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Reversals of Fortune
Dan: Our bags are packed, the house is closed up, but the real question remains: now that you’ve spent your whole summer drinking your coffee out of Cece’s china will it taste as good coming out of your Welcome Back Kotter mug at home?
Rufus: Sure it was great out here but I like the real world too. Well I mean since we’ll be at Lily’s it’s the better smelling, better thread count version of the real world but still. Hey, you guys aren’t ready? Serena’s going to be home by six.
Eric: How can she even greet us when she gets here? Isn’t she taking a vow of silence for her month at the ashram?
Dan: I don’t know, that eat-pray-love thing of hers is awesome but I just highly doubt she can keep her mouth shut for a whole month.
Rufus: Even so, it’s time to leave. And I think her month is up.
Dan: Yeah, I need to meet up with Vanessa too, because I think she has something to tell me about how she spent her summer.
Wasn’t she in Europe with Nate?
Serena: What’s that?
Rufus: The money your mother left us for emergencies. Not to boast but we haven’t used a penny of it all summer.
Jenny: Well thank heaven for salaried servants and an account at the beach club, right.
Rufus: Well I’m glad I have the number for City Harvest. This is all a little much.
Dan: A little much? It makes the Four Seasons look like… one season.
Vanessa: Okay, wait. Why do you have a knock off designer wallet? I thought you hated intellectual property theft. Oh, it’s to hold all your hundred dollar bills.
Dan: Do you know how hard it is to break one of those things? I don’t even know why they make them. I’m kidding. Sort of. It’s not a knock off. It’s a graduation present from Lily. As is what’s in it. And you know what, I thought I’d never use it but… have you seen the stitching?
Dan: What— Vanessa? What are you doing here?
Vanessa: Nice suit.
Dan: You couldn’t judge me enough in New York, you had to follow me to another state to do it too?
Blair: Humphrey! C’mon, it’s show time.
Vanessa: If you don’t mind Dan and I are in the middle of something.
Blair: If you don’t mind —or even if you do—Dan’s coming with me.
Dan: I have to go. I’m sorry.
Vanessa: So am I.
Vanessa: I know stuff’s going on with your family so I’m just going to go.
Dan: Okay. Why’d you come here?
Vanessa: Honestly, right now I just don’t know. Maybe people just change. Maybe it’s okay if we grow apart.
Dan: Vanessa, I’m not changing.
Vanessa: You’re at a polo match in a three thousand dollar suit and your name’s in the program. And after I take a bus across the state line to apologize you ditch me for Blair Waldorf and totally disappear.
Dan: Cece set me up with this suit. Alright? And Jenny got a dress too if you’d also like to make her feel bad about it. As for Blair it’s not like we’re shoe shopping or sipping martinis. There’s something going on with Serena.
Vanessa: And what is that?
Dan: I wish I knew. All I do know is that Lily’s mother is very sick and my dad is struggling just to keep it together. Not to mention my family is generally in the middle of a transition. So please—please!—give me a break with the “rich people suck” thing.
Vanessa: I don’t care if you’re rich. Which, you aren’t by the way. Ride in a limo, break a hundred, that’s fine. But if you’re going to be in this world, be yourself in this world. Because I actually like that guy. And I hope he’s the one that turns up at NYU.
Vanessa: Maybe we were a little bit too harsh.
Dan: It’s Georgina.
Vanessa: And you’re Dan.
Dan: And you’re Vanessa. This is a fun game.
Georgina: Okay, this is probably too much, but would you guys wanna have a cup of coffee with me.
Dan: Ah… Georgina, I appreciate that you want a clean slate but I think it would be too much. I’m sorry.
Serena: Hey. Thanks for letting me crash here last night.
Dan: Harboring an Ivy League fugitive? I’m your man. I made you breakfast. And remember, we don’t have any servants here. So if you see anyone besides me call the police.
Blair: Thanks for bringing me Humphrey.
Dan: Yeah well. I would just like to think if I needed it, somebody would do the same for me. Though let’s be honest, we both know it wouldn’t be you. Oh. No headbands in college, okay?
Dan: College is supposed a place where you’re not judged by what you believe or the friends you make. You’re here to make new friends. Start over. Last time I checked I think this party was pretty fun, right? Okay. So, who wants to leave with Blair? silence. Who wants to stay here and drink cheap beer with me?
Georgina: Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.
