Chuck: I’m Chuck. Bass.
Ashley: I know.
Chuck: I wasn’t expecting to see someone like you somewhere like this so early in the day.
Ashley: I needed a refuge. It’s too hot.
Chuck: It’s never too hot.
Ashley: Care to test that theory?
Chuck: What if I have a girlfriend?
Ashley: Chuck Bass doesn’t do girlfriends. Where’s your limo?
Chuck: I gave my driver the day off.
Ashley: Then I guess we’ll have to find somewhere else.
Nate: Well it’s a good thing the flight attendants dimmed the cabin lights over the Atlantic.
Bree: Well it’s an even better thing that my car got a flat on the way to Heathrow and I missed the plane that I was supposed to be on. Otherwise I would have been sitting in seat 3B of an entirely different plane. Waking up with an entirely different passenger in seat 3A.
Nate: Alright so now that we’re back on our own turf do I at least get your number? Maybe your last name.
Bree: A little mystery never hurt anyone.
Nate: Oh really? C’mon, please. You gotta give me something to go on here.
Bree: Okay. Ah, well we are going to the same school.
Nate: Yeah, and Columbia’s kind of a big one. Especially when you factor in graduate school.
Bree: You caught that. See you’re a better detective than you think. Well, my car is waiting.
Nate: Oh, are you done with that. I’ ll take it. sees the Buckley headline. On second thought—
Bree: You have a problem with the Buckley’s?
Nate: Yeah, well that right-wing nut job called William van der Bilt a deviant for lobbying against DOMA.
Bree: Maybe that’s because William van der Bilt called Jeb Buckley a cokehead and a cheater.
Nate: What, are you saying it isn’t cheating if you get your congressional aide pregnant?
Bree: You’re Nate Archibald.
Nate: And you’re Bree Buckley.
Bree: You pulled my hair during the Clinton’s inaugural ball.
Nate: Your redneck cousins tried to waterboard me at the Easter Egg hunt on the White House lawn.
Bree: It’s good to see you again.
Nate: Yeah, take care of yourself.
Chuck: Uh uh.
Ashley: Why not?
Chuck: It’s better to wait.
Ashley: How long?
Chuck: Let’s see… now.
Blair: What the hell is going on?
Chuck: Blair, I can explain.
Ashley: I’m sorry, um, I didn’t know he had a girlfriend.
Chuck: Yes, you did. She did.
Blair: Shame on you, Ashley Henshaw. How could you do that? Pick up someone in a relationship? Have you no pride, no self respect?
Ashley: Okay, but I didn’t know—
Blair: You may have an Abercrombie campaign and the security code to Clooney’s castle in Lake Como but that doesn’t give you the right to try and steal someone else’s man! Now take your American Girl hair and your poreless skin and get out!
Ashley: Okay, you’re crazy.
Vanessa: Okay, wait. Why do you have a knock off designer wallet? I thought you hated intellectual property theft. Oh, it’s to hold all your hundred dollar bills.
Dan: Do you know how hard it is to break one of those things? I don’t even know why they make them. I’m kidding. Sort of. It’s not a knock off. It’s a graduation present from Lily. As is what’s in it. And you know what, I thought I’d never use it but… have you seen the stitching?
Carter: Where you headed beautiful?
Carter: I was in the neighborhood.
Serena: No you weren’t.
Carter: Gossip Girl said you’d returned. I wanted to see you.
Serena: Well you’ve seen me. Now you can go.
Carter: We need to talk.
Serena: No. We don’t.
Carter: I know you can’t avoid what happened forever.
Serena: Watch me.
Vanessa: I’m his best friend and I support him no matter what. Even if he were rich and dressed like Truman Capote.
You should probably tell him that.
Vanessa: I should. Too bad he has that polo match with his family.
His whole family?
Vanessa: Yeah. Nate’s family. And I’m sure Blair and Chuck will be there if that murder-suicide I predicted hasn’t happened yet.
Carter: What the hell is this?
Blair: It’s a restraining order.
Carter: This says I have to stay away from Blair Waldorf.
