The Kids Stay in the Picture

Reporter: The van der Woodsen family is no stranger to the tabloids, but this time it appears the mother of all scandals surrounds the mother. Sources say that Lily Humphrey could be facing up to ten years in prison for forgery and obstruction of justice. That means her big lavish lifestyle—
Blair: Turn that off! And leave me alone, Dorota. I’ve taken to my bed.
Dorota: I thought hearing someone has life worse than yours would help.
Blair: Well your job isn’t to think, it’s to serve. So if I need your help I’ll ring the bell.

Nate: You okay?
Reina (Tika Sumpter): It’s surreal. Everything happening to Lily is because of my dad, and I kind of feel like it’s all my fault.
Nate: Look. It probably woulda happened sooner or later anyway.

Serena: Aren’t you coming over for brunch?
Chuck: Lily thought it would be complicated enough without me.
Serena: What, my grandmother, my step-father, my father—who was last seen fleeing from the police. Complicated is an understatement.
Chuck: How are things with William?
Serena: Well if I cut everyone out of my life who made a mistake I wouldn’t have anyone left.
Chuck: On the topic of mistakes, do you know what one I might have made to cause Blair to cut me off?
Serena: You didn’t talk to her after your party?
Chuck: She wouldn’t let me in her room. When she said she didn’t want to talk to me, I didn’t think she meant “ever again.” She’s not seeing someone, is she?
Serena: No, not unless you count Dorota. She hasn’t left her bed in a week.
Chuck: She’s [pulling a Camille]. But why?
Serena: I think her “powerful woman” path hit a roadblock, and you know how important that is to her.

CeCe (Caroline Lagerfelt): Oh darling! Oh you look lovely in your mug shot. It was smart of you to turn yourself in so you could make sure your hair was done.
Lily: Yes mother. That’s why I did it.

Eric: Thank you for letting me hide out here. I just needed a time out from my mom and my grandma and my dad and… your dad.
Dan: Oh yeah. I mean, of course. My house is your safe house.
Eric: I’m surprised Serena didn’t call you and ask you to be her back-up.
Dan: She did. But I figured I’d dodge that war. Hey, does William Carlos Williams go under W or C?
Eric: Hm. This is the first time I’ve ever seen you pass up a chance to save Serena. And you’re alphabetizing. What’s up?
Dan: You swear not to tell anyone? Or laugh?
Eric: Ah, I’ll take your secret to my grave, but laughter is an uncontrollable bodily response.
Dan: I kissed Blair Waldorf. {Eric laughs}.
Eric: Wow I didn’t see that coming.
Dan: Yeah, neither did I. I mean, it was just once. And it was weird.
Eric: Oh I would expect so. Yes.
Dan: But weird, good? Like “Wow, that’s weird this is such a god kiss.” Or weird bad, like, you know, just “Wow. Weird.”
Eric: I would… She didn’t give you any indication at the time?
Dan: No. No. She just walked away—stunned, left me standing there in the foyer.
Eric: Mysterious.
Dan: I know, right? I mean, I did what I thought was the polite thing. Called her the next day, It’s been almost a week and I haven’t heard back.
Eric: Wait. Wait, why do you care so much? Do you…do you like her?
Dan: What? No no no. I don’t like her. No, of course not. Not at all. I’m just curious. And you, I mean, she does… she does smell nice.
Eric: Oh, you are ass backwards crushing on Blair Waldorf!

Blair: Take that away, Dorota! I can’t eat! I only rang to tell you to call the doctor. I think I have consumption.
Dorota: Consumption not since nineteenth century. They have vaccine.
Blair: Well then I’m dying of malaise!

Blair: This isn’t about work or time, Dorota. It’s about the truth. Something happened recently that revealed my future and I’ve been hiding ever since ’cause I don’t want to deal with it.

Lily: I can’t believe you asked Carol here without clearing it with me first.
CeCe: What’s to ask? You’re her sister! And besides, I knew you’d say no.

