Gossip Girl Gossip Girl (Narrator)

Season 3

2009.09.14    

Kristen Bell

Reversals of Fortune

Gossip Girl: Welcome back, Upper East Siders. After a long, hot summer away I see it didn’t take much time for you to dirty up the clean slates I gave you. My inbox is overflowing, so let’s get to the good stuff shall we? Spotted: Chuck Bass up to his old tricks. Poor B. I guess nothing good lasts forever.

Gossip Girl: As for a certain leggy blonde by a Hamptons pool, looks like Serena left big shoes to fill. And someone finds them the perfect fit.

Gossip Girl: As for Serena van der Woodsen, you left America a star. But after your exploits in Europe you’ve come back a supernova. And yet nothing explodes without a fuse. I wonder what—or who—lit yours.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Serena van der Woodsen giving Carter Bassin the slip. We’ve all seen the selects but what happened between them when TMZ was MIA? Something tells me the truth is just out of focus.

This just in: an unlikely alliance is forming on the Upper East Side. Too bad it may be too late to do any good.

Gossip Girl: Forget a grand entrance. Everybody knows it’s the exit they’ll remember.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Blair Waldorf learning that just because you get out of the game doesn’t mean there isn’t someone waiting on the bench to take your place.

Gossip Girl: Growing up means one thing: independence. We all want it. Sometimes we use other people to try and get it for ourselves. Sometimes we find it in each other. Sometimes our independence comes at the cost of something else. And our cost can be high. Because more often than not, in order to gain our independence we have to fight. Never give up. Never surrender. XOXO —Gossip Girl

The Freshmen

Gossip Girl: Every fall confident high school seniors transform into nervous college freshmen. They leave their parents’ homes for the hallowed halls of education. And like any new venture, starting college holds the promise of limitless opportunity. The opportunity to conquer new territory. Or to try and be a little less lonely. But just because the opportunity presents itself doesn’t mean everybody is ready to take it.

Gossip Girl: Rah rah sis boom bah. Georgina’s pulled a coup d’etat. This is going to be a blast.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Blair Waldorf. Going from VIP to VD. Poor Blair. How are you going to cure this one?

Gossip Girl: Forget the Four Horsemen. The real evidence the world is coming to an end? Blair Waldorf needing Dan Humphrey to rescue her from social extinction.

Gossip Girl: Seems that Blair Waldorf has finally found Jesus. And invited Him to crash the party.

Gossip Girl: Uh oh, B. Looks like your new flock was just led astray. And by Dan Humphrey, no less. I guess they know a false prophet when they see one.

Gossip Girl: Apparently higher education doesn’t make for smarter decisions. So take out your notebooks and sharpen your pencils, kids. Gossip Girl’s going to college. And this class has a lot to learn.

The Lost Boy

Gossip Girl: Morning in New York. Time to wake up from bad dreams, roll out of the beds we’ve made, and start making plans for a brighter future.

Gossip Girl: When faced with an uncertain future, the questions we truly hate to ask are the ones we we fear we already know the answer to.

Gossip Girl: They say honesty is the best policy.

Gossip Girl: I hope everyone’s policies are paid up, because it looks like we’re on a collision course.

Gossip Girl: Turns out photographs won’t be the only thing up for grabs tonight. A priceless secret is on the auction block. And the bidding begins now.

Gossip Girl: Sorry Vanessa. Looks like the price of truth was just too rich for Scott’s blood.

Gossip Girl: In a bidding war, even when you win what you thought you wanted can be reappraised.

Gossip Girl: Other times, old opponents resurface to raise the stakes. But it’s the things we walk away from that feel like they cost the most. And yet, it’s when we’ve been outbid—forced to watch our prize go home with others—that the rules of protocol no longer apply. I wouldn’t put you paddles away just yet. Who knows what bidders will do when they’re desperate.

Gossip Girl: Anyone want to start the bidding on what happens next? Going once, going twice. XOXO —Gossip Girl

Dan de Fleurette

Gossip Girl: The first day of a new queen’s reign. Nervous subjects twitter and tweet. Will she continue where the old queen left off, or strike out on her own? And what of Queen B? We hear NYU is not yet under her golden thumb. Is she biding her time or simply doing time? But the real story this morning is a queen of the silver screen just enrolled at NYU. Rumor has it she wants to keep a low profile. Sorry your majesty, not if I can help it.

