Gossip Girl Eric van der Woodsen

Season 4

2010.09.13    

Connor Paolo

The Undergraduates

Eric about the absence of Gossip Girl: Still nothing.
Serena: Good. I forgot how exciting the first day of school can be. New fall wardrobe, fresh slate. The fact that Gossip Girl isn’t around to stir up trouble only makes it that much more perfect.
Eric: Or she could be planning something big for your first day. After all the site says Under Construction, not Out of Service.

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Easy J

Dan: Okay, so what’s really going on?
Jenny: Well Blair stopped by with her Welcome Wagon. I don’t know why I thought I could sneak back in for a day, but…
Eric: How did she know you were here before I did?
Jenny: She’s the Wicked Witch of the Upper East Side. I’m sure one of her monkeys spotted me getting off the train or something. But it’s fine. She’s giving me a day pass as long as I don’t see or talk to anyone.
Dan: That’s ridiculous.
Jenny: Yes. It is 100% Vintage Crazy-ass Blair. But really, though. I mean I have no interest in going back to being GI Jenny and warring with Blair.
Eric: How very Gandhi of you.

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War at the Roses

Dan: Hey, how would you and Lily feel about celebrating with a nice family road trip?
Rufus: Actually we decided to order in tonight. Just have a quiet evening alone.
Dan: I thought you said it was really important to celebrate with the whole family.
Rufus: We did but Jenny has a big test she has to study for, can’t make it back to the city, and it doesn’t feel right having a family celebration without her.
Eric: I know the first wedding anniversary’s supposed to be paper but that’s not really an excuse to eat out of cartons.

Dan: What class has a test on a Saturday?
Eric: That would be Fear of Chuck and Blair 101.
Dan: You know after the year we’ve had, I think it would mean a lot to my dad and Lily to get the family together. There’s gotta be a way that we can get Jenny to come in, right?
Eric: Maybe Chuck could help.
Dan: Right. Like he did last time?
Eric: He loves my mom. And as long as Chuck and Blair are at war he’s on our side.

Eric: Its genius is in its simplicity.
Dan: We break the truce, drive a wedge between them. And once the peace is off Chuck will be primed to help Jenny in retaliation.
Eric: Okay, so what would enrage Chuck Bass? His maybe-mother, his late father— Jack Bass.
Dan: That’s perfect. Gossip Girl will be thrilled to hear about a secret fling with Jack and Blair last summer in the South of France. Or how they’re planning to do it again this Christmas.
Eric: Nice touch. Are you sure we aren’t really related?

Eric: Let’s see how strong the Holy Alliance is after this air strike.

Eric: That’s their biggest secret? I was expecting something a little bit more American Psycho. Not stabbing a homeless man but at least feeding a cat to an ATM.
Dan: A birthday surprise may be in order. I think all it’ll take is a couple of calls.
Eric: Look, Dan. I know we want Jenny to come in for the anniversary but she fought back last week and nearly lost everything she learned. You told her that yourself. Maybe we shouldn’t risk the same.
Dan: No, we should. They deserve it. They’re smug and they are condescending. They have treaties. And we’re doing it for Jenny.
Eric: Dan we tried and it didn’t work. I’m out. I hope you are too.

Dan: Why didn’t you warn me they were coming?
Eric: I didn’t think I needed to. You didn’t actually go through with it, did you? Oh you did.

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The Witches of Bushwick

Serena: Hey, why are you guys eating? I thought we were going to Sarabeth’s.
Eric: Ah, we decided we could spread out better here. There’s more room to work.
Serena: On what, your calculus homework?
Eric: Your love life. It’s a little something called “Dan vs. Nate”. We’re here to help.
Elliot: And we brought protractors.
Serena: A Venn diagram, really? You seriously expect me to make this monumental decision with colored pencils and graph paper?
Eric: Don’t mock. Elliot got an 800 on his math SATs.
Elliot: Mm hm. Probability. Set theory. It’s basically what they do when you join an online dating service.
Serena: Okay, E’s Harmony. I will submit to your method, but just so you know I did choose. I called Dan right after I broke up with Colin and Nate showed up and said some things I couldn’t ignore.
Elliot: And then?
Serena: Well I ignored him, ran up to my room, and haven’t spoken to either since.
Eric: That’s a familiar coping mechanism.