Dan: Yeah I did. Let’s go get a beer.
The Lost Boy
Blair: I know what this is. And don’t think you can run me out of my own room with a half-naked Dan Humphrey.
Georgina: Fine. Stay. Maybe you’ll learn something.
Dan: No that’s okay. I was just about to hit the trail.
Blair: It just so happens that I was on my way to a very important breakfast. I just stopped by to drop off my books and pick up my mail so feel free to hit the trail all you want. From Serena to Georgina? Quite a fall even for you.
Dan: I just mean that when you do something no one else knows about it’s kind of like you’re not even doing it. But when someone find out about it—
Serena: S: It becomes real.
Vanessa: Well college is a time for experimentation. Psychedelic drugs. Ethnic food.
Serena: Girls who once pretended to be Sarah from Portland.
Dan: So you guys are what?
Vanessa: We are just going to tease you mercilessly.
Serena: If you want to date Georgina then more power to you. I would just check to make sure that there’s not an ice pick under the bed.
Dan: We’re not dating. We are just hanging out.
Serena: One piece of advice: you should make sure she’s knows that. ‘Cause if Georgina likes somebody she will go from zero to crazy before you know it.
Dan: Scott Rosin. He wrote me that after reading my short story in the New Yorker.
Georgina: Fan letter? So he’s kind of like your stalker.
Dan: I guess.
Georgina: How rockstar is that?
Georgina: This is my kind of date.
Dan: Racing to an art auction to confront a possible stalker? Was your last boyfriend Batman?
Georgina: Admit it. You’re having fun.
Dan de Fleurette
Dan: I think I just got dumped. Want to go to a movie or something?
Vanessa: Yeah. A movie sounds great. But you’re going to have to wear a suit.
Rufus Getting Married
Dan: Dad, what are you doing here?
Rufus: I’ve been running.
Dan: You’ve been running? With jeans on? And it didn’t chafe?
Dan: I can’t believe that actually worked.
Serena: I know. I’m a genius. Which doesn’t quite explain why I’ll be spending the day reorganizing Casey’s shoe closet.
Vanessa: I’m not in love with you, you moron. Georgina’s been blackmailing me.
Dan: What? Why? Vanessa, look I’m your best friend. You can tell me. You have to tell me. What does she have on you?
Vanessa: Ugh. She knows that I know… Scott… is your brother.
Dan: Wow. I wondered what happened to Poppy. I had no idea it was so easy to get someone deported. That’s so thoughtful. That’s so… Georgina. You know, I really missed you while you were away.
Georgina: You did? I heard you were seeing someone.
Dan: I was. But it turned out she was dating Orlando Bloom behind my back. Can you believe that?
Georgina: No. It is amazing how down that guy’s Star-O-Meter has gone.
Scott: Sorry for not telling you who I was.
Dan: You know, I should have guessed. No one under 40 has ever shown that much interest in Lincoln Hawk.
Enough About Eve
Dan: We just started dating. Isn’t it a little soon for “Meet the Parents”?
Vanessa: Not for Olivia. She seems really easygoing and into you.
Jenny: Yeah. Seriously Dan. Play the parent card. People like you more when they meet your family.
Dan: I love it. You know cobalt’s my favorite color.
Olivia: Push the button. (“It’s 11:45. Your hair is so pleasing!”) It’s a compliment watch. It flatters in three different languages.
Dan: Oh my god. This is the greatest watch in the history of all watches. The Swiss should be ashamed for not thinking of it first.
Olivia: So what are you gonna do this weekend to thank me?
Dan: You know, actually, about that. I was thinking I would invite you to the Parent-Freshman Dinner with me and my parents. I know you’re probably exhausted—
Olivia: I would love to.
Dan: Really? Are you sure? ‘Cause you heard the part about my parents right?
Olivia: Dan. The last three guys I dated, I met their agent, their manager, their publicist, a personal trainer who also read tarot cards and I never met a single one of their parents. I would love to meet yours.
How to Succeed In Bassness
Dan: So you really think the sight of Olivia in fake fangs reciting stilted dialogue is going to be a deal breaker, don’t you?
Nate: Oh the dialogue is awesome. It’s the part without the talking that’s the problem.
Dan: I think I can handle some PG-13 bloodsucking. C’mon.