Blair: Yeah. And until further notice you’ll find me by Serena’s side. Step with 100 feet of me and you’ll be arrested. And about how far do you think he is from me?
Dan: Oh he’s far enough.
Blair: I agree. Security!
Serena: Hey, what’s— what’s going on here?
Carter: Ah, your friend’s trying to have me removed.
Serena: Right. Because you’re stalking me.
Dan: You don’t have to talk to him.
Carter: You told him I was stalking you? You want to tell him the truth or should I?
Dan: What’s the truth?
Serena: Yeah Carter, what’s the truth?
Carter: Sooner or later you’re going to be alone with no one taking your picture. What are you going to do then?
Blair: Serena, what’s he talking about?
Serena: Why won’t you leave me alone Carter? You’re not my boyfriend.
Carter: No, but I seem to be the only one you tell your secrets to.
Serena: Well I guess that was a mistake.
Carter: Dropping your dress, stealing a horse—all that is is a cry for attention.
Serena: I don’t need to cry for attention. I’m getting plenty on my own in case you haven’t noticed.
Carter: Yeah, plenty from everyone except the one you want it from.
Serena: That’s not true.
Carter: He didn’t want to see you Serena.
Serena: That’s not what happened.
Carter: We spent a month chasing him down and then we found him he couldn’t even meet you face to face.
Serena: Well maybe he didn’t get my message or he didn’t realize who I was—
Carter: He didn’t realize who his daughter was? Serena, what if your dad didn’t want to see you? Who cares? Who the hell is he not to want you? I would have stayed all summer with you. But after that you ditched me and ran again.
Nate: I’m not going to be taking the internship, Grandfather. I hope you can understand that.
Mr. van der Bilt: Of course I can. How many times must I tell you, Nathaniel, I want to be your family. Work wherever. Date whomever. I won’t stand in your way. I just want you to be happy.
Nate: I almost believe you.
Mr. van der Bilt: That’s enough for me.
Vanessa: I know stuff’s going on with your family so I’m just going to go.
Dan: Okay. Why’d you come here?
Vanessa: Honestly, right now I just don’t know. Maybe people just change. Maybe it’s okay if we grow apart.
Dan: Vanessa, I’m not changing.
Vanessa: You’re at a polo match in a three thousand dollar suit and your name’s in the program. And after I take a bus across the state line to apologize you ditch me for Blair Waldorf and totally disappear.
Dan: Cece set me up with this suit. Alright? And Jenny got a dress too if you’d also like to make her feel bad about it. As for Blair it’s not like we’re shoe shopping or sipping martinis. There’s something going on with Serena.
Vanessa: And what is that?
Dan: I wish I knew. All I do know is that Lily’s mother is very sick and my dad is struggling just to keep it together. Not to mention my family is generally in the middle of a transition. So please—please!—give me a break with the “rich people suck” thing.
Vanessa: I don’t care if you’re rich. Which, you aren’t by the way. Ride in a limo, break a hundred, that’s fine. But if you’re going to be in this world, be yourself in this world. Because I actually like that guy. And I hope he’s the one that turns up at NYU.
Carter: Anybody seen a girl in an orange dress?
Vanessa: Well that wasn’t so much fun, was it?
Depends on your definition of fun.
Vanessa: I don’t know why I even brought you. The Humphreys are going through a lot and I don’t even know if Dan and I are still friends.
I know they’re dealing with stuff, but they seem like good people to me.
Blair: So you’re not in love with Jesus anymore?
Georgina: Oh, I still hold him in my heart. But Jesus and I have redefined our relationship.
Blair: You mean He dumped you because he found out you were Satan.
Bree to Nate: What do you say? You, me, this apartment. Let’s get sick of each other.
Georgina: This paranoia has got to stop, Blair.
Blair: I am not paranoid. I’m right. Why else would you have formed an alliance with Vanessa. The one person I may hate more than you.
Georgina: It’s not an alliance, it’s a friendship. Unlike you, Vanessa’s cool and people like her. More than the girl that threw the fish party.