Serena: Great. Now neither of these will work. Should I be a saint or a sinner?
Eric: Dan versus Nate was hard enough. I am not touching Good versus Bad Serena. We’ll see you later.
Elliot: We should go as Bacchus and Sergius.
Eric: Yes we should.

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Gaslit

Eric: Do we have relatives I don’t know about?
Rufus: It’s always a possibility. Your mother wanted to pull out all the stops this year.
Eric: So this is about denial.
Rufus: Have you heard from Serena?
Eric: No, ah, she hasn’t responded to any of my texts. And granted most of them included angry emoticons but I was actually thinking of going over to Blair’s now to talk to her.
Lily: You will do no such thing.
Rufus: Come on Lil. It’s the holidays.
Lily: She dropped out of college, she refuses to return our phone calls. She’s a grown woman throwing temper tantrums just to punish me. When she is ready to take responsibility for her actions we’ll talk. Until then, you know what, I’m done being punished.

Lily walking in: Oh! Blair, Dorota. What are you doing here?
Blair: Just bringing a little tradition. I’m spending the holidays with Daddy and Roman in Paris. I figured since we usually spend this day together that, you know, um… Is Serena here?
We thought she was with you.
Blair: No, I haven’t seen her since Chuck’s party. She never came home.
Eric: Okay, alright. Now I’m worried.
Lily: Charles?
Chuck: She’s not at The Empire.
Lily: Well then where the hell is she?

Eric: We saw you talking to the doctors. How is she?
Blair: When can we see her?
Rufus: The doctor thinks it might be a good idea for Serena to get some help.
Dan: What kind of help?
Eric: Oh my god. They don’t think she did this on purpose, do they?
Lily: No, no one’s saying that.
Blair: But there’s a chance?
Dr. Keller: Have you made a decision?
Lily: No. We need to think.
Dan: Here’s a crazy suggestion: why don’t we ask Serena, see what she wants.

Eric: How you feeling?
Serena: Betrayed. Thanks.
Lily: Serena, I know right now—
Serena: Mom, stop. Your daughter wakes up alone. Drugged. In an empty motel room. And you don’t call the cops, you don’t ask if she’s okay or what happened. You just have her committed. What kind of mother does that?
Lily: The kind of mother who wants her daughter safe.
Serena: Is that what you’re telling yourself—that this is what’s best for me?
Lily: Well Serena this isn’t exactly what’s best for me. You know it would be a lot easier to take you home and act like this never happened. But I’m afraid for you.

Serena: How could you let her do this to me?
Eric: Because I love you. When I was in here, I didn’t want to be. At least not at first.
Serena: I’m not in denial, Eric. I didn’t do this.
Eric: It took me a long time to come to terms with what I did too.

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The Townie

Eric: I know I’ve already said this but I’m really proud of you and so is mom.
Serena: Is that why she’s here to tell me herself? Do I even want to know where she is?
Eric: She and Chuck are meeting with a reporter from The Post this morning. Some profile on Bass Industries.
Serena: Oh, The Post. Because they have such award-winning business coverage.
Eric: Don’t tell me you detect a whiff of eau de damage control?
Serena: Mom’s classic scent. Brings back the fondest memories of childhood.
Eric: I’m way ahead of you there, but when I confronted her about it she didn’t deny it. Bass Industries is a family-run company. And like it or not, what the family does affects what people think about it.
Serena: I know I’ve put her in a tough position. But please promise me that you’ll try to keep her honest about where I am and what’s going on. No stories about Aunt Carols in Miami like when you were here.
Eric: I am on it. Although that Marlins jersey that Bart Bass bought me that year for Christmas would look great on you.

