Vanessa: Your dad called me because he couldn’t reach you. I told him to call Serena because I assumed she’d be with you. Because what other reason could there possibly be that you haven’t called or emailed me all summer. Or making me have this conversation in the doorway.
Dan: Vanessa, I’m so sorry about that, but there is a reason.
Vanessa surveying the apartment: Is it because you’ve become a hoarder?
Vanessa: What other possible reason could there be in the God-I-Don’t-Believe-In’s Universe for Georgina Sparks to be leaving lingerie around your house?
Dan: Meet Milo. He’s our son.
Juliet: Wouldn’t want to interrupt your girlfriend’s private conversation. It seemed pretty important.
Nate: She’s not my girlfriend.
Juliet: I was being polite.
Dan: Do you know how difficult it is to keep a baby alive? You can’t drop it, you can’t leave it alone. It has to eat like every three hours. If I don’t know what hit me here, how am I supposed to tell my dad?
Vanessa: I have to ask, as will Rufus: are you sure Milo’s yours?
Dan: Of course he is. I mean I’m pretty…. I’m pretty sure.
Vanessa: You didn’t have a paternity test?
Dan: I’ve been waiting for the crazy shoe to drop but it never did. I mean, she’s been great with Milo.
Vanessa: Dan, we’re talking about Georgina Sparks. Her hair lies. You can’t trust one thing that comes out of her mouth. Let alone anywhere else.
Lily: Eleanor, you’re early.
Eleanor: Oh just to set up, dear. And to accessorize you properly.
Rufus: You know, Bass is not her middle name.
Eleanor: I was afraid nobody would know who she was. Not a lot of Humphreys in the society pages.
Eleanor: What’s going on, why does Georgina Sparks have a baby?
Georgina: At least now everybody’s talking.
Lily: Oh please. You’re enjoying this.
Juliet: Your friend who lent you his book. What was his name?
Nate: Chuck Bass.
Juliet: And what would Chuck Bass do in a situation like this?
Nate: He wouldn’t be in this situation.
Juliet: And you shouldn’t be either. When you’re ready to talk about what really got you into this place, give me a call.
Louis: He told me that I was being over-cautious. But I see that I was not.
Blair: About what?
Louis: I am the royal. Jean-Michel is my driver. When you asked me so many questions about my name, my car, the Embassy… I was concerned that you may not like me for me.
Blair: What? No? Who would ever—
Louis: It happens sometimes. But when I found you gazing at my favorite painting I thought that someone who loved what I love could one day love me too.
Gossip Girl: We hear Baccarat just updated its menu.
Louis: I thought it was fate. But I guess not.
Blair: No no no! It is fate. It’s just…
Louis: Good evening, Blair.
Gossip Girl: The gâteau du jour? Is now humble pie. Bon appetit, Blair.
Eva: Welcome to Paris, Henry.
Chuck: Let’s go home.
Nate: I’m sorry for the seven hour long story.
Juliet Sharpe: Are you kidding? Serena took her best friend’s boyfriend’s virginity, ran away to boarding school, bounced from guy to guy. Until dating your married congressman cousin. Fell in love with you and then cheated on you with your friend who’s also her ex?
Juliet: The only thing that would make it better is if one of those boyfriends turned out to be her brother.
Nate: Well does step-brother count?
Juliet: The life of Serena van der Woodsen is like the most complicated Jane Austen novel ever.
Insp. Chevalier: The body was in no condition for fingerprints, but we found this. shows her a wallet and passport.
Serena: That’s his.
Insp. Chevalier: We’re testing the blood on the wallet. Do you need a moment to gather yourself?
Serena: No amount of time will ever make this okay.
Eva: Five more minutes.
Chuck: As pleasurable as those 300 seconds sound, your uncle was already generous enough to help the strange American you brought home from Prague. I don’t want to be late for my first day on the job.
Eva: You’re a good man, Henry Prince. Too good.
Juliet: Vanessa, you’re amazing with him.
Dan: Yeah, she’s a serious Baby Whisperer.
Eva: Tell me you didn’t rob a bank?
Chuck: My grandfather left me a small inheritance. I’ve just been waiting for the right thing to spend it on.
Eva: Well it doesn’t look small to me.
Chuck: It’s enough to get us to London. Then Kerala.
Serena: Chuck, it’s you.
Eva: Who’s here?
Serena: Oh hi. I’m Serena van der Woodsen. I’m really sorry to show up like this. I’ve just been looking for Chuck everywhere.
Eva: Henry, what is she talking about?
Chuck: I don’t know. to Serena. The man you’re looking for is not here.
Louis: I had no idea you had such deep appreciation for street food. I’m quite surprised that your favorite restaurant is on Rue de la Huchette.
Blair: Yes well, the masterpieces of the Louvre don’t compare to the simple pleasures of a kebab.
Vanessa: Stop. Talking.
Dan: You know I’m not good at that.
Eva to Serena: I knew it was too good to be true. Who is she?
Louis: I hope your calling me means your business is complete.
Blair: It is. I’m sorry it distracted me from your parents’ ball.
Louis: In Paris there is always another ball.
The Sarkozys are saluting Jerry Lewis tomorrow night. If you’re not otherwise engaged.
Blair: There’s nothing I’d rather do than salute Jerry Lewis. But I can’t live in this fairy tale.
Louis: I promise this is not a story for little girls.
Blair: But I’ve been using it to run away from my real life on the Upper East Side. Someone there did something for me that I have to honor.
Louis: Will I ever see you again?
Blair: You can always come find me. hands him her shoe. It’s Vivier. It’s worth a hell of a lot more than a glass slipper.
Juliet on the phone: I had to improvise but it’s done. I’ll see you soon and we’ll talk about what’s next. Take care. Hang in there. I miss you.
