Malcolm “Mal” Reynolds


Nathan Fillion

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Serenity (Part 1 & 2)

Captain Malcolm Reynolds (Nathan Fillion): The Alliance said they were gonna waltz through Serenity Valley, and we choked ’em with those words. We’ve done the impossible, and that makes us mighty.

Bendis: We’re gonna die.
Mal: We’re not going to die. We can’t die, Bendis. And you know why? Because we are so very pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die. Huh? Look at that chiseled jaw! Huh? C’mon. {airplanes approach overhead.} If you won’t listen to me, listen to that. Those are our angels. Gonna blow the alliance to the hot place. Zoe! Tell the 82nd to—
Zoe: They’re not coming. Command says it’s too hot. They’re pulling out. We’re to lay down arms.

Six years later…

Zoe: Close one.
Mal: Yeah.
Jayne: Any one you walk away from, right? Long as we got the goods, I call this a win.
Mal: Right. We win.

Jayne: Captain, can you stop her from being cheerful please?
Mal: I don’t believe there’s a power in the ‘Verse can stop Kaylee from being cheerful. Sometimes you just want to duct tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month.
Kaylee: I love my captain.

Badger (Mark Sheppard): You’re late.
Mal: You’re lying.
Badger: What did you just say to me?
Mal: You’re well aware we landed two hours ‘fore we planned to, with all the goods you sent us after intact, ready to roll. So your decision to get tetchy, say we’re late, means you’re looking to put us on the defensive right up front. Which means something’s gone wrong. And it didn’t go wrong on our end so why don’t we start again with you telling us what’s up.
Badger: You’re later than I’d like.
Mal: Well I’m sorry to hear that.

Mal: Wheel never stops turning, Badger.
Badger: That only matters to the people on the rim.

Zoe: Sir, we don’t want to deal with Patience again.
Mal: Why not?
Zoe: She shot you.
Mal: Well yeah, she did a bit. Still.

Zoe: Now we have a boatload of citizens right on top of our stolen cargo. That’s a fun mix.
Mal: Ain’t no way in the ‘Verse they could find that compartment. Even if they were lookin’ for it.
Zoe: Why not?
Mal: ‘Cause?
Zoe: Oh yeah, this is gonna go great.
Mal: If anyone gets nosy, you know, just… shoot ’em.
Zoe: Shoot ’em?
Mal: Politely.

Mal: You send word to Patience?
Wash: Ain’t heard back yet. Didn’t she shoot you one time?
Mal: Everybody’s making a fuss.

Inara: Ambassador is Mal’s way of—
Mal: She’s a whore, Shep.
Kaylee: The term is companion.
Mal: I always get those mixed up. How’s business?
Inara: None of yours.

Book: Captain, do you mind if I say grace?
Mal: Only if you say it out loud.

Simon about Jayne: What do you pay him for?
Mal: What?
Simon: I was just wondering what his job is. On the ship.
Mal: Public relations.

Mal: I got exactly no time for games. What do they know?
Simon: You’re a lunatic.
Mal: And you’re a gorram fed.
Book: Hate to say it, Captain. But you’ve got the wrong man. {he indicates Dobson.}
Mal: Son of a bitch.
Lawrence Dobson (Carlos Jacott): Drop that firearm, Captain Reynolds.
Mal raising his hands: This is not my best day ever.
Dobson: Simon Tam. You are bound by law to stand down. Simon raises his hands.
Mal: What? The doctor? Oh. lowering his hands. Hey. Is there, is there a reward?

Mal: Not to worry. Put Lord Fauntleroy here in one of the passenger cells, he won’t make a peep.
Dobson: Get the hell away from that weapon! Do you think I’m a complete back-birth? You’re carrying a fugitive across interplanetary borders. And you think I actually believe you’re bringing medical supplies to Whitefall? As far as I care, everyone on this ship is culpable.
Mal: Well now. That has an effect on the landscape.
Book: Please. We’re very close to true stupidity here.
Dobson: I have a cruiser en route for intercept, so talk all you want. You got about 20 minutes.
Mal: Might have less than that.
Dobson: Yeah. Threaten me.

Simon: Change course. Run.
Mal: Hell with you. You brought this down on us, I’m dumping you with the law.
Inara: Mal, I—
Simon: She’s dying.
Mal: You’re not gonna let her.
Simon: Yes. I am.
Mal: You can’t.
Zoe: No way the feds will let us walk.
Mal: Then we dump him in a shuttle. And leave him for them.

