Gossip Girl Season 5

Memoirs of an Invisible Dan

2011.10.17    

Hugo Becker  Jason Ralph  Kaylee DeFer  Liz Hurley  Marina Squerciati  Michael Michele

Dan: Quick question: how big can my head get before it explodes?
Alessandra (Marina Squerciati): Half the buys are probably Upper East Siders dying to see if they’re in it.
Dan: Yeah. Some of my friends might feel they are.
Alessandra: They’re coming tonight, right?
Dan: To the book party? No. I haven’t exactly mentioned it to them yet. But I’d have to tell them the book exists first.
Alessandra: They don’t know? Not any of them?
Dan: No. I’m not sure they’re going to like it when they find out.
Alessandra: If they’re really your friends they’ll be happy to see your star rise. And they should be at the soirée tonight. When everybody learns that Anonymous is actually Daniel Humphrey.

Dan: I’m going to need six copies of this book. They should probably be hand-delivered.

Alessandra: See you later. Giorgio Armani for your suit fitting. And don’t shave. It makes you look like a real writer.

Blair: I now understand why women used to go into confinement. It wasn’t because of modesty, but vanity. My boobs. Oh, I’m huge!
Louis (Hugo Becker): Sorry, darling. I was just reading about how some pregnant women have mood swings. Apparently they didn’t know you before pregnancy.

Louis: You look gorgeous. I can’t wait to tell the whole world the good news.
Blair: Me too.

Blair: You don’t think your family’s going to be upset, do you? I don’t want them to think of me as the star of some trashy MTV show like, “Unmarried and Pregnant Princesses” or, I don’t know, “Royally Screwed.”
Louis: My mother will be over-the-moon. The job of any princess is to provide an heir to the kingdom. And that is exactly what you are doing.
Blair: An heir to a kingdom lives within me. How very Shakespeare.
Louis: Comedy not a tragedy, I hope.

Jane (Michael Michele): Morning, everyone. I juice fast this week. Not going to be pretty.

Jane: Daniel never agrees to do anything. The man took three years to make a pair of shoes.

Jane: You can look at your phone. I don’t run a gulag.

Diana: If only we had Blair Waldorf’s phone.
Nate: I told you, she’s my friend and my friends are off-limits.
Diana: Morals. How quaint.

Nate: Why do you even hold on to that phone if you’re not going to answer it?
Diana: Because I don’t want to have to explain how I got it. I am too intrigued by our mysterious Ivy to just toss it away.

Blair: Do you know what this summoning is about?
Chuck: I do, but I can’t say. I’m sworn to secrecy.
Blair: Since when do you bite your tongue?
Chuck: I’m learning.
Blair: Well isn’t Humphrey becoming quite the drama queen.
Chuck: Isn’t that usually your role?
Blair: I prefer drama princess now.
Chuck: How are you, by the way?
Blair: I’m okay. Thanks for asking.

Nate: What are you guys doing here?
Blair: We must have all gotten the same text from Dan.
Rufus: The last time he was this secretive he showed up with a baby.
Chuck: Don’t worry, you’re not about to become a grandfather. Though Dan is about to give birth in another way.
Serena walking in: Okay, I’m pretty sure this is how every murder mystery begins.

Dan: Hey, everyone. Thank you so much for coming.
Serena: I only have five minutes.
Blair: This better be really important.
Nate: What is this all about?
Lily: Is everything all right?
Charlie (Kaylee DeFer): This isn’t about me, right?
Rufus: Yeah. What’s going on, Dan?
Chuck: This is going to be fun.

Dan: I’m sorry to call everyone here on such short notice, but… Alright, you know how there’s been all this speculation about the book that’s being published by an anonymous author.
Nate: Yeah. Gossip Girl said it was about us.
Blair: Yeah, it was probably written by some loser who doesn’t even know us.
Dan: Well not exactly. I am that loser. I wrote it. And it is based on you. All of you. Sort of.

Gossip Girl: Looks like it’s going to be a hot time in this old town tonight. Let’s just hope Lonely Boy and his book don’t go up in flames.

Nate: What’s so funny?
Lily: I think you should ask Dan.
Dan: Well I might have made your character a little…
Chuck: Gay.
Dan: I hope that’s okay. {to Chuck}. Stop enjoying this so much.
Chuck: You wanted me to feel something. That’s a feeling.
Nate: Do I have game?
Chuck: Oh definitely.
Nate: Huh. I’m cool with that.

Dan: I want to make it clear: this book is a work of fiction. And after you read it I hope you’ll feel good enough about it—and me—that, uh, you’ll come to this book party tonight. The publisher is announcing that I’m the author, so…
Nate: Yeah. Of course we’ll be there.
Dan: Well read it first. And then decide, because, you know, I didn’t have the chance to make changes and there were some instances where it’s not exactly how I would have wanted it.
Rufus: Well an artist never feels his work is perfect. It’s good to always strive for more. I am so proud of you, son.