Nate: Seriously, I mean do you not get internet here in Brooklyn? Okay, Patrick Roberts who plays her vampire co-star was her boyfriend the whole time they were shooting this. All the blogs said they got really into it and started doing it for real. Like, sex scene on the cutting room floor real.
Dan: I think the most disturbing part in all of this is you’ve been reading Endless Nights blogs.
Nate: Okay, that’s— I know you think you’re okay with it. But you don’t want to watch your girlfriend with another guy. I mean comparing looks… and noises…
Dan: No, see that’s the problem with your theory. I have no idea if she makes noises yet. We haven’t gotten to the noises stage.
Dan: Is her acting this good in the rest of the movie? I mean just look at the way she’s looking at him. That’s love. That’s definitely love. And lust. And… gratitude—
Nate: Dude, it’s an orgasm.
Olivia: Wow. Looks like you’re feeling a lot better.
Dan: Yeah, it was just one of those 24 hour things. Just kind of weird.
Olivia: Dan, if this is about that cookie jar photo. If you’re not ready I totally understand.
Dan: Ready. No, I’m—I love that picture of you. It’s so flattering. And who can resist free gifts in shiny wrappers?
The Grandfather: Part II
Dan: Listen, as much as I enjoy my current girlfriend talking to my ex-girlfriend about her fake boyfriend who is also my current girlfriend’s ex…
Dan: Hey, where’s the Scrabble dictionary? to himself: I swear squick is a word.
They Shoot Humphreys, Don’t They?
The Last Days of Disco Stick
Nate: A threesome?
Dan: Oh yeah. Just me, Olivia, Vanessa, two girls, four boobs, one Dan Humphrey.
Dan: How awesome am I?
Nate: How stupid can you be?
Nate: Buddy. Okay, I know things. I’ve been to Europe. Chuck Bass is my best friend. Alright, the third person is supposed to be a stranger.
Dan: The fact that it was Vanessa is what made it so fun.
Nate: Okay, the problem is that during a threesome there’s always a twosome and a onesome going on.
Dan: You know what? The onesome was not so bad.
Nate: Okay, you may have enjoyed the show. But let’s face it Vanessa is very vocal. It couldn’t have been easy for Olivia to hear all that.
Dan: You know what, Olivia was fine. We talked the next morning. And so was Vanessa. I mean I haven’t really seen her much, but I’m sure she is. Why are you being such a buzzkill?
Nate: Because you’re lucky to have both of them in your life.
Dan: Okay, man. So get this: I have plans with Vanessa tonight but then Olivia signed me up to do this cabaret thing with her. And Blair.
Nate: Oh yeah. It’s post-threesome stage one. Wherein one, if not both girls, try to prove to the other who you belong to.
Dan: Alright, so what do I do?
Nate: Well you have to prove to Olivia that you and Vanessa are still friends. Despite the fact that you’ve seen each other’s business.
Dan: You know what, the disco stick tends to be an unreliable mode of transportation. It breaks down. A lot.
Dan: Platinum Record on the wall / It’s me now who have it all.
Just as long as true love’s kiss / Doesn’t wake this coked-up miss.
The Treasure of Serena Madre
Vanessa: Then she starts lecturing the poor cashier that Thanksgiving is nothing more than a corporate agenda of the Food Industry masquerading as family sentiment.
Dan: That reminds me: if my dad asks, we followed his recipe for homemade pie crust to the letter.
Cece: Hello Daniel.
Dan: You’re looking well, Cece.
Cece: I am, aren’t I?
Vanessa: Why does my mom have to stick her nose in everyone’s business?
Dan: C’mon, Cece’s heart pumps secrets and gin. It’s not your mom’s fault.
Dan: Olivia called it. And I was too stupid or too stubborn to realize she was right about Vanessa. And now my window’s closed. She all off into this Paul Hoffman guy.
Nate: Dan, do you really think if you went toe-to-toe with Paul Hoffman that you couldn’t take him down? You’re using him as an excuse.
Dan: No, he’s a handsome guy, he’s a sophomore. He and Vanessa have a lot in common.
Nate: He’s a douche. Listen, you have two options here: you could man up, go to war and fight for the girl you love. Or just forget her and move on to a palette cleanser.
Dan: So you’re saying my only choices are extreme emotional vulnerability with a good friend. Or meaningless sex with a stranger.
Nate: Yeah. Pretty much.
The Hurt Locket
Nate: Hey. Wha? I’m not that late.