Eva: When you didn’t come home last night I assumed you’d left with that girl.
Chuck: I owe you an apology. I don’t expect you to understand but where I’m from people lie and cheat and destroy whoever gets in their way. I did it better than any of them. When you dragged me in from that alley, you didn’t just save my life, you gave me the hope of a new one.
Eva: Well, the you I’ve been living with never did anything to be ashamed of. I hope you’ll bring some of him with you back to your world.
Chuck: I fully intend to. If you’ll come with me.
Eva: To New York? You got me a ticket?
Chuck: We don’t need tickets. I’m Chuck Bass.
Blair: I don’t understand. How can Gossip Girl be down my first day at Columbia?
Dorota: Maybe Gossip Girl get kidnapped. Unstable ex-boyfriend lock internet—
Blair: Dorota! What did I tell you? No more watching Law and Order: SVU while you’re breastfeeding.
Eva: So if you really are the big boss like you say can you make it so that no one comes up here and disturbs us?
Chuck: I already made the call.
Eva: Everything’s so different. I keep wanting to call him Henry.
Chuck: It’s a long story, but it has a happy ending.
Penelope: Sorry, but this is a private club. No has-beens allowed.
Serena: Penelope. Good to see you too. Long time.
Blair: Clearly standards have slipped if you’re a member here. To whom should I speak to have you removed once we get our keys?
Penelope: The wall.
My great aunt. She was a founding member.
Blair: Ah. Nepotism. That explains it. Now if you don’t mind, could you direct me to the keymaster. Then get me some cashews. I’m famished.
Serena: Did you just get a key?
Key Holder: Yep. And my mom said I’d never get in unless I lost ten pounds. Hm. She’s a bitch.
Vanessa: If Ted Danson and Tom Selleck can do it, so can we. Right?
Dan: As long as it doesn’t make me Guttenberg.
Penelope: Finally. Nothing makes it a party like a Serena-Blair Showdown. Prepare your cellphones, ladies.
Juliet: Whatever twisted frenemy-slash-ex-boyfriend situation you have going on, Serena, it has nothing to do with me. I told you that the alumni committee makes the decisions—
Serena: You seriously thought we wouldn’t know anyone on the committee?
Juliet: You can’t. That’s the secret part of a secret committee.
Lily walking in: Unless the keymaster misbehaves. Half of the board members of Bass Industries are alumni. One phonecall confirmed the obvious. That Serena has always been at the top of the list. Congratulations darling. to Juliet: Key please.
Dan: I’m truly glad that you’ve gotten your priorities straightened out here, but there is no way that I’m letting you take this child.
Georgina: I’m sorry Dan, but it’s not your choice. He’s not your son.
Chuck: Please let me explain.
Eva: There’s nothing to say. I told you this would happen.
Chuck: It wasn’t you I was ashamed of, it was me.
Eva: What do you have to been ashamed of?
Chuck: Everything I did until the day I met you. Look, I should have told you about my past but I couldn’t risk losing you.
Eva: Well I’m going now. So tell me, who the hell are you, Chuck Bass?
Chuck: You didn’t leave.
Eva: I’m not going to lie. It was hard to hear the things you’ve done. But I’ve seen the man you can be. I choose to believe in that man.
Chuck: Come on, let’s meet my family.
Juliet: Some advice: don’t get into a fight at a party you helped organize.
Dan: Your pancakes are burning. Why did you bring out four plates?
Vanessa: Don’t be mad but this has been going on for too long so I had to call for backup.
Juliet: You’re a great influence. He’s really changed.
Eva: I take no credit. Old Chuck, bad Chuck, good Chuck, new Chuck. To me it’s one man, one journey.
Juliet: Wow. You really are from Europe.
Dan: I’m fine.
Vanessa: Dan, you’ve been sleeping all day, cutting class. I caught you watching Wild Hogs and laughing.
Vanessa: Where are you going?
Dan: I’m going to go to Nate’s. I would have told you sooner but your intervention intervened.
Blair: Forgive me for being vulgar, but I’ve always wanted a Baignoire timepiece. Might I see it?
Eva: Oh, I— I don’t have it on. I brought it in to be resized.
Blair: Are you sure you mean resized? Because I think you brought it in to be returned. For cash. See? That is Eva selling the watch. It is pretty. The watch I mean. Not the wad of hundies. Though Eva might disagree.
Chuck: Eva, what’s going on?
Eva: I needed the money for a friend.
Blair: That weak excuse might have worked in the former Vichy Republic, but Chuck and I are savvy New Yorkers.
Eva about meeting Chuck: Actually I was in my room when I heard the gunshots. I went downstairs and…
Blair: You found him?
Eva: Well when the ambulance didn’t show up I knew I had to do something myself.
Blair: So you’re a beautiful blonde nurse without a mean bone in your body and you literally saved Chuck’s life.
Eva: You make it sound like I’m an angel. I just… I just did what I had to.
Eva to Chuck: What do you think? silence. You know.
Dan: I had fun today. For the first time in a really long time.
Vanessa: Good for you, Dan. I’m glad that Serena’s so fun and I’m sorry that I’m not. That I’m just trying to make you deal with your feelings, with your life.
Dan: Every second of every day.
Vanessa: I’m trying to help you because that’s what adults do in an adult relationship.
Blair: Eva, would you mind if I had a word with Chuck? It’s important.
Eva: Why not Blair. What more can you possibly do to me.
Chuck: I found my passport in your suitcase.
Eva: What are you talking about?
Chuck: I should have known. You lied about the watch. You lied about your former career.
Eva: Is that what you think of me?
