Vanessa: Your dad called me because he couldn’t reach you. I told him to call Serena because I assumed she’d be with you. Because what other reason could there possibly be that you haven’t called or emailed me all summer. Or making me have this conversation in the doorway.
Dan: Vanessa, I’m so sorry about that, but there is a reason.
Vanessa: Is it because you’ve become a hoarder?
Vanessa: What other possible reason could there be in the God-I-Don’t-Believe-In’s Universe for Georgina Sparks to be leaving lingerie around your house?
Dan: Meet Milo. He’s our son.
Dan: Do you know how difficult it is to keep a baby alive? You can’t drop it, you can’t leave it alone. It has to eat like every three hours. If I don’t know what hit me here, how am I supposed to tell my dad?
Vanessa: I have to ask, as will Rufus: are you sure Milo’s yours?
Dan: Of course he is. I mean I’m pretty…. I’m pretty sure.
Vanessa: You didn’t have a paternity test?
Dan: I’ve been waiting for the crazy shoe to drop but it never did. I mean, she’s been great with Milo.
Vanessa: Dan, we’re talking about Georgina Sparks. Her hair lies. You can’t trust one thing that comes out of her mouth. Let alone anywhere else.
Dan to the tune of This Land is Your Land: This loft is your loft, this loft is my loft. Where’s your Aunt Jenny, she moved to Hudson. She wears— leggings…
Nate: Wow. I did not need to see or…. hear that.
Juliet: Vanessa, you’re amazing with him.
Dan: Yeah, she’s a serious Baby Whisperer.
Nate: I’m sorry.
Dan: I know.
Nate: Truth is, I don’t even know how I feel about Serena. I just, I want a clear shot at finding out without —
Dan: You don’t have to say it.
Nate: Yeah. How do you feel about her?
Dan: I was in the middle of trying to figure that out when I was interrupted by the arrival of Georgina’s swollen belly. It was kind of hard to focus after that.
Nate: I’ll take your word for it.
Dan: Now whatever’s happened in the past, right here, right now, I want to be with you.
Serena: Mom! Hey!
Lily: Serena. Darling, what are you doing here?
Serena: Larissa told me where you were. I came straight from the airport.
Lily: Well we have a surprise for you.
Serena: Great. But first I want to find Dan and Nate.
Dan: Find me? I’m right here.
Serena: Dan! And Vanessa! Hey…
Nate: Hey Serena.
Juliet: Hi. Nice to meet you.
Rufus: Hey Serena.
Serena: Rufus and… baby?
Dan: This is Milo. He’s my son.
Vanessa: You saw me four months ago. If you thought I was pregnant then I’m offended.
Serena: Okay, is someone gonna help fill me in?
Nate: Not it.
Dan: Yeah, I will explain everything. Just sit down, I gotta get him a bottle.
Vanessa: And the only thing we know about Georgina’s whereabouts is that she’s in St. Barts.
Dan: I called every resort I could find. There is no Georgina Sparks staying at any of them. She could have moved to a different island by now, she could be staying under a different name, I don’t know, but she took everything, Vanessa. She took her passport. She’s gone. She left Milo and I don’t think she’s coming back.
Vanessa: If Ted Danson and Tom Selleck can do it, so can we. Right?
Dan: As long as it doesn’t make me Guttenberg.
Dan: Well you don’t really have the Humphrey jaw, but my name’s on your birth certificate. So I’m gonna be your dad. Vanessa’s going to be here. Which means you’ll probably be the only kid in preschool who’s seen The Battleship Potemkin more times than Finding Nemo.
Dan: I’m truly glad that you’ve gotten your priorities straightened out here, but there is no way that I’m letting you take this child.
Georgina: I’m sorry Dan, but it’s not your choice. He’s not your son.
Dan: Your pancakes are burning. Why did you bring out four plates?
Vanessa: Don’t be mad but this has been going on for too long so I had to call for backup.
Dan: I’m fine.
Vanessa: Dan, you’ve been sleeping all day, cutting class. I caught you watching Wild Hogs and laughing.
Vanessa: Where are you going?
Dan: I’m going to go to Nate’s. I would have told you sooner but your intervention intervened.
Dan: Well I’m sure you heard that Milo’s not mine. Georgina took him back.
Serena: Yeah, my mom told me. I’m sorry. How do you feel?
Dan: Vanessa and everyone keeps asking me that. Trying to get me to talk about it like it was this crushing blow, but I just got my life back. I want to enjoy it now, you know?
Dan: Not only am I manly and rugged but I have mad browsing skills.
Dan: I think the truth is she’s not convinced that I’m over you. And I’m probably not.
Blair: The woman is a saint! She didn’t recoil from those creepy cat rescuers. Or turn away from those pictures of the starving children. She didn’t even cringe when that homeless man licked her arm.
Dan: Well she might be used to weird guys licking her.
Serena: Yeah, ’cause she may be a saint but she’s also a prostitute.
Rufus: Dan, you need to face what’s really going on here.
Dan: Dad, nothing is going on. Milo’s gone. I don’t need to be an adult anymore. I was just— Can’t I have a fun day with a friend?
Rufus: Not if it involves lying to the woman you’re living with. Dan. Talk to me.
Dan: When Milo was here, every decision I made was for his benefit. But now, I mean, I just wonder if I made all the wrong choices. When Georgina showed up here that day—pregnant—I mean I was about to fly to Paris. I was going to tell Serena that I loved her and that I would do whatever it took to get her back.
Nate: I covered for you! Okay? And I think Vanessa bought it but you know I’m a bad liar. Juliet took her for coffee . What’s going on?
Dan: Um… it’s complicated.
Nate: Does complicated mean you’re cheating on Vanessa?
Nate: Woah woah woah. So now your promises to Blair mean more than your pact with me? Or your relationship with Vanessa?
Dan: Nate, she’s a prostitute.
Dan: I don’t mean in a gold diggerish, “Eva’s into Chuck’s money” kind of way, I mean she’s like got a web page and a price list. But you can’t tell Chuck. Please please please don’t tell Chuck. Blair wants to deal with this on her own.
Nate: Yeah, I bet she does.
Dan: I had fun today. For the first time in a really long time.