Blair: Sushi! There was toro!
Georgina: Face it Blair, once upon a time in a far off land you were a queen. Here you’re just a loser who will never fit in.
Carter: Serena, listen to you. What’s your deal? You acting out because Daddy doesn’t love you? Is that why you skipped out of Brown too?
Carter: You know, I told you how I felt and you blew me off until you needed someone to do your dirty work. It’s time to find a new
bad habit. ‘Cause it’s not going to be me anymore.
Dan: I didn’t know there’s was a cool crowd at college.
Vanessa: Yeah, I think you and I were the only ones dumb enough to believe that.
Katie: Hey, so some of us are wondering if you’re going to Monkey Bar.
Vanessa: You know, just because someone has to be on top doesn’t mean it has to be Blair.
Georgina: Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.
Dan: Yeah I did. Let’s go get a beer.
Carter: What do you want?
Serena: There’s a reason I always come back to you Carter. And it’s not because you’re my bad habit.
Carter: What then?
Serena: You’re the only one who understood why I needed to find my father. You were there for me during all of that and I trust you.
Carter: Anyone would have done the same thing.
Serena: No, they wouldn’t have. And I don’t want anyone else. I want you.
Blair: I know what this is. And don’t think you can run me out of my own room with a half-naked Dan Humphrey.
Georgina: Fine. Stay. Maybe you’ll learn something.
Dan: I just mean that when you do something no one else knows about it’s kind of like you’re not even doing it. But when someone find out about it—
Serena: S: It becomes real.
Vanessa: Well college is a time for experimentation. Psychedelic drugs. Ethnic food.
Serena: Girls who once pretended to be Sarah from Portland.
Dan: So you guys are what?
Vanessa: We are just going to tease you mercilessly.
Vanessa: I like you.
Scott: I like you too.
Vanessa: That’s why I’m going to give you 30 seconds to explain why there’s no Scott Adler enrolled at NYU.
Scott: Look, Vanessa, it’s complicated.
Vanessa: Let me make it easy for you. You either tell
me the truth or we’re over.
Scott: I lied to you because I had to.
Vanessa: That’s not good enough.
Scott: My name isn’t Adler. It’s Rosin. I’m Rufus and Lily’s son.
Serena: If you don’t trust me then what are we doing?
Carter: I’m not sure.
Serena: Does Le Table Elitaire even exist, Georgina?
Georgina: I’m sorry, but my French is a little rusty. Maybe you should start with “excusez-moi”.
Georgina: It’s Blair and Chuck. Talk about a victimless crime.
Jenny: Hi. Who are you?
Carmen: I’m Carmen. This is Celeste. That’s Jane. We’re here to make sure you get exactly what you want this year.
You’re going to rule the school with an iron fist.
Jenny: Okay enough. First go wash your eyes. And second, tell everyone I need to talk to them now. Now.
Eric: So. A new era of sunlight and fairness.
Jenny: What is this? Did you not hear me this morning?
Carmen: Oh, you mean your cute little attempt at Perestroika?
Jane: We’re going back to the old way. Queens, hierarchy and no Brooklyn wannabe’s.
Dan: I think I just got dumped. Want to go to a movie or something?
Vanessa: Yeah. A movie sounds great. But you’re going to have to wear a suit.
Blair: Dorota, these martinis taste like tap water. Don’t be a Scrooge with the gin.
Dorota: Ms. Blair. This not right. Mr. Chuck and I both of the opinion—
Blair: And who cares what you and Mr. Chuck think?
Nate: So how’s Serena doing? She still dating Baizen or did she come to her sense yet?
Bree: Carter Baizen? Is he in town? I heard he was away on business.
Blair: He is. Traveling is so important. Bree, have you ever thought of traveling? Somewhere very far away.
Chuck: I wasn’t aware you knew Carter.
Bree: Yeah. Our families used to vacation together on Sea Island. I’ve been trying to track him down.
Georgina: Why won’t he respond to any of my calls or texts or animated e-cards?
Vanessa: Are you serious?
Georgina: The last one I sent him was this adorable singing dog.