Blair: So. now that this unnecessary meeting about America’s future doorstop is adjourned, do you want to go grab a cup of decaf?
Serena: I would love to, B, but I’m already late for work. I’ve gotta get back.
Blair: Well maybe after work then.
Serena: If this is about the book, don’t worry. Everyone loves a villain.
Dan: I wouldn’t say there’s a villain, per se.
Blair: Well I can tell you who isn’t.
Serena: Come on, every girl needs to be knocked off her pedestal a little. Can’t handle that kind of pressure. I’ll see you later.

Dan: Um, you know that story I wrote that Louis killed.
Blair: It’s in the book. Yeah, I figured. But if it’s all the same to you, I think I’d like to stay in the dark about just how nastily you’ve portrayed me.
Dan: Yeah, that’s a good idea. You know, we’re just recently friends again. Why ruin a good thing.
Blair: Yep. And, ah, I’m sorry in advance, but I have a better offer than your party tonight. Louis and I are telling our families the news.
Dan: Good luck.
Blair: You too. Your novel seems to be very well-punctuated and I… like the font.

Sam (Jason Ralph): We got an advance copy of this new book by some anonymous New York insider and everyone in town is trying to figure out who.
Serena: Well I know who. I used to date him.
Sam: Shut up. No way! You’re Sabrina? The dreamy blonde with the legs.
Serena: I guess I am.

Sam: Did you actually have cases of champagne delivered to your school?
Serena: Is that what he wrote? A friend was pulling a prank on me.
Sam: But it actually happened?
Serena: That was in high school. Keep reading. You’ll see I mature as he gets to know me better.

Louis: But the way you said he made you in that story. If there’s an entire book it could be terrible.
Blair: Look, I would expect nothing less. I was mean to him on the steps of the Met. I bad-mouthed him repeatedly to his dream girl. I tried to undermine him at W. I’m sure he’s brutal. He may be calling this a novel, but I know just how little imagination he really has. It’s a memoir masquerading as fiction. A reverse James Frey.
Louis: So you’re going to read it?
Blair: No no. And you shouldn’t either. Look, that book has nothing to do with us and the family we’re building. Whatever is in there, even if it is the truth, it’s in the past.

Dan: Thanks for letting me hang here, man.
Chuck: I enjoy watching you squirm. Scotch?
Dan: It’s like two p.m.
Chuck: Valium then?

Dan: Why aren’t you mad at me? Your character dies. Accidentally, but it’s not a happy ending.
Chuck: On the contrary. Although clearly fiction. I’d never use a belt. I’d use a chartreuse scarf. Much softer.

Chuck: Success comes at a price. The artist must stand alone to observe the crowd, right?
Dan: That’s funny. Vanessa said the same thing.

Gossip Girl: Seems like things are looking up for Lonely Boy. Let’s hope they’ve actually read the book and not judged it by its cover.

Blair: Louis just lied to me about his family.
Dorota: How you know?
Blair: My outfit for tonight’s announcement included a pair of crocodile Alaias. You can’t wear such a beautiful shoe if there’s even a hint of a sprinkle outside. So of course I checked the weather. Clear from Monaco to Manhattan.
Dorota: Maybe have something to do with Lonely Boy book. Louis was reading while you sleep. He did not look happy.
Blair: I told him not to read it. It’s not like there’s anything in it that he doesn’t know about me. {she starts reading}. Oh my god. I’m going to kill Dan Humphrey.

Sam: I told him that you’re Sabrina. I hope that’s not a problem.
Serena: No, not at all. It’s nice to play such a big part in Dan’s book. We’ve always been close.
Sam: Ugh. He must have been a saint to put up with you that long.

Sam: There’s this novel going around town with this character based on Serena. Sabrina is a totally shallow self-obsessed party girl. Yes, I finished it.
Serena: Aren’t you being a little reductive?
Jane: And ridiculous. Daniel lives on a farm in Ireland, his cow’s probably giving birth right now. And everything isn’t about Serena.

Chuck: You spend extra time doing your hair tonight, Nathaniel?
Nate: Ha ha. I don’t mind that Dan made me gay.
Chuck: No, I was actually a little offended he didn’t make me gay. Personally I thought you’d be more annoyed being conflated with Eric.

Gossip Girl: Can we dare believe? Queen B and Lonely Boy doing the deed? Even I have to admit, it’s a novel idea.

Serena: “Flighty”? “Irresponsible?” I’m gonna kill him.

Diana (Liz Hurley): Don’t bother lying. Or hanging up. We met this morning when you were Charlie Rhodes.