Mal: You rich kids. You think your lives are the only thing that matters. What’d you do? Kill your folks for the family fortune?
Simon: I don’t kill people!
Mal: Then do your job!
Simon: Turn this ship around!
Inara: Enough! Mal, do it.
Mal: Don’t you ever tell me what to do on my— {Kaylee cries out in pain.} Zoe, change course.

Mal: When this is over you and me are gonna have a personal chat.
Simon: Won’t that be fun. Dope her.

Mal: Well. Let’s see what a man like you would kill for. {he kicks off the top.}
Simon: No, don’t!
Mal: Huh.

Simon: I need to check her vitals.
Mal: Oh, is that what they call it?
Simon: She’s not supposed to wake up for another week. The shock—
Mal: The shock of what? Waking up, finding out she’d been sold to some border world Baron? Or… I’m sorry, was this one for you? Is it true love? Because you do seem a little—
River popping up: Augh!

Simon: I don’t know if she’ll be all right. I don’t know what they did to her. Or why. I just had to keep her safe.
Book: That’s… quite a story, son.
Mal: Yeah. It’s a tale of woe. Very stirring.

Simon: What about us?
Mal: Kaylee comes through, you and your sister get off at Whitefall.
Simon: If she doesn’t come through?
Mal: Then you’re getting off a mite sooner.

Inara: Mal, you know those two won’t survive a day in Whitefall. You throw them out I’m leaving too.
Mal: Might be best you do. You ain’t a part of this business.

Simon: What business is that exactly? I’m a dead man, I can’t know? Is it gold? Drugs? Pirate treasure? What is it that makes you so afraid of the Alliance?
Mal: You don’t want to go down this road with me, boy.
Simon: Oh, you’re not afraid of them? Well I already know you’d sell me out to them for a pat on the head. Hell, you should probably be working for them. You certainly fit the profile— {Mal clocks him.}
Jayne: Saw that coming.

Mal: I’m in a tricky position. I guess you know. Got me a boatload of terribly strange folk making my life a little more interesting then I generally like. Chief among them, an Alliance mole, likes to shoot at girls when he’s nervous. Now I gotta know how close the Alliance is—exactly how much you told them—before Wash scrambled your call. So. I’ve given Jayne here the job of finding out.
Jayne: He was non-specific as to how.

Mal: This is the captain. We’re passing another ship. Looks to be Reavers. From the size probably a raiding party. Could be they’re headed somewhere particular, could be they already hit someone and they’re full up. So everyone stay calm. If we try to run they’re like to chase us. That’s their way. We’re holding course. Should be passing them in a minute, so we’ll see what they do.

Mal: Getting awful crowded in my sky.

Inara: You’re lost in the woods. We all are. Even the captain. The only difference is, he likes it that way.
Mal: The only difference is, the woods are the only place I can see a clear path.

Mal to Simon: What’s your business here?
Inara: It’s my business. The usual. Gave the boy a free thrust since he’s not long for this world. What are you doing in my shuttle?
Mal: It’s my shuttle. You rent it.
Inara: Then when I’m behind on the rent you can enter unasked.

Mal: Comes time, someone’s gonna have to deal with him. And that should be you. But I don’t think you got the guts. And I know you don’t have the time.
Simon: What do you mean?
Mal: Kaylee’s dead.

Wash: You are psychotic!
Mal: No, you should have seen his face. Oh… I’m a bad man.
Zoe: And Kaylee’s really okay?
Mal: Yeah. Tell the truth, I didn’t expect her to heal this quick. Doctor knows his trade, I’ll give him that.

Patience: I have to say, I didn’t look to be hearing from you anytime soon.
Mal: Well we may not have parted on the best of terms. I realize certain words were exchanged. Also certain… bullets.

Mal: I believe that woman’s planning to shoot me again.

Jayne: Testing. Testing. Captain, can you hear me?
Mal: I’m standing right here.
Jayne: You’re coming through good and loud.
Mal: ‘Cause I’m standing right here.

Zoe: Don’t think it’s a good spot, sir. She still has the advantage over us.
Mal: Everyone always does. That’s what makes us special.