Chuck: I let you in. Told you everything—the whole of how my mother, my uncle, tried to take me. You sat there and you thought “I’m next”.
Eva: I’m sorry. I’ll pack my things.
Chuck: Only the things you came with.
Chuck: Eva, stop it. Look, I’m so sorry. I should never have doubted you. I made a terrible mistake.
Eva still packing: You did. Thank you for saying so.
Chuck: Look, you are pure and perfect. I will make this up to you, I promise.
Eva: Chuck, I have to go.
Chuck: No, look, you don’t. Blair set us up. I know better now.
Eva: Of course Blair lied to you. She’s a liar. But you chose to believe her. You are still connected to her. I see it when you’re together. I can feel it when I’m in the room.
Chuck: So let’s go away. Just you and me. Let’s go back to Paris, wherever you want. Right now.
Eva: You will always feel the pull of New York. This is your home. And now it’s time for me to return to mine.
Chuck: Don’t leave. Everybody leaves.
Eva: You’re Chuck Bass. And that means something different now. Don’t forget it. And don’t forget me.
Ivan: I’ll have this clean for you in the morning, sir. I ran into Eva and she said she was leaving. I’m sorry. She’ll be missed.
Chuck: Ivan. You’re fired.
Serena: Hey! Hey hey. Are you kidding me?
Cab Poacher: Hey, you again.
Serena: Yes. Me again. Getting my cab taken by you again.
Cab Poacher: Nice bag. I like it better than the one you had the other day.
Serena: Thank you. It’s supposed to be at class with me. I can’t be late again so if you don’t mind.
Cab Poacher: Sorry, she had an audition. Something…
I think a talking dog was involved.
Serena: Yeah, I know the feeling.
Cab Poacher: Why don’t you let me make it up to you. Buy you a drink sometime?
Serena: Are you seriously hitting on me while still holding your date’s shoes?
Cab Poacher: Well if you change your mind, the King Cole Bar is the only place in town that still makes a Red Snapper. You look like you’re about a size eight.
Vanessa: Your guitar tuner. Really? You have the worst poker face ever.
Rufus: Okay, fine. Dan hasn’t been returning my calls and I wanted to make sure everything was okay with you guys.
Vanessa: Everything is better than okay. Dan and I had a marathon talk. Everything we hadn’t dealt with, including Serena. And from now on there’s no more secrets or surprises.
Rufus: Well that’s great. Never doubted you guys for a second.
Vanessa: Seriously. You need to practice in the mirror or something. I don’t know how they let you live on the Upper East Side.
Juliet: Have you been spying on me?
Ben: Spying implies a lack of trust. And I know that I can trust you.
Juliet: I’m only dating Nate to stay in Serena’s orbit.
Ben: Good. Because we agreed that we would not stop until Serena was left with nothing. Just like I was. And the next thing to take from her is Columbia.
Juliet: Okay, it says here that you both slept with Serena and Vanessa, and that Vanessa also slept with Chuck who slept with Blair.
Nate: All that’s on Gossip Girl?
Juliet: Yeah. She made a chart actually, which I have to say is very helpful.
Blair: Ms. Chamberlin, whatever Mr. Bass has told you I assure you he has no interest in your class or any idea who you even are.
Martha Chamberlin: Thank you?
Serena: What is going on?
better not to know. Plausible deniability.
Sam introducing herself: Sam. Hi. I must say, Blair did not do you justice.
Ms. Chamberlin: I know the feeling. to Blair: You thought this was my special someone.
Blair: No. I mean unless…
Ms. Chamberlin: What? Since I’m a powerful career-driven woman who intimidates men I must be a lesbian.
Blair: No. This is not the date I set up! He was an intellectual property lawyer who does pro bono work helping kids sue Hollywood for stealing their Twitter ideas.
Ms. Chamberlin: Then I suggest you see if he needs an assistant. My class is full. Forever. Great scarf by the way.
Serena: I’m so sorry I didn’t make our meeting this morning, but as I mentioned in my email I’m hoping to impress upon you—upon both of you—that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to succeed at this school.
Dean: Yes, the email that you sent to Professor Lawford makes that pretty clear.
Serena: I’m sorry?
Dean: Perhaps we should have this conversation in private.
Serena: And what conversation would that be?
Dean: The one regarding your email that offers sex for grades.
Serena: What? I didn’t do that, I would never do that.
Dean: This is your email address, is it not?
Serena: Yes, but I didn’t send this.
Dean: Miss van der Woodsen, obviously we pay no mind to childish rumors that circulate all college campuses, but this email is extremely serious. The consequence of sending it I’m afraid is expulsion.
Vanessa: Did you send that email—the one that came from Serena’s phone offering sex to her professor?
Juliet: What? Why would I do that? If you ask me it sounds like an idea that Serena would get all on her own.
Vanessa: I don’t think she would do that. I’m going to tell her we had her phone.
Juliet: Wait. Don’t. Maybe if we had access to it then somebody else did as well. I didn’t send that email. But if you tell her that we took her phone she is going to blame us and I could get expelled.
Vanessa: And so could she. If you didn’t send it then you have nothing to worry about.
Ms. Chamberlin: Oh my god. You students are psychotic. I have better things to do with my time. Tell the dean I quit.
Chuck: Shame. Sounded like a good class. If you’ll excuse me I’ve heard good things about the Make-Your-Own-Pizza Bar.
Vanessa: I can explain.
Dan: You took Serena’s phone?
Serena: She thinks we slept together. Wait, you were the one behind the Gossip Girl rumor.
Vanessa: What? No! I know how this looks but I did not send out that email. Juliet did. She’s the one who wanted to steal your cellphone in the first place.