Vanessa: Good for you, Dan. I’m glad that Serena’s so fun and I’m sorry that I’m not. That I’m just trying to make you deal with your feelings; with your life.
Dan: Every second of every day.
Vanessa: I’m trying to help you because that’s what adults do in an adult relationship.
Dan: It’s a really weird, embarrassing thing for a college guy to be admitting but ah, losing Milo… broke my heart.
Vanessa: I know. Mine too.
Nate: That’s great you and Vanessa sorted everything out. We should double. Juliet and I are going to this Faculty & Friends mixer tomorrow night at the Hamilton House. You guys wanna come?
Dan: Mm… No.
Nate: There’s free appetizers, Humphrey.
Dan: Oh. Okay. Fine. You wanna go see a movie afterward?
Nate: No can do.
Dan: Oh come on, it doesn’t even have to have subtitles.
Nate: That sounds great. No, Juliet and I have this nice little evening planned after the mixer. Got some nice champagne, new Matteo sheets. And I’m hoping some recently purchased lingerie.
Dan: That’s for her, right? Wait a second, you guys haven’t ah…
Nate: No, I haven’t. I did spend the night at her place but I took a page from the old Humphrey playbook and we just talked and played Scrabble.
Dan: That’s nice. Thanks. By the way, thank you for inviting me today. After everything that’s happened between us—
Nate: Yeah yeah yeah. I missed you too. No hugs. You’re not getting a hug.
Dan: Not one?
Nate: Not one.
Dan: Vanessa, like I told you on the phone I’m sure it’s totally false. And what business is it of yours anyway? You and I both got tested when we first started sleeping together. You remember that? I sure do and I have not been with anyone else since.
Vanessa: Dan, Serena was sleeping in your bed and wearing your t-shirt. If something else happened, I need to know.
Dan: Nothing else happened. What happened to our big talk? ‘Cause honestly I don’t know if I can have the same conversation one more time.
Nate: Thanks for coming with me man.
Dan: No problem. I shouldn’t have told you about the cotton swab thing. That was insensitive. But just think about how happy you’ll be with a clean bill of health tomorrow.
Serena: What the hell are you doing? And you, it’s been what, two years?
Dan: I’m a wingman.
Vanessa: I can explain.
Dan: You took Serena’s phone?
Serena: She thinks we slept together. Wait, you were the one behind the Gossip Girl rumor.
Vanessa: What? No! I know how this looks but I did not send out that email. Juliet did. She’s the one who wanted to steal your cellphone in the first place.
Juliet: Are you kidding me? There’s no way that I’m getting dragged into this. I wasn’t going to say anything, but Vanessa came to me today. She asked me to help her get revenge and I told her no.
Vanessa: That is a lie!
Nate: No it’s not. Juliet told me before the party. She was hoping to talk to Vanessa and calm her down, but… I’m sorry, man.
Dan: Wait, is that why you were so happy earlier and you wanted to get out of here?
Serena: Yeah, with my phone so that she could get rid of the evidence and make sure I was expelled.
Vanessa: I did not do this. After everything we’ve been through I’m asking you to please believe me.
Dan: I don’t know what to believe right now.
Vanessa: Dan it’s really important to me that you know I didn’t start any rumors. Or send out that email.
Dan: I believe you—I think. But it doesn’t change the fact that you didn’t believe me.
Vanessa: I know that now. It’s just too bad that it took losing you to figure out.
Dan: Hey man, what are you doing up so early?
Nate: Oh just visiting my dad. Thought I’d check in. You okay?
Dan: Yeah, well Vanessa went to stay with her folks for awhile.
Nate: Sorry man. Probably for the best though, right?
Dan: Yeah I suppose. I guess part of her just believes that I’ll always be in love with Serena no matter what I say.
Nate: Yeah. Crazy.
Dan: Okay, so what’s really going on?
Jenny: Well Blair stopped by with her Welcome Wagon. I don’t know why I thought I could sneak back in for a day, but…
Eric: How did she know you were here before I did?
Jenny: She’s the Wicked Witch of the Upper East Side. I’m sure one of her monkeys spotted me getting off the train or something. But it’s fine. She’s giving me a day pass as long as I don’t see or talk to anyone.
Dan: That’s ridiculous.
Jenny: Yes. It is 100% Vintage Crazy-ass Blair. But really, though. I mean I have no interest in going back to being GI Jenny and warring with Blair.
Eric: How very Gandhi of you.
Dan: But in case Eastern philosophy does fail you, how about I meet you downtown after my class and I can escort you back up here.
Jenny: Thanks. But really the only person I have to worry about today is Tim Gunn.
Chuck: Before you say anything I’m only calling because I saw Gossip Girl. I wondered if I might be able to offer some assistance.
Dan: Well unless it’s a murder-suicide I think I’ll pass.
Chuck: So dramatic. You should be a writer.
Dan: So much for Zen Jenny Humphrey.
Jenny: Come on, Dan. I just did what needed to be done.
Dan: It’s what Blair and Chuck would have done. Jen, I was proud of you for moving on. But if this is what you’ve become after just a day back? Maybe Blair was right after all, and maybe you should go back to Hudson.
Rufus: So you seemed pretty eager to get together this morning.
Dan: What? Your first anniversary’s a big deal. And I figured maybe you could use my help planning, and maybe I needed to get out of the house. Vanessa just got back from the commune.
Rufus: You guys talk?
Dan: Well if saying “hey” and “excuse me” counts as talking. The worst thing is, she tried to get back into campus housing
but, ah, the deadline passed.
Eric: So now you’re roomies with your ex.
Dan: Hey, how would you and Lily feel about celebrating with a nice family road trip?
Rufus: Actually we decided to order in tonight. Just have a quiet evening alone.
Dan: I thought you said it was really important to celebrate with the whole family.
Rufus: We did but Jenny has a big test she has to study for, can’t make it back to the city, and it doesn’t feel right having a family celebration without her.
Eric: I know the first wedding anniversary’s supposed to be paper but that’s not really an excuse to eat out of cartons.
Dan: What class has a test on a Saturday?
Eric: That would be Fear of Chuck and Blair 101.
Dan: You know after the year we’ve had, I think it would mean a lot to my dad and Lily to get the family together. There’s gotta be a way that we can get Jenny to come in, right?
Eric: Maybe Chuck could help.