Mal: It’s pure, Patience. Genuine grade A foodstuffs. Protein. Vitamins. Immunization supplements. One of those will feed a family for a month. Longer, if they don’t like their kids too well.

Mal: Now I did a job. Got nothing but trouble since I did it. Not to mention more than a few unkind words as regard to my character. So let me make this abundantly clear: I do the job. And then I get paid. Go run your little world.

Mal: How come you didn’t turn on me, Jayne?
Jayne: Money wasn’t good enough.
Mal: What happens when it is?
Jayne: Well… that’ll be an interesting day.
Mal: I imagine it will.

Simon: I’m trying to put this as delicately as I can. How do I know you won’t kill me in my sleep?
Mal: You don’t know me, son, so let me explain this to you once. If I ever kill you, you’ll be awake. You’ll be facing me. And you’ll be armed.
Simon: Are you always this sentimental?
Mal: Had a good day.
Simon: You had the Alliance on you. Criminals and savages. Half the people on the ship have been wounded or shot at—including yourself—and you’re harboring known fugitives.
Mal: Still flying.
Simon: That’s not much.
Mal: It’s enough.

The Train Job

Zoe: That’s a bold move.
Mal: I live on the edge. {Zoe makes an equally bold move}
Jayne: Nice work, dumbass.
Mal: I’ve given some thought to moving off the edge. Not an ideal location. Could get a place in the middle.

Lund: Hey! You gonna drink to the Alliance with me? Six years ago today, the Alliance sent the Browncoats runnin’, pissing their pants. You know, your coat is kind of a brownish color.
Mal: It was on sale.
Lund: You didn’t toast. You know, I’m thinking you one of them Independents.
Mal: And I’m thinking you weren’t burdened with an overabundance of schooling. So why don’t we just ignore each other ’til we go away.

Lund: The Independence were a bunch of cowardly, inbred piss-pots. Should have been killed off of every world that’s spinnin’.
Mal: Say that to my face.
Lund: I said, you’re a coward and a piss-pot. Now what are ya gonna do about it?
Mal: Nothing. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind you. Zoe hits him from behind

Mal: Wash. We’ve got some local color happening. A grand entrance would not go amiss.

Mal: This is why we lost, you know. Superior numbers.
Zoe: Thanks for the reenactment, sir.

Wash: Are you getting my wife into trouble?
Mal: Wha- ? I didn’t start it! Just wanted a quiet drink.
Zoe: Funny, sir, how you always seem to find yourself in an Alliance-friendly bar, come U-Day, lookin’ for a quiet drink.
Mal: See, this another tragic sign of your space dementia, all paranoid and crotchety. Breaks the heart.

Mal: Take us out of the world, Wash. We got us some crime to be done.

Simon: Need a weave on that?
Mal: It’s nothing.
Simon: I expect there’s someone’s face feels differently.
Mal: You know they tell ya, never hit a man with a closed fist. But it is on occasion hilarious.

Book: Captain. How’s the girl?
Mal: Still a little whimsical in the brain pan. Seems calm enough though.

Mal: If I’m your mission, Shepherd, best give it up. You’re welcome on my boat. God ain’t.

Inara: What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?
Mal: That it was manly and impulsive?
Inara: Yes. Precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was, “Don’t.”
Mal: Well you’re holding my mechanic enthralled, and Kaylee, what the hell is going on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?

Niska: You do the train job for me. Then you are solid. No more gossip.
Mal: Right.
Niska: You do not like I kill this man?
Mal: Oh, no. I’m sure he was a very bad person.
Niska: My wife’s nephew. At dinner I am getting earful. There is no way out of that.

Zoe: He’s a psycho, you know. Niska.
Mal: He’s not the first psycho to hire us. Nor the last. You think that’s a commentary on us?
Zoe: I just have an image in my head of a guy hanging from the ceiling.
Mal: I have an image of it not being me.

Mal: I mean they’re not protecting the goods. If they were, they wouldn’t be letting people past them.
Zoe: You don’t think that changes the situation a bit?
Mal: I surely do. It makes it more fun.
Zoe: Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.

Mal: …Only now we do it under the noses of twenty trained Alliance Feds. And that makes them look all manner of stupid. Hell, this job I would pull for free.
Zoe: Then can I have your share?
Mal: No.
Zoe: If you die can I have your share?
Mal: Yes.