Gossip Girl: Well well. Word is that change is in the air at Constance Billard. I have to wonder when Queen B finds out how Little J is treating her legacy will she let it slide?

Gossip Girl: Poor S. No one told her this was going to be a horror movie.

Gossip Girl: Spotted on the red carpet: Jenny Humphrey on the arm of the Red Baron, Chuck Bass. Guess Queen B isn’t starring in this melodrama.

Gossip Girl: If you ask me, we go to the movies because we want to see fairytales. A sleeping queen woken by her true love’s kiss. A princess who puts aside her jewels to make her way in the world. Lovers torn apart being brought back together. But life isn’t a fairytale. And happy endings are few and far between. In life the young queen becomes a tyrant. And takes her subjects to war. So that’s why we need movies. To remind us that, despite it all, love can still spring in the most unlikely of places. And that sometimes, even fairytales can come true. XOXO —Gossip Girl

Rufus Getting Married

Gossip Girl: Some say love is a river, some says love’s a silly song. Some say love is all around us. It lifts us up where we belong. Some say love is hearing laughter in the rain. But on the Upper East Side, we all know love is pain.

Gossip Girl: Some say love is a secret you keep sealed. But to Georgina Sparks, love is a battlefield.

Gossip Girl: Put on those dancing shoes, kids. Looks like we’re going to the chapel.

Gossip Girl: Looks like this wedding song just became Stormy Weather. But don’t worry. Here comes the sun.

Gossip Girl: Ah. The Wedding March. Here comes… the awkward pause. Looks like the wedding dress might have a runaway train.

Gossip Girl: Oo oo, Love Child. Things didn’t get any easier. Might have to move the honeymoon suite to the Heartbreak Hotel.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: A family reunited. And it feels so good.

Gossip Girl: There are songs that make us want to dance. Songs that make us want to sing along. But the best songs are the ones that bring you back to the moment you first heard them. And once again, break your heart. XOXO —Gossip Girl

Enough About Eve

Gossip Girl: Careful V. Don’t send out your invitations just yet. We hear another girl has her eye on the prize. Thought things are rarely as simple as they appear. And something tells me we’re in for a show.

Gossip Girl: Uh oh. Looks like Carter’s going down to Texas. And Trip’s career is going up in smoke.

Rufus: Hey. You made it!
Gabriela: Rufus. Come here. would you let me look at you! Lay off the caffeine. It’s giving you wrinkles.
Rufus: Eh. I’m just sorry Arlo couldn’t make it.
Gabriela: He says hello. He had to finish installing solar panels on the chicken coop at the co-op.

Gossip Girl: As for Lonely Boy, I suspect tonight is going to be strictly a family affair to remember.

Gossip Girl: Sorry ladies. Les jeux sont faits. Thanks for playing. Each other.

Gossip Girl: Nice try, ladies. You came out swinging but never stood a chance against a Hollywood heavyweight.

Gossip Girl: When it comes to family we’re all still children at heart. No matter how old we get, we always need a place to call home. Because without the people you love most you can’t help but feel all alone in the world.

Gossip Girl: Fortunately, misery loves company. Well. For now at least. XOXO —Gossip Girl

How to Succeed In Bassness

Gossip Girl: All Hallow’s Eve. The one day of the year it’s socially acceptable to play dress-up. The only question is, who do you want to be? There are costumes to make men feel like boys again. Or turn little girls into queens.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: One star with her hand in the cookie jar. Even Paris Hilton knows our Lonely Boy is going to be getting a Halloween treat.

Gossip Girl: Looks like someone’s Ghosts of Tricks Past have come back to haunt this Halloween.

Gossip Girl: Looks like little Chuck finally stepped out from Big Bad Bart’s shadow. Too bad his girlfriend’s still playing on the dark side.

Gossip Girl: You really proved yourself with this one, S. Looks like your work troubles have turned into a labor of love.