Gossip Girl: Uh oh, Lily. It looks like instead of being on the pages, you’re about to have the book thrown at you.

Serena: Charlie, oh my god! Well, Charlotte! {they hug} Oh my gosh! Your mom didn’t tell me you were here.
Charlotte (Kaylee DeFer): That’s because she doesn’t know.

Cece: Boys, William may have a solution.
Rufus: Imagine that.

Serena: Okay, well I’m not letting you go home until you spend a day with me. Let me show you this world and you can decide for yourself what you think of it. We’ll start with Barney’s and then work our way back to InterMix.

Blair: Those Setters are better-looking than the Suttons.
Epperley (Caitlin FitzGerald): Oh… but they love each other anyway. Just proving that everyone has their soul mate.
Blair: Yeah. Did you join a cult in Bali?

Blair: Well. I just did recently have a moment of perspective myself. But thankfully I didn’t have to go to an ashram to have it.
Epperley: What happened?
Blair: I kissed someone. And it was truly a life-changing experience.
Epperley: Do tell.
Blair: I just did. That was it. But the point is, that one kiss changed me.

Carol (Sheila Kelley): You might be Upper East Side blue blood and I might be Florida bohemian, but at bottom the Rhodes sisters are still badasses from the Valley.

Lily: Rufus! We found leg warmers! […] No, I’m not drunk.

Dan: Hey Chuck. Uh, what are you doing here?
Chuck: May I come in?
Dan: Yeah.
Chuck: I’ve learned some information about my past that’s making me reconsider my future. My future with Blair. However my intel indicates that she’s seeing someone else.
Dan: What’s that got to do with me?
Chuck: I think it could be someone at W. Didn’t you work there.
Dan: Uh… yeah. For one day.
Chuck: Did you notice her talking to anyone? Whoever she kissed seems to have had an effect. “Life-changing” were the words she used.
Dan: Well a life-changing kiss might not be something you want to mess with.
Chuck: What are you trying to say, Humphrey?
Dan: With you, she was always caught up in schemes and takedowns. But that’s not really her. She’s intelligent, she’s intuitive. You know? She weeps when she watches Nights of Cabiria.
Chuck: How do you know that?
Dan: Uh… Serena told me. But listen, if Blair’s happy, I mean maybe you should let her be.
Chuck: You care more about Blair’s happiness than I knew.
Dan: Eh.
Chuck: Thank you for your time.

Lily: For gods sake, Carol. It’s a necklace, not a heroin needle.

Cece: Funny, wanting nothing to do with the superficial world hasn’t deterred you from taking my money
Carol: Oh, you got what you paid for, Mother. I showed up, I was as supportive and I could possibly be, and now I’m leaving.
Cece: I send you a check every month. You will stay for this photo.
Carol: That wasn’t part of the deal.

Dan: So get this, I got a call that I’m being included in the modern royalty book.
Eric: Hm. No offense, but why?
Dan: Oh, none taken. ‘Cause that was my first thought also. I guess there’s some coup d’etat section for up-and-comers.
Eric: Oh yeah, that sounds totally made up.

Blair: You’re late.
Dorota: And you’re glowing. Why make me bring overnight bag including La Perlas?
Blair: Because. I’m going to tell that certain someone my true feelings tonight. And if everything goes as I hope, I don’t want to be caught in last year’s Chantelle.
Dorota: I don’t think Dan Humphrey will know difference.
Blair: Dan Humphrey? What are you talking about?
Dorota: The reason you take to bed. Shame from emotional affair with Lowly Boy.
Blair: It’s “Lonely Boy.” And it wasn’t an affair, just a kiss. Which made me see how much I wished it was with Chuck.

Gossip Girl: They say that fortune favors the bold.
Charlotte: Serena. Look I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye, but as much fun as I had my mom is right. She sacrificed a lot to raise me the way she thought was best. I have to respect that.
Serena: Well she may not have sacrificed as much as you think.
Gossip Girl: But watch out for the bold-faced lies that come with fortune’s favors.