Sheriff Bourne: You were truthful back in town. A man can get a job, he might not look too close at what that job is. But a man learns all the details of a situation like ours, well, then he has a choice.
Mal: I don’t believe he does.

Mal: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance. You bring it back to him, tell him the job didn’t work out. We’re not thieves. Well we are thieves. Point is, we’re not taking what’s his.

Crow: Keep the money. Use it to by a funeral. It doesn’t matter where you go or how far you fly. I will hunt you down and the last thing you see will be my blade.
Mal: Darn. {he kicks him into the intake engine}


Simon: Where are all the people?
Mal: Ship says lifeboat launched more than a week ago. We’re gonna assume everyone got off okay. Anyway, we’re just here to pick the bones.

Zoe: Sir, I count six families signed on. Lifeboat wouldn’t hold a third of that.
Mal: I know.

Zoe about the goods: Sir, even on a lifeboat, you’d think those who escaped would find room for some of this.
Mal: Nobody escaped.
Zoe: Sir?
Mal: Nobody.

Mal: Easy now. No one’s going to hurt you.
Survivor: No. No mercy. No.
Mal: Any more than we already did.
Survivor: No mercy.
Mal: We got a lots of mercy. We got lots and lots of—

Kaylee: So? How’s our patient?
Simon: Aside from borderline malnutrition he’s in remarkably good health.
Book: So he’ll live then?
Mal: Which to my mind is unfortunate.
Book: Not a very charitable attitude, Captain.
Mal: Charity’d be putting a bullet in his brain pan.

Mal: There’s no more we can do for him now. Not after what he’s seen.
Simon: What do you mean?
Mal: That ship was hit by Reavers.

Jayne: Wasn’t Reavers. Reavers don’t leave no survivors.
Mal: Strictly speaking, I wouldn’t say they did.
Book: What are you suggesting?
Mal: Doesn’t matter if we took him off that boat, Shepherd. It’s the place he’s gonna live from now on.
Book: I don’t accept that. Whatever horror he witnessed, whatever acts of barbarism, it was done by men. Nothing more.
Jayne: Reavers ain’t men.
Book: Of course they are. Too long removed from civilization perhaps. But men. And I believe there’s a power greater than men, a power that heals.
Mal: Reavers might take issue with that philosophy. If they had a philosophy. If they weren’t too busy gnawing on your insides. Jayne’s right. Reavers ain’t men. They forgot how to be. They got out to the edge of the galaxy, to that place of nothing, and that’s what they became.

Mal: I ain’t sayin’ there’s any peace to be had, but on the off-chance there is, those folks deserve a little of it.
Inara: Just when I think I’ve got you figured out {she walks off}.
Kaylee: That was real pretty, Captain. What you just said.
Wash: Didn’t think you were one for rituals and such.
Mal: I’m not. But it’ll keep the other busy for awhile. Don’t always need to concern them with what’s to be done.

Mal: It’s a real burden being right so often.
Wash: What is that?
Mal: Booby trap. Reavers sometimes leave them for the rescue ship. Triggered it when we latched on.
Wash: And when we detach?
Mal: It blows.

Alliance: Firefly-class transport, you are ordered to release control of your helm. Prepare to dock and be boarded.
Mal: Looks like civilization finally caught up with us.

Mal: Stack everything right here, in plain sight. wouldn’t want to seem like we got anything to hide. Might give them Alliance boys the wrong impression.
Wash: Or the right one.
Mal: That too.

Alliance Commander: Looks to me like an illegal salvage operation.
Mal: It does? That’s discouraging.

Alliance Commander: That’s a very loyal crew you have there. But then I can tell by your record you have a tendency to inspire that quality in people. Sergeant.
Mal: It’s not Sergeant. Not no more. The war’s over.
Alliance Commander: For some the war will never be over.

Alliance Commander: Seems odd you’d name your ship after a battle you were on the wrong side of.
Mal: May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.


Mal: There’s a chance you might wanna head back to the ship.
Inara: I’m alright. This is entertaining, actually.
Mal: Yeah? What’s entertaining?
Inara: I like watching the game. There’s a lot of situations. The key seems to be giving Jayne a heavy stick and standing back.
Mal: Still, you might oughta clear out before too much longer. Seems there’s a thief about.
Inara: A thief?
Mal pulls out a wallet: Took this right off him. And he earned that with the sweat of his slave-trading brow.
Inara: Mal!
Mal: Oh, terrible shame. Of course they won’t discover it ’til they go to order their next round of drinks. he gets grabbed from behind. Good drinker, that one.