Dan: Right. Like he did last time?
Eric: He loves my mom. And as long as Chuck and Blair are at war he’s on our side.
Eric: Of course. Chuck and Blair go to war and end up happier than ever. Leaving Jenny and our family in a pile of rubble.
Dan: It figures. Rubble’s their specialty.
Eric: Although. Peace time would be the perfect opportunity for a stealth strike. Oh come on, how good would it feel to finally give them a taste of their own medicine? Not that we’re the ones to give it to them.
Dan: Hold on a second, what’s wrong with us? I mean I’ve picked up a few skills over the years and you come from a long line of world class schemers. We have righteousness and our parents’ anniversary on our side.
Eric: No offense Dan, we are no match for Chuck and Blair.
Dan: Mm. I don’t know about that.
Eric: Its genius is in its simplicity.
Dan: We break the truce, drive a wedge between them. And once the peace is off Chuck will be primed to help Jenny in retaliation.
Eric: Okay, so what would enrage Chuck Bass? His maybe-mother, his late father— Jack Bass.
Dan: That’s perfect. Gossip Girl will be thrilled to hear about a secret fling with Jack and Blair last summer in the South of France. Or how they’re planning to do it again this Christmas.
Dan: Chuck. Hey man, I was just stopping by to see Nate but I guess he’s not here.
Chuck: He’s in his room.
Dan: Oh he is? He’s… not in class? I would have thought—
Chuck: You don’t really know how to stage a run-in, do you? Cut to the chase.
Dan: Well, uh, since Blair betrayed you with your uncle I thought maybe you could betray her back. Call my sister, offer her protection.
Blair: Well you’re just about six months late for that, aren’t you Humphrey?
Eric: That’s their biggest secret? I was expecting something a little bit more American Psycho. Not stabbing a homeless man but at least feeding a cat to an ATM.
Dan: A birthday surprise may be in order. I think all it’ll take is a couple of calls.
Eric: Look, Dan. I know we want Jenny to come in for the anniversary but she fought back last week and nearly lost everything she learned. You told her that yourself. Maybe we shouldn’t risk the same.
Dan: No, we should. They deserve it. They’re smug and they are condescending. They have treaties. And we’re doing it for Jenny.
Eric: Dan we tried and it didn’t work. I’m out. I hope you are too.
Rufus: Son, what are you doing here?
Dan: I could say the same to you. I thought you were going to be having your romantic night. At home. Alone.
Eric: Eleanor convinced them to come and be among friends.
Dan: Oh no. But you can’t stay here. It’d be bad luck. Everything here is on china and crystal. You gotta go home and celebrate on paper plates as planned.
Dan: My sister doesn’t feel safe to live in her own house or be with her parents on their anniversary. She was a different person before she met the two of you.
Nate: Come on Dan. It’s not about Jenny. It may have started out that way but this is about you getting revenge. And you went behind my back to get it.
Dan: I know Nate, but come on. They deserve what they get. I’m not sorry.
Rufus: No, I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m sorry you’ve become one of them.
Chuck: Blair, we had a treaty.
Dan: So I wrecked Blair’s birthday and I betrayed Nate, I disappointed my dad. And as the icing on the cake I pretty much ruined his and Lily’s anniversary.
Vanessa: Other than that, how was your night?
Dan: It was Blair’s 20th birthday party and I’m still acting like an eighth grader. Oh my god. Is it possible the Upper East Side is contagious?
Vanessa: I think we’ve proven that it is. We just need some rest and a good dose of Brooklyn.
Dan: Thanks for being hire.
Vanessa: We’ve been friends forever. That’s not going to change.
Vanessa: I had no idea you were a Colin Forrester fan. I saw Matt Lauer interview him on the Today show recently.
Dan: Oh yeah? What was it about?
Vanessa: Who was cuter. Or maybe that was just me.
Dan: Well he’s no Maria Bartiromo but he is Serena’s professor and she’s been raving about him, so I figured I’d borrow… that book from her. And you checked out of this conversation the minute the S word came up.
Vanessa: Sorry, but ever since the Hamilton House debacle I’m dead to anyone in Serena’s life except for you. Nate doesn’t even return my calls.
Dan: Well if it makes you feel any better he’s not talking to me either. He’s still pissed that I stole that treaty.
Vanessa: Well unlike you I didn’t do anything. Juliet framed me, she’s crazy, is any of this ringing a bell?
Dan: Vanessa, let’s not get into this again. We put it behind us, we’re leaving it there. Alright?
Dan: Things between us got so sidetracked with Milo and Vanessa, I just would like to get them figured out once and for all. I don’t know how she feels.
Rufus: So take her to coffee, or something, and ask her.
Dan: You’re right. I’ll just go find her on campus. I’m gonna go for broke today.
Rufus: Glad I could be so influential.
Dan: Oh no, it’s actually the title of chapter one here: “Going for Broke”. But, um, you’re awesome too Dad.
Serena: Why do you have mad face? Is everything okay?
Dan: No, it’s not okay. You should know better.
Serena: I think I missed something.
Dan: I didn’t. I saw you this morning getting out of a cab with Colin Forrester. Are you having an affair with your professor?
Serena: Well technically he’s a guest lecturer, and no, it’s not an affair because we agreed not to do anything until the semester’s over. It’s romantic.
Dan: What would be romantic is him actually making a sacrifice for you.
Serena: What are you saying?
Dan: When we were together I would have done anything for you so if this billionaire really cares about you then why can’t he quit teaching and take you on a date? You’re worth more than a guest lecturer fee. Everyone knows that. I just wish you did.
Serena: Hey. What are you doing tonight?
Dan: I got a hot date with some Grimaldi’s and Netflix. Why?
Serena: Well I ended it with Colin.
Dan: Oh you did? That’s terrible.
Serena: No, you were right about him so it’s actually good. But DVDs and pizza, really?
Dan: Why, you got a better offer?
Serena: How do you feel about ballet?
Dan: Watching or performing?
Serena: Meet me a the Lincoln Center fountain in an hour and we’ll discuss both after.
Dan: Okay, I’ll be there.
Nate: Dan Humphrey at the opening night of the ballet. Let me guess, Serena’s date?
Dan: Yeah. You were last week.