Blair: What do you mean, “no visitors”? I don’t think you realize who were are.
Dan: Who she thinks she is, is more like it. Look, I’m family. I’m Serena’s brother— or, step-brother technically, which I do mostly try to put out
of my mind seeing as we dated pretty seriously—
Blair: Humphrey, they treat people in here for less serious complexes than that. Do you want to get committed? I’ll just call her. I’m sure that we’re on her list.
Eric: There is no list. And her phone is locked away in a drawer somewhere. Look, Serena’s doctor recommended that she start her treatment with 72 hours no contact. That includes me, my mom and you guys.
Dan: No, but Serena doesn’t need to be here. Juliet was behind everything.
Blair: And we have some questions for her.
Eric: Whatever screwy series of events got her in the front door, she’s here now.
And she’s getting the help she’s probably needed for a long time, so… whatever you’re up to, you need to do it without Serena.

Blair: What’s going on?
Eric: I don’t know, but I feel a little sick inside and not just because I’m looking at him. What, have you come to recruit another virgin to be your drug mule?
Damien: I would say, “Why, are you available?” But I’m leaving. Thanks for the ride into the city.

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The Kids Are Not All Right

Serena: What I want to know is how many times you got your hair done this week while an innocent man sat in prison.
Eric: Serena—
Lily: Contrary to what you might believe, I am handling this in a way that is best for this family, and we’re not going to discuss it anymore.
Serena: Okay. {she gets up.}
Dan: I’m going to make sure she’s okay.
Eric: And… I’m not hungry anymore, so I’ll see you at home.

Lily: Why aren’t you dressed?
Eric: Uh… shirt, pants. Yeah, I’m dressed.
Lily: Look, I know you disapprove of me, but can’t you please do so in a tuxedo?

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Damien Darko

Lily: Where were you last night? And don’t say Elliot’s. I called over there and spoke to his mother.
Eric: I was with a friend.
Lily: Why didn’t you tell that you two me you broke up?
Eric: I didn’t want to share a huge fact from my life. I wonder where I got that gene from.

Jonathan: Are you okay? What’s going on with you and your mother?
Eric: Oh. Now you care. Because you didn’t when you dumped me.
Jonathan: I was angry, and rightly so. But… I’ve always cared and you know that.
Eric: It’s my family and Elliot and… it’s just been a rough few weeks for me. I’ve missed having you in my life.
Jonathan: Well I’m here now. Your mother said you guys were going to some party tonight. Is there any chance you’d want to bring someone to be there for you? Help keep the peace. Make fun of everyone we see.
Eric: Yeah. That sounds perfect.

Rufus: You said you were going to help find Ben an apartment, not pay him to disappear.
Eric: Mom paid someone off again. Well we should make this a drinking game.
Lily: Ben Donovan has information that can ruin this family. What’s wrong with not wanting him around?

Eric: Where’s mom?
Rufus: She’s still licking her wounds. We were all pretty hard on her this afternoon. I never would have come to a party like this without her, but I needed some air.
Eric: Oh, hey. I get it. Being in a room with a selfish manipulator can really suck the life out of you.

Ben: Hey, I know what it feels like when you think you’ve got no one to turn to.
Eric: Who the hell are you?
Ben: I’m Ben. Serena’s—
Eric: Non-rapist but still technically ex-con former teacher. You have taken up a lot of time over the dinner table at our house.
Ben: I’m sure all that drama has been overshadowing what’s going on in everyone else’s life. Especially yours.
Eric: No offense, man. But mind your own business.
Ben: When I got locked up I… befriended some not very good guys. I found out the hard way.
When you do things that betray who you are, it can become very difficult to recognize yourself. I don’t want to see that happen to you.