Gossip Girl: Like all god things the witching hour must come to an end. True natures are revealed. Tricks are turned into treats. And taking off costumes is as much fun as putting them on. Except for little girls who forget that Halloween is only one night. They wear their costumes for so long pretty soon they can’t even remember who they were before they put them on. XOXO —Gossip Girl

The Grandfather: Part II

Gossip Girl: In Manhattan some parties are VIP only. Others are strictly private. But some parties are political. And those lines are drawn by the most established of the establishment. And once those lines are drawn they can never be crossed.

Gossip Girl: It looks like Trip’s prayers have been answered with another Miracle on the Hudson. Are the van der Bilt’s blessed with good luck? Or good timing?

Gossip Girl: This election may be too close to call. But when it’s his family’s honor or his own, Nate Archibald has the number on speed dial.

Gossip Girl: The polls are closed and Gossip Girl is calling this election. Dirty.

Gossip Girl: Blair and Serena at war again. Yummy.

Gossip Girl: Who would have thought that S and B’s friendship had a term limit. Sorry ladies, party’s over.

Gossip Girl: Sometimes it’s hard to see the lines we’ve drawn. Until we cross them. That’s when we rely on the ones we love to pull us back. And give us something to hold on to.

Gossip Girl: Then there are the clearly marked lines. The ones that if you dare cross you may never find your way back. XOXO — Gossip Girl

They Shoot Humphreys, Don’t They?

Gossip Girl: Have you been so busy that you’ve forgotten what time of year it is? Let me give you a hint: couture, quadrilles and cutthroat competition. That’s right. It’s time for cotillion.

Gossip Girl: Just like the mob, New York prep schools have their own five families. You may be the John Gotti of Constance, Little J. But that doesn’t mean you’ll ever be a part of this Cosa Nostra.

Gossip Girl: In the complicated world of debutante balls, one must choose her dance partner wisely. You never know when a hand on the hip can lead to a knife in the back.

Gossip Girl: Oh uh, Little J. You stepped on Eric’s toes one too many times. Now he’s found a new partner. Who knows what could happen when these two start to tango.

Gossip Girl: We hear Jenny Humphrey has landed Graham Collins as her escort. Better put on that lip gloss ladies. Looks like you’ll be kissing Jenny Humphrey’s ring by the end of the night.

Gossip Girl: Spin your partner round and round. Looks like Little J is going down.

Gossip Girl: Jenny Humphrey went to the ball. Jenny Humphrey had a great fall. And none of her minions, mentors or friends want to put Jenny together again.

Gossip Girl: Oh E, you tried to play dirty at the dance. But you should know, nobody puts Jenny in the corner. And now she’s having the time of her life.

Gossip Girl: Some people think that when the party ends the night is over. But I’ve found it’s when the music stops and the lights come up it’s where the real trouble begins.

Gossip Girl: You better get your beauty rest now. Because it looks like things could get ugly in the morning. XOXO —Gossip Girl

The Last Days of Disco Stick

Gossip Girl: As a famed literary liar once told Oprah, memory is subjective. Memories can be embellished. Or denied. But as James Frey knows all too well, the truth always comes out.

Gossip Girl: Don’t forget yourself, Congressman. Your marriage could wind up in A Million Little Pieces.

Gossip Girl: Uh oh, Playwright. Better whip out your pen. Looks like this cabaret just became a one-man show.

Gossip Girl: Hey Prince Charming, looks like it’s time for you to look in the enchanted mirror.

Gossip Girl: So Snow White lives. But are Dan and Olivia dead?

Gossip Girl: Sometimes it’s after the curtains close that the real reckonings come. Whether it’s about who we wish we were. Or who we wish we could be. Or who we want.

The Treasure of Serena Madre

Gossip Girl: Thanksgiving began when Pilgrims and Indians came together to share the bountiful harvest.

Gossip Girl: On the Upper East Side, that tradition is upheld with a bountiful harvest of secrets, lies and scandals.

Lily: This is probably an over-step, but do you think you could convince him to spend part of your Thanksgiving with us—you know, force my daughter to have a little family time?
Gossip Girl: Uh oh. Looks like someone’s small Thanksgiving might just have a big problem.
Maureen: Yes. Yes. We’d love to come.
Gossip Girl: May the Lord make us truly thankful for what we are about to receive.