Nate: Yeah. She’s probably just using you to make that Colin guy jealous. Just like she used me at Blair’s.
Dan: Actually she and Colin broke up.
Nate: Is that so?
Serena: Dan, wait.
Dan: I think I’ve waited enough. Tell me something Serena, how far down the list did you get before you called me to be your date? I mean obviously you couldn’t come with Colin since he’s your professor. And Nate was last week’s beard so what does that make me, Bachelor #3?
Dan: Hey Serena, it’s me. I saw your thing in The Post. Just wanted you to know that Brooklyn is a great place to avoid nasty looks. Unless you throw your recycling in the regular trash or try to open a chain store with questionable labor practices.
Dan: Why are you even here? to Vanessa: I assume you’re responsible.
Vanessa: I totally understand if you guys are still mad at me for what happened with Serena, but obviously you miss each other. I’ll take that awkward pause as a yes.
Dan: Don’t think this means that I’ve been calling out your name in my sleep.
Nate: It’s not like I’ve been writing Mrs. Nate Humphrey in my notebook.
Dan: Hey man I just got your text. What’s up?
Nate: My mom’s filing for divorce. At least she’s trying to.
Dan: Oh. I’m sorry, man. That sucks.
Nate: What am I supposed to do? You know, how do I stop this?
Dan: You can’t. I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, but if kids could fix their parents’ relationships they would. Hell, if we could fix our own relationships we would.
Nate: That’s your advice? Do nothing?
Dan: I mean, if it helps, I know my parents are happier now than they were. And don’t take this the wrong way but I mean it can’t come as a total shock, right?
Nate: It is. I mean she’s had years to do this. The guy embezzled, he got arrested, he tried to skip bail and then he went to prison. She stayed married to him this whole time and now she wants out? I mean what’s worse is that I feel he’s really changed. I just, I gotta get her to see that.
Dan: Well good luck.
Nate: Thanks man. Actually no. No thanks. Your advice really sucked.
Dan: Where is she? Is she alright? What happened?
Blair: She overdosed in some cheap motel in Queens. Alone. Why didn’t she come to me? I mean no matter how angry we were at each other she knows—I don’t know what I would do if anything happened to her.
Dan: What did the doctors say?
Blair: Rufus and Lily are waiting to talk to them. Dan looks perplexed. What?
Dan: Drugs in a cheap motel, that does not seem like Serena to me.
Blair: Sometimes I forget how much of a recent addition you are, Humphrey. You met her as a girl coming home trying to start over. I wish it wasn’t true but… it sounds a lot like the Serena I used to know.
Dan: At the party Serena said she didn’t kiss either of us—that she had no idea what happened. And now this? What if something else is going on?
Nate: Or maybe you just want to think that because it’s easier than the truth.
Dan: Come on. I bust you out of the loony bin and you’re going to mock my choice of transportation. We’re fugitives, alright? We’re taking the bus.
Serena: Are we really doing this? Just running away together?
Dan: No, running away is what guilty people do. We’re just getting out of the city for a few days to get some space and clear your head. It’s a vacation.
Serena: A vacation. I like that. Hey, thank you for believing in me.
Dan: How could I not.
Lily: Daniel, stay here for just a moment. You may not agree with every decision I make regarding my daughter’s well being but you have no right to intervene. I am her mother. I know her much better then you do. And I have been there for certain parts of her life that you have no idea about.
Dan: Really? Which parts are those? Because from the way Serena tells it, it sounds like I’ve clocked more hours by her side than you have.
Lily: Look, I love you. You know that. And you have a big heart, just like your father. And just like him you tend to see the good in everyone no matter what they do.
Dan: Well not always.
Lily: She’s not just the beautiful teenage girl you saw at some party anymore. She’s a troubled young woman avoiding some very real consequences. And unless you want to help her deal with those, then I suggest you step out of the way so that I can.
Dan: With all due respect, maybe I am only seeing the good in Serena, but I’m at least I’m looking at her and not at myself.
Lily: And what is that supposed to mean?
Dan: You committed her because you don’t want to deal with her. You don’t even want to talk to her. Why?
Lily: Well maybe I’m afraid of what she might say. Maybe… what she did was a cry for help and I’m the only one that didn’t hear it.
Dan: Well I… I don’t know. But if that is the case you should know, and if it’s not then we really should find out what happened. But regardless the only way to find out is to sit and talk.
Dan: Vanessa? Oh. Blair.
Blair: I owe you an apology. Juliet may have been behind Serena’s overdose. And I have no intention of letting it go unavenged. I need your help to find her and extract a confession. You in?
Dan: Aren’t I about the last person you want helping you?
Blair: You love Serena, don’t you? So. We have something in common. What do you say we find that bitch and get us a little frontier justice.
Dan: So. Juliet dressed up like Serena at Saints & Sinners to destroy her relationships with me and Nate.
Blair: And enlist Vanessa and Jenny to mess with me.
Dan: Which is devious and pathetic, but let’s face it, around here it’s just another Saturday night .
Blair: Well you can’t show up at a masked ball and not expect at least one social climbing doppelganger to try and impersonate you.
Dan: But then, according to Jenny, Juliet posted a photo of herself as Serena doing coke.
Blair: And for that she will be judged by a higher power. But we—
Dan: We’ve seen worse.
Blair: Well I was going to say “done worse,” but. Yes.
Dan: Okay, but then— Serena wakes up in a hotel room after almost OD’ing.
Blair: And that is where the Juliet Express goes off the rails and heads straight for crazy town.
Dan: The next thing we know, Serena wakes up, insists she didn’t go on a bender.
Blair: But then the photo shows up online and she starts to doubt herself and checks herself into the Ostroff. Which brings us up to the present.
Dan: The thing we need to figure out is why. I mean, Colin, Nate, Hamilton House—none of that explains taking things so far.
Blair: Well as someone well-acquainted with the darker human emotions, let me offer my theory. There is only one motive powerful enough to fuel a gaslighting like this and that is retribution.
Dan: Retribution for what?
Blair: What do you mean, “no visitors”? I don’t think you realize who were are.
Dan: Who she thinks she is, is more like it. Look, I’m family. I’m Serena’s brother— or, step-brother technically, which I do mostly try to put out of my mind seeing as we dated pretty seriously—
Blair: Humphrey, they treat people in here for less serious complexes than that. Do you want to get committed?