Rufus: Eric. I just heard that you’ve been hanging out with Damien. Are you doing drugs?
Eric: You know, I could lie and say no, but I bought sleeping pills. And then I needed Adderall to wake back up, but it was a… it was stupid. And I’m done with it.
Rufus: If you need help, I want to make sure you get it.
Eric: I don’t care about the drugs. Damien was just there when no one else would listen.

Damien: Hey. What are you doing right now?
Eric: Sorry Damien. But I’m done with the pills.
Damien: No. That’s not what I meant. You want to hang out? As friends.
Eric: Sure. Why not.
Damien: Good.

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Panic Roommate

Eric: Where’s she going?
Dan: To see Ben.
Eric: That’s not a good idea.
Dan: Tell me about it. What do you mean?
Eric: Contrary to what Rufus and Serena believe, he hasn’t changed. He beat up a friend of mine just last week. We have got to get rid of this guy. Show everybody how dangerous he is.

Eric: I’m sure Ben was a perfectly nice guy when Serena met him. But you lock anybody up for three years.
Dan: And for a crime he didn’t commit.
Eric: I have seen every episode of Oz. That place can change a man.

Eric: So what say we go back to your place, pop in some Call of Duty and celebrate?
Damien: Listen man, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I think we’re pretty much done here.
Eric: I don’t understand. I thought we were friends.
Damien: You’re my client. Former client, actually.
Eric: You were just using me to find where Ben was so you could get rid of him?
Damien: And now he’s gone and so am I. So… see ya.

Rufus: Well I’m sorry I didn’t ask you first. I thought I was doing the right thing.
Eric: Ah, you were. Ben didn’t hit Damien. I did.
Dan: Oh my god.

Rufus: Where have you been?
Eric: I was just getting coffee at Sicaffe. I got you one too.
Rufus: You should know that Dan and Nate are on their way over to Damien’s to look for you.
Eric: Damien ditched me after the party, so the strongest drug I’m on is double Macchiatto. Are we done?
Rufus: No. No. We’re not. Talk to me. Make me understand why you want to spend so much time with a guy like him when you have all your other friends.
Eric: What other friends? I can’t believe I’m going to say this out loud—it sounds so stupid—but I thought Damien got me. You know, we could just hang out together and do nothing. He was there for me.
Rufus: That kind of a guy always is.
Eric: Yeah. Well. Lesson learned. Thank you.

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It-Girl Happened One Night

Eric: Hey, thanks for meeting me.
Dan: I’m surprised my dad and Lily let you out of the house, even for food.
Eric: Oh, well it might have something to do with my volunteering. Or voluntary drug testing. Look, the schnitzel’s on me. I’m sorry about lying last week.
Dan: Oh, thanks. Have you heard from Damien?
Eric: Oh, no, actually. Knowing the ambassador, after you told him he was dealing I’m sure he had him exiled to some very cold, very distant country. You know who else I haven’t heard from though is Jonathan. I knew he probably didn’t want to talk to me again but I thought at least he’d return my call and tell me so.

Eric: I have a hot date with a vehicle filled with hot meals. I would feel sorry for myself except I am delivering food to people too sick to cook.
Dan: Hey, at least it would be original.
Eric: Jonathan was never one for cliches.
Dan: So make the play, man. Go out in a blaze of glory. Or at least a double-parked panel van. Yeah, I really should take my own advice.
Eric: Why? Who do you want to spend Valentine’s Day with?
Dan: Blair. No, it’s not… no no no, It’s not like that. I need her help with something.
Eric: You could be waiting a long time.

Eric: I got more hugs tonight from strangers than my grandma doled out in her entire life.

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While You Weren’t Sleeping

Eric: I wished for chills on my birthday but not thanks to the flu. Well, looks like I’ll be ushering in adulthood with warm tea and flat ginger ale.
Lily: We’ll have to celebrate another time. Ugh, I need to get to this meeting. Get some rest, okay? And I’ll call everyone when I get home and cancel the party.
Rufus: How’s the patient? Do I need to change my breakfast with [Thurston]?
Lily: No. He’s going to be fine. I wish I could say the same about this meeting.
Rufus: Stay strong. I know you’ll do great.