Vanessa: Okay. Dan didn’t write you back because a) he broke up with you, b) he’s seeing someone else and c) even though I tried to defend you you’re a full-on crazy person.
Georgina: Wait, can we go back to B for a second. He can’t be seeing someone else because we just broke up and— Okay. Then you’re going to get Dan to dump her.
Vanessa: And why in the world would I do that?
Georgina: I didn’t visit my family last week. I was in Boston. You know, I met the sweetest guy. I think you know him. Scott Rosin.
Vanessa: Oh my god.
Georgina: He just had so much on his mind. And after several glasses of wine—slightly enhanced—you wouldn’t believe what he told me.
Vanessa: What are you saying Georgina?
Georgina: Get Dan to dump the whore or I’m gonna tell the whole world Scott’s secret. And that would be too bad because a) that’s the last thing he wants b) how do you think Dan’s gonna feel when he finds out you’ve known his brother’s been alive the whole time? And c) who are you going to hang out with when all the Humphreys hate you? Should we review b again?
Georgina: Well that was just pathetic! Haven’t you ever tried to get somebody to dump a celebrity before?
Georgina: That’s okay. Plan B. You’re familiar with Photoshop, I presume?
Vanessa: I’m not in love with you, you moron. Georgina’s been blackmailing me.
Dan: What? Why? Vanessa, look I’m your best friend. You can tell me. You have to tell me. What does she have on you?
Vanessa: Ugh. She knows that I know… Scott… is your brother.
Amalia: The Whitney is a no, Harvard Club a no. And Colicchio laughed in my face when I asked about Craft.
Blair: The only time I want to hear “no” is if Ruth Madoff wants an invite.
Serena: Constance Crew, what have you got?
New Mean Girl 1: My sister’s a florist. She can handle the flowers.
New Mean Girl 2: We’ve got cake. My aunt owns a bakery. She said she found a cancellation.
New Mean Girl 3 : I’m sorry. My family’s in investment banking. They’re all broke.
Jenny: Then you can go.
Dorota: I call the Sonic Youths. They in North Hampton. Will try to make it.
Serena: Acceptable. Hey Jenny, you okay? You’ve been working on that dress all night.
Jenny: Yeah. It’s like my own Project Runway challenge.
Dan: Wow. I wondered what happened to Poppy. I had no idea it was so easy to get someone deported. That’s so thoughtful. That’s so Georgina. You know, I really missed you while you were away.
Georgina: You did? I heard you were seeing someone.
Dan: I was. But it turned out she was dating Orlando Bloom behind my back. Can you believe that?
Georgina: No. It is amazing how down that guy’s Star-O-Meter has gone.
Rufus: That was—
Georgina: Your love child. Not dead. Congratulations. It’s a boy.
Carter: Are you okay?
Serena: Will you just leave? Please. I need some time.
Carter: Just so you know, I told you what I told you because it’s not the same with you. I really do care about you Serena. So much.
Kim Gordon: Well, by the power vested in me, by a sketchy service on the internet, I pronounce you husband and wife.
Scott: Sorry for not telling you who I was.
Dan: You know, I should have guessed. No one under 40 has ever shown that much interest in Lincoln Hawk.
Jenny: See, I told you. He has my nose.
Eric: Maybe. But those are my eyebrows.
Jenny: So Scott, what do you think about board games?
Scott: Love them.
Nate: I talked to Blair. So is it true? You used me to get to Carter?
Bree: Yeah. I guess I did. Come on Nate. You’re a Van der Bilt. I’m a Buckley. And as much as I like you, that’s always going to come first. It’s in my blood. It’s Texas. If it means anything, I’m sorry.
Nate: No. No. You know what, it doesn’t. So please leave.
Dan: We just started dating. Isn’t it a little soon for “Meet the Parents”?
Vanessa: Not for Olivia. She seems really easygoing and into you.
Jenny: Yeah. Seriously Dan. Play the parent card. People like you more when they meet your family.
Olivia: So what are you gonna do this weekend to thank me?