Mal: We sniff the air, we don’t kiss the dirt.
Zoe: I wasn’t planning on the dirt kissin’, sir.
Wash: I wouldn’t stand for it anyway, Captain. Jealous man like me.

Badger: Captain Reynolds. I heard you was in town. I thought we might have a bit of a sit down.
Mal: I’d prefer a bit of a piss off.
Badger: I’m very sorry. Did I give you the impression I was asking?

I accept!
Mal: That’s great. What?
There has been a challenge.
I hope you’re prepared, Captain.
Mal: Are you all talking about a fight? That’s fine. Let’s get out of here.
Inara: It’s not a fist fight, Mal.
The duel will be lead tomorrow at [].
What’s going on?
Mal: Not really sure. What’s going on?
Well first off, you’ll be put up in lodgings for the night so you don’t disappear. I wouldn’t blame you, incidentally. Will might be a spoiled dandy, but he’s an expert swordsman. You’re the first one, gave him a reason.
Mal: This is a joke.
Inara: You’ll need a second.
Mal: What’s that?
I’ll take on the job.
Inara: He fights if you refuse.
Inara, come with me please.
Mal: Now, you taking on this job, you being my second, does this mean we’re in business?
It means you’re in mortal danger. But you mussed up Atherton’s face. And that has endeared you to me somewhat. You might even give him a fight. Before he guts you.

Mal: Mercy is the mark of a great man. stabs him a little. I guess I’m just a good one. stabs him a little more. Well I’m alright.

You didn’t have to wound that man.
Mal: Yeah, I know. It was just funny.

Inara: Are you in pain?
Mal: Absolutely.


Mal: Morbid and creepifying I got no problem with. As long as she does it quiet like.

Simon: What’s going on? What are you doing?
Mal: I’m fixing to do some business. I can’t be herding these steers and your sister too.
Simon: She didn’t mean any harm.
Mal: Well I never figured she did. But when a man engages in clandestine dealings, he has his preference for things going smooth. She makes things not be smooth.
Simon: Right. I’m very sorry if she tipped off anyone about your carefully concealed cows.

Mal: Well look at this. Seems we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoe: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain’t we just. Sorry to interrupt, folks. Y’all got something that belongs to us and we’d like it back.
Patron: This is a holy cleansing. You cannot think to thwart God’s will.
Mal: Y’all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun? Now I’m not saying you weren’t easy to find. It was kind of out of our way and he didn’t want to come in the first place. Man’s lookin’ to kill some folk. So really it’s his will y’all should worry about thwarting.

Simon: Captain, why did you come back for us?
Mal: You’re on my crew.
Simon: Yeah, but you don’t even like me. Why’d you come back?
Mal: You’re on my crew. Why are we still talking about this?

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Rustler: I think maybe you’ gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the missus.
Jayne: Well I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature.
Mal popping up from under the bonnet: How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?
Jayne: If I could make you prettier I would.
Mal: You are not the man I met a year ago!

Inara: So explain to me again why Zoe wasn’t in the dress.
Mal: Tactics, woman. We needed her in the back. ‘Sides, them soft cotton dresses feel kinda nice. Just the whole air flow.
Inara: And you would know that because?
Mal: You can’t open up the book of my life and jump in the middle. Because woman, I am a mystery.
Inara: Let’s keep it that way. I withdraw the question.

Mal: Who the hell are you?
Saffron: What do you mean?
Mal: Well I think I was pretty clear. What are you doing on my boat?
Saffron: You know I am bequeathed to you.
Mal: To what by who?
Saffron: Did Elder Gommen not tell you?
Mal: Tell me what? Who are you?
Saffron: Mr. Reynolds, sir. I’m your wife.

Zoe: Really think you’re the one to talk to her, sir.
Mal: The way I see it me and her got one thing in common. We’re the only one’s that don’t think this is funny.