Serena: Don’t even try to tell me you’re on an emergency ibuprofen run.
Eric: I’m not sick.

Eric: I know that they were just trying to help, but Dan and Nate actually made things worse when they went to see Damien’s father.
Ben: How exactly?
Eric: Damien’s got his big coke shipment coming in today from Europe. It’s arriving at the flower market in the fertilizer packs of a hundred pink tulips. And since his dad has people watching his every move, he’s making me be his drug mule.
Serena: What? Why would you do that? What does he have on you?
Eric: On me, nothing. But he knows that mom forged the affidavit about Ben.
Serena: You told him? Eric, you know what would happen if that ever comes out.
Eric: Mom could go to prison. I’m aware. I stupidly thought that Damien was my friend. And I knew he would never want to clear your name.
Ben: You can’t blame yourself. You can’t do this drug deal.
Eric: How else am I supposed to stop him from outing my mom? I did this. I’ve gotta fix it. Great birthday, right?

Serena: These are purple.
Eric: Ugh. And… planty.
Dan: Why are you guys so interested in tulips?
Serena: Well at least no one will get arrested.
Eric: Except for mom when Damien finds out we don’t have his coke.

Lily: What are you doing? Do you realize how gauche it is to open gifts at a party? Before dessert!
Eric: I was just so excited to have an addition to my stock portfolio.

Lily: I’m relieved you’re not going to overdose. But you should have come to me with this.
Eric: I just, I didn’t want to worry you. I wanted to fix my mistake.
Lily: The only mistake was mine. When I forged Serena’s signature.
Serena: Wow. That’s the first time you’ve admitted it was wrong.
Lily: Well it seemed right at the time, but I know it wasn’t. And as much as I appreciate you both trying to protect me, I can’t allow anyone else to pay for what I did.

Serena: Did anyone else see Vanessa or am I having ether flashbacks?
Eric: It’s probably the latter. Although I did notice Blair wearing two different shoes.

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Empire of the Son

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The Kids Stay in the Picture

Eric: Thank you for letting me hide out here. I just needed a time out from my mom and my grandma and my dad and… your dad.
Dan: Oh yeah. I mean, of course. My house is your safe house.
Eric: I’m surprised Serena didn’t call you and ask you to be her back-up.
Dan: She did. But I figured I’d dodge that war. Hey, does William Carlos Williams go under W or C?
Eric: Hm. This is the first time I’ve ever seen you pass up a chance to save Serena. And you’re alphabetizing. What’s up?
Dan: You swear not to tell anyone? Or laugh?
Eric: Ah, I’ll take your secret to my grave, but laughter is an uncontrollable bodily response.
Dan: I kissed Blair Waldorf. {Eric laughs}.
Eric: Wow I didn’t see that coming.
Dan: Yeah, neither did I. I mean, it was just once. And it was weird.
Eric: Oh I would expect so. Yes.
Dan: But weird, good? Like “Wow, that’s weird this is such a god kiss.” Or weird bad, like, you know, just “Wow. Weird.”
Eric: I would… She didn’t give you any indication at the time?
Dan: No. No. She just walked away—stunned, left me standing there in the foyer.
Eric: Mysterious.
Dan: I know, right? I mean, I did what I thought was the polite thing. Called her the next day, It’s been almost a week and I haven’t heard back.
Eric: Wait. Wait, why do you care so much? Do you…do you like her?
Dan: What? No no no. I don’t like her. No, of course not. Not at all. I’m just curious. And you, I mean, she does… she does smell nice.
Eric: Oh, you are ass backwards crushing on Blair Waldorf!

Dan: So get this, I got a call that I’m being included in the modern royalty book.
Eric: Hm. No offense, but why?
Dan: Oh, none taken. ‘Cause that was my first thought also. I guess there’s some coup d’etat section for up-and-comers.
Eric: Oh yeah, that sounds totally made up.