Dan: You know, actually, about that. I was thinking I would invite you to the Parent-Freshman Dinner with me and my parents. I know you’re probably exhausted—
Olivia: I would love to.
Dan: Really? Are you sure? ‘Cause you heard the part about my parents right?
Olivia: Dan. The last three guys I dated, I met their agent, their manager, their publicist, a personal trainer who also read tarot cards and I never met a single one of their parents. I would love to meet yours.
PJ: A picture really is worth a thousand words. Or in this case, an election.
Rufus: Hey. You made it!
Gabriela (Gina Torres): Rufus. Come here. would you let me look at you! Lay off the caffeine. It’s giving you wrinkles.
Rufus: Eh. I’m just sorry Arlo couldn’t make it.
Gabriela: He says hello. He had to finish installing solar panels on the chicken coop at the co-op.
Gabriela: To be completely honest my husband and I don’t believe in private universities. Knowledge should not be for sale.
Blair: Well you got your kiss.
Ellis: Number 27 on the Tribeca Scavenger Hunt: Kiss the Chuck Bass. Check.
Gabriela: Guess I should work on keeping my opinions to myself.
Vanessa: You think?
Gabriela: I just wanted to say, tonight I will promise to keep an open mind about your school. About everything.
Vanessa: When you hear my toast I think you’ll understand why this is the right place for me.
Vanessa: So tell me once and for all. What makes you better than me?
Blair: Do you really want to know?
Blair: Everything. Generations of breeding and wealth had to come together to produce me. I have more in common with Marie Antoinette than with you. And granted you may be popular at some stuffy Ivy safety school, but the fact is the rabblerers still rabble and they need a queen.
Vanessa: You stole the toast.
Blair: I was willing to do what was necessary. Including lying to Chuck. The one person who trusts me more than anyone. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to give my toast.
Vanessa: Actually Blair. Congratulations. You just did.
Blair: Why did we do all this?
Vanessa: You tell me.
Vanessa (about the croissant): You want it?
Serena, without Endless Nights, Patrick is on the road to Mark Hamill-hood.
Serena: Is that the guy from Star Wars that’s not Harrison Ford?
Jonathan: Hello Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Looks like Jenny, sounds like Jenny, is really a dark, power hungry monster.
Eric: Oh c’mon. She’s still the same Jenny underneath. She just has to wear the mask for school.
Jonathan: That mask is becoming her face.
Olivia: Wow. Looks like you’re feeling a lot better.
Dan: Yeah, it was just one of those 24 hour things. Just kind of weird.
Olivia: Dan, if this is about that cookie jar photo. If you’re not ready I totally understand.
Dan: Ready. No, I’m—I love that picture of you. It’s so flattering. And who can resist free gifts in shiny wrappers?
Casey: Your job now includes publicly dating Patrick.
Serena: I don’t know if I’d call that work.
Casey: Get back to me after date two.
Trip: Even if the night ends in defeat at least we’ll have a great party.
Maureen: Sweety, don’t talk like that.
Trip: This morning’s polling numbers aren’t great. We’re down where we should be up and where we’re up we’re barely hanging on.
Serena: Hey. I was running errands and Casey asked me to drop off your Jimmy Fallon interview.
Olivia: Great. I guess that means you’ve seen it.
Olivia: You know I didn’t mean what I said.
Serena: Oh, don’t worry about that. I’m sure Dan understands.
Olivia: He hasn’t seen it. I don’t know what to do. I have to fix this. And meanwhile keep him away from TV and internet and strangers with the urge to make fun of him.
Patrick: I just finished reading a fantastic script.
Serena: The political thriller?
Patrick: No, it’s a remake of Leaving Las Vegas. They want to redo it with a younger cast.
Serena: Where did you get those scripts?
Patrick: In the garbage.
Patrick: You think Blair had me thrown out because I was a bit tipsy? Or because I was talking to that high-priced call girl friend of hers.
Serena: What did you just say?
Vanessa: Why’d you do it?
Nate: Do what?
Vanessa: C’mon Nate. You were the only one who knew I had that meeting to sell that footage.