Juliet: Are you kidding me? There’s no way that I’m getting dragged into this. I wasn’t going to say anything, but Vanessa came to me today. She asked me to help her get revenge and I told her no.
Vanessa: That is a lie!
Nate: No it’s not. Juliet told me before the party. She was hoping to talk to Vanessa and calm her down, but… I’m sorry, man.
Dan: Wait, is that why you were so happy earlier and you wanted to get out of here?
Serena: Yeah, with my phone so that she could get rid of the evidence and make sure I was expelled.
Vanessa: I did not do this. After everything we’ve been through I’m asking you to please believe me.
Dan: I don’t know what to believe right now.
Juliet: What did you expect me to do? I had to protect myself.
Vanessa: You’re right. You do.
Dean: I believe you didn’t send that email. But I can’t ignore the level of drama that has followed you to my campus and grown even louder since you’ve arrived.
Dean: Women of my generation had to fight for every opportunity. And to be taken seriously. And your attitude, Miss van der Woodsen, makes a mockery of that. If I were you, I’d rethink my priorities. Goodnight. Blair walks in. Miss Waldorf, I have my eye on you as well.
Vanessa: Dan it’s really important to me that you know I didn’t start any rumors. Or send out that email.
Dan: I believe you—I think. But it doesn’t change the fact that you didn’t believe me.
Vanessa: I know that now. It’s just too bad that it took losing you to figure out.
Cab Poacher: Tell you what, one drink one question. Tell me why you’re drinking alone and I’ll tell you anything you want.
Serena: I thought I could start over. But it turns out college is just high school with more expensive books. There’s no starting over. No matter where I go, whatever I do, my past seems to follow me. So. What about you? Why are you with a different girl every night?
Cab Poacher: Because I stopped apologizing for my past a long time ago.
Serena: Does that really work? Does it actually make you happy?
Cab Poacher: It did.
Ben: Why didn’t you stick to the plan?
Juliet: Like I said the first time, I thought Vanessa was the better option.
Ben: Well she wasn’t. Serena didn’t get expelled.
Juliet: But now I’m in with Serena and I can become her confidante. Find something even bigger to take her down with.
Ben: Good. Because now you have no choice. And I better not find out that this was about protecting Nate. Because if you’re falling for him…
Juliet: I’m not. I swear.
Ben: I guess I have to trust you.
Juliet: Yeah, I guess you do.
Jenny: Whatever you’re about to do, Blair, my dad and Lily are going to be home any minute.
Blair: Not to worry, Little J. This is going to be a very short conversation. I let you walk away after you whored yourself out to Chuck because I assumed you were smart enough never to come back. I might have been willing to make exceptions for holidays, birthdays, health emergencies of immediate family members, but I don’t believe any of those scenarios apply.
Jenny: Blair I’m just here for one day. I have an interview with Tim Gunn and if everything goes well then he’ll write me a recommendation letter for Parsons.
Blair: Parsons is still in Manhattan is it not?
Jenny: Lower Manhattan. It’s a hundred blocks away from the Upper East Side.
Blair: Semantics! You were banished. If people think I’m not a woman of my word the whole system could break down.
Jenny: Look Blair, I’m not looking to destabilize your social order. You know how much fashion means to me and Parsons is the school for it.
Blair: I’ll call you a car to take you back to Hudson. And wait while you pack.
Jenny: How about a day pass? I promise I’ll leave directly after my interview and you know, who knows if Tim Gunn’s even going to like my work. But either way I won’t set foot in Manhattan for the rest of the year, not even Christmas.
Blair: Jenny-free Holiday Season. It’s been on my wish list for quite some time. Amnesty ’til midnight.
Juliet: So… running into each other at a prison. That’s kind of awkward.
Nate: Yeah, especially because you said you were going to class.
Penelope: Nothing could be more entertaining than bottle-Blonde recon, but we’re still dying to know why you deported Jenny in the first place.
Blair: Yours is not to wonder why. Yours is to do or die. Go!
Dan: Okay, so what’s really going on?
Jenny: Well Blair stopped by with her Welcome Wagon. I don’t know why I thought I could sneak back in for a day, but…
Eric: How did she know you were here before I did?
Jenny: She’s the Wicked Witch of the Upper East Side. I’m sure one of her monkeys spotted me getting off the train or something. But it’s fine. She’s giving me a day pass as long as I don’t see or talk to anyone.
Dan: That’s ridiculous.
Jenny: Yes. It is 100% Vintage Crazy-ass Blair. But really, though. I mean I have no interest in going back to being GI Jenny and warring with Blair.
Eric: How very Gandhi of you.
Tim Gunn: Confidence and self-worth? I don’t know if this is your idea of a joke, but it’s not funny.
Juliet: There are some things that I need to tell you about me and my family.
Jenny: Give it up Blair. Everyone knows I did. And who I gave it to.
Dan: So much for Zen Jenny Humphrey.
Jenny: Come on, Dan. I just did what needed to be done.
Dan: It’s what Blair and Chuck would have done. Jen, I was proud of you for moving on. But if this is what you’ve become after just a day back? Maybe Blair was right after all, and maybe you should go back to Hudson.
Nate: Whatever happened to “in good times and bad”?
Mr. Archibald: I don’t know. I spent most of our marriage focused on “for richer or poorer”.
If you’ve come to gloat, I would relish the moment. It will be fleeting.
Jenny: You’re right. Because I’m leaving. Despite what happened today I can’t beat you. In order to beat you I’d have to become you and I’m better than that. At least I want to be.
Blair: Nice try, Jenny Humphrey. We know you’re just scared and want to save face.
Jenny: You two used to be in love. And together you were invincible. But now that you’ve turned against each other it’s just a matter of time before your mutual destruction. And when that happens maybe I’ll think about coming home. But for now: Goodbye, good riddance and good luck.