Serena: Hey, do you know where Dan is? Can you believe what he wrote about me?
Chuck: Which part? Sabrina is glamorous, sexy, beautiful.
Serena: Selfish, insensitive, shallow.
Chuck: I can tell you from experience, everyone loves a villain.
Serena: Yeah, I told Blair the same thing. But then I realized if that’s true, why are you always alone?
Blair: Not one word! Have you seen Dan?
Serena: No, have you?
Both: Did you see what he wrote me?!
Serena: No, I didn’t have time to read all of it. Just the parts about me.
Blair: Me too.
Chuck: Check the study.

Serena: I could lose my job over this.
Blair: I could lose my fiancée.
Serena: What?

Gossip Girl: Looks like the best piece of fiction is that people are actually happy for Dan Humphrey.

Serena: Is this what you’ve been trying to tell me all day?
Blair: No, because it never happened. {to Louis} It never happened!
Louis: I don’t believe a word you say! You said yourself that Dan has no imagination.
Dan: Okay, thanks. But Louis, it didn’t happen.

Blair: You’d better hope I can stop your fantasy life from destroying my real one.
Dan: Blair, I never wanted us to come between you too.
Blair: When are you going to get it through your head? There’s no us! There never was. There’s nothing here but friendship, and even that’s gone now.

Chuck: You’re making a big mistake.
Louis: In thinking that Blair could be trusted? Yes. She will always have her secrets. She can’t exist without them. You were right after all.
Chuck: You shouldn’t listen to me. If you read Dan’s book you know how I turn out. You have a chance at having love in your life. Not ending up alone, hanging in a closet. Don’t give up. Or your own fact will be someone else’s fiction.

Dan: I’m sorry you’re hurt.
Serena: No, not hurt. Mystified. In high school, you were the only one who saw me for who I really was. Or who I wanted to be. You helped me be somebody that I was more proud of.
Dan: I didn’t know.

Dan: If you can’t tell the difference between what I did to Blair and what I did to you, then maybe your portrayal in the book is more accurate than you thought.
Serena: That sounds exactly like something Dylan Hunter would say.

Gossip Girl: Seems Dan Humphrey is on the fast track from Lonely Boy to Only Boy.

Blair: I wish I was telling you this at a better time, but… I’m pregnant.
Serena: What? Oh my gosh, Blair! That’s amazing. Wait, that’s good news, right?
Blair: Well I was happy. So happy. But now, what if I’m in this alone.
Serena: No. You’re not alone. Ever.

Blair: Louis—
Louis: Don’t. I’m ashamed enough of my behavior. I know you have a complicated past, but you’ve been honest about it. It’s hard for me. I want to believe, but every time I turn it seems there’s another secret.
Blair: That night at Constance, you gave me a choice. And now I’m giving you one. Either you find a way to trust me, or you let me go.
Louis: I could never let you go.

Chuck: Seems like I’m always off on my own.
Lily: I thought you liked it that way.
Chuck: I don’t want to be the unrepentant bad boy, who no one cares lives or dies.
Lily: It’s just a book, Charles.
Chuck: What if it isn’t?
Lily: There are people who care so deeply about you, if you would just let them.
Chuck: Blair is lost to me.
Lily: I know. I’m sorry.

Dan: Hey Dad.
Rufus: Your reviews. I guess you have a lot of reading to do today.

Dan: Is everything okay?
Rufus: Well last night was your big night. I didn’t want to ruin it for you.
Dan: Well it kind of went down on its own. What’s going on? Did you not like the book?
Rufus: Of course I did, you’re a beautiful writer. It just… broke my heart.
Dan: Dad.
Rufus: I gave up my career to raise you and I never regretted it, not once. Until yesterday when I read what you really think about it. A has-been turned trophy husband who married for money.
Dan: No, that is not what I think of you. You more than anybody should understand artistic license.
Rufus: I never expected to be your hero. I just didn’t think I’d end up the fool.

Gossip Girl: In literature, there are thousands of endings. Some happy, some sad. Some end with a twist.

Jane: I want this book.
Serena: Well here it is.
Jane: I want the movie rights to this book.

Jane: Look, your reputation reflects directly on me. And frankly this book leaves yours in tatters. So prove to me I made the right choice hiring you. I want this book and you’re going to get it for me. So whatever you did to Dan Humphrey, undo it, okay? You have a week.

Gossip Girl: Some stories open the door for something more. And then there are fairytale endings where the girl gets her prince. And endings that turn you introspective about your own life and your place in the world. And then there’s the ending that you saw coming a mile away, and yet somehow still takes you by surprise. But don’t worry, my Upper East Side friends. This story isn’t ening. We’re just at the start of a brand new chapter. XOXO —Gossip Girl.