Season 4

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The Undergraduates

Nate: So Henry. Why do I get the impression you might not have told her your whole life story?

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Touch of Eva

Chuck: Why are you staring at me?
Nate: Philanthropy. Chatting with the help about sports. It’s nice to see you… nice.

Nate about Juliet’s hasty exit: I thought her phone died.

Nate: Look at these pictures of Juliet. She’s coming out of the 116th subway station at 10pm on the night she said she had too much work to go out with me. You were right. She’s gotta be seeing someone else. What do I do?
Chuck: Well the old Chuck Bass would have told you to play the same game, make her jealous. But the new Chuck thinks you should be honest. Tell her how you feel; how much you like her.
Nate: I hope you didn’t lose old Chuck’s number. Eva was just spotted at the park with Blair.

Nate: I covered for you, okay? And I think Vanessa bought it but you know I’m a bad liar. Juliet took her for coffee. What’s going on?
Dan: Um… it’s complicated.
Nate: Does complicated mean you’re cheating on Vanessa?

Nate: Woah woah woah. So now your promises to Blair mean more than your pact with me? Or your relationship with Vanessa?
Dan: Nate, she’s a prostitute.
Nate: What?
Dan: I don’t mean in a gold diggerish, “Eva’s into Chuck’s money” kind of way, I mean she’s like got a web page and a price list. But you can’t tell Chuck. Please please please don’t tell Chuck. Blair wants to deal with this on her own.
Nate: Yeah, I bet she does.

Chuck: Nate Archibald has his “I hate to tell you this” face on.
Nate: Blair’s been looking into Eva’s past.
Chuck: Well we can’t be too surprised about that, can we?
Nate: She found something. Eva is—or at least she was— Chuck, she’s a prostitute.
Chuck: Nathaniel, I may be nice but I’m still me. You think I didn’t already know this?
Nate relieved: Oh, I— Of course you did. Look I’m sorry. Just be careful, okay? Knowing Blair’s she’s going to try and out this whole thing at the party later.

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Goodbye, Columbia

Nate: That’s great you and Vanessa sorted everything out. We should double. Juliet and I are going to this Faculty & Friends mixer tomorrow night at the Hamilton House. You guys wanna come?
Dan: Mm… No.
Nate: There’s free appetizers, Humphrey.
Dan: Oh. Okay. Fine. You wanna go see a movie afterward?
Nate: No can do.
Dan: Oh come on, it doesn’t even have to have subtitles.
Nate: That sounds great. No, Juliet and I have this nice little evening planned after the mixer. Got some nice champagne, new Matteo sheets. And I’m hoping some recently purchased lingerie.
Dan: That’s for her, right? Wait a second, you guys haven’t ah…
Nate: No, I haven’t. I did spend the night at her place but I took a page from the old Humphrey playbook and we just talked and played Scrabble.
Dan: That’s nice. Thanks.

Dan: By the way, thank you for inviting me today. After everything that’s happened between us—
Nate: Yeah yeah yeah. I missed you too. No hugs. You’re not getting a hug.
Dan: Not one?
Nate: Not one.

Nate: Thanks for coming with me, man.
Dan: No problem. I shouldn’t have told you about the cotton swab thing. That was insensitive. But just think about how happy you’ll be with a clean bill of health tomorrow.
Serena: What the hell are you doing? And you, it’s been what, two years?
Dan: I’m a wingman.

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Easy J

Dan: How was your big night with Juliet?
Nate: Totally worth the wait. At least I thought so.
Dan: Huh? What do you mean?
Nate: This morning she bolted. She said she couldn’t skip class.
Dan: So?
Nate: So? I thought she’d wanna hang. You know, maybe have breakfast at Tom’s, stay in bed all day. I don’t know.
Dan: Right, well I’m going to ignore the fact that you have the best problems ever and tell you just not to read too much into it. I know this might come as a shock but maybe she didn’t want to skip class.