Colin: How’s it going?
Juliet: You weren’t kidding when you said it’d be a challenge.
Colin: Well. All good things are worth waiting for.
Dorota: Happy to have you home, Miss. Eleanor.
Eleanor: You didn’t think I would miss throwing my only child a 20th birthday party.
Blair: Mother you do know that my actual birthday isn’t until next week, don’t you?
Eleanor: Twenty-three hours of labor, I am not likely to forget.
Blair: How’s the guest list coming?
Eleanor: Everyone who’s anyone will be here. But I couldn’t help but notice a certain Charles Bass has been added to the list. Blair. We don’t need any trouble.
Blair: He’ll be no trouble, Mother. He and I are good.
Eleanor: Yeah. So good you have been berating the help all day.
Blair: Dorota, what’s going on with me?
Dorota: You aren’t fighting with Mr. Chuck so you fight with everyone else.
Eleanor: I could kill the caterer. The appetizer tray looks like a Rorschach Test.
Nate: If you left me for that guy you can say so. I mean why is it such a big secret?
Juliet: It’s not what you think. Now if you don’t mind.
Nate: No first you’re going to tell me what’s going on. You’ve lied to me enough.
Juliet: He’s my cousin, Nate. And the reason we don’t want people to know is because he’s a teacher and I’m a student.
Nate: And he’s dating Serena.
Juliet: Oh my god.
Dorota: She borrow my tiara. She not give it back yet. But that’s okay. She is 20, she deserve 20 tiaras. She has great heart, style and grace. Even when she get mad. Happy Birthday Miss Blair!
Rita: Luckily, Robin was working with me in New York this week and able to bring along a very special video of Blair.
Tiffany: What is it?
Penelope: A Jack Bass sex tape?
Tiffany: A Nelly Yuki snuff film?
Juliet: Okay, we have a big problem. Serena’s professor is Colin. Our cousin Colin.
Ben: What’s the problem?
Juliet: He has no idea what we’re doing. If he finds out I will lose everything.
Ben: Don’t tell me about losing everything.
Juliet: I’m sorry. I know that there’s no love lost between you two, but I need him. He pays for my school, my rent.
Ben: What you need is to get Serena caught with her professor. Whoever he is. Did you get the proof like we talked about?
Juliet: Not yet, but Ben he obviously has no idea who she is. That she’s the one responsible for all—
Ben: It’s because she’s responsible that you have to do this. It is the only way to make things right. It is the only way for our family to ever move on. Now please, Jules, get the proof. And get Serena expelled.
Eleanor: You don’t have to lose the girl to be a woman. Just need to think maybe about how many people are going to be around next time you let her out.
Dan: So I wrecked Blair’s birthday and I betrayed Nate, I disappointed my dad. And as the icing on the cake I pretty much ruined his and Lily’s anniversary.
Vanessa: Other than that, how was your night?
Dan: It was Blair’s 20th birthday party and I’m still acting like an eighth grader. Oh my god. Is it possible the Upper East Side is contagious?
Vanessa: I think we’ve proven that it is. We just need some rest and a good dose of Brooklyn.
Dan: Thanks for being here.
Vanessa: We’ve been friends forever. That’s not going to change.
Colin about The Beautiful and Damned: Anthony Patch is more tragic than Gatsby.
Serena: I can’t believe you actually read it.
Colin: Why wouldn’t I? You gave it to me.
Serena: You know I think I like you too much to do this right now. We’ve come this far. The old me would have gone farther but the new me really wants to wait.
Colin: I’m glad I know the new you. She’s a great teacher.
Serena: So, six more weeks.
Colin: Yeah. At least we stopped ourselves before we made a mess of everything. No one found out. So we’re safe.
Serena: Well in that case.
Vanessa: I had no idea you were a Colin Forrester fan. I saw Matt Lauer interview him on the Today show recently.
Dan: Oh yeah? What was it about?
Vanessa: Who was cuter. Or maybe that was just me.
Dan: Well he’s no Maria Bartiromo but he is Serena’s professor and she’s been raving about him, so I figured I’d borrow… that book from her. And you checked out of this conversation the minute the S word came up.
Vanessa: Sorry, but ever since the Hamilton House debacle I’m dead to anyone in Serena’s life except for you. Nate doesn’t even return my calls.
Dan: Well if it makes you feel any better he’s not talking to me either. He’s still pissed that I stole that treaty.
Vanessa: Well unlike you I didn’t do anything. Juliet framed me, she’s crazy, is any of this ringing a bell?
Dan: Vanessa, let’s not get into this again. We put it behind us, we’re leaving it there. Alright?
Juliet: Sorry I’m late. I had to pull an all-nighter just to finish Persuasion for my comp lit class. Apparently even Jane Austen can have a misfire.
Nate: Look, I’m sorry, Vanessa. I should have believed you when you said she set you up. Juliet’s a liar and she’s been lying to me this whole time.
Vanessa: Finally. Took someone long enough. But seriously, I appreciate you telling me.
Nate: Enough that you’ll help me find out where she’s hiding?
Vanessa: Let me see. Writing a paper on Hannah Arendt or… a secret mission that might help me clear my name. Let me grab my bag.
Serena: Separate flights?
Colin: We’ll meet at the Pink Sands. Your room’s under your name. I always book mine under Buffett.
Juliet: It’s so hard giving up on Ben. I mean, you remember what he was like before. He was so optimistic, idealistic—I mean the day he became a teacher was the happiest day of his life and I guess I just, I still see him like that.
Colin: I know. But he’s not that person anymore. He’s a 26-year-old convict who still hasn’t taken responsibility for his actions. He’s not going to be able to move on until he accepts what happened.
