Chuck: Uh uh.
Ashley: Why not?
Chuck: It’s better to wait.
Ashley: How long?
Chuck: Let’s see… now.
Blair: What the hell is going on?
Chuck: Blair, I can explain.
Ashley: I’m sorry, um, I didn’t know he had a girlfriend.
Chuck: Yes, you did. to Blair. She did.
Blair: Shame on you, Ashley Henshaw. How could you do that? Pick up someone in a relationship? Have you no pride, no self respect?
Ashley: Okay, but I didn’t know—
Blair: You may have an Abercrombie campaign and the security code to Clooney’s castle in Lake Como but that doesn’t give you the right to try and steal someone else’s man! Now take your American Girl hair and your poreless skin and get out!
Ashley: Okay, you’re crazy.
Blair: Hi. they kiss.  2 or 3 hours. I missed you.
Chuck: Let me make it up to you. Let’s get out of here.
Blair: Or we could stay.
Serena: Wait you do what? I go to Europe for three months and you turn from Jane Austen to Anais Nin. Is there anything Chuck Bass can’t get you to do?
Blair: It was my idea.
Serena: No, no it wasn’t.
Blair: Yes, it was. We had our honeymoon period and while other couples settle into routine we were determined to keep things interesting. So Chuck plays the cheating bastard and I play the scorned woman. I even get to choose who to humiliate. Models, tourists, Upper West Siders…
Blair: Summer was great. We had a lot of fun. Summer’s over.
Blair: Humphrey! C’mon, it’s show time.
Vanessa: If you don’t mind Dan and I are in the middle of something.
Blair: If you don’t mind —or even if you do—Dan’s coming with me.
Dan: I have to go. I’m sorry.
Vanessa: So am I.
Carter: What the hell is this?
Blair: It’s a restraining order.
Carter: This says I have to stay away from Blair Waldorf.
Blair: Yeah. And until further notice you’ll find me by Serena’s side. Step within 100 feet of me and you’ll be arrested. And about how far do you think he is from me?
Dan: Oh he’s far enough.
Blair: I agree. Security!
Blair: Chuck, where is she?
Chuck: What are you talking about?
Blair: Do you really expect me to believe you don’t have her stashed here?
Chuck: I came back from the party because I have a headache. Didn’t you get my messages?
Blair: I must have left my phone on the table. What if we need games? What if without them we’re boring?
Chuck: We could never be boring.
Blair: You say that, but I know you. You’re Chuck Bass.
Chuck: I’m not Chuck Bass without you.
Blair: Running to get here all the way from Connecticut was pretty exciting. Do you know where Alexandra lives?
Chuck: How about we stay in instead.
Chuck: I have to object to you living in the dorms. Fluorescent lighting, communal showers, public schoolgirls. There’s a place for that and it belongs in the back of a video store.
Blair: It’s not for long. I can’t rule the NYU masses from the Upper East Side. I need to spend time in the dorm to establish myself as queen.
Chuck: It’s not Constance, Blair. The only queens are the ones with tickets to see Liza at Carnegie Hall.
Blair: Chuck, I trust that when you say never drink absinthe with Daniel Baldwin you know what you’re talking about. But when I say the first week at college means scared, vulnerable freshmen to guide them that I know what I’m talking about.
Blair: So you’re not in love with Jesus anymore?
Georgina: Oh, I still hold him in my heart. But Jesus and I have redefined our relationship.
Blair: You mean He dumped you because he found out you were Satan.
Blair: Georgina, please. Nobody wants greasy pizza and Vanessa’s home movies when there’s a sushi and sake party right in the other room. Did I mention? Wasabi facials.
Georgina: Okay then.
Freshman: And shut the door.
Georgina: This paranoia has got to stop, Blair.
Blair: I am not paranoid. I’m right. Why else would you have formed an alliance with Vanessa. The one person I may hate more than you.
Georgina: It’s not an alliance, it’s a friendship. Unlike you, Vanessa’s cool and people like her. More than the girl that threw the fish party.
Blair: Sushi! There was toro!
Georgina: Face it Blair, once upon a time in a far off land you were a queen. Here you’re just a loser who will never fit in. So you won’t be needing that.
Blair: Thanks for bringing me Humphrey.
Dan: Yeah well. I would just like to think if I needed it, somebody would do the same for me. Though let’s be honest, we both know it wouldn’t be you. Oh. No headbands in college, okay?
Dan: Blair what the hell are you doing?
Blair: Georgina was turning everyone against me. You were just a casualty in the battle for social dominance. But don’t worry, your loyalty has been rewarded. Your name’s on the list at The Monkey Bar. to Vanessa Yours isn’t.