Gossip Girl: Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. And what am I most thankful for? The truth. Sometimes it’s the truth you’ve been trying not to face. Or the truth that will change your life. Sometimes it’s the truth that’s a long time coming. Or the truth you prayed would never see the light of day. Some truths may not be heard the way we hoped they would. But they linger long after they’ve been said. But the kind of truth I’m most thankful for? The one you never see coming. That falls right into your lap. XOXO —Gossip Girl.

The Debarted

Gossip Girl: They say there are no accidents. Sometimes reality comes crashing into us. Other times it dawns on us slowly, despite our best efforts to ignore it.

Gossip Girl: We make our own fortunes. And then call them fate. And what better excuse to choose a path than to insist it’s our destiny. But at the end of the day, we all have to live with our choices. No matter who’s looking over our shoulder.

Gossip Girl: Looks like the love nest has become a hornet’s nest. And here comes Nate to stir it up.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: The fall of a politician. And the rise of a hero. Poor Congressman. You’ve just been vetoed.

Gossip Girl: Sinatra sings “New York, New York, it’s a hell of a town.” But on the Upper East Side sometimes it just feels like hell. Even where we’re sure we’ve earned that happy ending, it doesn’t always come. Second thoughts creep in. Secret missions sneak out. And only Sleeping Beauty finds her prince. In this city nothing’s for certain. The night can push you forward into a dark future. Or plunge you into a mysterious past.

The Hurt Locket

Gossip Girl: It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Seems Dickens knew something about life on the Upper East Side. Where the only thing you can count on is that time changes everything. Word has it S. gave up on politics to focus on issues closer to her heart.

Gossip Girl: With enough time, we all find what we’re looking for. Even if it was there all along. And when time slows and suddenly every moment counts, all you want is for this time to last forever.

Gossip Girl: Heure, hora, [laat?]. No matter what language you say it in, looks like S. just started the clock on a ticking time bomb.

Gossip Girl: So much for diplomacy. Let the international games begin.

Gossip Girl: Sometimes, despite the risk, the only thing to do is seize the moment. Or whatever else you can grab.

Gossip Girl: Could there be a secret even B can’t crack? Only time will tell.

Gossip Girl: With enough time eventually we all see what was right in front of us. And realize no matter how long it took, it was worth the wait.

Gossip Girl: But for some, that time never comes. Instead of healing old wounds, the wait just open new ones. Time after time. XOXO — Gossip Girl

The Lady Vanished

Gossip Girl: Get up and go at it, Upper East Side. I hear Little J is having foreign relations with a handsome attaché. We always knew she had friends in high places, but how low will she go?

Gossip Girl: And just like that, we get the mother of all questions.

Gossip Girl: Careful S. You may think you know what’s best. But this time you might just be pushing your Chuck.

Gossip Girl: Watch your step, Little J. Damien may be your drug of choice, but this looks like bad medicine.

Gossip Girl: Well S. Looks like Chuck’s mom isn’t the only one with baggage.

Gossip Girl:There comes a time when every father learns you can’t keep a bad girl down.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Chuck Bass breaking bread with his mother. Looks like our Little Boy Lost is finally found. For now at least. XOXO —Gossip Girl

The Sixteen-Year-Old Virgin

Gossip Girl: From the day he brings his newborn girl home, a father lives in fear that someday she’ll get hurt. That someday she’ll hate him. And worst of all, that someday she’ll grow up.

Gossip Girl: There’s always a moment a father can’t let himself fear. The day his little J decides to lose her big V.

Gossip Girl: Uh oh. Looks like this Virgin Queen’s next accessory will be a chastity belt.

Gossip Girl: Looks like the protestors outside aren’t the only ones who think Bass is an ass.

Gossip Girl: Looks like Little J is about to do some dirty dancing of her own.

Gossip Girl: And just like that: Chuck Bass celebrating a new love.

Gossip Girl: Careful, Chuck. It’s an open heart that’s vulnerable to the deepest wound. XOXO —Gossip Girl

The Empire Strikes Jack

Gossip Girl: They say the clothes make the man. But who makes the clothes? On the Upper East Side, it’s Eleanor Waldorf. And we hear her new line is to die for.

Gossip Girl: We hear Chuck’s hotel is hanging on by a thread. And Jack’s pulling all the strings.