Dorota: If KGB can’t get me to talk, Chuck Bass has no chance.
Colin: Blair. Is Serena here?
Blair: No. But the better question is, why are you here?
Colin: I came to my senses and did what I should have done weeks ago. I called the dean and told her I am done teaching at Columbia. I even managed to find a replacement.
Blair: Just when I had written you off. Well not “just”. I kind of wrote you off weeks ago. Sorry.
Vanessa: Excuse me. Dean Reuther? Hi—
Juliet interrupting: Oh my. Vanessa Abrams, is that you? My apologies, Dean. I haven’t seen this one since Exeter.
Dean Reuther: No problem, Miss Sharp. Have a nice evening.
Vanessa: Exeter? Seriously?
Vanessa: Face it, at the end of the day you’re an outsider just like me. And if it’s ever between one of us and Serena van der Woodsen, they will always choose Serena.
Juliet: Excuse me, Dean Reuther? I have something that you need to see.
GG: Put on your toe shoes, Serena. It’s going to be hard to dance your way out of this one.
Juliet: I have proof that Serena van der Woodsen is having an affair with her professor.
Dean Reuther: Miss Sharp, I am here with friends. This is the one night of the year where I get to try and put everything else out of my mind and just enjoy myself.
Blair: Dean Reuther, may I please have a moment with you?
Dean Reuther: Of course you’re involved with this, Miss Waldorf. I told you and Miss van der Woodsen to try and stay off my radar.
Juliet: Dean Reuther, I’m not lying.
Colin: What’s going on?
Dean Reuther: Nothing that concerns you, Professor. Or concerns anyone for the moment.
Juliet: Actually, it does concern Colin. He’s the one in the photos with Serena.
Dean Reuther: Is that why you resigned your position today?
Colin: While it’s true that I resigned because of my involvement with a student it’s nobody’s business who that student is. All that matters is the responsibility is mine and I took it. By leaving my post.
Juliet: Don’t you see? They’re all protecting each other.
Vanessa: This is what they always do.
Dean Reuther: I’m sorry. Who are you? Miss Sharp, the reality is that with no proof I can’t tell who is telling the truth.
Juliet: Yeah, well there was proof. Until Blair drowned it.
Dean Reuther: Juliet I don’t like tattletales much more than I like young women who use their sexuality to further their academic careers. So if you will please excuse me, I’m going to try my best to to enjoy this performance. Which, hopefully, is a little more graceful than the one I’ve just seen. Good evening.
Colin: You took photos of me? What the hell were you thinking?!
Juliet: You should never have gotten involved with Serena van der Woodsen in the first place! I tried to warn you.
Colin: Oh yeah, you really had my back. I always knew Ben would eventually turn you against me, but I never knew you’d do something like this.
Juliet: It’s not that simple. I never meant to hurt you.
Colin: In this case, the only person you hurt is yourself because, starting now, you are completely cut off. As far as I’m concerned, you are as dead to me as your brother.
Blair: Just because you have no money and delusions of grandeur does not make it okay for you to be a single white trash female.
Juliet: Nate, this isn’t me. You know that.
Nate: How would I ever believe anything you say again.
Blair: Well you can believe the part where she does her own hair.
Serena: You tried to destroy my friendship with Blair, my reputation, my academic career…
Chuck: You failed every time, and now it’s time for you to go.
Juliet: I’m trying to.
Nate: He’s talking about Columbia.
Serena: Hey, why are you guys eating? I thought we were going to Sarabeth’s.
Eric: Ah, we decided we could spread out better here. There’s more room to work.
Serena: On what, your calculus homework?
Eric: Your love life. It’s a little something called “Dan vs. Nate”. We’re here to help.
Elliot: And we brought protractors.
Serena: A Venn diagram, really? You seriously expect me to make this monumental decision with colored pencils and graph paper?
Eric: Don’t mock. Elliot got an 800 on his math SATs.
Elliot: Mm hm. Probability. Set theory. It’s basically what they do when you join an online dating service.
Dean Reuther: I’m sorry, Serena, I have to look at the bigger picture. It’s no longer just your education that’s being disrupted.
Lily: Well I’m sure you realize that Serena was accepted at other Ivy League institutions.
Serena: Mom, please—
Dean Reuther: Well getting out of the city is probably your best course of action. We can refund her tuition and I am happy to facilitate a transfer.
Lily: I think you misunderstood me. Serena chose Columbia. And despite your judgment, she is the victim here. And I’m sure the Times would love to do an article about a dean who tolerates professors in power positions exploiting female students.
Dean Reuther: Well I hope you’ll consider my offer.
Anne: I feel I need to tell you, the board is very focused on the fact that the head of a female empowerment organization needs to be someone who’s empowered herself.
Blair: Well they’re in luck, because power isn’t just my mission. It’s my mantra.
Anne: It’s more your personal relationships that are in question.
Blair: I assume you don’t mean Nate.
Chuck: So I took your advice about the relaunch. After tonight it’ll be clear I’m back in the game. With Victrola, Gimlet, and The Empire as my flagship.
KC: Yeah, but a black and white ball? It’s so Hilton. Conrad, not Paris.
Chuck: I take your insult as flattering.
KC: Well don’t. People aren’t checking into The Empire for a black tie experience. They come to live like Chuck Bass. No rules, no repercussions.
Chuck: They still can. The hotel’s the same as ever.
KC: But you aren’t. When you disappeared you seriously damaged your brand. And the hotel has paid the price.
Chuck: So what do you suggest?
KC: If you want to rebuild you need to commit to being the hedonist everyone loves to hate. No one wants a soft-hearted has-been who’s worried about dating Blair Waldorf.