Blair: We can’t do nothing for three days. Who knows how far Juliet could get in that time.
Dan: Yeah, I think we just gotta tell my dad and Lily. What Juliet did with these pills is against the law.
Blair: Police and parents. Of course that’s your plan, Humphrey. Or we could sneak in to see Serena. That receptionist got a pretty good look at me but maybe with a wig.
Dan: That’s your plan? Disguises and accents?
Blair: I never said anything about accents. Can you do any?
Dan: Now look, Eric is right. We need to leave Serena out of this and just find Juliet on our own.
Blair: Well Colin is her cousin. We could track him down at whatever economic summit he’s at this week.
Dan: Nate dated her.
Blair: My minions knew her for a whole year before we showed up.
Dan: Or… there is someone who seems to know everything. About everyone.
Blair: Besides me, who? Gossip Girl? She’s not a ouija board, Humphrey. You can’t just ask “Where’s Juliet” and expect her to point you in the right direction.
Dan: Maybe you can. Look, think about it. You and Serena are her people, not Juliet. And Serena really could have been hurt. Plus I’m sure she’s furious that Juliet sent in that fake photo. Does she even know that it’s fake?
Blair: Is the pedal to the metal? Because I swear if I shove my feet through the floor I could run faster. At least there’s no radio so I’m spared your horrid taste in music. I think we were supposed to turn there.
Dan: You know I’d tell you to stop being such a back seat driver but how can you be one when you don’t even know how to drive.
Blair: I offered to get us a car service. Professional driver, comfortable seats, champagne!
Dan: We’re on a mission here.
Dan: First, my dad swapped a ’69 Les Paul for this car. It’s a collectors item. Second, it was either this or the Lincoln Hawk van which, all I’m saying has graphics.
Blair: Fine. We should almost be there. Let me just consult the GPS. Oh wait. That’s me.
Dan: I’m not sure what’s supposed to happen right now. If she really is in there, what’s our plan? I mean what are we going to do, we’re just gonna march up to her and… pull her hair?
Blair: For starters.
Nate: When’s the last time you talked with Serena? She’s not answering her phone.
Dan: No, they took it away. It’s part of her therapy.
Nate: Oh, so she’s still at The Ostroff? That’s good I guess. She’s safe there.
Dan: What do you mean? Safe from what?
Nate: I was visiting my dad and I ran into Juliet’s brother Ben. He was really upset and he, ah, seems to think Serena’s in danger.
Dan: From who? Juliet?
Nate: I don’t know. He didn’t get a chance to say. But we should probably go check on her. Can you go? I’m in Staten Island.
Dan: No, I’m with Blair and Damien in Connecticut. It’s a long story, but… alright, meet us at the Van der Woodsens. Serena should be okay where she is but we need to find Juliet.
Blair: Look, I think I figured it out. Okay, Serena had an affair with her teacher because, let’s face it, it’s Serena and what else is there to do in Connecticut. Then she came to her senses and discarded him like last season’s Chanel booties. Then he became a crazy stalker and Serena pressed charges. That should be a warning to you, Humphrey.
Dan: Yeah, because the parallels are striking.
Blair: Never-to-be-realized literary aspirations: check. Townie: you’re from Brooklyn so check. And giving up everything to became Serena van der Woodsen’s stalker. Check. Face it Humphrey, you are one knitted tie away from Mr. Donovan territory.
one week later…
Dan: See I told you. Food is more delicious when you cook it yourself.
Nate: Yup. That’s why we’re going to end this experiment in middle class living and then call the housekeeper to clean up.
Blair: No way! I stuck my hand up a turkey’s butt. You’re not getting out of your job.
Chuck: Well I’ve provided the location, so I did my part. Now I’m off to New Zealand to enjoy a taste of summer and girls who like sex games in the Rain Forest.
Dan: I’ll help clear. It’s only fitting seeing as I did the shopping, set the table and… oversaw the cooking.
Nate getting up to help: Alright.
Dan: Serena, I would love to go away with you. But it feels like this trip is something you might need to do on your own.
Serena: I’ve been trying so hard to prove to the world that I’ve changed. But I think the person that doubted it the most was me. I’m going to work on that.
Dan: And you’ll succeed. I know you will. And I know you better than anyone. Be safe.
Blair: What are you still doing here? Shouldn’t you be off living your dream? Days on end in a real car with Serena?
Dan: No. I’m staying here. So actually I’ll be living out my nightmare. Trapped in the city with only Blair Waldorf to talk to.
Blair: Nate’s here. I’ll share custody as long as I’m in first position.
Dan: Nate’s with his grandfather.
Blair: Eric then?
Dan: Gestad with Elliot. Please don’t continue down the list. I promise you it’s just me. I won’t be calling. I’m going to be very busy writing, turning Vanessa’s room into an office, seeing Nanette at the Film Forum.
Blair: I’m seeing Nanette at Film Forum.
Dan: You like French documentaries about orangutans?
Blair: Nanette is an inspiration. Last summer I’d go to Les Jardins des Plante all the time just to visit her. If we happen to run in to each other, please don’t sit next to me.
Dan: I wouldn’t think of it. Let’s just finish these dishes so we can go home. Alright?
Blair: I’ll wash, you dry. You wouldn’t know how to handle Riedel.
Dan: This coming from the one holding what appears to be a bottle of L’Occitane shampoo.
Blair: You can’t wash good wine glasses in common dish soap. Just follow my lead, Humphrey. You’re used to doing that.
Dan: Our bags are packed, the house is closed up, but the real question remains: now that you’ve spent your whole summer drinking your coffee out of Cece’s china will it taste as good coming out of your Welcome Back Kotter mug at home?
Rufus: Sure it was great out here but I like the real world too. Well I mean since we’ll be at Lily’s it’s the better smelling, better thread count version of the real world but still. Hey, you guys aren’t ready? Serena’s going to be home by six.
Eric: How can she even greet us when she gets here? Isn’t she taking a vow of silence for her month at the ashram?
Dan: I don’t know, that eat-pray-love thing of hers is awesome but I just highly doubt she can keep her mouth shut for a whole month.
Rufus: Even so, it’s time to leave. And I think her month is up.