Juliet: So… running into each other at a prison. That’s kind of awkward.
Nate: Yeah, especially because you said you were going to class.
Juliet: Were you following me or something?
Nate: No. No. I wasn’t following you, okay? I’m visiting my dad. He’s in for fraud and embezzlement. He just got transferred down from Upstate.
Juliet: Oh my god, why didn’t you tell me?
Nate: Well it’s usually not a part of my A-game pillow talk. I mean it was in all the papers. I thought you might know and I wouldn’t have to talk about it.
Juliet: No. I didn’t. I’m sorry, I wasn’t living in the city then.
Nate: No, it’s okay. It’s nice to have someone to talk to who might understand.

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War at the Roses

Blair: What is he doing here?
Chuck: What is she doing here?
Blair: And who brought the Avon Lady?
Nate: She’s a court stenographer. And there’s a notary on the way.
Serena: We’ve witnessed the Waldorf-Bass wars firsthand. We know you both. You have nuclear capability.
Nate: Sooner
or later one of you is going to press the other’s button and we’re going to end up with nothing but cockroaches.

Nate: So that is the guy that Juliet broke up with me for. He just lied to my face.
Blair: Juliet’s dating him too?
Nate: Too?
Blair: So is Serena. I knew that Juliet was evil. I have to go warn Serena.

Nate: If you left me for that guy you can say so. I mean why is it such a big secret?
Juliet: It’s not what you think. Now if you don’t mind.
Nate: No first you’re going to tell me what’s going on. You’ve lied to me enough.
Juliet: He’s my cousin, Nate. And the reason we don’t want people to know is because he’s a teacher and I’m a student.
Nate: And he’s dating Serena.
Juliet: Oh my god.

Blair: [E]ven if Nate and Serena peeked at the treaty you’re the only one with a motive.
Dan: Actually there was someone else.
Chuck: Is this a joke?
Blair: You did this?
Dan: My sister doesn’t feel safe to live in her own house or be with her parents on their anniversary. She was a different person before she met the two of you.
Nate: Come on Dan. It’s not about Jenny. It may have started out that way but this is about you getting revenge. And you went behind my back to get it.
Dan: I know Nate, but come on. They deserve what they get. I’m not sorry.

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Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

Chuck: What about you? Things back on with Juliet? A romantic rendezvous?
Nate: No, that’s over. I’m just actually swinging by her place to return her things she left this week. I just gotta get rid of them so I can finally be done.
Chuck: Closure. The unattainable goal. In my personal experience the closest I’ve come to getting it is through mass amounts of hate-sex. But that’s just me.
Nate: I think I’ll stick to giving Juliet her shampoo and copy of The Help back.

Nate: Hey, excuse me. I’m dropping some stuff off for Juliet Sharpe.
Doorman: Who?
Nate: Juliet Sharpe. Uh, 4a, I think it is.
Doorman: I’m sorry, there’s no one named Sharpe in this building. Or Juliet for that matter. At least not in the eight years I’ve worked here.
Gossip Girl: Good morning, Upper East Siders. This is your wake up call.

Nate: Hey.
Vanessa: This is how you return phone calls now?
Nate: I went to Juliet’s apartment today and it turns out she doesn’t live there. She never has.
Vanessa: What?
Nate: Look, I’m sorry, Vanessa. I should have believed you when you said she set you up. Juliet’s a liar and she’s been lying to me this whole time.
Vanessa: Finally. Took someone long enough. But seriously, I appreciate you telling me.
Nate: Enough that you’ll help me find out where she’s hiding?
Vanessa: Let me see. Writing a paper on Hannah Arendt or… a secret mission that might help me clear my name. Let me grab my bag.

Nate: Dan Humphrey at the opening night of the ballet. Let me guess, Serena’s date?
Dan: Yeah. You were last week.
Nate: Yeah. She’s probably just using you to make that Colin guy jealous. Just like she used me at Blair’s.
Dan: Actually she and Colin broke up.
Nate: Is that so?

Nate: Everyone your own age is mad at you so you’re befriending the dean?

Serena: Now it’s our turn.
Chuck: Your obsession with Serena has grown tiresome.
Blair: Just because you have no money and delusions of grandeur does not make it okay for you to be a single white trash female.
Juliet: Nate, this isn’t me. You know that.
Nate: How would I ever believe anything you say again.