Chuck: Trust me, a relationship with Blair is the furthest thing from my mind.
Anne: People may forgive the choices you’ve made in your past, but if you want this foundation in your future I’ll need some assurance that Charles won’t be a part of it.
Blair: He’s not even part of my present.
Vanessa: Blair’s pathological for sure, but half of what she does is to protect Serena. And she never pays consequences or takes responsibility.
Juliet: Which is exactly why we need to turn everyone against Serena. So she finally knows what it feels like to be an outsider.
Jenny: Ah… I’d say you’re pretty expert at this yourself.
Juliet: I just like visual aids.
Elliot: We should go as Bacchus and Sergius.
Eric: Yes we should.
Chuck: Just in time to hear KC tell me how I’ve destroyed my Bad Boy business plan once and for all.
KC: I warned you. But it turns out I was wrong. This party is so decadent—and the private rooms frankly illegal, the big romantic gesture showed the hedonist had a heart.
Chuck: So Blair’s the perfect balance.
KC: With the press this will get, you can expect the hotel will be fully booked by Monday.
Blair: Strolling the Christmas markets with Daddy and Roman. Celebrating the Beaujolais Nouveau at Le Tambour. Did you remember my new Burberry?
Blair: That’s the double-faced. I need the shearling. Do you want me to freeze?
Dorota: Yes. I want you to freeze.
Blair: Why aren’t you excited for me? You know how much I love Paris in Autumn.
Dorota: With everything that’s happened with Mr. Chuck and Miss Serena I also know that you want to get out of the Dodge.
Blair: “Out of Dodge”. It’s a place not a pick-up truck. And I’m not leaving because of them. Dorota gives her a look. Well not entirely because of them.
Dorota: It’s Ana’s first holiday season. So many traditions to share. The breaking of oplatek, the waiting for first star. The singing kolenda….
Blair: Do any of these traditions include getting to the point?
Dorota: I took liberty of making Harold’s famous Thanksgiving pie for you.
Blair: I’m not sure that’s getting through airport security.
Dorota: I thought maybe we could drop it off at van der Woodsen’s on way to airport.
Blair: Serena is the one who forced Chuck and me into the open and tried going after my committee. She’s the one staying at Lily’s to avoid me. Shouldn’t she be bringing me pies?
Dorota: Forget I mentioned it. I throw pie in trash.
Blair: No. It’s fine. But this is only about pies and traditions. That’s all. Do they have a word in Polish for “pain in the ass”?
Jenny: Serena in trouble. We screwed up. Coming home.
Dr. Keller: Mrs. Humphrey? I’m Dr. Keller. It was a drug overdose but it wasn’t severe. We have her on fluids right now but her liver and kidneys look fine.
Rufus: What now?
Dr. Keller: Well she’s stable so as soon as she wakes up we’ll have to discharge her. I was wondering if you wanted to discuss a place for her recovery. I understand your family had a good experience with the Ostroff Center.
Lily: Well she’s not a drug addict.
She didn’t mean to harm herself, this was all sort of a stupid mistake, and as you said yourself it wasn’t severe.
Dr. Keller: The amount ingested isn’t what worries me. In addition to the painkillers and sleeping pills we found Nortriptyline in her motel room. It’s an anti-depressant. But taken in conjunction with the other medications it can be fatal. Was your daughter battling depression?
Rufus: Not that we’re aware of.
Dr. Keller: I’ll give you a minute.
Jenny: We need to talk.
Juliet: To my super about letting strangers into my apartment?
Jenny: No, about Serena.
Juliet: Her overdose? I had no idea she was so depressed.
Jenny: She wasn’t. Until we made her that way. I mean we turned everyone against her.
Jenny: Dad, I came as soon as I—
Vanessa: Sorry, I had to tell him what you did to Serena.
Jenny: What I did?
Rufus: I didn’t want to get into it in front of everyone, but now it’s your turn to face the music.
Jenny: Maybe I did try to trick Serena at the Saints and Sinners party but I didn’t do it alone. And we didn’t mean for it to end up like this.
Jenny: Yes! Juliet, me and Vanessa. We were all in it together.
Rufus: That’s not what Vanessa said.
Jenny: What are you going to believe her more than me?
Rufus: Jenny I’m not going to argue with you about how responsible you are. One-third, two-thirds—you can’t deny you did it! And I am not Vanessa and Juliet’s father, I’m yours. Serena could have died.
Jenny: I know! Dad, I know— I’m sorry! I— It was supposed to be a prank to teach her a lesson. I never should have come back to the city.
Rufus: Well on that we can both agree.
Jenny: Then I guess there’s no reason for me to stay.
Rufus: Jenny where are you going?
Ben: Where have you been? I’ve been trying to contact you.
Juliet: I was baking you a punkin pie with a file inside.
Ben: What’s up with you?
Juliet: We have a lot to be thankful for. Saints and Sinners went perfectly. Everyone turned against her. I even got her to drop out of Columbia.
Ben: That’s great. Why didn’t you tell me?
Juliet: Because it’s Serena. She worms herself out of everything and I needed to make sure there was one more nail in her coffin. Something that would force her family and friends to look at her differently. Forever.
Ben: What did you do?
Juliet: They took Serena to St. Margaret’s on a drug overdose.
Ben: Oh my god. You drugged her?
Juliet: Don’t worry. I don’t think there was any permanent damage, to her health at least.
Ben: That was not part of the plan.
Juliet: Well I made it part of the plan. My financial support, apartment, Columbia, Nate. Look, this isn’t just about you anymore. If there is a line that you wouldn’t have crossed, you should have told me before I lost everything. Happy Thanksgiving, brother.
Blair: How many times do I have to go Courtney Love on your ass before you get the message? I don’t want you here.