Dan: Yeah, I need to meet up with Vanessa too, because I think she has something to tell me about how she spent her summer.
Wasn’t she in Europe with Nate?
Serena: What’s that?
Rufus: The money your mother left us for emergencies. Not to boast but we haven’t used a penny of it all summer.
Jenny: Well thank heaven for salaried servants and an account at the beach club, right.
Rufus: Well I’m glad I have the number for City Harvest. This is all a little much.
Dan: A little much? It makes the Four Seasons look like… one season.
Vanessa: Okay, wait. Why do you have a knock off designer wallet? I thought you hated intellectual property theft. Oh, it’s to hold all your hundred dollar bills.
Dan: Do you know how hard it is to break one of those things? I don’t even know why they make them. I’m kidding. Sort of. It’s not a knock off. It’s a graduation present from Lily. As is what’s in it. And you know what, I thought I’d never use it but… have you seen the stitching?
Dan: What— Vanessa? What are you doing here?
Vanessa: Nice suit.
Dan: You couldn’t judge me enough in New York, you had to follow me to another state to do it too?
Blair: Humphrey! C’mon, it’s show time.
Vanessa: If you don’t mind Dan and I are in the middle of something.
Blair: If you don’t mind —or even if you do—Dan’s coming with me.
Dan: I have to go. I’m sorry.
Vanessa: So am I.
Vanessa: I know stuff’s going on with your family so I’m just going to go.
Dan: Okay. Why’d you come here?
Vanessa: Honestly, right now I just don’t know. Maybe people just change. Maybe it’s okay if we grow apart.
Dan: Vanessa, I’m not changing.
Vanessa: You’re at a polo match in a three thousand dollar suit and your name’s in the program. And after I take a bus across the state line to apologize you ditch me for Blair Waldorf and totally disappear.
Dan: Cece set me up with this suit. Alright? And Jenny got a dress too if you’d also like to make her feel bad about it. As for Blair it’s not like we’re shoe shopping or sipping martinis. There’s something going on with Serena.
Vanessa: And what is that?
Dan: I wish I knew. All I do know is that Lily’s mother is very sick and my dad is struggling just to keep it together. Not to mention my family is generally in the middle of a transition. So please—please!—give me a break with the “rich people suck” thing.
Vanessa: I don’t care if you’re rich. Which, you aren’t by the way. Ride in a limo, break a hundred, that’s fine. But if you’re going to be in this world, be yourself in this world. Because I actually like that guy. And I hope he’s the one that turns up at NYU.
Georgina: Okay, this is probably too much, but would you guys wanna have a cup of coffee with me.
Dan: Ah… Georgina, I appreciate that you want a clean slate but I think it would be too much. I’m sorry.
Serena: Hey. Thanks for letting me crash here last night.
Dan: Harboring an Ivy League fugitive? I’m your man. I made you breakfast. And remember, we don’t have any servants here. So if you see anyone besides me call the police.
Blair: Thanks for bringing me Humphrey.
Dan: Yeah well. I would just like to think if I needed it, somebody would do the same for me. Though let’s be honest, we both know it wouldn’t be you. Oh. No headbands in college, okay?
Dan: College is supposed a place where you’re not judged by what you believe or the friends you make. You’re here to make new friends. Start over. Last time I checked I think this party was pretty fun, right? Okay. So, who wants to leave with Blair? silence. Who wants to stay here and drink cheap beer with me?
Georgina: Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.
Dan: Yeah I did. Let’s go get a beer.
Blair: I know what this is. And don’t think you can run me out of my own room with a half-naked Dan Humphrey.
Georgina: Fine. Stay. Maybe you’ll learn something.
Dan: No that’s okay. I was just about to hit the trail.
Blair: It just so happens that I was on my way to a very important breakfast. I just stopped by to drop off my books and pick up my mail so feel free to hit the trail all you want. From Serena to Georgina? Quite a fall even for you.
Dan: I just mean that when you do something no one else knows about it’s kind of like you’re not even doing it. But when someone find out about it—
Serena: S: It becomes real.
Vanessa: Well college is a time for experimentation. Psychedelic drugs. Ethnic food.
Serena: Girls who once pretended to be Sarah from Portland.
Dan: So you guys are what?
Vanessa: We are just going to tease you mercilessly.
Serena: If you want to date Georgina then more power to you. I would just check to make sure that there’s not an ice pick under the bed.
Dan: We’re not dating. We are just hanging out.
Serena: One piece of advice: you should make sure she’s knows that. ‘Cause if Georgina likes somebody she will go from zero to crazy before you know it.
Georgina: This is my kind of date.
Dan: Racing to an art auction to confront a possible stalker? Was your last boyfriend Batman?
Georgina: Admit it. You’re having fun.
Dan: I think I just got dumped. Want to go to a movie or something?
Vanessa: Yeah. A movie sounds great. But you’re going to have to wear a suit.
Vanessa: I’m not in love with you, you moron. Georgina’s been blackmailing me.
Dan: What? Why? Vanessa, look I’m your best friend. You can tell me. You have to tell me. What does she have on you?
Vanessa: Ugh. She knows that I know… Scott… is your brother.
Dan: Wow. I wondered what happened to Poppy. I had no idea it was so easy to get someone deported. That’s so thoughtful. That’s so… Georgina. You know, I really missed you while you were away.
Georgina: You did? I heard you were seeing someone.
Dan: I was. But it turned out she was dating Orlando Bloom behind my back. Can you believe that?
Georgina: No. It is amazing how down that guy’s Star-O-Meter has gone.
Scott: Sorry for not telling you who I was.
Dan: You know, I should have guessed. No one under 40 has ever shown that much interest in Lincoln Hawk.
Dan: We just started dating. Isn’t it a little soon for “Meet the Parents”?
Vanessa: Not for Olivia. She seems really easygoing and into you.
Jenny: Yeah. Seriously Dan. Play the parent card. People like you more when they meet your family.
Dan: I love it. You know cobalt’s my favorite color.
Olivia: Push the button. (“It’s 11:45. Your hair is so pleasing!”) It’s a compliment watch. It flatters in three different languages.
Dan: Oh my god. This is the greatest watch in the history of all watches. The Swiss should be ashamed for not thinking of it first.
Olivia: So what are you gonna do this weekend to thank me?