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The Witches of Bushwick

Dan: Why are you even here? to Vanessa: I assume you’re responsible.
Vanessa: I totally understand if you guys are still mad at me for what happened with Serena, but obviously you miss each other. I’ll take that awkward pause as a yes.
Dan: Don’t think this means that I’ve been calling out your name in my sleep.
Nate: It’s not like I’ve been writing Mrs. Nate Humphrey in my notebook.

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Gaslit

Dan: Hey man I just got your text. What’s up?
Nate: My mom’s filing for divorce. At least she’s trying to.
Dan: Oh. I’m sorry, man. That sucks.
Nate: What am I supposed to do? You know, how do I stop this?
Dan: You can’t. I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, but if kids could fix their parents’ relationships they would. Hell, if we could fix our own relationships we would.
Nate: That’s your advice? Do nothing?
Dan: I mean, if it helps, I know my parents are happier now than they were. And don’t take this the wrong way but I mean it can’t come as a total shock, right?
Nate: It is. I mean she’s had years to do this. The guy embezzled, he got arrested, he tried to skip bail and then he went to prison. She stayed married to him this whole time and now she wants out? I mean what’s worse is that I feel he’s really changed. I just, I gotta get her to see that.
Dan: Well good luck.
Nate: Thanks man. Actually no. No thanks. Your advice really sucked.

Dan: At the party Serena said she didn’t kiss either of us—that she had no idea what happened. And now this? What if something else is going on?
Nate: Or maybe you just want to think that because it’s easier than the truth.

Nate: Dan, I care a lot about Serena, I always will. Whether she realizes it or not this is how she pulls people back in. And I’m not going to let it happen anymore. Neither should you.

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The Townie

Nate: Looks like someone’s going to have a busy holiday season.
Anne Archibald: Unfortunately they’re all followed up by a polite phone call asking if your father will be attending.
Nate: Ah.
Anne: Or in the case of Lily’s holiday party for Bass Industries, a hand-written note saying she hopes I understand.
Nate: Wow. I guess I always thought the Mean Girls got a little nicer once they grew up and had kids of their own.
Anne: Quite the opposite, I’m afraid.

Nate: So I really appreciate everything you’ve been doing for Dad, and I, you know, wanted to make sure he deserves the chance you’re giving him. So I called our business manager and asked if Dad had been in contact—made any plans for when he got out.
Anne: Please tell me he didn’t book a one-way flight to the Caribbean.
Nate: No, but he did ask about leasing a house outside the city.
Anne: Why wasn’t I told about this?
Nate: He wanted to tell you. Dad begged him not to say anything… alright, he said you’d find out soon enough— it was supposed to be a surprise.
Anne: I wish I was surprised. So he uses our address to get paroled and uses my money to get his own place. Same old Howard.
Nate: I’m sorry Mom.

Nate: I found out about the Rhinebeck House, Dad. You couldn’t even wait two weeks before you started spending her money?

Nate: I’m sorry. I might have—
Howard Archibald (Sam Robards): Jumped to conclusions? Pretty quickly too.
Nate: No, you’re right. I guess this transition’s going to be harder than we thought. I’ll talk to mom.
Howard: Don’t bother. I guess you’re not the only one who assumed I was incapable of doing something nice. I was kidding myself. Two of us alone in the country—the two of us together at all? It’s been over for a long time.

Ben: Hey! Archibald! I’m Ben, I’m Juliet’s brother, alright, you need to find Serena and make sure she’s okay.
Nate: Wait, wait. What?