Jenny: The girl on Gossip Girl’s blast isn’t Serena.
Jenny: It’s Juliet. We had a plan to turn everyone against her. When you and Chuck were exposed at his party, that was me.
Jenny: And while I was doing that Juliet was kissing Dan and Nate. We were both dressed exactly like Serena. This is from her costume. It’s what she wore in those photos.
Blair: That’s a pretty tall tale from a not-too-reliable source.
Jenny: Blair, what reason do I have to come clean? Like it or not, you know me. And you know that I love a good game as much as the next girl but I would never want to hurt Serena for real. Juliet did and she used Vanessa and me to do it.
Blair: Are you willing to go double-agent? Help me bring Juliet down?
Jenny: I wish I could. But you were right in banishing me. I thought I could change and I didn’t. So I think the best thing for me to do is go. And stay gone.
Blair: Thanksgiving without Jenny Humphrey. What fun would that be?
Jenny: Juliet’s apartment’s empty. I’m pretty sure she left town. Good luck.
Nate: Looks like someone’s going to have a busy holiday season.
Anne Archibald: Unfortunately they’re all followed up by a polite phone call asking if your father will be attending.
Anne: Or in the case of Lily’s holiday party for Bass Industries, a hand-written note saying she hopes I understand.
Nate: Wow. I guess I always thought the Mean Girls got a little nicer once they grew up and had kids of their own.
Anne: Quite the opposite, I’m afraid.
Nate: So I really appreciate everything you’ve been doing for Dad, and I, you know, wanted to make sure he deserves the chance you’re giving him. So I called our business manager and asked if Dad had been in contact—made any plans for when he got out.
Anne: Please tell me he didn’t book a one-way flight to the Caribbean.
Nate: No, but he did ask about leasing a house outside the city.
Anne: Why wasn’t I told about this?
Nate: He wanted to tell you. Dad begged him not to say anything… alright, he said you’d find out soon enough— it was supposed to be a surprise.
Anne: I wish I was surprised. So he uses our address to get paroled and uses my money to get his own place. Same old Howard.
Nate: I’m sorry Mom.
Nate: I’m sorry. I might have—
Howard Archibald (Sam Robards): Jumped to conclusions? Pretty quickly too.
Nate: No, you’re right. I guess this transition’s going to be harder than we thought. I’ll talk to mom.
Howard: Don’t bother. I guess you’re not the only one who assumed I was incapable of doing something nice. I was kidding myself. Two of us alone in the country—the two of us together at all? It’s been over for a long time.
Damien: Whatever this is, I’m not getting involved.
Dan: Well if you sold drugs to Juliet then you already are.
Blair: It was bad. Serena ended up in the hospital. And she says she didn’t do it to herself.
Damien: Is she okay?
Dan: She will be.
Damien: Look, Juliet made a pretty big buy, alright? She bought pills, coke, even some ether. I assumed she was throwing a party for those sorority girls at Whatever House.
Damien: It’s like a turn-of-the-century roofie.
Dan: So Serena goes to boarding school with Damien, Damien sells drugs to Juliet.
Blair: But what’s the connection between Juliet and Serena?
Damien: You know what? Why don’t we find her address and go ask her ourselves. This is where I first met Juliet. She’s a townie.
Dan: Do you recognize him?
Damien: Yeah. But I didn’t know he was Juliet’s brother.
if I taught at Knightly I wouldn’t bring my Mystic Pizza townie family to school events either.
Damien: When Serena went back to the city he got fired for sleeping with a student. Everyone was sure it was her.
Damien: There wasn’t a keg cracked within ten miles that Serena didn’t know about. And then suddenly she started staying home, reading in her room. The generous conclusion to draw would be that Serena was getting her act together. Focusing on school.
Dan: Yeah, but no one thought that. They assumed she was sleeping with a handsome young English teacher.
Blair: Was she?
Damien: Well I always thought the best about Serena, but…
Blair: But something made you believe it was true.
Juliet: Dan and Blair showed up in Cornwall with Damien Delgaard.
Ben: Damien? What’s he doing with them?
Juliet: Well considering he’s the one who sold me the pills that I used on Serena I think I have a pretty good guess.
Ben: Look, I told you the drugs were going too far. Never mind if they go to the cops. What if those guys show up at mom’s and start asking questions?
Juliet: Yeah, I’m sure they already did. And I’m sure they are figuring it all out right now.
Which is exactly why I am going to finish this thing once and for all like I should have done in the first place.
Ben: Where are you? Are you in the city? Juliet, you have done enough. Do not go after Serena. If you touch her—
Juliet: What? It’s not like you can stop me.
Ben: Hey! Archibald! I’m Ben, I’m Juliet’s brother, alright, you need to find Serena and make sure she’s okay.
Nate: Wait, wait. What?
Serena: And the photo of me on Gossip Girl. That was you too?
Juliet: Yep. I went out dressed like you and partied like it was 2007.
Serena: And then you just left me for dead in a motel room. Why, because of Nate? Or Colin?
Juliet: No, you stupid bitch. Because you destroyed my brother’s life!
Serena: Who’s your brother?
Juliet: Ben Donovan.
Serena: Ben is your brother? What did I ever do to him?
Blair: What’s going on?
Eric: I don’t know, but I feel a little sick inside and not just because I’m looking at him. What, have you come to recruit another virgin to be your drug mule?
Damien: I would say, “Why, are you available?” But I’m leaving. Thanks for the ride into the city.
Board Member: Please, Rufus, take the holiday to get things under control. With the upcoming sale of Bass Industries we don’t need any more surprises. Rufus looks confused. Lily said she told you.
Rufus: Of course, yeah. Forgive me, it’s been a dizzying few days.