Dan: I’m sorry, man. I was just hoping you were Vanessa.
Nate: Oh, you invited Vanessa here too?
Dan: No. Not exactly. But she does spend a lot of time here.
Nate: I take it that means you still haven’t talked to her.
Dan: Or gotten a text. Or seen her. It’s my fault—I moved too fast, you know? I read like five self-help blogs about how to turn friends into lovers. Yes they use that word. I was a little down at my mom’s place.
Blair: Oh. Looks like my advice went the way of the clog.
Serena: What are you talking about?
Blair: The clog? An ugly wooden show that tried to make a statement and then disappeared. Just like your resolve to take things slow with Nate.
Dan: I dated Serena for over a year. And if you want to make things work you’re going to have to be able come up for air. Which is really not her favorite thing to do.
Lily: Oh, hello Daniel.
Dan: What are you doing in Brooklyn?
Lily: Uh. I was hoping your father would be here.
Dan: He was supposed to be back this morning. Can’t imagine he’d come here before going to see you.
Lily: Well I just figured since he hadn’t seen you over the holidays. You know how sentimental he is.
Lily: Well you know what? Maybe he decided to stay and ski another day.
Dan: Oh yeah, I don’t think that’s what happened.
Lily: Well. I should go. If you see him, tell him I stopped by.
Rufus: I thought you’d be at school by now.
Dan: I thought you lived on the Upper East Side with your wife.
Rufus: I’m not willing to explain myself, Dan.
Dan: Alright fine. You can make your own damn waffles.
Rufus: C’mon, Dan.
Dan: Listen, you’re the one who’s always saying to be honest and talk about things, so… I really hope you’re not going to let your marriage die because you’re scared to take your own advice.
The Lady Vanished
Melissa: So how long have you and Vanessa known each other?
Dan: Oh, we’ve been best friends since we were kids.
Melissa: I was actually talking to Paul.
The Sixteen-Year-Old Virgin
Dan: You know, Dad, I think every girl goes through a forbidden guy phase. It explains why vampires are so popular right now.
Dan: I think maybe we need to set some guidelines.
Dan: Well you know, zones where we’re friends only, zones where we’re friends with benefits.
The Empire Strikes Jack
Rufus: Son, I have to tell you. This date is a disaster. What’s going on?
Dan: She has this idea that we’re stuck in a rut, and she’s trying to break us out of it.
Rufus: A rut? You just started dating.
Dan: I know.
Rufus: Look, the two of you just need to talk this through. She’s Vanessa, you’re Dan. You guys are best friends.
Rufus: Did she just leave?
Dan: Mm hm.
Dan: The application for the Tisch writing program is due in two days. I just, I need to bear down and finish my one-act.
Vanessa: Is this the same one-act that you were ninety-five percent done with last week but didn’t want to show me until it was a hundred percent done?
The Unblairable Lightness of Being
Dan: Hey. You okay?
Blair: No. I’m not. Why do you even care? You’ve always thought the worst of Chuck and me. You think we’re horrible. Depraved. Soulless.
Dan: I may have used all of those words at one point or another, but… I’m sorry, I’m not following. What’s going on? Did Chuck do something?
Blair: No, it’s not just what he did. It’s what I did. This whole time I was blaming him but it was me too. I’ve become the person you always thought I was.
Dan: Look Blair, you’re not— I don’t think you’re that bad of a person. Maybe not my type but you’re not terrible. And whatever it is that happened between you and Chuck I’m sure you can fix it. Because if there’s a pair meant for one another, it’s you two.
Blair: You’re absolutely right. Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. Who else could love me after what I’ve become. Thank you for helping me see, Humphrey. Your ice is melting.
Dan: Just to clarify: I do think you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy.
Blair: Well coming as it does from someone who dates Vanessa Abrams, it means very little to me. But still. Thank you, Humphrey.
Dan: “We regret to inform you that, due to the high volume of applicants to the Dramatic Writing Program at the Tisch School for the Arts, we have decided to crush your dreams with this form letter.” Apparently there was only one spot for transfer students and I didn’t get it.
Vanessa: This is… really terrible.
Dan: Vanessa, it’s okay. I mean, it sucks yeah, but I’ll survive.
Vanessa: No it’s not that. It’s just… it as me. I um, I got the spot.