Vanessa: Georgina wasn’t turning people against you, Blair. You tried to bribe them into being your friend with sushi parties and gift bags and nobody liked it.
Blair: I don’t need these losers to like me in order to follow me. Fear works better anyway. Dan you’ve experienced Social Siberia. If you want to try something new, I’ll see you at Monkey Bar.
Blair: There’s a reason we never went downtown. It’s awful. The minute you cross 14th Street people forget there’s a class system.
Serena: B, you will find your place. Just give it time.
Blair: No I found my place and it’s at the bottom. It’s a point of pride now that I see who’s on top. Anyway it’s all turned out for the best. If I hadn’t been so distracted I would have been able to force you to go to Brown.
Serena: That’s sweet but no, you wouldn’t have. I am sorry about the disappearing act.
Blair: I’m sure you’ll find a way to make it up to me. In the handbag department at Bendel’s.
Blair: It was so much easier when it was just about where we sat on the Met steps.
Serena: We’ve been here, done this.
Blair: I was so good at it.
Serena: Well then it’s time for a new challenge. For both of us.
Blair: I know what this is. And don’t think you can run me out of my own room with a half-naked Dan Humphrey.
Georgina: Fine. Stay. Maybe you’ll learn something.
Dan: No that’s okay. I was just about to hit the trail.
Blair: It just so happens that I was on my way to a very important breakfast. I just stopped by to drop off my books and pick up my mail so feel free to hit the trail all you want. From Serena to Georgina? Quite a fall even for you.
Serena: Where are you going?
Blair: No idea. I officially have nowhere left to go. My roommate is a nympho with a sock fetish, I have no friends at school, and now my boyfriend would rather obsess about a restaurateur than spend quality time with me. And hasn’t, by the way, in five days.
Serena: Le Table Elitaire?
Blair: It’s a secret society. How have you not heard of them?
Serena: It’s a secret society. If I’d heard of it it wouldn’t be a secret.
Blair: They’re modeled after Le Grande Ecole in France. Secret salons for the elite of academic institutions.
Blair: Chuck? How did you know I was here? Did you find me to apologize? That is so sweet.
Chuck: Not exactly. Though I am sorry. I know I have been all work lately.
Blair: If you didn’t find me what are you doing here?
Chuck: There’s a photograph I need that’s up for auction tonight.
Blair: Me too! My prayers have been answered. A secret collegiate society wants me. Initiation is easy. All you have to do is contribute to their Salon’s art collection as a fee, so—
Chuck: You’ve got to be kidding me.
Blair: I’m more of a Helmut Newton girl myself, but they want a vintage MacMillan. Who am I to argue.
Chuck: You see this guy in the photo? That’s Sean Macpherson. He has an entire wall of photos like this in his office. But procuring this one for him is the best way I can show him I have respect for his history.
Blair: Show him respect? He’s a club owner, not a mafia don.
Chuck: Guess Dorota’s counter-intelligence isn’t what it used to be.
Blair: Don’t change the subject! I can’t believe you lied to me. Trying to use sex to distract me.
Chuck: I learned from the best.
Blair: That photograph is mine! Blair storms out
Chuck: She stole my shoes?
Serena: B. What are you doing here?
Blair: Eyeing a photograph that’s up for auction tonight to get into La Table Elitaire. But Chuck wants it for some business deal. Can you believe that? Putting his own happiness above mine? What kind of boyfriend does that?
Blair: S. What are you doing?
Serena: What are you guys doing sabotaging Carter? Three bottles of ’95 Dom on his hotel room service bill. One of your favorites if I recall.
Chuck: So we started a stealth campaign to destroy his credibility. The room service bill, the girl on the street—
Blair: The warrant.
Serena: What warrant?
Blair: Well he might want to take a DNA sample down to the 24th Precinct tomorrow.
Chuck: Sure you said cram session and not the annual Waldorf sleep over?
Blair: Fine. I’m hosting the sleep over. But Jenny Humphrey is destroying everything I worked for. And those girls deserve to learn the meaning of aristocracy.
Chuck: We both know it’s not about that.
Blair: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Blair: Dorota, these martinis taste like tap water. Don’t be a Scrooge with the gin.
Dorota: Ms. Blair. This not right. Mr. Chuck and I both of the opinion—
Blair: And who cares what you and Mr. Chuck think?
Blair: Do you have any idea how much you humiliated me?
Chuck: I think you accomplished that with your little teeny bopper sleep over. NYU is hard, but Blair Waldorf does not give up.