Nate: When’s the last time you talked with Serena? She’s not answering her phone.
Dan: No, they took it away. It’s part of her therapy.
Nate: Oh, so she’s still at The Ostroff? That’s good I guess. She’s safe there.
Dan: What do you mean? Safe from what?
Nate: I was visiting my dad and I ran into Juliet’s brother Ben. He was really upset and he, ah, seems to think Serena’s in danger.
Dan: From who? Juliet?
Nate: I don’t know. He didn’t get a chance to say. But we should probably go check on her. Can you go? I’m in Staten Island.
Dan: No, I’m with Blair and Damien in Connecticut. It’s a long story, but… alright, meet us at the Van der Woodsens. Serena should be okay where she is but we need to find Juliet.

one week later…

Dan: See I told you. Food is more delicious when you cook it yourself.
Nate: Yup.
That’s why we’re going to end this experiment in middle class living and then call the housekeeper to clean up.
Blair: No way! I stuck my hand up a turkey’s butt. You’re not getting out of your job.
Chuck: Well I’ve provided the location, so I did my part. Now I’m off to New Zealand to enjoy a taste of summer and girls who like sex games in the Rain Forest.
Dan: I’ll help clear. It’s only fitting seeing as I did the shopping, set the table and… oversaw the cooking.
Nate getting up to help: Alright.

Nate: I’m out buying you some new clothes. I know you’ve been locked away for awhile, but no one’s wearing orange this season.

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The Kids Are Not All Right

Chuck: I hear you kept yourself entertained in my absence.
Nate: Nope, that’s not me.
Chuck: That’s right. Your father’s out on parole. How’s it been?
Nate: I know he’s earned the right to blow off a little steam, but it’s been nothing but spas and restaurants and night clubs. I mean shouldn’t he be concentrating on his future?
Chuck: Perhaps you should dock his allowance.
Howard Archibald (Sam Robards) from the other room: Oh yeah! Hey Nate, need one more for a foursome. You in, dude?
Nate: That’s not what it sounded like. But I should go. Good luck.
Chuck: You too.

Howard: You gettin’ soft kid?
Nate: No, I’m getting bursitis. That was mile nine. Maybe we should head back.
Howard: I feel like I’m twenty again.
Nate: I am twenty. I feel like I’m going to puke up a lung. Don’t you have things to do?
Howard: Like what? Something on your mind?
Nate: Just making sure you’re concentrating on the future, is all. Your terms of parole are pretty specific. A job, for one.
Howard: I know what the terms are.
Nate: Which is why my PO already has an interview set up this afternoon.

Nate: You know what? A celebratory sounds like a good after-party. Maybe you could get an advance, pick up the check.
Howard: At the pay grade I’m at, I hope you don’t mind a Halal cart.

Howard: I’m gonna make you proud of me, I promise.
Nate: That’s what you said right before you got caught.

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Damien Darko

Howard: I didn’t want to tell you until everything was settled. I have incredible news. I got a job. A real job. As a financial advisor in a top tier company.
Nate: Are you serious? Dad, that’s great!
Howard: I never thought it would happen again—the suits, the business lunches, the ability to pay my own hotel bills. I can’t stop pinching myself.
Nate: What’s the firm?
Howard: Thorpe Enterprises. I’ll be working with Russell Thorpe himself.

Chuck: I just walked past your dad in a two thousand dollar suit.
Nate: It seems the Captain, who could barely get an interview for a custodial position, got a big executive position with the guy trying to buy your company.

Howard: I just got an interesting phone call from Reina Thorpe. Did you tell Chuck to have me fired? Let me guess, you thought I’d embarrass you.
Nate: The Thorpes are trying to take over Bass Industries. We thought they might be using you just to get information.
Howard: I’m a grown man, Nate. And I’m actually good at what I do. Chuck is family. I would never do anything to jeopardize things for him.
Nate: You do realize that’s a total contradiction though. Being Chuck’s family and working for the Thorpes.
Howard: Word around the office is he’s banging Thorpe’s daughter. Talk about sleeping with the enemy.
Nate: But that’s Chuck’s decision, okay? And whatever happens is on him and him alone. You need this second chance. You can’t go down in another scandal.
Howard: So you’re getting me fired instead? All those nights in prison, when I thought I couldn’t take it. When I wanted to quit or die or… I didn’t. Because I knew there was still one person out there who believed in me.
Nate: Dad, you’ll get another job.
Howard: Yeah. Washing toilets.
You know what? I think I’d rather live in a halfway house than live with someone that only halfway trusts me.

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