Gossip Girl: Careful J. The show’s about to start. And it looks like Eleanor’s line is going to bring a whole new meaning to high fashion.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Little J passing out in a taxi. Uh oh. Looks like somebody better call the fashion police.

Gossip Girl: It seems chivalry isn’t dead after all. Lucky for this damsel in a dress, something’s never go out of fashion.

Gossip Girl: If you are what you wear, you better dress the part you want. A few lucky ladies can do no wrong. Their looks: perfection. And they’ve got accessories to match. But most girls get tired of the same old look. And they’ll do anything to get the hot new piece on their arm. And then there are those with no vision of their own. Thieves of fashion who will steal the shirt off your back. And always remember, appearances can be deceiving. But whatever you wear, always dress to kill. XOXO —Gossip Girl

Inglourious Bassterds

Gossip Girl: Every war has its weapons. But on the Upper East Side the rules of battle are simple: there are no rules.

Gossip Girl: Careful, B. Jack Bass’ weapon of choice comes fully loaded. And if he hits his target there’ll be at least two victims.

Gossip Girl: Attention Upper East Siders: Nate Archibald is MIA. Send tips and pics ASAP. Help Serena find her man.

Gossip Girl: Careful B, don’t forget your first rule of battle: beware of Basses bearing gifts.

Gossip Girl: Uh oh, S. Looks like Little J’s knives are sharpened. And she’s ready to use them in the battle for Nate Archibald.

Gossip Girl: When the battle ends and weapons are put away, new strategies take shape. Soldiers decide to fend for themselves. New alliances are made. But there are casualties.

Gossip Girl: In matters of love and war, all weapons cause injury. The questions is, who will live to fight another day? XOXO — Gossip Girl

The Unblairable Lightness of Being

Gossip Girl: Up and at ’em, Upper East Siders. It’s time to awake from our slumber and learn the hard truth. That some nightmares don’t end once we open our eyes.

Gossip Girl: Poor B just realized that Chuck will do anything to keep the flame alive.
 Carter: Hello Beautiful. Glad you came.
Gossip Girl: As for Serena, looks like she’s playing with fire.

Gossip Girl: Surprise, S. A special delivery courtesy of Little J. I guess good things don’t always come in small packages.

Gossip Girl: Looks like Lily’s caught in a lie. Guess it’s the truth that’s getting massaged.

Gossip Girl: Poor Chuck. Looks like he’s got a runaway bridesmaid on his hands.

Gossip Girl: Goodbye Baizen. Hello Palm Beach. With Carter out of the picture, it looks like Serena’s making room for Daddy.

Gossip Girl: While most people think it’s our brain that controls our actions, it’s often our heart that gets the biggest workout. It can make us do the craziest of things. But it can also let us take a chance on new adventures. Because when we open our heart we can explore a world of love. And be pleasantly surprised by the people already in our life. But unfortunately our hearts are very sensitive. And when they’re broken everything around us is shattered. Total eclipse of the heart. XOXO —Gossip Girl.

Dr. Estrangeloved

Gossip Girl: On the Upper East Side, new days don’t always bring new beginnings. But they almost always bring new surprises.

Gossip Girl: Paging Serena van der Woodsen. After a lifetime in the Daddy waiting room, looks like the doctor is finally in.

Gossip Girl: Prep the OR, kiddies. Looks like Jenny Humphrey is scrubbing up to surgically remove a boyfriend.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Nate Archibald suffering from a broken heart. Too bad he doesn’t know Jenny’s oath is less hippocratic and more hypocrite.

Gossip Girl: In case you’ve never heard one before, that’s the sound of a relationship flatlining.

Gossip Girl: To revive a struggling relationship, there comes a point when we must stop protecting what we have—
Serena: The reason I couldn’t talk to you early, it’s not about my dad. It’s about my mom. She’s sick. And I don’t know what’s going to happen.
Gossip Girl: —to allow for what we truly need.
Moving forward can mean reaching out, reaching back, or reaching balance.