Vanessa: I should have told you I was applying for Dramatic Writing as well as Film and TV. I honestly didn’t think I had a shot. It was only after I wrote that short that I started thinking how great would it be if we both got in.
Dan: So you got the spot?
Vanessa: I would have never applied if I’d known they were only taking one transfer from NYU.
Dan: You got it. Wow. Wow. Well, I mean, congratulations. No seriously. Seriously. If it wasn’t going to be me, I’m glad it was you.
Vanessa: You are?
Dan: Yeah sure. And they also wished me success in my future endeavors. So it wasn’t a total loss.
Dan: Jenny. Please tell me what you’re doing here starting with “Dad knows” and ending with “these drinks are not for me.”
Dan: Look, I don’t know what WIlla told you but keep in mind she carries around lighter fluid.
Vanessa: You told her that my Tisch sample was adapted from your story.
Dan: It slipped out. But you wrote an original piece, you don’t have anything to worry about.
Vanessa: You mean because Willa’s going to call her father and straighten it out with the dean? Thanks, Dan. You really made sure I was off to a great start.
Dan: You’re not— you’re not being fair. That was not my fault.
Vanessa: I asked you if you were okay with me getting in. Why weren’t you honest with me?
Dan: Like you were honest with me—going behind my back to apply for the one thing I wanted more than anything?
Vanessa: I explained that.
Dan: No! No, you justified that. You said yourself that if you knew there’d only be one spot you wouldn’t have applied.
Vanessa: What are, what are you saying? You want me to withdraw my application?
Dan: No. No. Of course not. But what were you expecting my reaction to be?
Vanessa: I, um, I don’t know. Not this.
Gossip Girl: And while new journeys can start with a single step, they can end just as quickly with a single misstep.
Dan: Hey Vanessa, it’s me. Listen, I just read your play. And it’s amazing. I’m so so sorry. Please call me.
It’s a Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad World
Dan: Did you apply for a documentary internship in Haiti?
Vanessa: Yeah. The producer just called. I got the job.
Dan: When were you planning on telling me about this?
Vanessa: This morning. And then you put internships on the “Do not discuss” list and I panicked.
Dan: Why? This is not about competing for something. This is about our relationship.
Vanessa: But both of those have been so tied up in each other. And this job is a huge deal for me, Dan.
Dan: You can’t pretend like you going away for three months is not going to affect us.
Vanessa: I think I didn’t want to face that. It was just so much easier when we were just friends and we could talk about things.
Dan: Alright. So is that what you want, then? You wanna go back to just friends.
Vanessa: I don’t know.
Ex-Husbands and Wives
Dan: Thanks for coming with me, man. It means a lot, you getting involved.
Nate: Oh hey, my dad would have done this and worse. Alright? And no matter what Serena wants to believe, there’s no way Rufus would hurt Lily like that.
Dan: Does Serena know you’re doing this?
Nate: I was thinking we’d see what we find out before I tell her.
Dan: You’re on dangerous ground there.
Nate: Yeah, but the only way to clean up this mess—for everyone—is to find out the truth.
Dan: I know. That’s why we need the help of an expert.
Blair: Did Chuck send you? His pill plan didn’t work so he sent Frik and Frak to ruin my date?
Dan: No, Blair, this is about my dad and Lily. This woman Holland has accused him of cheating.
Dan: Maybe I’m stating the obvious here, but shouldn’t we just tell Lily?
Chuck: Tell her what? “Jenny tried to sell your mislabeled meds which came from the woman who said she slept with your husband”?
Blair: We have to get to Holland first. She’s the one who can connect all the dots. And then we go to Lily.
Blair: What I’d like to know is how did William know to get out of town. Someone must have tipped him off.
Chuck: It had to be one of us.
Jenny: It was me.
Dan: What happened?
Serena: It’s true. He left.
Last Tango, Then Paris
Blair: I’m in luck! smacks Dan Two smackdowns for the price of none.
Dan: What the hell are you doing?
Blair: Don’t screw up Nate and Serena.
Dan: Nothing happened.
Blair: So said Serena. But I’m thinking she left a little something out.
One week later…
Georgina: Hi Dan.
Dan: Georgina, what are you doing back in town?
Georgina: Looking for you actually. I have something of yours.
Dan: What? I don’t remember giving you anything.
Georgina: Well. You gave me this.
Georgina: Congratulations, Daddy! He looks just like you.