Coordinator: The revised portrait concept is William van der Woodsen and his two children.
Eric: Wait, no. The point was to do this for my mom.
Rufus: I think the point for Will is to always do something for himself.

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Petty in Pink

Serena: Hey Mom. We’re back from our tour of the best pastry shops in Manhattan.
Charlie: I did a Linzer tart taste test.
Eric: I had three espressos and then I picked a fight with a barista.

Eric: Hey! Where are they going with those scones?
Rufus: My guess is Blaine Trump’s. I think your mother may have underestimated the impact of her sentence on her social standing.
Eric: The only thing thicker than blood is the ink on Page Six.

Serena: What about It’s a Wonderful Life? That’ll cheer mom up.
Eric: No. No. She’s in a dark place. She has to work out her issues with The Godfather. Or Taxi Driver.
Rufus: What about Intolerance? That pretty much sums up the situation.

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The Princesses and the Frog

Eric: I recognize that happiness. You sound like Jenny after she found out that one of her minions got a date with a []. Next day, said minion found gum in her hair. What’s going on with you and Blair?
Serena: I may have let Louis’ mother know about him and Blair. But somehow it worked out to her favor. Apparently Louis needs to get married and Blair’s weaseling her way onto a throne of her own unless I stop it.
Eric: Serena, she’s your best friend. I know she crossed sacred territory when she kissed Dan but destroying this for her seems kinda cruel.
Serena: Oh come on. We both know if I kissed Chuck I wouldn’t even be able to be having this conversation right now. And I’m doing Louis a favor anyway. His future is on the line here and Blair is just playing princess.
Eric: So this is all for the benefit of the good people of the principality of Monaco? Come on. Acting like Blair never works for anybody except Blair. And besides, Blair has so many skeletons I highly doubt Louis’ mother is going to find her an acceptable princess-in-training.
Serena: Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I have to go.
Eric: She says sneakily. Oh. Looks like B’s in for some hair gum of her own.

Dan: Dad, why are dressed like the Fonz?
Rufus: It’s my lucky tour jacket.
Dan: I take it lunch with the label went well.
Rufus: Yeah. They want me to have Panic—the name of band, also what’s gripping my insides—over for dinner tomorrow.
Eric: And you want to be the cool rocker guy.
Rufus: Come on, I was the cool rocker guy.
Eric: Yeah, but now the penthouse, the art, the millionaireness wife under house arrest doesn’t exactly scream street cred.

Charlie: Okay, caviar and paté should be out soon. I just need to check one thing with the sommelier.
Eric: Ah, there’s a sommelier! Okay, your Fonzi jacket was a better idea than this.

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The Wrong Goodbye

Eric: You know if school was more like this during the day I think I might have enjoyed it. Thank god my student days are almost over.

Serena: Hey. We need to talk.
Vanessa: We need to talk to you.
Chuck: I need to talk to you.
Nate: Hey, I need to talk to you.
Eric: Okay, woah. Just tell me that no one’s trying to stop a wedding, run a Ponzi scheme, give anybody fake cancer or turn into a justifiably vengeful townie.
Dan: Usually I’m the one trying to get all of you people to listen to me.

Iz: Look who got cute.
Eric: Still gay.
Kati: That means you can dance.

Three weeks later…

Rufus: He’s getting twenty years.
Chuck: Sounds fair. That’s how long he kept the secret.
Lily: Well I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes, I’ll tell you that.
Chuck: What about your shoes? When’s that happening?
Nate: Yeah. What are your plans for the summer, Mrs. Humphrey?
Lily: Well I’m going to be getting very pale. This thing doesn’t come off until the fall. Just in time to send my baby off to college.
Eric: Sarah Lawrence is like fifteen minutes. I don’t really think I need to be sent off. A light breeze could take me there.

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