Lily: Thank you, Rufus. I know William being back is hard for you.
Rufus: All that matters is you getting better.
Gossip Girl: And while new journeys can start with a single step, they can end just as quickly with a single misstep.
Dan: Hey Vanessa, it’s me. Listen, I just read your play. And it’s amazing. I’m so so sorry. Please call me.
Gossip Girl: And when even the healthiest relationship finds itself on life support, it’s important to remember—
Will: It’s Will. It’s not working exactly as I’d hoped. I need you to write Lily another prescription…. Well you can’t back out now. I need you to make this work. And I doubt the authorities would be pleased to know what you’ve been doing.
Gossip Girl: —on the Upper East Side,
sometimes the wrong prescription is just what the doctor ordered. XOXO —Gossip Girl.

It’s a Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad World

Gossip Girl: It’s said that we’re all strapped to Fortune’s wheel. Nowhere is this truer than the ever-changing landscape of love. As one couple enjoys an upswing, another is plunged downwards. But top or bottom, don’t get too comfortable. Because the one thing you can rely on is that the wheel will keep on turning.

Gossip Girl: Better watch out, Humphreys. They say love makes a family. But on the Upper East Side, everyone knows it’s real estate.

Gossip Girl: We hear Blair Waldorf’s headed for a comeback. But if she wants to keep her friends happy, she better keep serving up the hits.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: B, claiming to be a co-ed at Columbia. When everyone knows she’s a zero at NYU. Poor B, first she lost Chuck and now her dignity.

Gossip Girl: You make your bed, you lie in it B. Too bad yours is in the East Village.

Gossip Girl: Ah! Serena finally has the perfect relationship with her daddy. But will her dream-come-true be Rufus’ worst nightmare?

Gossip Girl: My oh my, did Dr. van der Woodsen just make a public pass at Rufus’ wife? Looks like this doctor without borders needs a few boundaries.

Gossip Girl: Listen carefully, S. Holland has a story to tell. Apparently her upstairs neighbor has been coming downstairs.

Gossip Girl: They say that family are the people that will always take you in, but if instead they shut the door? Or even worse, let someone else take your place. What do you say, Serena? Who’s your daddy? XOXO —Gossip Girl

Ex-Husbands and Wives

Gossip Girl: New day, new designer. Whether it’s love or war you’re outfitting for, thank god for friends and fashion.

Holland: I don’t know what you want me to say.
Rufus: Well Serena’s under the impression that you know something about something I did.
Holland: I shouldn’t be here.
Rufus: Go on. I have nothing to hide from my family. Please tell them the truth.
Holland: Rufus and I slept together.
GG: Talk about love thy neighbor.
Rufus: What?
Holland: I’m sorry.
Next time, Rufus, choose one who knows how to keep a secret.

Gossip Girl: You better hope this doctor gets healed before someone else gets hurt.

Gossip Girl: Watch out, Lonely Boy. Seems your little sister has her own ideas about your family’s planning.

Gossip Girl: In this family feud, that’s van der Woodsen: 1. Humphrey: 0.

Gossip Girl: When the family tree falls, we all need a family friend to lead us out of the woods. Or into them.

Gossip Girl: But careful, once darkness descends true natures emerge and everything is fair game. Until morning. XOXO —Gossip Girl

Last Tango, Then Paris

Gossip Girl: You reap what you sow. What goes around comes around. No matter how far you run, you can never truly escape. Everything catches up to you in the end. And when it does, it usually kicks your ass.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: A family reunion only Faulkner would approve of. I used to think that S and Lonely Boy were the most boring couple on the Upper East Side. But what makes them actually great together, is when they’re supposed to be with other people.

Gossip Girl: Good luck talking your way out of this one, S.

Gossip Girl: Spotted atop the Empire. State Building, that is. A boy billionaire, flowers in hand. Oh Chuck, if you could only see to Brooklyn. You might turn that frown upside down.
Dorota: My water broke!
Then again, maybe you should guard your heart. Dorota’s water might not be the only thing breaking tonight.

Gossip Girl: And all in an instant, everything changes. We leave the past behind and speed toward the unknown. Our future. We set out for far away places and try to find our self. Or try to lose ourselves. Exploring pleasures closer to home. The problems start when we refuse to let change happen, and cling to old habits. But if we hold on to the past too tight, the future may never come. ‘Til death do us part. XOXO —Gossip Girl.