Coordinator: The revised portrait concept is William van der Woodsen and his two children.
Eric: Wait, no. The point was to do this for my mom.
Rufus: I think the point for Will is to always do something for himself.

Reina: Having to say it out loud this morning made me realize, if I’m estranged from my dad… I really have no one.

Blair: Oh god. It’s Chuck. He knows.

Lily: Of course Mother paid you to be here. I am so foolish to think that you would have come because you cared.
Cece: Lily—

Blair: Are you trying to humiliate him? Is that it?
Chuck: I don’t care about him one way or the other. I just wanted you to see he’s not a part of this world. I know you kissed him.
Blair: So? You and I are not dating. And you kiss a lot of people.
Chuck: You’re not supposed to kiss him. He’s hum-drum Humphrey. Epperley told me it was life-changing.
Blair: Because it made me realize I wanted to be with you. Dan and I both know it meant nothing—less than nothing. Right?
Dan: Yeah, that’s right.
Blair: I was going to tell you all about it tonight. But that would have been a huge mistake. Dan Humphrey may not be royalty but at least he’s not a child.

Lily: Finds out about what?
Cece: That I’m not happy with my hair. It’s too flat.
Lily: Mother, your hair is enormous.

Gossip Girl: Cinderella finally showed up at the ball. Too bad it was cancelled.

Chuck: You don’t have to be powerful on your own first. We can build our futures together.
Blair: The saddest part is that I’d come to the same conclusion. But now that I know I’m ready I realize you’re not. I mean, after everything you went through—Prague, Eva, Russell—that maybe you’d changed. Who was kidding.
Chuck: Don’t say that.
Blair: You have years before you’re capable of a real relationship. If you ever will be. I’m sorry Chuck.

Will (William Baldwin): Lily, I did not sabotage the photo shoot. I hope that you realize that.
Lily: Oh, I’m not even sure I care if you did. I mean let’s face it, me, Cece and Carol all in the same room. The night was doomed to be apocalyptic.

Blair: I had no idea.
Dan: No, I know.
Blair: Nice suit though.

Dan: I just wanted to make sure you knew that kiss meant nothing to me.
Blair: Oh. Right.
Dan: Social experiment gone wrong.
Blair: A princess kissing a labrador.
Dan: I appreciate you not calling me a toad.

Dan: Blair, your prince is out there waiting for you. Might not be me or Chuck, but he’s out there.
Blair: Your princess is too. If you’re ready for her.

Gossip Girl: Poor lost prince. What’s the point of having a kingdom if you have to reign alone?

Carol: I hope that Charlie speaks to me on the plane.
Lily: Serena says they had a great girls’ night. Probably just what she needed. In light of, you know, your decades of massive hypocrisy.

Lily: I did not reject you. All I ever wanted was your approval.
Carol: Well you got it now. Turning yourself in. Not giving a damn what people think. That’s my Lily.
Lily: Will you come visit me in prison?
Carol: I will smuggle you pot brownies.

Nate: You still thinking about your mom?
Reina: Yes. But not for the reason you think. My dad always said she never tried to contact us. But I can’t help but wonder, since he lied about so much stuff…
Nate: Maybe he lied about her too. You could find out for sure, you know. You can look for her.
Gossip Girl: Walking down the primrose path, you risk finding hell instead of happily ever after.

Gossip Girl: As with any journey, who you travel with can be more important than your destination.

Blair: Why does love have to be so hard, Dorota? All I ever wanted was a simple fairy tale. Kate Middleton has it. And I have much shinier hair. Although she does have a better assortment of hats.
Dorota: Don’t despair, Miss Blair. Destiny full of surprises.
Gossip Girl: You never know who you’ll encounter along the way. Who knows, maybe fairy tales come true after all. XOXO. —Gossip Girl.