Nate: I had to protect Trip.
Vanessa: I came to you first as a friend.
Nate: Don’t be so self-righteous. You were only selling the footage to further your own career.
Maureen: I think Nathaniel was brilliant tonight, don’t you?
Granddad: Brilliant. Foolish is more like it.
Maureen: C’mon, William. Even you have to admit it. This couldn’t have worked any better if it was planned.
Maureen: All this time you thought the only thing I was capable of was holding his hand and smiling on the sidelines.
Granddad: To be honest my dear, I never really spent that much time thinking about you.
Maureen: Well, your loss is my gain. My husband is a congressman. And thanks to Vanessa’s camera you’re out of our lives for good. Finally Trip can be his own man. My man.
Granddad: You think I’m really just going to stand aside and let myself become collateral damage? I’ll tell him.
Maureen: You don’t exactly have a lot of credibility right now. Who’s he going to believe?
Trip: You want to tell me about it?
Serena: I don’t think you want to hear this one.
Trip: I do. I’ll let your problem be the first one I address as your elected representative.
Olivia: It’s for real this time. My parents, manager, three of my agents are all flying in from LA on Monday to convince me to do it. It’s like The Sopranos but with bagels.
Jonathan: I liked you because you were different from everyone else. You were smart and you knew who you were. You didn’t need to prove anything to anyone. And now— I’m sorry Eric, but it’s over.
Jenny: So Belgium, huh? I bet they have really good waffles. My family’s really into waffles.
Damien: Yeah I barely tasted them. My father left when I was four so he could work on the Oslo Accord.
Jenny: He worked on the Oslo accord? That sounds major.
Damien: Yeah, clearly more major than being a father, but…
Damien: What exactly does an Upper East Side Queen do? Wear designer clothes, boss people around?
Jenny: No. I go to parties and openings and stuff.
Damien: Where you wear designer clothes and boss people around. Sounds like kind of a yawn.
Jenny: Well yeah, I guess compared to being the international drug dealer.
Olivia: If you just let yourself, you’ll see that your feelings for her are real. And you should stop kidding yourself.
Chuck: You and your father have until noon to collect your luggage. After that it’s in the river.
Jenny: Chuck, you’re totally overreacting. I’m really fine.
Damien: Dude, the lady said she’s fine.
Chuck: Dude. I’m Chuck Bass. Even Europeans must know what that means.
Vanessa: Hello Prince. Here I am. Snow White.
Vanessa: And I got plastic surgery and colored my hair like you suggested.
Dorota: I’m not talking with Vanya. Now he not stop calling. And texting. Tweeting. Writing on Wall.
Lily: Maureen! Oh I am so glad to see you. How was D.C.?
Maureen: So much to get ready. But Trip insisted we spend the holidays here.
Lily: Speaking of, I’d love to know why he has my daughter working on Thanksgiving. She said she’s volunteering at a soup kitchen with him. I’ve never seen her work these kinds of hours. Is it always like this with him?
Maureen: No, his schedule’s been especially busy these last few weeks.
Lily: This is probably an over-step, but do you think you could convince him to spend part of your Thanksgiving with us—you know, force my daughter to have a little family time?
Gossip Girl: Uh oh. Looks like someone’s small Thanksgiving might just have a big problem.
Maureen: Yes. Yes. We’d love to come.
Gossip Girl: May the Lord make us truly thankful for what we are about to receive.
Vanessa: Then she starts lecturing the poor cashier that Thanksgiving is nothing more than a corporate agenda of the Food Industry masquerading as family sentiment.
Dan: That reminds me: if my dad asks, we followed his recipe for homemade pie crust to the letter.
Dorota: I should sleep early too. I agreed to work at Miss Lily’s tomorrow. Big Thanksgiving for them all the sudden. But she offered me time-and-a-half, so…
Cece: Hello Daniel.
Dan: You’re looking well, Cece.
Cece: I am, aren’t I?
Dorota: You don’t understand—we’re not married. My parents start next Polish-Soviet war. Russians once again not victors, believe me.