Dan: You know, actually, about that. I was thinking I would invite you to the Parent-Freshman Dinner with me and my parents. I know you’re probably exhausted—
Olivia: I would love to.
Dan: Really? Are you sure? ‘Cause you heard the part about my parents right?
Olivia: Dan. The last three guys I dated, I met their agent, their manager, their publicist, a personal trainer who also read tarot cards and I never met a single one of their parents. I would love to meet yours.
Dan: So you really think the sight of Olivia in fake fangs reciting stilted dialogue is going to be a deal breaker, don’t you?
Nate: Oh the dialogue is awesome. It’s the part without the talking that’s the problem.
Dan: I think I can handle some PG-13 bloodsucking. C’mon.
Nate: Seriously, I mean do you not get internet here in Brooklyn? Okay, Patrick Roberts who plays her vampire co-star was her boyfriend the whole time they were shooting this. All the blogs said they got really into it and started doing it for real. Like, sex scene on the cutting room floor real.
Dan: I think the most disturbing part in all of this is you’ve been reading Endless Nights blogs.
Nate: Okay, that’s— I know you think you’re okay with it. But you don’t want to watch your girlfriend with another guy. I mean comparing looks… and noises…
Dan: No, see that’s the problem with your theory. I have no idea if she makes noises yet. We haven’t gotten to the noises stage.
Dan: Is her acting this good in the rest of the movie? I mean just look at the way she’s looking at him. That’s love. That’s definitely love. And lust. And… gratitude—
Nate: Dude, it’s an orgasm.
Olivia: Wow. Looks like you’re feeling a lot better.
Dan: Yeah, it was just one of those 24 hour things. Just kind of weird.
Olivia: Dan, if this is about that cookie jar photo. If you’re not ready I totally understand.
Dan: Ready. No, I’m—I love that picture of you. It’s so flattering. And who can resist free gifts in shiny wrappers?
Dan: Listen, as much as I enjoy my current girlfriend talking to my ex-girlfriend about her fake boyfriend who is also my current girlfriend’s ex…
Dan: Hey, where’s the Scrabble dictionary? to himself: I swear squick is a word.
Nate: A threesome?
Dan: Oh yeah. Just me, Olivia, Vanessa, two girls, four boobs, one Dan Humphrey.
Dan: How awesome am I?
Nate: How stupid can you be?
Nate: Buddy. Okay, I know things. I’ve been to Europe. Chuck Bass is my best friend. Alright, the third person is supposed to be a stranger.
Dan: The fact that it was Vanessa is what made it so fun.
Nate: Okay, the problem is that during a threesome there’s always a twosome and a onesome going on.
Dan: You know what? The onesome was not so bad.
Nate: Okay, you may have enjoyed the show. But let’s face it Vanessa is very vocal. It couldn’t have been easy for Olivia to hear all that.
Dan: You know what, Olivia was fine. We talked the next morning. And so was Vanessa. I mean I haven’t really seen her much, but I’m sure she is. Why are you being such a buzzkill?
Nate: Because you’re lucky to have both of them in your life.
Dan: Okay, man. So get this: I have plans with Vanessa tonight but then Olivia signed me up to do this cabaret thing with her. And Blair.
Nate: Oh yeah. It’s post-threesome stage one. Wherein one, if not both girls, try to prove to the other who you belong to.
Dan: Alright, so what do I do?
Nate: Well you have to prove to Olivia that you and Vanessa are still friends. Despite the fact that you’ve seen each other’s business.
Dan: You know what, the disco stick tends to be an unreliable mode of transportation. It breaks down. A lot.
Dan: Platinum Record on the wall / It’s me now who have it all.
Just as long as true love’s kiss / Doesn’t wake this coked-up miss.
Vanessa: Then she starts lecturing the poor cashier that Thanksgiving is nothing more than a corporate agenda of the Food Industry masquerading as family sentiment.
Dan: That reminds me: if my dad asks, we followed his recipe for homemade pie crust to the letter.
Cece: Hello Daniel.
Dan: You’re looking well, Cece.
Cece: I am, aren’t I?
Vanessa: Why does my mom have to stick her nose in everyone’s business?
Dan: C’mon, Cece’s heart pumps secrets and gin. It’s not your mom’s fault.
Dan: Olivia called it. And I was too stupid or too stubborn to realize she was right about Vanessa. And now my window’s closed. She all off into this Paul Hoffman guy.
Nate: Dan, do you really think if you went toe-to-toe with Paul Hoffman that you couldn’t take him down? You’re using him as an excuse.
Dan: No, he’s a handsome guy, he’s a sophomore. He and Vanessa have a lot in common.
Nate: He’s a douche. Listen, you have two options here: you could man up, go to war and fight for the girl you love. Or just forget her and move on to a palette cleanser.
Dan: So you’re saying my only choices are extreme emotional vulnerability with a good friend. Or meaningless sex with a stranger.
Nate: Yeah. Pretty much.
Nate: Hey. Wha? I’m not that late.
Dan: I’m sorry, man. I was just hoping you were Vanessa.
Nate: Oh, you invited Vanessa here too?
Dan: No. Not exactly. But she does spend a lot of time here.
Nate: I take it that means you still haven’t talked to her.
Dan: Or gotten a text. Or seen her. It’s my fault—I moved too fast, you know? I read like five self-help blogs about how to turn friends into lovers. Yes they use that word. I was a little down at my mom’s place.
Blair: Oh. Looks like my advice went the way of the clog.
Serena: What are you talking about?
Blair: The clog? An ugly wooden show that tried to make a statement and then disappeared. Just like your resolve to take things slow with Nate.
Dan: I dated Serena for over a year. And if you want to make things work you’re going to have to be able come up for air. Which is really not her favorite thing to do.
Lily: Oh, hello Daniel.
Dan: What are you doing in Brooklyn?
Lily: Uh. I was hoping your father would be here.
Dan: He was supposed to be back this morning. Can’t imagine he’d come here before going to see you.
Lily: Well I just figured since he hadn’t seen you over the holidays. You know how sentimental he is.
Rufus: I’m not willing to explain myself, Dan.
Dan: Alright fine. You can make your own damn waffles.
Rufus: C’mon, Dan.