Mal: You alright?
Saffron: I thought last night during the ceremony that you looked pleased.
Mal: Well, yeah. Last night I was. Some mulled wine. Pretty girl gave me a hat made out of a tree. Nobody said I was signing up to have and hold.
Saffron: Are you gonna kill me?
Mal: What? What kind of crappy planet is that? Kill you.
Saffron: In the maidens’ home I heard talk of men who weren’t pleased with their brides—
Mal: Well I ain’t them. And don’t you stand for that sort of thing. If someone ever tries to kill you try to kill them right back.

Mal: Can I come in?
Inara: No.
Mal coming in: See, that’s usually why I don’t ask.

Wash: Captain, don’t you know kissin’ girls makes you sleepy?
Mal: Sometimes I just can’t help myself.

Saffron: Are you gonna kill me?
Mal: Can you conjure up a terribly compelling reason not to?


Mal: Jayne?
Jayne: Yeah?
Mal: You wanna tell me why there’s a statue of you here lookin’ like I owe him something?
Jayne: Wishin’ I could, Captain.

Out of Gas

Mal: Ship like this will be with you ’til the day you die.
Zoe: That’s ’cause it’s a death trap.

Mal: I need that in Captain Dummy talk, Kaylee.

Inara: Just so we’re clear, under no circumstances am I to be servicing you or your crew.
Mal: I’ll post a sign.

Inara: Mal, you don’t have to die alone.
Mal: Everybody dies alone.

Captain: Catalyzer is a nothing part, Captain.
Mal: It’s nothing ’til you don’t got one. Then it appears to be everything.

Mal: Which one do you figure tracked us.
Zoe: The ugly one, sir.
Mal: nodding …Could you be more specific?

Zoe: Welcome back, sir.
Mal: Did I go someplace?
Book: Very nearly.


Mal: …Could have been meditating on the wonders of your rock garden right now.
Jayne: Beats just sitting.
Wash: It is just sitting.

Mal: When I took you and you sister in, the deal was you keep her in check. You can’t hold up your end, we’re gonna have to revisit the deal…. She’s getting worse, isn’t she?
Simon: Yes.

Simon: If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were ready to save some lives.
Mal: Now all we need are a couple of patients.
Simon: Corpses actually. For this to work River and I will have to be dead.
Jayne: I’m starting to like this plan.

Mal: You called the Feds.
Jayne: I got pinched!
Mal: Which is what happens when you call the Feds.

Mal: You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me.

Jayne: What are you going to tell the others?
Mal: About what?
Jayne: About why I’m dead.
Mal: Hadn’t thought about it.
Jayne: Make something up. Don’t tell ’em what I did.

War Stories

Mal: Ah, the pitter patter of tiny feet and combat boots. SHUT UP!

Mal: Okay, I’m lost. I’m angry. And I’m armed.

Wash: I’m the one she swore to love, honor, and obey.
Mal: Listen— She swore to obey?
Wash: Well no.

Zoe: Jayne, this is something the captain has to do for himself.
Mal: No! No it’s not!
Zoe: Oh!

Mal: I know you all took up arms in that piece of action back there. How you faring with that, Doctor?
Simon: I don’t know. I never shot anyone before.
Book: I was there, son. I’m fair sure you haven’t shot anyone yet.


Mal, why you got a piece trained on my wife?
Mal: She ain’t your wife.
Huh. I married her, didn’t I?
Mal: You ain’t the only one.

Mal: She ain’t your wife, ’cause she’s married to me.

Mal: You and lipstick are a dangerous combination if I recall.

Saffron: Oh yeah. just like old times.
Mal: We don’t have any old times. I just don’t want you pullin’ a pistol out of… anywhere.
Saffron: You missed a spot.
Mal: Can’t miss a place you never been.

Mal: Oh you are a tweaked one, you are.
Saffron: But face it, hubby. I’m really hot.

Mal: This is my scrap of nowhere. You go on and find your own.

Saffron: This was all your fault, you know. I had the perfect crime lined up.
Mal: Sure. You were gonna steal a man’s beard.

Inara: Would you like some tea?
Mal: Okay.
Inara: I offered you tea.
Mal: Mm hm. After inviting me into your shuttle of your own free will. Which makes two events without precedent. Which makes me more than a little sketched.

Mal: This is one of the crazier things I’ve heard today. And when I tell you about the rest of my day you’ll appreciate—
Inara: I’m not accusing you of anything, Mal.
Mal: Hey! No! Let’s set a course for the lonely rich and appropriately hygienic men. I’ll tell Wash. We can park there for a month.