Blair: I’m not giving up. I’ve made a strategic retreat.
Chuck: Potato, potah-to.
Blair: You don’t understand.
Chuck: I do understand. Let me help.
Blair: No, Chuck. NYU is not the Upper East Side. They don’t care about Constance or the social hierarchy. They don’t care that I’m Blair Waldorf. It’s over.
Chuck: And you’d do this to me?
Blair: What are you talking about?
Chuck: I’m Chuck Bass. And I told you I love you. You’re saying I’m easier to win over than a bunch of pseudo-intellectual homesick malcontents. You’d really insult me like this?
Blair: That’s not how it is.
Chuck: That’s exactly how it is. So next time you forget you’re Blair Waldorf, remember: I’m Chuck Bass. And I love you.
Blair: The bloodsucker is back. I saw her coffin and telltale Louis Vuitton broom on the floor.
Nate: Vampire’s don’t ride brooms, Blair.
Blair: Leave it to Georgina to start a mutant strain.
Bree: You know my roommate and I didn’t see eye to eye at first. So one night I bought ice cream cone cupcakes from the treats truck and we bonded. She taught me how to say hello in Swahili. “Hujambo”.
Blair: Aw. Do you happen to know what the Swahili is for “Mind your own beeswax”? No reason of course. Just might be useful some day on safari.
Chuck: So Bree, you went home last week.
Bree: Yeah. Tried to mend the “I’m dating a van der Bilt” fence. Didn’t work. We’re Southern, so family loyalty’s real big down there.
Blair: Like slavery. What? I’m joking. You know I’m joking, right Bree?
Blair: Carter is not who you think he is. I know you don’t like to discuss this but he wasn’t the cause of my spiral. Just a symptom. And he makes Serena truly happy. What is this? This is incredible.
Chuck: Buntautuk. I learned it from a master in Chiang Mai. Serena’s deluded. The guy’s not capable of genuine feelings.
Blair: He’s brought out a different side of her. All happy and domestic, nested up at my mother’s.
Chuck: Carter’s at your penthouse? Why wouldn’t you tell Bree that when you asked?
Blair: He got in last night. She just called me a few hours ago. Anyway, why would I tell that future NASCAR mom anything? I hate her. And the tractor she rode in on.
Chuck: What you hate is Nate moving on. Look I love you, but Nate liking Bree doesn’t make her a piranha. And Serena liking Carter doesn’t make him a prince.
Blair: Hey, where’re you going? I have tension!
Amalia: The Whitney is a no, Harvard Club a no. And Colicchio laughed in my face when I asked about Craft.
Blair: The only time I want to hear “no” is if Ruth Madoff wants an invite.
Blair: Go. Flit. Mingle.
Amalia: Vanessa’s giving the toast again. And she’s got some big pink claw thing.
Blair: Well I don’t know about that. However phase one is complete.
Chuck: I must confess. I missed our little game. Although your lady is late.
Blair: There she is now.
Chuck: She’s a guy.
Blair: Who took my speech at the freshman dinner and gave it to Vanessa Abrams. He double-crossed me. And I—
Chuck: Demand satisfaction.
Blair: You still up for it? My wonderful man. I’ll just go powder my nose for ten minutes.
Chuck: I don’t even need five.
Blair: Have you no sense of decency? Well you got your kiss.
Ellis: Number 27 on the Tribeca Scavenger Hunt: Kiss the Chuck Bass. Check.
Blair: I expect more from a representative of a college! And the toast?
Ellis: I’ll do the deal. It’s all yours. I should call Vanessa, break the bad news.
Blair: Oh allow me. We’re rivals but… friends at heart. ‘Til tonight. Out, you cable-knit Queen!
Chuck: You were late.
Blair: I got caught in a text flurry with Dorota. I’m sorry.
Chuck: I have to get Uptown for a dinner. I assume you’re skipping the parents thing.
Blair: I may pop in for Vanessa’s toast. Just for laughs. Are you upset because you kissed a guy?
Chuck: I’m upset because it’s somebody that wasn’t you. You really think I’ve never kissed a guy before?
Blair: Love me?
Vanessa: So tell me once and for all. What makes you better than me?
Blair: Do you really want to know?
Blair: Everything. Generations of breeding and wealth had to come together to produce me. I have more in common with Marie Antoinette than with you. And granted you may be popular at some stuffy Ivy safety school, but the fact is the rabblerers still rabble and they need a queen.
Vanessa: You stole the toast.
Blair: I was willing to do what was necessary. Including lying to Chuck. The one person who trusts me more than anyone. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to give my toast.
Vanessa: Actually Blair. Congratulations. You just did.