Dan: Listen, you’re the one who’s always saying to be honest and talk about things, so… I really hope you’re not going to let your marriage die because you’re scared to take your own advice.
Melissa: So how long have you and Vanessa known each other?
Dan: Oh, we’ve been best friends since we were kids.
Melissa: I was actually talking to Paul.
Dan: You know, Dad, I think every girl goes through a forbidden guy phase. It explains why vampires are so popular right now.
Rufus: Son, I have to tell you. This date is a disaster. What’s going on?
Dan: She has this idea that we’re stuck in a rut, and she’s trying to break us out of it.
Rufus: A rut? You just started dating.
Dan: I know.
Rufus: Look, the two of you just need to talk this through. She’s Vanessa, you’re Dan. You guys are best friends.
Rufus: Did she just leave?
Dan: Mm hm.
Dan: The application for the Tisch writing program is due in two days. I just, I need to bear down and finish my one-act.
Vanessa: Is this the same one-act that you were ninety-five percent done with last week but didn’t want to show me until it was a hundred percent done?
Dan: Hey. You okay?
Blair: No. I’m not. Why do you even care? You’ve always thought the worst of Chuck and me. You think we’re horrible. Depraved. Soulless.
Dan: I may have used all of those words at one point or another, but… I’m sorry, I’m not following. What’s going on? Did Chuck do something?
Blair: No, it’s not just what he did. It’s what I did. This whole time I was blaming him but it was me too. I’ve become the person you always thought I was.
Dan: Look Blair, you’re not— I don’t think you’re that bad of a person. Maybe not my type but you’re not terrible. And whatever it is that happened between you and Chuck I’m sure you can fix it. Because if there’s a pair meant for one another, it’s you two.
Blair: You’re absolutely right. Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. Who else could love me after what I’ve become. Thank you for helping me see, Humphrey. Your ice is melting.
Dan: Just to clarify: I do think you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy.
Blair: Well coming as it does from someone who dates Vanessa Abrams, it means very little to me. But still. Thank you, Humphrey.
Dan: “We regret to inform you that, due to the high volume of applicants to the Dramatic Writing Program at the Tisch School for the Arts, we have decided to crush your dreams with this form letter.” Apparently there was only one spot for transfer students and I didn’t get it.
Vanessa: This is… really terrible.
Dan: Vanessa, it’s okay. I mean, it sucks yeah, but I’ll survive.
Vanessa: No it’s not that. It’s just… it as me. I um, I got the spot.
Vanessa: I should have told you I was applying for Dramatic Writing as well as Film and TV. I honestly didn’t think I had a shot. It was only after I wrote that short that I started thinking how great would it be if we both got in.
Dan: So you got the spot?
Vanessa: I would have never applied if I’d known they were only taking one transfer from NYU.
Dan: You got it. Wow. Wow. Well, I mean, congratulations. No seriously. Seriously. If it wasn’t going to be me, I’m glad it was you.
Vanessa: You are?
Dan: Yeah sure. And they also wished me success in my future endeavors. So it wasn’t a total loss.
Dan: Jenny. Please tell me what you’re doing here starting with “Dad knows” and ending with “these drinks are not for me.”
Dan: Look, I don’t know what WIlla told you but keep in mind she carries around lighter fluid.
Vanessa: You told her that my Tisch sample was adapted from your story.
Dan: It slipped out. But you wrote an original piece, you don’t have anything to worry about.
Vanessa: You mean because Willa’s going to call her father and straighten it out with the dean? Thanks, Dan. You really made sure I was off to a great start.
Dan: You’re not— you’re not being fair. That was not my fault.
Vanessa: I asked you if you were okay with me getting in. Why weren’t you honest with me?
Dan: Like you were honest with me—going behind my back to apply for the one thing I wanted more than anything?
Vanessa: I explained that.
Dan: No! No, you justified that. You said yourself that if you knew there’d only be one spot you wouldn’t have applied.
Vanessa: What are, what are you saying? You want me to withdraw my application?
Dan: No. No. Of course not. But what were you expecting my reaction to be?
Vanessa: I, um, I don’t know. Not this.
Gossip Girl: And while new journeys can start with a single step, they can end just as quickly with a single misstep.
Dan: Hey Vanessa, it’s me. Listen, I just read your play. And it’s amazing. I’m so so sorry. Please call me.
Dan: Did you apply for a documentary internship in Haiti?
Vanessa: Yeah. The producer just called. I got the job.
Dan: When were you planning on telling me about this?
Vanessa: This morning. And then you put internships on the “Do not discuss” list and I panicked.
Dan: Why? This is not about competing for something. This is about our relationship.
Vanessa: But both of those have been so tied up in each other. And this job is a huge deal for me, Dan.
Dan: You can’t pretend like you going away for three months is not going to affect us.
Vanessa: I think I didn’t want to face that. It was just so much easier when we were just friends and we could talk about things.
Dan: Alright. So is that what you want, then? You wanna go back to just friends.
Vanessa: I don’t know.
Dan: Thanks for coming with me, man. It means a lot, you getting involved.
Nate: Oh hey, my dad would have done this and worse. Alright? And no matter what Serena wants to believe, there’s no way Rufus would hurt Lily like that.
Dan: Does Serena know you’re doing this?
Nate: I was thinking we’d see what we find out before I tell her.
Dan: You’re on dangerous ground there.
Nate: Yeah, but the only way to clean up this mess—for everyone—is to find out the truth.
Dan: I know. That’s why we need the help of an expert.
Dan: Maybe I’m stating the obvious here, but shouldn’t we just tell Lily?
Chuck: Tell her what? “Jenny tried to sell your mislabeled meds which came from the woman who said she slept with your husband”?
Blair: We have to get to Holland first. She’s the one who can connect all the dots. And then we go to Lily.
Blair: I’m in luck! smacks Dan Two smackdowns for the price of none.
Dan: What the hell are you doing?
Blair: Don’t screw up Nate and Serena.
Dan: Nothing happened.
Blair: So said Serena. But I’m thinking she left a little something out.
One week later…
Georgina: Hi Dan.
Dan: Georgina, what are you doing back in town?
Georgina: Looking for you actually. I have something of yours.
Dan: What? I don’t remember giving you anything.
Georgina: Well. You gave me this.
Georgina: Congratulations, Daddy! He looks just like you.