Mal: How about I stay out of your whoring—
Inara: Well that didn’t take long.
Mal: —you stay out of my thieving. I know my job very well, thank you very much.
Inara: Right. You’re a criminal mastermind. What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport?
Mal: That’s not—
Inara: What was the cargo?
Mal: They were dolls.
Inara: They were little Geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled.
Mal: Hey, people love those!
Inara: And what exactly was our net profit on the famous wobbly-headed doll caper?
Mal: Our cut? So you’re in the game now.

Durran: You’ve returned to me the only thing I truly treasure.
Mal: Well. Then this is a day I’ll feel good to be me.

Durran: You won’t disappear again?
Saffron: Never. he leaves We’ve gotta move fast.
Mal: Yeah, he might come back and hug us in the act.

Saffron: Durran, this isn’t what it looks like.
Mal: Unless it looks like we’re stealing your priceless Lassiter, ’cause that’s what we’re doing. Don’t ask me about the gun though, ’cause that’s new.
Durran: Well I appreciate your honesty. Not, you know, a lot.

Durran: How long have you been together?
Mal: We are not together!
Saffron: He’s my husband.
Mal: Well who in the damn galaxy ain’t?!

Mal: I hate to bring up our imminent arrest during your crazy time, but we gotta go.

Saffron: My name’s not Yolanda.
Mal: Never entered my mind it was.

Saffron: I tried. I actually tried. I thought, This is a decent man. The genuine article.
Mal: A workin’ man. Strugglin’ to get by with the barest necessities on his private floatin’ island.
Saffron: Yeah, he had money. I thought it would help. I thought if I had everything then I wouldn’t want—
Mal: Heinrich the security programmer.
Saffron: You know I’d forgotten his name.
Mal: Addressin’ the itch of curiousness, did you marry him too?
Saffron: No. I didn’t kill him either.
Mal: No, don’t reckon there’s many you killed. Just put him in a position to die easy.

Mal: Yeah, you better run!

The Message

Zoe: First rule of battle, little one: Don’t ever let them know where you are.
Mal with guns blazing: I’m right here! I’m right here! You wanna come in? Yeah you do! C’mon! C’mon!
Zoe: Course there’s other schools of thought.
Mal: That was bracing! They don’t like it when you shoot at ’em. I worked that out myself.

Mal: Tracey, ain’t you dead yet?
Tracey: Through no fault of my own.
Mal: I really wanted your beans.

Jayne: You really think there’s something in there?
Mal: Using corpses for smuggling is a time-honored repulsive custom.

Mal: You wanna explain to me why you got yourself all corpsified and mailed to me?

Heart of Gold

Objects in Space

Mal: Fully-loaded, safety off. This here is a recipe for unpleasantness.

Mal: We’re deep in space. Corner of no and where. You take extra care. ‘Cause we’re very much alone out here.

Mal: I find River pleasant enough myself. But she does have an oddness to her. And I ain’t just talkin’ about her proficiency with firearms. Girl knows things. Things she shouldn’t. Things she couldn’t.

Simon: She’s deeply intuitive. It’s true, it’s—
Mal: I don’t think she’s intuitive, Doctor. I think she’s a Reader.
Zoe: Psychic?
Wash: Is that even remotely possible?
Mal: You tell me. You’ve been studying what they’ve done to her.
Simon: They’ve, uh, they’ve definitely altered the way she reacts to things. Even the way she perceives. But I’m not—
Wash: Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction.
Zoe: You live on a space ship, dear.

Mal: What the hell’s going on here?
River: I need you to do me a favor, Captain.
Mal: There’s a guy. He’s very blurry. You better be careful. How come there’s a guy on board and how come you’re all a sudden the ship?
River: I know you have questions.
Mal: That would be why I just asked them.
River: But there isn’t a lot of time, Captain. I need you to trust me.
Mal: Am I dreamin’?
River: We all are. {Mal rolls his eyes.} Don’t make faces.

Jubal Early: You made the right move darlin’. Best for you to go on with ol’ Early.
Mal popping up: You think so? Some of us feel differently.

River: Permission to come aboard?
Mal: You know, you ain’t quite right.
River: That’s the popular theory.
Mal: Go on, get in there. Give your brother a thrashing for messing up your plan.
River: He takes so much looking after.