Lily: Chuck is gone.
Blair: But I need to talk to him. I need to explain.
Lily: Blair, whatever you needed Chuck to do, do you really think he would have refused you?
Blair: No. He’d never say no. To anything. I messed up, didn’t I?
Lily: Yes. Yes you really did.
Blair: Lily, you’re supposed to say “Everything is going to be fine.” Where did you learn to give a pep talk, Guantanamo?
Lily: Blair. I understand a thing or two about ambitious women. But without trust you’re lost.
Blair: Why did we do all this?
Vanessa: You tell me.
Chuck: What do you want Blair?
Blair: Forgiveness. I’m so sorry Chuck. I made a mistake. I know there’s no excuse but, it’s just a kiss.
Chuck: The people you manipulate. I know how little respect you have for them.
Blair: But not you. I don’t feel that way about you. And I won’t ever do it again. I promise. It was a mistake.
Chuck: I’m in a meeting.
Blair: I’ll call you later.
Vanessa: You want it?
Blair: I was thinking an 80s theme. Although shoulder pads can be overwhelming on my delicate frame.
Chuck: This is a business, not a high school party.
Blair: I told you I was sorry for my little transgression and you forgave me. Now either make me kiss a girl already or let’s move on.
Chuck: I apologize. I’ve been on edge lately.
Blair: You’re still mad from before. It’s clouding your judgment.
Chuck: This is not about last week. It’s about you, Blair. It’s the reason why I couldn’t say “I love you.” It’s not a game. It’s because I knew I couldn’t trust you.
Blair: I did this because I love you.
Chuck: Be that as it may, I have a club to open. And you’re no longer invited.
Blair: Fine. S, c’mon. We’re leaving.
Serena: Blair, I’m sorry. I’m gonna stay with Chuck.
Blair: I’m giving you a chance to leave that Lizzie Grubman wannabe before you get run over.
Serena: Hey Blair.
Blair: Hey! Do you see that gorgeous blonde in Proenza Schouler talking to those high profile politicians? That’s my best friend Brandeis. She knows most of the personally.
Serena: Aw. That’s great. I mean political connections aren’t the first thing most people look for in friends.
Blair: They must really love her because when she introduced us they seemed thrilled to meet me. They even asked if we were sisters.
Serena: Well I can’t wait for you to meet Patrick. He’s over at the bar getting me a drink right now. I feel so lucky. He’s so attentive.
Blair: It doesn’t take much, does it? What? No one’s ever accused you of saying no.
Blair: You’re drifting away from Dan and your family and you’ve lost Nate. One of your oldest friends. This night is finally over. And as far as I’m concerned, so are we.
Blair: This is not like your wedding day. Cotillion only happens once.
Blair: Oh look. A Lost Boy from Lost Weekend.
Blair: I’m trapped in the elevator with someone who sucks all the air out of the room. Send help or I’ll be dead within the hour.
Chuck: Not until you two work things out.
Blair: Bass? This is a punishable offense! And not the kind of punishment you like.
Chuck: I’m only doing what you refuse to do yourself.
Blair: Ugh. I don’t converse with liars or Lewinskis.
Blair: I have a question: how do I win over shallow and superficial actors?
Olivia: Calling them shallow and superficial didn’t work?
Blair: Don’t get too cocky, Humphrey. We still have your sub-par acting to deal with.
Blair: Dan. When girls live together sometimes their cycles sync up. No hormones—not your’s or their’s—will get in the way of my cabaret.
Well. Now that I’ve added a disco electric pop beat to Snow White’s love ballad and put your voices to autotune, it’s time to take over the land.
Chuck: Fifteen hours. It’s a record. You haven’t mentioned Serena once.
Blair: Well for much of that time I was asleep. But since you’re asking, I’ve decided I’m putting her out of my mind. Besides, I have a far more cunning and deceptive adversary to deal with.
Chuck: And when does your mother land again?
Blair: Twenty minutes. Flying from Paris to escort me back. How dumb does she think I am? She has some bomb she wants to drop on me in a controlled environment surrounded by Air Marshals and French people.
Chuck: Amazing. The holiday paranoia truly knows no bounds.
Blair: I didn’t know the Empire had hourly rates.
Serena: Where’s Nate? He’s not answering his cell.
Blair: One van der Bilt isn’t enough?
Serena: I’m not having an affair with Trip. And since you’re going to find out anyway he’s leaving his wife. And it’s not for me.
Blair: Then what are you exactly? An eighteen-year-old blonde coincidence?
Blair: Doing the right thing takes courage and strength. At least that’s what I’ve heard.