention it again.

Rufus: Lily. Are you shopping for some art to match your furniture?
Lily: Why is my daughter going to one of your concerts?
Rufus: ‘Cause we’re awesome.
Lily: With your son.
Rufus: Dan scored a date with Serena?
Lily: Mm hm.
Rufus: Well our kids were bound to meet. It’s a small island.
Lily: Are you sure it’s not some ploy—you’re using my daughter to get to me now that your wife left you?
Rufus: How do you know about Allison?
Lily: Like you said, small island.
Rufus: Oh, I get it. You hear about Allison, use your daughter as an excuse to start something.
Lily: In your dreams.
Rufus: Well you are in my dreams, Lily. And one in particular recurs. It involves finding you in the back of a Nine Inch Nails bus with your shoes in your earrings and Trent Reznor… Oh, that happened.
Lily: No need to rehash details of decades past. So I moved on.
Rufus: Yeah. From Trent to Layne to Perry. Until you switched up rock stars for billionaires.
Lily: You think you’re so cute. Washed-up band. Crappy so-called art gallery.
Rufus: Well. Not all of us have settlements from multiple divorces to sustain us.
Lily: Just stay out of my life, Rufus.

Eleanor: Blair, you will never be more beautiful or thin or happy than you are right now. I just want you to make the most of it.
Blair: I guess I have time to change.
Eleanor: And put some product in your hair. The ends are dry.

Gossip Girl: Looks like Little J might end up with a boy and a ticket to the inner circle. Or will he end up with another victim? I told you I love parties.

Serena: So you took me to meet your dad on a first date?
Dan: So, this is a date? Ah. Maybe I shouldn’t have worn my loafers then. Dressed down a little bit.

Dan: My sister was right. You’re nice.
Serena: You asked me out on a date and you didn’t think I was nice?
Dan: No. Ah… just thought you were hot. And technically you asked me out.
Serena: Oh. Okay, okay. I see. So, um, sensitive tortured soul boy is actually kind of superficial, huh.
Dan: Yeah, just a little bit.
Serena: Good to know.

Dan: You son of a—
Chuck: What the hell is your problem? It’s a party! Things happen. Who are you anyway?
Dan: How many times do I have to tell you? I’m in your class. My name is Dan Humphrey. And that is my little sister! {he punches him}

Dan: So, think I’ve got a shot at a second date?
Serena: Well I don’t think you could top this one.
Dan: I did punch someone.
Serena: True. We’ll talk about it in the cab.

Blair: She better not show her face again.
Chuck: I’m actually hoping she will.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Serena making a heroic exit from B’s party. Too bad for her there’s school on Monday. So until next time, you know you love me. Gossip Girl.